Lord of the Universe
by Slurpee Monster
Summary: The Tallests have unknowingly triggered a game show. The winner gets to become the leader of everyone in the known Universe while the losers leave with nothing.. or worse.
1. Introduction

**Author's Notes/Warning/Disclaimer: **I needed a break from editing/writing my angst IZ stories, so I decided to write this. I swear I wasn't on drugs when I wrote this. There is one main OC, plot holes, character death, and humour that might frighten or be found offensive to some people. I don't own Invader Zim or any of its characters, objects, insanity, ect.

Rated T for gore.

* * *

**Introduction**

When someone in the universe rises to power, all the energies of planets, super novas, and other such non-living things start to gather in what some might say is the center of the universe. It's impossible to say if it truly is the center of everything in existence or not since the dark void of space goes on forever, but the Tallest had taken over most of the known universe, so these galactic energies met to decide what they should do about it.

"No one has ever come close to ruling the universe like this before," one of the energies spoke.

"I don't like it," echoed a second.

"Hey, maybe we should hold some kind of contest you know?" a third piped in.

"Yeah, the winner could get like one wish or something," the first suggested.

"One wish? Pft. That's stupid and corny," remarked the third.

"Ok, we could crown the winner the Ruler of the Universe! That would be cool right?"

"You know, for balls of energy drifting in space we're pretty clever," the second said.

"WATCH OUT FOR THAT BLACK HOLE!"

"AAHHHH!!"

The energy that survived the black hole flew off to find the "chosen ones." The Tallest were picked of course, since they already ruled over many planets but finding someone to challenge them was a little trickier. At first the energies thought it would be pretty clever if they chose a representative from each of the planets the Tallest had taken over to challenge them for dominance over the universe, but that would have occupied too much time. The Tallest could die before the energies actually agreed on anyone. There were too many planets under Irken rule.

Instead they decided to select the Tallest's biggest annoyances for the job. Zim and Gir were chosen, as well as two members from the Resisty.

They were candidates everyone could agree on.

"What about this Dib person?" a completely different energy questioned.

"What species is he?" the second one from before asked.

"Human I think."

"What the heck is that?"

"We're energies spawned from locations in the entire universe; I thought you would know what a human is," the third interjected.

"Nope. No Idea," the second admitted.

"Then let's have two of these humans compete," the first energy stated.

"What is a human!?" the second hollered.

"Shut up!" the first snapped

"Ok… I hear Dib's sister is pretty scary," the fourth guy remarked shuttering a little at the thought.

"Yeah, but I don't think we should disturb her," the second said thoughtfully. If he had a chin, he probably would have scratched it for no other purpose other than to show he was thinking.

"Why?" the third asked.

"She's on level 46 of GameSlave 2."

"Ooohhhhh," everyone exclaimed in awe.

"That's a hard level," remarked the second.

"Tell me about it! I still haven't made it passed level 43!" the first exclaimed.

"Ha ha, what a loser!" the fourth laughed.

"Hey! I have more important things to do than play GameSlave all day!"

"You're a ball of energy! What else could you do? Other than drift around aimlessly or get sucked into black holes."

"I'm not telling you."

"What about their father; Professor Membrane?" the second asked, getting back on topic.

"Ok fine! I knit!" the first stated loudly.

"Nobody cares what you do in your spare time moron!" shouted the fourth.

"Yeah, he must be smart if he's a professor. Let's get him to compete too," the third ignored the others, answering the second.

"Alright, so we have Zim, Gir, Dib, Professor Membrane, Lard Nar, Purple, Red, and Shloonktapooxis all competing for the title "Lord of the Universe!" the second announced sounding excited.

"I guess we should get started then," said the first.

"Right. I'll set up the place while the rest of you go fetch our honoured guests."

"We should have an audience!" the fourth exclaimed.

"Oh oh! I'll gather some random aliens for the audience," the third offered.

"We'll need a few Irkens to keep it fair," remarked the fourth.

"Would you hurry up and get going already!? This contest isn't going to run its self!" the first yelled at all of them.

Planet Earth seemed like a nice place, except for the suffocating pollution, loud traffic, annoying birds, clogged drainage pipes, the strange alien life forms yelling and swearing at each other, the garbage truck, ok so maybe the ball of energy was being a little picky about the place. It wasn't all bad. The sea was a nice shade of blue, the sky was clear, and there were a few trees sitting around. Even if the planet was horribly polluted, it was still alive.

Locating the Membrane household took a long time, even though the universal energy got the local energy on the planet to help him. Unfortunately he wasn't any good with direction so he got lost a few times on his way there.

When he did finally arrive, he slipped in through a crack in the window and drifted across the living room. He couldn't help but stop and peer over the young girl's shoulder as she sat playing her GameSlave 2.

"If you want Dib, he's in his room," Gaz grunted as her thumbs rapidly pressed the buttons on her game. She didn't even raise her eyes to look at him.

Without making a sound, the ball of energy floated up the stairs and into a room of stuffed animals. The small furry object's eyes started glowing red, and he zipped out of there and into another room where he found a boy lying on the bed reading a UFO magazine.

"Dib?" the ball of energy questioned him unsurely.

"Huh?"

The boy glanced up from his magazine and nearly fell off his bed when he saw the sphere in his room. He backed away and stared at it a moment longer before relaxing a little bit.

"What are you? A ghost? Did you come to haunt me?" He asked almost excitedly.

Ok… this boy was weird.

"Wait a second," he said jumping off his bed. "I'll go get the camera!"

"I'm not a ghost! I'm energy given off by super novas and other stuff in the universe, and I've come to collect you and your father!"

"Dad? He doesn't believe in stuff like this," Dib replied as he began rummaging through his dresser searching for his camera. "Where do you plan on taking us anyway?"

"It doesn't matter if he believes or not, I still need him to come with me. You'll find out where I'm taking you soon enough."

"I think he's downstairs in his lab right now," Dib said, grinning as he found his camera and lifted it to his eye. Before he could take a shot (not that it would have mattered since he forgot about the lens cap again) the ball of energy created a dimensional tear in the young human's room, and Dib was sucked into it.

The ripped closed, and the sphere shaped energy thing drifted down the stairs and under the door to the lab which was located fairly close to the kitchen. There was a tall human in a white lab coat hunched over a desk with a couple different devices in his hands.

"Now I shall perfect my sweet sugary toast of supreme… toast!" he shouted loudly so that his voice reverberated off the walls.

"Professor Membrane?" the ball of energy ventured.

"Hmmm!?" the professor swung around and was surprised to come face to face with a large amount of circular shaped energy. "My energy generator must be acting up again!" he exclaimed dropping his instruments so he could go check on his generator. A portal opened up in front of him, and he walked into it without a second thought.

The energy's next stop was Zim's base, which was easy enough to find. Irken technology always gave off the weirdest vibe. He drifted passed the lawn gnomes who sat silently with big grins plastered on their faces; this was too creepy…He squished himself underneath the door and was surprised to find another ball of energy floating in the Irken's living room.

"Hey! This is my job," the second energy orb exclaimed growing in size.

"I thought all of the Earth creatures were my responsibility."

"Yeah, "Earth creatures," hello!" the other called moving back and forth as though he were pacing. "Zim and Gir are from Irk genius."

"But they're on Earth aren't they? I thought the definition of Earth creatures were 'creatures on Earth."

"You're wrong! The correct definition is 'creatures who have originated on Earth.' What dictionary did you use?"

"The Oxford one; special special addition."

"Where did you get a human dictionary from!? Augh. Never mind. We'll just have to do this together then."

A horrible screech was heard from the kitchen, and Gir flew out of the garbage can and scrambled into the living room. He was in his dog costume, though this never seemed to affect his grabbing abilities. He snatched up the remote lying on the couch and flicked on the TV before jumping up onto the cushions. The balls of energy stared at the strange creature for a moment. Gir hadn't noticed them. His favourite show was going to be on in five minutes!

"Is that the robot?" one of the energies asked creating a picture of Gir out of nothing and holding it up to his companion. The picture was of the Irken robot out of his disguise, and the other energy looked at it before swiping the useless thing away.

"Of course it is! Who else would be in Zim's base other than Zim and his robot slave?"

"Squeak," Minimoose replied drifting up from the couch after being dislodged from the cushions by Gir.

"Oh my god!" one of the energies screamed flailing his non-existent arms. "There's a rabid purple moose in the living room!"

"Settle down… that's just… uhh… well I guess it is a moose." He sighed remembering the Energy Absorbing Blob Creature prototype had looked like a moose, and his friend had gotten to see it up close and personal.

"Oooo! What's that!?" Gir questioned loudly, pointing up at the shiny spheres floating above him.

"Where's your master robot-dog-thingy?" the ball of energy that wasn't panicking about there being a moose in the room asked.

"He's going to blow himself up!" Gir responded cheerfully, and sure enough, there was a giant explosion that erupted from below the house, and Zim flew out from the toilet. He landed in a smouldering heap on the kitchen floor, groaning as he reached to pry the goggles he was wearing off. He tugged on them, but they wouldn't move. They had seized to his skin. The Irken invader tugged harder and cursed when his pak started making sputtering noises. He then promptly fell unconscious.

"Great, they're both here!" the calm energy stated after peeking into the kitchen. "Activate the dimensional tear!"

"Ahhhhh! The moose is going to eat me! Some one help!" his counterpart yelled buzzing around the room in a panic as Minimoose watched with an annoyed expression on its face.

"Squeak!" it protested.

With a sigh, the now dubbed sane energy ball reached out with a vine of pure energy and grabbed Gir. The tear in the fabric of time and space appeared, and he threw the little robot inside before gathering Zim's motionless form.

"Stop fooling around!" he snapped at his companion.

"But you know how I get around moose-like life forms!"

"Then get your butt in that dimensional tear I made!"

"I don't have a butt!" the panicking energy ball shouted as he dove past the other and disappeared through the portal.

"So!? I don't have a gender!" he retorted. The remaining energy quickly followed after his friend, dragging an unconscious Zim along.

* * *

Meanwhile, in another part of the universe, a different sphere had located the Resisty's ship.

"Alright, this is my chance to show those other energies what I'm made of!" it announced to no one in particular. It dodged a piece of flying debris as it sped after the ship. The Vortian battleship (which had been magically reconstructed) was flying through space at a very fast speed.

The universal energy launched its self at the vessel, only to be sucked into the thrusters. It hurt a lot… The next time he aimed himself a little bit more carefully and struck the windshield. Squished up against this part of the ship, the small ball of power had time to realize that there weren't many cracks to slip through, actually there were none. If there were, the ship would have imploded in on itself, and everyone inside would have died a horrible painful death.

There was only one other option.

A portal appeared in the main room of the Vortian battleship, startling the Resisty who were standing at their posts. They watched wide-eyed as the energy appeared through this tear in the fabric of the universe. It flew across the room and smacked into the opposite wall. This launched the ball of energy forward, and it bounced around the room frightening the Resisty members that fled from their posts screaming in terror.

Who would have thought they would be attacked from INSIDE the ship?

"All of you stop your running around!" Lard Nar shouted from the captain's chair. He ducked as the energy flew past his head. It bounced off another wall and was hurled back across the room.

"Hey boss!" Shloonktapooxis began cheerfully as he entered the room. Obviously he hadn't heard the commotion, because he didn't react when he saw everyone else cowering behind their chairs and control panels. He blinked, and opened his mouth to say something else, but the sphere had struck another object and was hurled towards the cone-shaped alien.

Spleeew! "Ahh!" Gulp.

And just like that, the energy ball disappeared down a startled Shloonktapooxis' throat.

"Woe! What was that I just ate!?" the floating purple cone questioned.

Everyone stared at him from the safety of their hiding places, shocked. Lard Nar was also hiding after almost getting stuck by the energy being. He poked his head out from behind his chair and cleared his throat.

"Yes, uh, well, now that that's over…"

Poof.

Shloonktapooxis suddenly disappeared.

"Oh my gods!" one of the Resisty members cried, pressing the big green button at his controls; it launched him out the airlock. Everyone else screamed and they tripped over each other as they scrambled to leave the room. Only Lard Nar stayed perfectly immobile behind his captain's chair.

"What is going on…?" he murmured to himself just as the energy ball reappeared from the depths of Shloonktapooxis' stomach.

"I lost control of myself for a moment, but I've returned to…" the sphere looked around. "Where'd that cone-guy go?"

Lard Nar pointed accusingly at the strange glowing ball. "He vanished after he swallowed you!"

"Oh… Oops! The portal must have been activated while I was inside him!"

"What the heck does that mean? What are you, and why are you on my ship!?"

The room drifted into an awkward silence. Lard Nar glanced towards the door that everyone had stampeded through a short while ago, and the energy ball hovered wordlessly a few feet off the ground.

"I'm sorry, what?" the sphere asked.

"I said…"

"Wait, I remember! I need you to come with me. All of the other information is classified."

"You can't expect me to agree to this…"

"Nope, that's why I'm kidnapping you."

The energy ball advanced on him, and the leader of the Resisty let out a startled yelp as he backed himself against the wall which had turned into a rip in the universal fabric. Lard Nar fell through, and the sphere cackled evilly.

"Mwah ha… ah well… I'm done."

It drifted through the portal after him whistling a happy tune. A job well done… well the job was done anyway.

* * *

"So is everyone here?" one of the voices asked.

"I thought you said you were going to prepare a place!" exclaimed another.

"Well it's not my fault I'm not creative!"

"You volunteered for this idiot; it is so your fault!"

The place they were in was pure black. There were no doors or windows, and there was no sign of the energies themselves, though their voices could be heard clearly enough.

Standing in the center of this darkness were the selected candidates of 'Lord of the Universe:' Dib, Zim, Lard Nar, Gir, Shloonktapooxiz, and Professor Membrane.

Zim was still smouldering from his recent accident, but he was awake now, sitting next to Gir who was sucking noisily on a straw. In the disguised robot's hands was a jumbo sized slushie.

"Hey! Where did you get that from?" One of the voices questioned Gir.

"I was keeping it in mah head!" the robot replied.

"Great, now I want one…" the voice muttered.

"Be quiet, you're destroying our air of mystic!" a voice that had spoken before shouted.

"Sorry, I slept in, am I late for the meeting?" a different energy asked.

"Aw jeez…"

"What kind of horrible dimension is this!?" Zim shouted leaping to his feet and glaring defiantly into the blackness surrounding him.

"Well it's…"

"What is it!?"

"It's…"

"Whaaat!?"

"WE HAVEN'T FINISHED MAKING IT YET!" An energy being shouted.

"Yeah, it's incomplete," another agreed.

"Hey sweet! Look what I can do!" exclaimed a third.

A spotlight appeared above them, and it reflected down at Zim. The Irken looked up but quickly shut his eyes against the searing pain.

"Aughhh! My eyes!" he shrieked covering his face.

"Yaaaay!" Gir cheered waving the slushie over his head. "You're bliiiind again!"

"Wait… what's going on?" Dib asked folding his arms across his chest as he raised his eyes to the spotlight. It wasn't pointed at him, so there was no horrible pain. "Did Zim get us trapped in another stupid dimension like the moose one?"

"Son, were you in my lab?" Professor Membrane asked raising a brow. Zim was out of his disguise, and Shloonktapooxis and Lard Nar were standing out in the open. The cone looking creature began drifting away slowly. He kept going and going until he appeared on the other side of the strange dimension.

"Hey! This is kind of fun!" he announced floating past the humans, then Zim, Lard Nar, darkness, and repeat.

"I didn't do this," Dib insisted, though his father seemed sceptical.

"Neither did Zim Dib-stink!" Zim announced rubbing one of his sore eyes. He was thankful that he wasn't in his disguise. He'd had contacts fuse to his eyes before. It wasn't fun.

"This is the strangest reaction my energy generator has ever created!" the professor said pulling out a clip board and pen from his lab coat. "Very interesting… of course I could have just as easily been knocked unconscious." He pinched himself. "Ouch. Hm… well I seem capable of feeling pain, so I can't be unconscious unless…"

"You're not dreaming!" a voice exclaimed.

"Yeah, this is reality. The fate of the universe depends on you blah blah, let's start already!" a second one remarked sounding impatient.

"Hey… did anyone remember to grab the Tallest?" a third asked.

No one answered.

"You all forgot!? They're the reason we started this competition, remember now? Someone needs to go get them," the first voice that spoke insisted.

"Zim's leaders are going to be here?" Dib questioned with a scowl.

"The Tallest are coming!?" Zim asked excitedly.

"Of course, they have to be," one of the energies replied.

"Yeah, they've successfully taken over 47 planets!" a second voice informed them.

"Obviously the resistance hasn't been doing its job very well."

Lard Nar clenched his hands into fists. "We'll at least we've been trying to stop them! What have you done recently? You're the energies of the universe aren't you?"

"Uhh… yeah?"

"You could stop the Tallest if you wanted to," he stated.

"We can't directly interfere with things!" said the second voice.

"Yeah, that would be like… unfair or something," agreed the third.

"I gots a rabid squirrel in mah head tooo!" Gir suddenly shrieked attaching himself to Dib's head. He was still in his green dog costume and he was spilling his half eaten slushie everywhere.

"Could you maybe not do that?" Dib asked Gir who grinned and tightened his grip.

"But I liiiike the squishy huuuman!"

"Gir, let go of the Dib-worm!" Zim shouted. "You're going to be covered in his filthy human germs!"

"What are those!?" the robot squealed.

"This is fascinating!" Professor Membrane exclaimed as he looked over the notes he'd been taking. "To think that I'm aware that I am dreaming within the dream its self!"

Shloonktapooxis finally stopped floating across the dimension and moved next to Professor Membrane who was holding a pen to his chin in thought.

"Yeah that is pretty weird!" Shloonktapooxis said glancing sideways at all the nothing surrounding them.

* * *

**More Notes:** there will be a lot of characters from Invader Zim running around, so keeping track of everyone will become difficult. A small warning just in case you are easily lost. Honestly, if a character vanishes for any length of time, it's probably because I forgot about them.

The Energies of the Universe are not Meekrob. The only difference between them really is that the Universal energies have more power and were born from super novas and things like that. The Meekrob were born from their planet and have very limited abilities, such as they cannot construct their own parallel universe. Never gain limitations by being born on only one planet! -waves fist-


	2. The Rules, Judges, and Other Things

**Author's Notes: **I do not own Invader Zim or any of the characters associated with the show or any unaired episodes. The energies of the universe are original, but they don't have names, so they're not that important.

* * *

**The Rules, the Judges, and other Things**

"Now is everyone here?" a voice questioned.

The spotlight had doubled in size and it cast its blinding light over everyone there.

"Hey…" Tallest Purple whined flattening his antennae and shielding his eyes against the glow. "What's going on? This isn't the Massive!"

"What!? Are you calling our dimension small?" a second voice echoed through the darkness.

"He said **the** Massive; it's that ship, you know the one that almost ran you over a few months ago?" the first remarked.

"Oh yeah… hey! You almost ran me over!" The second voice shouted at Tallest Purple. "Your driving sucks."

"I don't fly the Massive, the technicians do," Purple answered irritably. "And I don't care if they almost ran you over."

"My Tallest; it's good to see you again, the mission goes well, ehh… well accept for the whole being trapped in a strange unknown dimension of course," Zim began happily, and Purple stared at him; his expression filled with shock and horror.

"Z-Zim..?" he stammered backing away from the small Irken. "What are you doing here!?"

"Right now, nothing," Zim replied waving his gloved hand in a careless manner. "There is absolutely nothing to do in here!"

"Aw… I can't find a toaster…" Gir pouted. He perked up quickly and shed his dog suit as he ran around in his hyped-up stupor. "It's all dark! Eee! Where'd mah toaster go!?

"Hey, the other Tallest hasn't moved at all," Shloonktapooxis said sticking his tongue out. He was looking at what appeared to be a poorly made Tallest look alike.

"That's not Red, that's a puppet," Purple said gesturing to the painted boxes and wires on the floor. It was almost life-sized, though it looked like it had been hurriedly taped together. "We uhh… got bored one day…"

"Does the puppet have a toaster? I wanna cook some muffins!" Gir exclaimed cheerfully.

"Idiot, you grabbed a puppet instead of the Tallest!" different voice yelled.

"Oops, my bad; I'll fix it," the first said.

A moment of awkward silence followed.

"Well, aren't you going to do something?" asked the third.

"I would, but I can't tell which one is the puppet…"

"What about the one lying in a pile on the floor? Huh? Don't you think that might just be the puppet there?"

"Yeah, I thought that might be it, but I wasn't sure."

"You should wear your glasses to these things."

The puppet vanished into a different portal while another ball of energy was sent to fetch the real Tallest.

"Well, while we're waiting for Red, I guess it's time to select the host!" the second announced giddily.

"Oh oh! I want to be the host!" a fourth voice said.

"No, we need someone intelligent to be the host!"

"Hey!"

"I'll do it," the only female sounding voice offered.

"You!?"

"Yes. Got a problem with that?"

"Well, no…"

"Good."

The darkness swirled around, creating a fine mist which moved together until it took on a shape. Green skin, long lashes, and curly black antennae; the figure who appeared was a female Irken dressed in purple Tallest armour.

Both Purple and Lard Nar stared disbelieving at this new arrival while the others simply glanced towards her indifferently.

"Tallest Miyuki?" The leader of the Resisty questioned in disbelief.

The figure turned to him with a smile. "I thought you might recognize me," she said.

"Who?" Zim questioned.

"Tallest Miyuki," Lard Nar repeated, and the small Irken stared at him.

"Your former Tallest," he tried again, and one of his eyes twitched in annoyance when Zim still looked baffled.

"Never mind!"

"What do you mean former Tallest?" Dib asked raising a brow. "What happened to her?"

"I was eaten by an Energy Absorbing Blob Monster created by Zim back on Vort. Some kind of strange reaction occurred, and now I'm all energy," Miyuki answered brushing back her antennae. "Go figure."

"I'm going to have to start eating more than just breakfast…" Professor Membrane muttered. He was sitting in a corner, mulling over the possibilities of what had caused him to fall unconscious and how he might be able to wake himself up. Right now he was going over the idea that too much toast for breakfast mixed with skipping the less important meals of the day might be the cause of this strange dream he was in.

"Wait… Zim killed you?" Purple asked pointing at the small Irken. Maybe Red was right about putting the little defect on Trial for his life.

"Eeee! We're all doomed!" Gir shouted giddily.

"Does this mean we're dead?" Dib asked before shooting a glare at Zim. "And I can't believe you killed one of your leaders! That's pretty stupid."

"Zim doesn't remember this!" the small Irken stated narrowing his eyes at Miyuki.

"I didn't expect you would, but the past is the past," she replied before switching her attention to the rest of the contestants. A microphone lowered from the ceiling and she grasped it with two long fingers. The light moved so that she stood in the center of it, fully illuminated and more lights appeared from the darkness as a room began to form around them.

She held the microphone up, and she moved it around a bit, causing it to screech noisily.

Lard Nar grimaced, the human's held their ears, and the Irkens clutched their antennae. Gir decided to add to the noise by screeching nearly as loud as the microphone, while Shloonktapooxis grinned seemingly unaware of it all.

It quieted down, and everyone dropped their arms back to their sides.

"Greetings candidates; you have all been chosen to compete for the title of Lord of the Universe," Miyuki said reading off a queue card.

"What!?" Zim asked loudly.

"I can't hear a thing," Dib admitted looking up at his father who had begun to write on his clipboard again.

"He's never going to believe this is real. Not in a million years."

Miyuki sighed and waited for their ears to stop ringing.

"Can you hear me now?" she asked after a few minutes went by.

"Yeah," everyone replied.

"Good. Then I welcome you to this dimension. You've all been chosen to compete for the title of Lord of the Universe," she explained. "You see… the energies of the universe have noticed the Tallests' growing power, and we only thought it was fair that a few aliens would get the chance to stop them. The goal is simple. You must win. The one who wins will get to decide what happens to the universe."

"Wait… so this is going to be bad for us?" Purple questioned.

"Only if you lose," Miyuki answered. "The winner will be recognized by all the universal energies as the true ruler of the universe, so they will crush your enemies and all of that good stuff. If you lose, you risk being crushed yourself. It's fairly simple."

"What if we decide not to play this game?" Professor Membrane asked bringing his finger to his chin thoughtfully. "I mean, I don't really see how this is going to benefit me at all."

"You'll wake up when all of this is over," Miyuki replied. "But you have to compete, or this will never be over. We're pure energy, so we won't be dying anytime soon either."

"Oh. Ok. I guess I don't have a choice then. Hm… A dream with stipulations…"

The professor wandered to the back rubbing his chin in thought; though really since his chin was covered he was rubbing the fabric.

"You're going to let Zim compete in something like this!?" Purple questioned waving a finger at the small Irken who blinked up at him.

"I recognize your concerns, but Zim has proven to be a fairly good competitor. You remember Hobo 13 don't you?"

"Ah yes… Zim is amazing!" Zim remarked placing his hands on his hips and raising his head proudly.

"And Operation Impending Doom one," Miyuki ventured twirling the microphone in her hand. "He did technically do more damage than any other Irken… of course the damage was dealt to Irk, but if you overlook that little detail; it's pretty impressive."

Purple shuttered and let his antennae drop. "It was horrible… the fires…"

"You mean Zim destroyed his own planet!?" Dib questioned smacking his forehead. "That's really really stupid."

"Wow, I have absolutely no idea what they're talking about!" Shloonktapooxis exclaimed turning to Lard Nar. The leader of the Resisty knew a little bit about the situation; when he was still on Vort working as a scientist, he remembered hearing something on the news about a horrible disaster on Irk that killed millions and left the planet in shambles.

"Why are you letting a SIR unit compete?" Lard Nar asked. This idea had been bothering him for a while now. "Won't it just do whatever the Irkens say?"

"I want Tacoooos!" Gir exclaimed waving its arms around.

"Actually, this SIR unit seems to have a will of its own," Miyuki replied with a shrug. "So he's allowed to compete." She waved her hand and the darkness retreated revealing the audience who were all sitting in their seats. Some of them seemed to accept this and had already pulled out some popcorn; a few others were looking around nervously.

"This is the audience. As you can see, there are several different alien life forms here," Miyuki began motioning to the audience. Invader Tenn and Invader Skutch sat in the front row looking a little dazed. Gaz was seated next to them, still playing her GameSlave unaware of anything else. Gretchen, Zita, and the Letter M were seated behind them. There were Plookesians, Meekrob, and those yellow blobs with striped shirts, Screwheads, Irken drones, and Vortian prisoners filling up the rest of the seats.

"They aren't as important as the judges of course."

The darkness near the stage withdrew revealing a long table. Seated at this table was Dwicky from Earth, Prisoner 777 from Vort, and Tak from Irk. Prisoner 777 was playing with a long piece of string and had managed to make a bridge with it; Dwicky was lounging in his chair with a universal newspaper, and Tak was just sitting there with her arms folded glaring menacingly at Zim.

"They won't always be needed, but they're here. There might also be a guest judge from time to time; how guest judges are chosen is a mystery even to me, but I thought I'd warn you about that now."

"Are they gunna be judging us like cheese!?" Gir questioned bouncing up and down.

"Yes they are," Miyuki replied throwing the little SIR unit a burrito which it happily began to eat.

"Why do we need to be warned?" Shloonktapooxis asked curiously.

"They haven't released those details to me, so I couldn't say," she answered. "Also, there will literally be a ball of energy running around by the name of Duxi. He has the ability to change form, and he's been hired to help out around the set, so if you find someone acting a little odd it's probably him. The rest of the energy is being used to create the stage, the lighting, and of course the magnificent walls and ceiling that keep all of you trapped here."

"Wait, aren't you going to have to explain all of this again when Red gets here?" Purple questioned. He really didn't feel like listening to the entire explanation a second time.

"You can fill him in on the important stuff," Miyuki responded. "I think the audience and judges are fairly self-explanatory. The most important thing you guys must remember is: you're playing to win. If you lose, you could very well lose your life, understood?"

"What!?" Professor Membrane shouted not looking all too pleased. "You mean this coma could be potentially fatal?"

"This isn't a coma, but I guess you could say that losing could be fatal. It depends on the will of the winner." She took out a small pamphlet and held it up. It was called 'The Wills of the Contestants.' "According to this, mostly everyone here wants to see someone or another brutally killed, so say Zim won; Dib would be automatically destroyed. If Red or Purple won, Zim would be destroyed. Understand?"

"You're lying! The Tallest would never want to destroy Zim!" the small Irken shouted, and Purple laughed nervously as he backed away from the shouting Irken.

"My burrito is gone…" Gir noted sadly staring at its empty hands.

"Ow ow ow…" a ball of energy said floating in through a portal in the wall. It was flickering in and out of existence as it slowly drifted onto the stage. "Um… Miyuki… Red is giving us more problems than we thought he would…"

"Then send Duxi to deal with it," she responded lowering her antennae in an irritated manner. Unfortunately the energy had a mini explosion before vanishing from existence, so he was unable to comply.

Then a tall green-eyed Irken clad in green armour dropped down from the ceiling and landed on the stage.

"Tallest Spork!?" Purple blurted. The Irken did resemble Spork in every way possible, and he turned his head when he heard the name, grinning cheerfully.

"That's right, you may call me Spork!" he announced, only to be hit in the head by Miyuki's microphone.

"That's not Spork, that's Duxi disguised as Spork."

She grabbed him by the front of his armour and dragged him close, so that he was a mere inch away from her face. "What do you think you're doing!?"

"Well I was told I had to have a body, so I do," he replied casually, and he lifted a slender green finger. "Besides, who better to assist Miyuki than Spork?"

"So… that's not really Spork then?" Purple asked staring at them both.

"Then how do we know Miyuki is real?" Lard Nar questioned and Purple nodded in agreement. Of course, as soon as they realized they were agreeing, they turned their backs to each other and refused to say anything else.

"So… if that guy isn't really Spork… then maybe Miyuki isn't really Miyuki," Shloonktapooxis reasoned. "That's pretty confusing."

"Who is this Spork anyway?" Zim questioned, and Purple let out a frustrated sigh. He couldn't believe he had to stay trapped here with Zim. He didn't mind the humans so much, and Lard Nar was at least bearable, but Zim was the most annoying creature in the universe!

"Well Spork is here," Miyuki stated gesturing to the ground. "He's a part of the floor."

"Hi, I'm Spork," said the floor. "To keep things simple, you can call me the floor."

"Hi floor!" Gir greeted falling face first on to the floor to give it a 'hug.'

Duxi escaped from Miyuki's grasp and leapt into a portal which had opened up in the ceiling. His laughter faded away as the tear in the ceiling closed, leaving the host standing in the center of the stage clearly ticked off.

"Give the kid a break Miyuki," said Spork, or uhh, the floor. "He's only a couple decades old. That's pretty young for a universal energy thing."

"Were any of you around when the universe began?" Dib asked eagerly.

"Dream son, I don't want you speaking with the floor," Professor Membrane said waving a gloved finger at the boy.

"I think so," said the ceiling in response to Dib's question.

"Or any other part of this building," the professor added half-heartedly. His real son was insane; he didn't need his dream son to be insane too.

"Yeah, Dave has been around for a while," replied one of the walls. "He's not here though because he's retired. He can't drift through space like he once could, if you can imagine."

"We should get back to business," Miyuki said interrupting their conversation. The walls, floor, and ceiling immediately went silent as the energies fell into a sleep like state.

"Would any of you like to ask any questions about the contest its self?"

Dib quickly raised his hand.

"Yes Dib?"

"Yeah, um, how exactly were the judges chosen?" he asked flatly as he turned to look at Dwicky who was still lounging in his chair with a newspaper.

"You don't like one of the judges?" Miyuki questioned raising her antennae as she followed Dib's gaze. "I assure you all three of them had to pass a fairly strict questionnaire in the presence of several lie detecting devices that would cause them to explode in a horribly painful manner if they tried to lie."

The questionnaires appeared in her hand and she gave them to Dib who looked them over.

"Wait… why does this one say Prisoner 777? That can't possibly be his real name," Dib stated narrowing his eyes at the page.

"Oh that," the Vortian said lowering his string which was now in the form of cat's cradle. "Well, I tried to write my real name on it, but those lie detector things threatened to blow me up for lying, so I had to change it."

"That's doesn't make any sense."

"Actually, if a race is conquered and renamed, their real name becomes the one they were renamed as," Miyuki explained rubbing her forehead. "I guess numbers are considered a name in this system."

"That's a stupid arrangement," Lard Nar muttered.

"So I'm stuck being called 777?" the Vortian pouted and he raised both his hands only to discover that the string had somehow gotten tangled up and his fingers were tied together.

"Yup."

Dib briefly read over all of them, and from what he saw, Dwicky and the Vortian guy did meet all the requirements. They weren't racist; they knew one or more of the contestants but held no bias and didn't think that it would affect their judgement. If they didn't explode, they must have been telling the truth anyway.

Tak on the other hand had confessed to being racist, she knew one or more of the contestants and admitted to being very biased against Zim, not that Dib was going to complain about her disliking his greatest foe, but he had a feeling that she probably didn't like him very much after he helped Zim destroy her plans for taking over Earth.

"How did Tak pass this!?" he asked loudly.

"I got potatoes! Potatoes!" Gir shrieked. "I'm gunna peel them and turn them into waffles!"

"Oh my gosh!" Shoonktapooxis exclaimed as potatoes started flying out of the strange SIR unit's head. "It really does have potatoes."

"Hm, let Zim see dirt-child!" the small Irken said snatching Tak's questionnaire away from Dib. Zim turned a little pale when he saw his name with little skulls around it. Miyuki took it from him and frowned a little.

"I really have no idea," she admitted.

"Your co-host let me on," Tak replied darkly from her seat. "He said I would be an interesting judge."

"Yaaaaay!" Gir cheered loudly. "I like judges cause they're filled with cheese and gooey things!"

"Duxi!" Miyuki shouted at no one in particular. "When I get my hands on that little runt, he'll know what its like to feel pain! I will destroy him!" she cleared her throat as the questionnaire vanished from her hand. "Very well… the rules say that none of the judges can be thrown out, so she'll have to stay."

Tak grinned evilly. "I'm looking forward to this…"

Both Dib and Zim gulped.

* * *

**More Notes:** The truth is I just didn't want to think of a name for prisoner 777. But shh… don't let the people that don't read the author's notes know that ok?

No energy beings don't have eyes, mouths, arms, legs, bodies or anything remotely similar to those. The only exception is Miyuki and Duxi because Miyuki is a spirit. To me, this means she can appear as who she was before she died, but her body isn't actually there. Duxi is the only energy that took the time to create a physical form, but his body doesn't really exist either.

I wasn't going to post this chapter today, because I'm feeling a little upset over a classmate's death, but then I thought why should I withhold a chapter from you guys? You aren't involved at all. So here it is.


	3. The First Contest

**Author's Notes: **This fic is very fun to write. In fact, I've already wrote it! Ha ha. Yes, I'm just posting the finished product. It's what I do. Unlike my other fics, I have no desire to ruthlessly edit each chapter before I post. Expect grammatical errors and horrible spelling mistakes!

Oh well, at least I should post it more quickly this way eh? (Probably not going to happen) (I sigh)

**The First Contest**

Red wandered onto the stage dragging a half dead Spork-thing behind him. The stupid Irken had managed to get both the Tallest and himself into a portal. Of course Red hadn't been happy about this, so he had beaten the Spork look-alike to within an inch of his life. It was only after he had finished clobbering theguy that he realized that this might have been former Tallest Spork.

Oh well. It's not like he regretted it or anything.

He dropped Duxi in front of Miyuki before taking a good look around. He recognized the leader of the Resisty, and his antennae flattened a little. His antennae flattened even more when he saw Zim. He couldn't care less about the defective SIR unit munching on potatoes on the corner of the stage or the strange purple cone thing that was drifting around the back. The large headed human boy was only slightly more interesting to him than Gir, but the taller human standing next to Purple held his attention for a while. Purple was the same height he was, and the human wearing the white lab coat was at least a foot taller than both of them.

"Let me guess…" Red began turning to Miyuki. "This is some sort of freaky alternate dimension and you have a say in what goes on around here, am I right?"

"I guess you could say that," Miyuki answered. She kicked Duxi who groaned and twitched a little on the floor. "I'm the host. You're one of the competitors. Welcome to your potential doom."

The audience had remained fairly unresponsive until now, but as soon as the Irkens in the audience noticed Red, they began cheering for 'their Tallest.'

Red turned to them and gave them a strange look while the non-Irken members of the audience stared angrily at this new competitor. Really, the Tallest couldn't care less about the other life forms. He couldn't even find himself caring for the Irken audience members who all happened to be much shorter than him.

"Ok…" he said turning away from the audience. His eyes drifted over the judges briefly, and he thought he might recognize the Irken from somewhere, but he couldn't recall ever seeing the other two creatures before. "Well, I'm bored. Where's the exit to this crazy place?"

"Actually Red, I don't think there is one…" Purple replied, and Red came to stand in front of him. Even though Purple would never admit it, he felt kind of embarrassed. Red had just killed several energy things to keep himself from being kidnapped. He had failed in the end, but at least Red had put up a fight. Purple couldn't say the same thing about himself; he had been captured fairly easily, as easily as a stationary object actually.

"Aw Pur, don't look so upset," Red said wrapping one of his arms over Purple's shoulders. "It's not like we're dead or anything. We'll find a way out of this."

"Taco heaaad!" Gir cried in glee.

The Tallest togetherness moment was interrupted by Gir who decided that it was going to jump on Red's head. Unfortunately for the crazy robot, Red just so happened to be concealing a blaster which he promptly took out and used it to shoot Gir.

"Oh… uhh…" Tallest Red looked down at the smouldering robot that squealed happily and kicked its little legs in the air. "That was a reflex action." He turned to Zim who he had noticed earlier and shouted at him, "Zim! Control your robot!"

"Yes sir my Tallest!" Zim said saluting. He turned angrily to Gir who was sitting up now but still smouldering. "Gir, go stand somewhere, and don't touch anything!"

"Okie dokie!" Gir replied getting to its feet. All of the potatoes it had been keeping in its head had been fried by the laser. The robot took out a potato chip and stuck it in its mouth before wandering off to hopefully do what it was told. Zim only kept an eye on Gir for a short while before 'forgetting' his duty.

"What if we all decide not to play this little game huh?" Dib asked looking pleased with himself. "You can't force us to do anything."

"Yeah… it's not like any of us asked to be here," Lard Nar said glaring at Miyuki. "Besides, you told us earlier that the energies of the universe couldn't interfere. You said it would be unfair, but isn't this interfering?"

"I actually would like to wake up fairly soon," Professor Membrane stated looking at his watch which he kept concealed under his large black gloves. "I have work to do in the name of science!"

"We're sleeping!?" Shloonktapooxis questioned worriedly looking back and forth between the Professor and Miyuki.

"Alright, before you become some kind of horrible mob that wants to murder me, I just want you to know that none of this was my idea," Miyuki told them lowering her antennae as she moved back to what she considered a 'safe' distance. "The energies of the universe ordered this to happen. If it doesn't, all of your lives will be destroyed, and technically this is fair because there is no favouritism and everyone is being given a chance to win. Oh, and maybe a little of it was my idea… but that still doesn't give you the right to murder me."

"You mean we're being held captive?" Zim questioned narrowing his eyes. His expression quickly went back to normal and he shrugged. "Eh… oh well. Worse things have happened."

"Like what!?" Dib demanded.

"I still think that horrible Halloweenies world youuu!" Zim pointed his finger angrily at Dib. "Trapped Zim in was much more FILTHY!"

"Alright, enough with the small talk; it's time to start," Miyuki spoke into the microphone. "The contests you'll compete in are chosen at random from this hat." She gestured to a hat that slowly lowered from the ceiling onto the judge's table.

"Oh and Tallest Red, you're going to have to get rid of that gun. Weapons aren't allowed on stage or anywhere else in this dimension." There were a bunch of fast movements from the audience as Irkens and other alien life forms hid the guns they'd brought along for the occasion.

"Yeah sure," Tallest Red said handing over his blaster. He didn't really want to hand it over, but if following her directions meant leaving this horrid place, he would do what he was told. Unless it was something really stupid like handing over the entire Armada or something. Then he would destroy everything he could get his claws on, you know, because destruction was cool.

"Prisoner 777, you can choose the first contest," Miyuki said, and the small pink Vortian hopped up onto the table and reached into the oversized hat filled with pieces of scrap paper.

He unfolded one and held it up. "This just says Mountain."

"The judges won't be needed for this one," Miyuki informed them. "You're all free to wander around aimlessly or go backstage where there's food and stuff."

"Oh. Ok," Prisoner 777 said jumping down. Tak stood up and promptly left the judge's table, and she was soon followed by the Vortian. Dwicky stayed where he was still fully engrossed in his newspaper. Actually, he hadn't said a word about any of this yet. Dib wondered if the man even knew where he was.

Suddenly the stage was covered by a large shadow. Everyone looked up to find a hole had opened up in the ceiling. The Tallest knew the sound a large falling object made, thanks to Zim, and that was exactly the sound they heard now.

"Move out of the way!" Miyuki called, and the Tallest immediately leapt off the stage and ducked behind the judge's table. The host dove into the curtains; Gir ran around in circles until Zim grabbed the crazy thing and dragged it with him into the other row of curtains. Everyone else moved to the back of the stage just as a giant mountain came crashing in through the ceiling. The hole that had been made before hadn't been wide enough, so pieces of ceiling rained down from above.

Miyuki cleared her throat and moved out of the curtains to stand in front of the mountain which now took up most of the stage. Only Duxi had been crushed by the massive object, but no one was too upset about that, in fact, the host cackled with glee.

"Alright, despite the loss of our beloved friend Duxi, we shall continue with the competition rightly named Mountain," she said into the microphone.

The audience stared speechlessly.

"I bet most of you are wondering what this competition is all about," she continued motioning to the mountain. "It's very simple actually. The goal of this competition is to reach the top. The first one to do this wins three points, the second one to reach the top wins two and the third only gets one. Duxi was supposed to be keeping track of the points for this, but since he's now crushed underneath the mountain, that duty will fall to me."

"I live!" came Duxi's garbled words from beneath the mound of rock.

The Tallest came out of their hiding place and everyone gathered at the base of the mountain.

"So when you say the top… do you mean the very top?" Red questioned flattening his antennae as he stared up at the face of the mountain. He couldn't see the peak since it was outside the broken roof.

"Yes, the very top," Miyuki repeated with a nod.

"And why should we climb this mountain?" Zim demanded pointing an accusing finger at the large thing.

"To get points Zim," was the host's reply. "If you want to get the most points, you have to climb the mountain and make it to the top before anyone else. That's why this is called a competition."

"Ah yes, I see," the small Irken said nodding absently. "And what will these points do?"

"Would you pay attention for once Zim!?" Dib said loudly.

"Zim was listening Dib-stink!"

Before their argument could escalate, Miyuki turned to Zim. "By the way, there will be no paks allowed during any and all competitions. I just thought you'd want to know that before you started climbing this mountain, slip, try to use your pak legs, and fall to your doom."

Purple gulped. Zim gaped, and Red just stared.

"Oh, and no hovering either," she added.

Shloonktapooxis sighed. Without arms and legs, he wouldn't be able to climb the mountain very easily.

"Ahhhhhhhh!" Dwicky screamed leaping up from his chair. The newspaper he'd been reading fell to the floor as he pointed at the mountain. "Where'd that thing come from!? Where is this place!?"

A giant spider promptly fell from the ceiling, wrapped the man up, and used its thread to pull its self back up to the ceiling with its prize.

"I really thought he knew everything already…" Miyuki admitted scratching the back of her head. "I mean, he did fill out the questionnaire."

"Are terribly large spiders supposed to fall from the ceiling like that?" Professor Membrane asked.

"Nope… as far as I know giant man eating creatures aren't supposed to exist here. I'm just as surprised as you are."

"That was kind of creepy," Schloonktapooxis admitted looking somewhat confused. "I've never seen a spider before! They're hairy."

"So what exactly is stopping us from simply not climbing this mountain?" Lard Nar asked deciding it would be better to disregard the whole spider incident. Everyone looked expectantly at the host.

"Obviously you aren't taking the prize seriously," Miyuki replied folding her arms in front of her. "One point could decide between who wins and who loses everything… besides, can you imagine what the Universe would be like if it was governed by… I don't know… someone like Gir?"

"The madness!" Zim screamed clutching his antennae.

"Wait…where is that horrible little robot…?" Purple asked noticing that Gir wasn't standing by Zim anymore.

"Hiiiii!" Gir shrieked from halfway up the mountain waving its little arms. "I'm gunna get me some tacooos!"

"Gir!" Zim hollered waving his fist in the air. "Get down from there right now!"

"You gotta catch me first!" the dysfunctional SIR unit called as it began to climb again.

"No! He'll doom the universe!" Dib cried leaping at the side of the mountain.

"I agree with you this time filthy Dib," Zim remarked as he too began climbing up the mountain. "Just try to beat Zim! I will laugh at your failure! Laugh I saaay!"

"And the race is on," Miyuki stated, and the audience cheered against their will. There was a horrible man eating spider looming over them, and the security said they wouldn't do anything about it unless the audience participated.

"I have a feeling we're going to notice the lack of thumbs during this," Purple said looking at his hands.

"Ah jeez Pur, you had to remind me," Red said glaring down at his co-Tallest. He had already started scaling the mountain and was catching up to Zim and Dib.

"Hey! When did you…?" Purple sighed as he found himself a grip and pulled himself off the ground.

"Well I'm not going to sit back and let those Tallest win," Lard Nar said as he too began to climb. Professor Membrane made a few calculations before deciding on the best place to start scaling the wall of stone, and Shloonktapooxiz took one final look around the stage before racing towards the wall of mountain. He took a running leap and bit into the stone with his teeth. He remained there suspended for a while until he realized he could use his antenna as an arm to hoist himself up.

Dib was the first one to reach Gir. The robot shrieked and latched onto the boy's face, and Dib quickly grabbed a hold of Gir and tried pulling it off, but the robot was stuck. His garbled words were unrecognizable as he fought with the crazy SIR.

Zim laughed evilly as he climbed past Dib. "Stuupid human!"

"Wheee!" Gir cried as Dib fell backwards off the mountain. It took out Purple, Professor Membrane, and Shloonktapooxis with it, which was an amazing feat that required a lot of sharp turns and bouncing off rocks and other such things because Purple and Shloonktapooxis were on the other side of the mountain from where Gir fell. Professor Membrane hadn't made it too far up the mountain, so everyone ended up landing on top of him.

"My back is broken!" Professor Membrane exclaimed from beneath the pile.

"Ugh…" Dib held his head as he sat up. "Wow, that wasn't so bad after all."

"You're sitting on my head," Purple told Dib sounding annoyed.

"We rolled all the way to the floor!" Gir exclaimed happily despite it having lost its legs on the way down.

"I think I'm going to puke!" Shloonktapooxis remarked as he wiggled as he attempted to free himself. He was pinned underneath Tallest Purple who was wearing heavy armour, so he wasn't going anywhere.

Dib slid off the pile of bodies and looked back up at the Mountain. He couldn't see the remaining competitors; they had probably already reached the top. "So who won?" he asked Miruki was sitting on the judge's table chatting it up with a yellow blob creature.

She turned to the small boy and quickly got back to her feet.

"Bring out the monitors!" she commanded, and the Irken secret service for the Tallest flew across the stage with their jet-packs hauling a gigantic screen behind them. They set it down in front of the mountain before flying back into the audience.

Crash!

"Ah! My eye!"

Miyuki's microphone turned into a remote and she flipped the monitor on. It showed the top of the mountain, but no one was there yet. A bird smacked into the stone and plummeted downwards, and the wind whistled.

Suddenly the screen flickered, and a game of basketball appeared in place of the mountain. Miyuki's finger was on the channel button. She raised her antennae and lend forward just as one of the freakishly large human made a jump for the net.

Slam dunk!

"How did that get on the Mountain!?" the host cried pointing at the screen with her mouth hanging open. The audience cheered even though they'd never seen basketball, and they had no idea what was going on.

Dib stared at the screen for a while before raising a brow at the host.

"Yeah… ok… you know that's a basketball game right? Not the contest."

Purple and Shloontapooxis had managed to free themselves from the pile after a bit of awkwardness. The Tallest straightened up and look to the monitor as he quickly tried to erase the horrible memories of free falling off the side of the mountain from his mind.

Professor Membrane was laying face first on the ground, twitching in pain, and Gir was sitting nearby watching the game on what he perceived to be a giant TV, which it basically was.

Then the mountain exploded.

**More Notes: **It's three o' clock in the morning, and I'm still wide awake! Of course when I post this fic it will be a few days (or weeks) later and probably not 3 o' clock anymore… That's it. I'm going to bed (after I play a bit more Harvest Moon) I love that game.

Names that could have been used for the Contest instead of "Mountain:" "Climb or Die." "Pheer the Mountain of Doom." "Up and Over, Nah just Kidding." And maybe "Ultimate Climber." Unfortunately I hate naming things, so "Mountain" it was.


	4. No Interruptions? Impossible!

**Author's notes/disclaimer: **I own no IZ character. The Universe they are currently residing in is a product of my imagination, and so is Duxi, but that's where it ends.

So have you noticed a lack of updates since I started working? It's not that I don't have time, its just I feel less like updating when there are so few reviews. I will still update even if there are no reviews, but it will take a bit longer. –sigh- It's just I have really little inspiration when it comes to posting stuff online sometimes. It comes and goes. Right now I'm in a bit of a slump, maybe due to being tired a lot from work.

**No Interruptions? Impossible!**

"According to this, the winner of the last competition was Zim," Miyuki remarked holding up a mini-computer that listed the winners in order. "Red came in second, then Lard Nar."

"Luckily for me that Vortian realized it was a volcano before we reached the top," Red told Purple, and he elbowed his co-Tallest in the side.

"My organs still hurt," Purple whined waving him away.

"I have a name you know," Lard Nar stated folding his arms and glaring up at the Tallest.

"Yeah whatever, anyway, we were both ahead of Zim for a while, but when the mountain started trembling, we let him go ahead of us and waited for the lava to settle before climbing to the top," Red explained with a grin. "It was the funniest thing ever!"

"If I didn't say anything you would have gotten caught in the explosion too," Lard Nar said rolling his eyes.

"What do you want, a medal?"

"I want a lot more than just a medal stupid Irken."

"Too bad, you're not even getting a medal."

"That's enough, both of you," Miyuki replied grabbing a shovel out of the air. The stage was covered in ash and other debris from the volcano. "Right now we have to recover Zim and find out if he's dead or not."

"I wanna be a shovel!" Gir squealed.

"Can't we just leave him where he is?" Red asked letting his antennae fall.

"Yeah, then we won't have to listen to him yelling all the time," Purple said with a nod.

"No!" Miyuki snapped shoving the end of the shovel in Red's face. "We are all going to look for him and we're all going to have fun doing it! Understand?"

"Can we look for him and not have fun doing it?" Dib asked the host.

"Or even better, can we NOT look for him and have fun doing that?" Purple questioned placing his hands behind his back innocently.

"Watch out for that lava on the floor!" Shloonktapooxis hollered at Dib who had taken an uneasy step away from Miyuki who was now pointing the shovel threateningly at Purple. He glanced over his shoulder and found a puddle of lava steaming and bubbling.

"Woe… thanks…" the boy said as he quickly moved away from the dangerous substance.

"Sure, no problem," the cone shaped alien replied happily sticking his tongue out.

"The next one who argues with me gets thrown into the volcano," Miyuki told them. "Now, go search."

"Wow, it looks like a bomb or something went off in here," Prisoner 777 noted poking his head around the corner of the stage.

Everyone paused in their search briefly to regard the small pink Vortian.

"Didn't you hear the explosion?" Lard Nar asked and Prisoner 777 shook his head.

"Nope, not a sound, I was too busy coming up with a weapon that will kill the giant spider who's decided to take over the room in the back," he paused for a moment and turned his attention to the volcano. "It looks like you guys are having fun… anyway; I've got to get back to fighting that spider, so just call us when you need us I guess."

"I guess the 'no weapons rule' doesn't apply when there are giant spiders trying to doom us," Miyuki muttered.

Professor Membrane happened to have a metal detector concealed under his white lab coat, and he used it to locate Zim who was buried under a pile of soot. After accepting this as a very strange dream, the professor had started studying the components around him. He realized that the floor didn't burn up when touched by lava and that Irken paks were mostly composed of metal parts.

"Found him!" the tall human called holding an unconscious Zim up by the antennae.

"That's great," Miyuki replied motioning for an unseen entity in the ceiling. A portal appeared and the mountain was instantly sucked up by the black-hole looking thing.

"Now we can continue with the contest."

"Aw, is master dead?" Gir asked.

"Probably yes," Miyuki replied exchanging her shovel for her microphone. "But we can revive him. We have the technology."

"This has disaster written all over it," Lard Nar said with a sigh.

A few hours and a couple of zombies later…

"I am ZIM!" Zim shouted triumphantly soon after regaining consciousness. He looked around him only to discover that the volcano was gone, and everyone else was on the ceiling, including the audience. His antennae twitched when he heard the sound of horrible groaning behind him, and he turned around only to find himself face to face with a small human zombie child.

"Ahhhhh!!" he screamed jumping backwards and running away from the undead thing. Unfortunately Miyuki's attempts at reviving Zim had somehow caused over a dozen zombies to come into existence, so it wasn't long before the small Irken was surrounded by these groaning lurching creatures.

"After all of that, Zim is just going to end up dead again anyway," Red noted.

"This is why we do not reanimate corpses!" Professor Membrane stated waving his finger at the host.

"Secret service people!" Miyuki shouted gesturing at the zombies. "Get rid of those things!"

The Irken security looked at each other for a moment. One of them shook his head furiously while the two others hid underneath their seats.

"You guys are useless you know that?" Miyuki remarked unhappily.

Drip. Drip.

Dib brushed some wet stuff off his shoulder; it was sticky…

"Hey guys… isn't the giant flesh eating spider thing still on the ceiling?" Shloonktapooxis asked.

Everyone looked up through the giant hold in the ceiling. The giant spider drooled hungrily as it lowered its self closer to its second victim (Dwicky being the first) and Dib turned as white as a banshee. The spider's fangs were only inches away from his head!

A laser beam shot past Miyuki, and Prisoner 777 rode out on the giant spider that had taken over the backroom earlier. He had a gun in his hands, and he was aiming it at the other spider. Unfortunately for everyone on the ceiling, Prisoner 777 was an engineer and not a practiced soldier, so his aim was horrible. The laser ended up hitting the ceiling and not the intended target.

"Oops, sorry about that!" the Vortian said rubbing the back of his head sheepishly.

"You had your eyes closed!" Miyuki shouted at Prisoner 777. "You can't aim with your eyes closed!"

"I can't aim with them open either actually."

"Then give the gun to someone who can!"

The audience had a whole bunch of weapons of their own, but they decided not to use them since it was much more amusing to watch. Big mistake. Prisoner 777 tossed the weapon to Zim who had yet to have his brains eaten by the slobbering ghouls.

"He didn't…" Red said turning to Purple.

"He did…" the other Tallest remarked gaping.

Zim laughed maniacally as he shot down the zombies one after another. Blood spattered all over the stage, and a few stray lasers caught the curtains on fire. The audience screamed as they dived behind each other trying to avoid the blasts that somehow kept coming at them. Miyuki yelped when she realized that the spider had turned away from Dib and was now after her. Determined not to be eaten by anything ever again, she ran past both Tallests, Lard Nar, and Professor Membrane, but the creature kept coming for her, so she grabbed Gir, turned around, and shoved it into the spider's mouth.

"I'm candy!" the crazy SIR cheered happily.

Suddenly Prisoner 777's spider launched its self onto the ceiling. The other spider spat Gir out, and together the two love-struck man eaters crawled out of the giant gaping hole in the ceiling.

"Do you think they're going to come back?" Shloonktapooxis asked once the eight legged couple had disappeared out into the world.

"I really really hope not," Purple answered shuttering at the thought. "Those things were ugly!"

"Aw, but they're in love!" Gir chirped from the floor.

"Augh!" Miyuki exclaimed her eyes wide in horror. "What did you do to my stage!?"

Below them Zim was standing with the now useless gun at his feet. The walls were coated in blood, the floor was coated in blood and other gore, the curtains were smouldering piles of ash, and there were also scorch marks along most of the stage.

"Eh?" Zim looked up at her before smiling and placing his hands on his hips. "Oh this? Zim destroyed those filthy smelly worm creatures!"

"And my stage!" Miyuki sobbed.

"Yes, that's pretty much been destroyed too," Zim said nodding. "Another job well done!"

Duxi appeared from a portal in the floor, a mop and bucket in hand. He was still impersonating Spork, only now instead of wearing the usual Tallest armour, he was wearing an apron along with some regular human clothes.

"Don't worry, boss, I'll have this place cleaned up in no time!" he exclaimed holding his mop up as though it were worthy of praise.

"Alright," the host said reaching for a slip of paper from the hat that had just appeared. "The next contest will be… Art?" She crumbled up the piece of paper and threw it to the ground. "Someone around here needs to start getting more creative with the names of these things!"

"Yeah, like it could maybe say what type of art for example," Red suggested scratching his chin. "Sculpture, mosaic, illustration, painting, digital…"

"Digital? Have we ever done that before?" Purple asked sounding interested.

"Nope, I don't think we have."

Everyone in the audience stared at the Tallest. Someone coughed.

"What?" Red questioned glaring at the audience members. "We can't just blow things up all day. That would get boring."

"You never said anything about your leaders liking art," Dib said elbowing Zim in the side. "I was starting to think you were some kind of hard-core military people like the Romans who stole art and literature from the Greeks instead of making their own."

"We steal plenty of art too," Purple interjected, and his co-Tallest nodded.

"Yeah, then blast it into pieces! Inferior art!" Red exclaimed smiling evilly.

"Zim doesn't know what you're talking about Dib-Worm," Zim said looking away and crossing his arms over his chest. He always zoned out when the Bitters woman started talking about filthy human history.

"Have you decided what we'll be doing yet?" Lard Nar asked the host. He was bored and tired of listening to the Tallest.

"Yes, I will have you all paint," she replied before turning to Prisoner 777 who had returned from the back room with Tak and Dwicky. "Did you leave?"

"For a minute there I did," he answered. "Tak needed help getting Dwicky out of that spider's cocoon."

The former Skool councillor waved at Miyuki sheepishly.

"Alright then, since Dwicky was almost eaten alive, I will let him choose the theme," the host announced pointing her microphone at him.

"Uhh… theme for what?" he asked.

"The next contest… pay attention!"

"But I was stuck in a spider's web…"

"That's no excuse! Seven managed to not only pay attention, but also capture the spider and create a laser gun to blast away the zombies. You got off easy sitting all pretty-like in that web of yours."

"I couldn't move because of the poison flowing through my veins!"

"That's still not very impressive," she muttered before switching her attention to Duxi. "I guess I'll let you choose the next theme then."

"Anime girls wooo!" Duxi shouted throwing his mop into the air.

"What?" Dib questioned blinking. "Did he just say…?"

"Anime Girls!?" Miyuki shrieked, and her microphone once again connected with Duxi's head.

"What kind of genderless energy helper are you!? Pick something that everyone has heard about!"

Red and Purple exchanged an I-know-what-he's-talking-about-but-I-don't-want-to-admit-it look as Duxi rubbed the sore spot on his head and tried to think of something else. Zim had sent a report on anime at one time… something about Gir forcing him to 'share.'

"How about a volcano then?" Duxi asked. "Everyone has seen one of those. You can paint whatever else you want as long as there's a volcano in it. Easy right? Good. Now let me finish my wonderful mopping!"

"Would you stop looking like Spork already!? You're making me have flashbacks!" the host snapped at him, and Duxi looked back at her with a pleasantly bewildered expression.

"Oh sure, no problem," he said shrinking down and changing his species from Irken to Vortian. His skin was pure white and his eyes were a golden brown. He was wearing a white apron over a green suit, clear goggles, and long gloves. "Better now?" he asked grinning.

"Yeah, much better," the host said returning her attention to the contestants.

"I'm smaller, so that means I can go like this!" Duxi exclaimed sliding on his stomach across the wet floor, and knocking over the bucket of water. "Wheee!"

"We're going to get hiiit!" Gir shouted happily throwing its arms in the air.

SLAM

Duxi laughed. He was upside down with his back against the wall after taking out both Tallest, Lard Nar, Dib, Zim, and Gir. His mop had flown out of his hands, and it had struck Professor Membrane in the head. The Professor crashed to the floor, out cold, while an unscathed Shloonktapooxis turned to Miyuki who was trembling in rage making it hard for her to drink the tea she had summoned for herself.

The Tallest jumped up when their skin started burning from all the water that had been spread everywhere.

"Ew, it burns!" Purple said as he tried to shake the water off his sizzling hand.

"It's all over the place!" Red shouted turning to his fellow Tallest.

They both had the same idea.

Miyuki's antennae twitched. Red and Purple had once again taken shelter behind the judge's table just as Zim realized he was burning and started running around the stage screaming and flailing his arms.

Lard Nar climbed back to his feet and held his aching head. Zim screaming wasn't helping… Dib picked himself up only to realize that his father was lying motionless on the ground.

"Dad…? Are you…" Dib questioned as he approached his unconscious father. He saw the mop lying nearby and sighed. "Well that's just great."

"This contest is never going to get started if you don't behave yourself," Miyuki scolded Duxi who righted himself and looked around at all the water he spilt on the stage.

"I just wanted to test out my new body," he pouted folding his arms in front of him and lowering his head. "You don't have to be mean about it."

"Aww… you made the little frog man saaad," Gir remarked; its eyes becoming crescent-shaped to show its own sadness. The robot walked over to Duxi and offered him a block of cheese. "I was saving this for Scary Monkey, but you can have it! It's cheese!"

Duxi blinked down at the orange block, but ended up taking it from Gir who squealed cheerfully and took out another one.

"It smells funny," Duxi commented.

"I know! It's gotta twin see!? They've been together foreeever!"

"Are those human bones!?" Dwicky suddenly shrieked pointing to the blood covered remains of the zombies.

"They were zombies actually!" Dib yelled across the stage at his former councillor. "But you don't really believe in zombies do you!?"

"Yeah, they were zombies, but there dead now," Prisoner 777 reassured his fellow judge. "I mean, they're deader than they were earlier…" Despite the Vortian's reassurance, Dwicky fainted.

Tak cackled as she watched Zim running around screaming with smoke rising from his burns.

A few hours went by before everything was clean and normal again. The judges sat at their table while the contestants stood lined up on stage. Each of them had a canvas in front of them, and all of them were holding a paint palette in one hand and a paintbrush in the other (except for Shloonktapooxis because that was physically impossible for him.)

"The rules are simple," Miyuki said marching past each of the contestants. "You have a paint palette. You take the paint from the palette and put it on the canvas. There will be no paint throwing, tossing, squirting, eating, or anything else that doesn't involve simply putting it on the canvas, understand?"

The contestants nodded wordlessly in fear that the host might inflict some kind of punishment on them for speaking.

"Good. You have fifteen minutes. You may begin." A large countdown clock appeared on the monitor sitting next to the stage and Zim pointed accusingly at it.

"It's a bomb!" he stated.

"No, that's a timer…" Miyuki corrected him.

"You lie!" the small Irken shrieked. "That's a bomb!"

"No it isn't!"

"Yes it is!"

"No it isn't!"

"Yes it is!"

"Would you just shut up and paint something!?" the host shouted, and Zim growled at her.

"Zim, we order you to stop being annoying," Red told the small Irken firmly. Purple nodded in agreement as he measured out an angle on the canvas with his paint brush.

"Zim isn't being annoying!" the Irken argued, but an angry glare from Red quickly shut him up.

Miyuki looked away from the stage to refill her empty tea cup and sighed. She brought the cup to her lips and turned back to the contestants only to find everyone completely coated in paint. The walls had finger prints all over it, and the floor was also covered in many bright colours. She spat out her tea and stood there gaping at them.

"W…what did you…?" her antennae became limp as she continued to stare. "I only turned my back for a few seconds! How did you...?"

Dib shot a dirty look at Zim who ignored the boy and shrugged his shoulders at the host, grinning secretly to himself. The Tallest snickered at each other. The only way anyone could tell them apart now was from their eye colour. Lard Nar removed his goggles and wiped some of the paint off them. Gir threw its paintbrush away and started painting with the goop on its hands.

Shloonktapooxis didn't seem to notice that he was coated in paint. He held the palette with his antennae and kept the paintbrush in his mouth. Apparently it was easier for him to paint this way.

Professor Membrane was now wearing a multi-coloured lab coat, and he seemed just as confused as the host about what had happened. "Well… onto painting!" he stated moving his paintbrush slowly towards the canvas.

When the time ended, the monitor exploded, just as Zim predicted. Surprisingly all of the paintings survived the paint attack and the horrible explosion.

The judges looked over all of them. Tak, called Zim's pitiful, and it was. Zim was definitely not an artist. Dibs didn't fair any better, and Gir had somehow missed the theme and had painted his friend Pig instead. Both Lard Nar's and Professor Membrane's were about average; a little too plain and uncreative though. The Tallests' were very good; they made their paintings look very realistic, basically Irken drones getting engulfed by fire and lava from a volcano in the background, but the winner ended up being Shloonktapooxis.

Red and Purple stood behind the judges who had "ooed" and "awed" at the cone-shaped alien's painting, and they were struck speechless. It was absolutely amazing! A volcano appeared rising up out of a planet and it erupted in space as a giant supernova looking explosion. The colours were brilliant, and the placement was genius.

"It's amazing…" Purple breathed. "Is this what its like to be awestruck?"

"I think so," Red replied.

"I had no idea he could paint like that," Lard Nar remarked coming up beside them to take a look for himself.

"It's abstract, yet it looks real… like that could be a real volcano, only bigger," Purple said as he tried to make some sense of what he was seeing. Something brushed up against him, and his antennae rose a little in surprise but he couldn't look away from the painting. "Could you maybe not touch me?" he told the closest person to him which happened to be Lard Nar.

"I'm not touching you crazy Irken," the leader of the Resisty remarked.

"Uh guys…" Shloonktapooxis said sticking his tongue out. "I think the zombies are back again."

The judges turned to find Zim, Dib, and Professor Membrane fighting with the horde of zombies that had somehow returned. Purple and Lard Nar jumped when they realized one of the zombies was standing in between them, but it wasn't moving. It just stared wide-eyed at the painting.

"Mm… good art," it said. "Yeah, it is," Purple agreed. He and Lard Nar fell back into place while Red went to join the zombie battle, and the judges left to eat more food.

Gir was sitting in a corner away from all of the chaos with his picture of Pig.

"Hey Pig, you wanna eat some nachos too!?" it asked the painting happily. The robot waited for a little while as though it expected a response before throwing its arms around the canvas.

"I missed you too Pig! We gunna go to the park together and eat ducks! Eee! I like eatin ducks!"

**More Notes: **Now we know who can paint and who can't. Yeah… and the zombies wandering around the dimension are like cockroaches; hard to kill. Even after Zim went a little nuts with the gun, they still manage to stick around.

The reason I wrote this fic is because I wanted all of the regular characters to be taken out of their natural environment( Dib, Zim, Gaz, Tak, Gir, Red, Purple) and thrown into an odd situation of having to spend large amounts of time with each other against their will, but I also wanted to include a few of the non-regular characters (Lard Nar, Dwicky, Prisoner 777, Miyuki, Professor Membrane, Shloonktapooxis) as well.

You might have noticed by now that Tak and Gaz aren't going to be playing any vital roles toward the plot. They will be in it of course, but they aren't going to be in the spot light very often. I apologize in advance to all of those Gaz and Tak fans running loose out there.


	5. Best Killer Robot

**Author's notes: **I remind everyone that I was amazingly bored when wrote this and probably sleep deprived. Most likely sleep deprived… Oh, and you might have to watch quite a few episodes of Invader Zim before you're able to recognize some of the characters in this story.

**Best Killer Robot**

"That's it! I just can't live like this anymore!" Miyuki hollered waving the plasma gun she had grabbed from a startled audience member.

Red and Professor Membrane quickly moved to take the gun away, but she kept flailing it around, making it nearly impossible for them to grab.

"Don't do it Tallest Miyuki!" Red cried catching a hold of her arm.

"Yes strange imaginary creature," Professor Membrane said grabbing her around the waist. "You have much to live for! You shouldn't end your life like this."

"End my life?" Miyuki questioned laughing as she broke away from them. She turned the gun to the other contestants and glared at both Red and the Professor who stood watching her with surprised expressions on their faces.

"Why would I do something stupid like that? Oh no. I'm going to shoot all of you! That's right! Then everything will be taken care of and I won't have to host this horrible contest anymore!"

"Ahhh!"

"Hey, you're the one that volunteered!" Dib shouted at her.

The contestants cringed and covered their heads as Miyuki began charging the plasma gun to maximum power.

"Uh, excuse me," Prisoner 777 said peering out from the back room. He squeaked when Miyuki swung around and pointed the gun at him.

"What is it!?"

He looked past her at the shaken contestants before raising his eyes to meet the host's. "Yeah, well, I er… was told to tell you that the guest judge is here, but I don't think you'd want him…"

She lowered her weapon and raised her antennae curiously. Her eyes fell to the gun in her hand, and she tossed it away much to everyone's relief, adopting the microphone instead.

"Sorry everyone, I had a bit of a melt-down there… but I do have some good news! Apparently one of our guest judges has finally arrived. He won't be staying for long, so let's try to keep this room zombie free for the next little while and no more explosions ok?"

"The explosion was your fault and so were the zombies!" Zim stated lowering his antennae as he smirked up at the host.

"Nuh uh, Miyuki was framed!" Gir said giddily.

"No Gir, you're wrong," Zim replied.

"Ooohhh…"

Duxi suddenly bolted in from the back room, nearly knocking prisoner 777 over, and he ran across the stage looking terrified. "WHY OH GODS!? WHYYY!?" he shrieked before hiding behind Dib.

"Erm… Ok… What are you doing?" Dib asked glancing over his shoulder at the cowering Vortian energy thing.

"Sometimes switching bodies makes him crazier than usual," was Miyuki's nonchalant answer.

"WE'RE ALL GUNNA DIE!" Duxi screamed clinging to Dib who nearly fell over from this sudden movement.

"Are you sure he's just crazy?" Purple asked narrowing one of his eyes in a questioning manner.

"He looks kind of… insane."

"That's the same thing," Lard Nar informed him moodily.

"Actually, the judge isn't so bad…" Prisoner 777 commented from the door. "He's a nice guy, just a little rough around the edges. Still, I think maybe we should uh… keep Miyuki and the other Tallests away from this one, oh, and the building probably won't last very long…"

"What are you talking about?" Miyuki demanded placing her hands on her hips. "You're acting like this guest judge is something we've got to be afraid of."

"SOMETHING SOMEWHERE HELP US!" Duxi cried as Dib grabbed him and tried to pull him off.

"Aw! Dib's getting hugs!" Gir exclaimed bouncing up and down.

"I don't want hugs…" Dib choked turning pale. "I want to breathe!"

"Duxi, let go of Dib before you kill him," Miyuki insisted, but her helper was too busy screaming to listen. "Could someone pry that little pest off the human child before he chokes to death?"

Zim only smirked at Dib's pain.

"Don't worry son, I'll help you!" Professor Membrane stated, and he whipped out a taser and zapped Duxi. The energy connecting with energy did cause Duxi to let go, but his head started buzzing a mile a minute. The excess energy was too much and he flew up and crashed violently into the ceiling.

"Wow! That was pretty cool!" Shloonktapooxis remarked grinning.

"That was an unexpected reaction…" the Professor said staring up at Duxi who now had his head stuck in the ceiling.

"Thanks dad..." Dib said rubbing his sore neck.

"No problem! I always keep a taser on me in case something like this happens!" The professor scratched his chin in thought. "Well not exactly like this… but there have been a few experiments that have gone horribly horribly wrong!"

"Well since this judge or whatever seems to hate Tallests or something, I guess I'll send Purple to go investigate," the host declared pointing at the purple eyed Tallest.

"If you make it back unscathed we won't have to worry anymore, and if you die, well, the Empire will still have Tallest Red."

"Thanks…" Purple said lowering his antennae. "That makes me feel much better."

"Just remember your soldier training and you'll be fine," Red tried to encourage him.

"Did I even pass my test for that…?"

"Erm… uh… sure, yeah, sure you did."

"No really, I don't think you should…" Prisoner 777 began motioning with his hands, but he was interrupted by the host.

"You can use this," Miyuki said sounding chipper as she held up the mop Duxi had forgotten about. She shoved it into Purple's hands and pushed him forward. "Good luck buddy."

Prisoner 777 sighed and lowered his head. Why didn't anyone ever listen? A frightened looking Tallest Purple moved passed him into the back room and the Vortian quickly followed after him.

"Well there's no screams so far," Miyuki noted. "That's a good sign."

Duxi finally dislodged himself from the ceiling and fell on top of Lard Nar.

"Owie…" Duxi whimpered rubbing his sore head. "You didn't have to do that…"

"Get off," Lard Nar said shoving the Vortian poser off of him; he stood up and dusted off his uniform.

Red kept his eyes fixated on the door which led to the back room while everyone else just stood around awkwardly. A few minutes passed and there was still no sign of Tallest Purple.

"Well, I guess he's dead," Dib suddenly spoke up.

"Nonsense!" Zim retorted. "The Tallest won't be defeated by some judge person!"

"AAAAAHHHH!" Purple's scream came from back stage.

"What were you saying Zim?" Dib asked smirking.

Purple flew out of the room dropping the mop as he ran. He grabbed Red by the arm and dragged him behind the judge's table where he sat shivering and mumbling incoherently. Red blinked and managed to remove his arm from Purple's iron hold.

"What's going on Pur? Did you see what it was?"

Crash!

The giant head of a hideous monster broke through the door which was much too small for it to fit. It roared and turned its beady black eyes to Miyuki, licking its lips in a very deliberate manner. Shloop. The energy making up the walls was absorbed into its mouth and it slithered forward grinning evilly.

"That's the horrible blob monster from Vort Lab 9!" Lard Nar shouted waving his finger at the beast.

"Chubby!" Zim exclaimed remembering his little creation that had since grown into a huge Tallest eating monster. The creature turned to its 'father' and its small black eyes lit up. It moved its bulky body forward and wormed its way to Zim licking the small Irken on the cheek much like a puppy would.

"Yes yes Chubby, Zim has missed you too," the Irken said patting it on the head.

"Awww, it's kind of cute," Shloonktapooxis happily spoke up.

Miyuki was lying on the floor, her mouth open wide in shock, her eyes were also much wider than before, and her skin was pure white. She was out cold. The fear and dread she'd experience seeing the monster that had devoured her all of those years ago had been too overwhelming.

"Ooo I know this!" Gir shrieked cheerfully, remembering one of the movies he'd seen on TV. "Its gunna go underground and eat us like tacos!" The robot smiled and stuck its tongue out in a dopey manner.

"Zim, that thing isn't going to eat anyone is it…?" Dib questioned warily.

The small Irken looked amused. "I really couldn't tell you Dib-monkey, Chubby doesn't listen to Zim."

"Ahhh!" Duxi shrieked climbing up Professor Membrane and attaching himself to the tall human's head. "I'menergyitsgunnaeatmekeepitawaywaaaaah!"

"Get rid of it!" Both Red and Purple shouted from their favourite hiding spot.

The monster looked down at the unconscious Miyuki and opened its mouth wide to swallow her whole.

"Nooooo!" Duxi shouted launching himself all dramatic like from the Professor's head. He flew forward and struck the creature in-between the eyes before falling into its mouth. Gulp. The creature swallowed and Duxi was gone.

The loud 'no' had awakened Miyuki who promptly leapt to her feet and began running for her life. "I'm not going to end up as worm food!" She shrieked flailing her arms wildly. "Never again!"

Miyuki ran into the backroom, and the large blob monster followed. She ran back onto the stage a few minutes later with the large creature still on her heels.

"New contest!" she shouted grabbing Prisoner 777 and holding him up as a shield. The blob monster stopped and stared at the Vortian confused, and 777 waved at it nervously.

"The first one to build a killer robot and destroy this awful creature wins!"

A whole bunch of machine parts fell from the ceiling, and the contestants on stage were forced to dodge falling pieces of metal and other strange gadgets which were a mixture of Irken, Vortian, and human technology.

"Yay lugnuts!" Gir cheered jumping into a pile of metal parts. He started doing the back stroke while everyone else just stared at Miyuki.

"Will it count for points?" Dib asked smirking. As far as he could tell, only the Tallest seemed to be having problems with the blob monster. Well, them and Duxi, but Duxi had already been eaten so he didn't count anymore.

"Of course it will!" she snapped recognizing the look the human was giving her. He didn't think it was his problem! She turned to Lard Nar who folded his arms and gave her a similar smile.

"I'd sacrifice a few points to see the Tallest get eaten by this thing," Lard Nar said.

"Me too," Dib agreed.

"Yeah well, your head is big!" Purple called to Dib, and the human immediately turned to the Tallests who were still hiding under the table.

"My head is not big!" he stated irritably.

"Well actually…" Shloonktapooxis began squinting at the human. "It kind of is."

Zim laughed. "See Dib-thing, your head is huge!"

"Well I wouldn't say it was huuuge," Shloonktapooxis said as Dib began trembling in rage.

"That's enough about my head!" the boy shouted.

"Fine, but if I get eaten Seven is coming with me!" Miyuki remarked clutching the Vortian tighter. The blob monster kept starting at her hungrily, but it wouldn't come any closer with the Vortian in her arms. "Isn't that right Seven?"

"Oog…" the Vortian said as his insides were smooshed by the overly anxious host.

"That's a cowardly thing to do, using a Vortian as your shield like that!" Lard Nar shouted angrily at her.

"Well I'm not exactly feeling very brave right now buddy, if you haven't noticed," Miyuki retorted. "Anyway, if this thing gets hungry enough it will start eating this building and all the other energy things here. If that happens, you will all be stuck in infinite darkness forever!"

Professor Membrane had already picked out a few human instruments out of the pile. At least he was willing to give it a shot. Then again, building a high-tech robot was all about science and engineering; something he was very very interested in.

"Here you go!" Gir exclaimed poking his head out of the pile and handing the professor a couple screws.

"Thank you strange talking robot," Professor Membrane said happily. "Now I shall construct something amazing! Or at least something that might make a good batch of coffee… I haven't had a cup of that since I became unconscious! I crave caffeine!"

"Fine," Dib said throwing up his hands in defeat. "I'll give it a shot, though I've never actually built a robot before…"

"I already made mine!" Gir shouted holding up a spoon.

"Gir, that is not a robot," Zim corrected his SIR, and he sighed. "I guess Zim will show you how amazing he is and build a doom machine of horrible doom!"

"Don't let him do it!" Red cried poking his head out from under the table.

"Yeah, he'll kill us all!" Purple agreed pulling Red down so the energy absorbing monster wouldn't see them.

Zim didn't seem to hear his Tallests at all. He turned to his blob creation and spoke to it. "Sorry Chubby, but you're old news. Zim has made much better things, so I'm afraid I'm going to have to destroy you now."

"Oh gods Zim! Don't make it angry!" Miyuki hollered taking a step back.

"Don't worry my Tallest… er… former Tallest!" Zim said holding his head up proudly. "Chubby's brain meats are very tiny. It probably didn't know what half of that stuff meant."

"Roooooooaaar!" the blob creature swung around and glared angrily at its master.

"Or… maybe it did," Zim replied shrugging his shoulders.

"You might want to run now Zim," Dib remarked chuckling. The monster's mouth was already positioned over top of the small Irken.

"Ahh! Bad Chubby! Bad!" Zim screamed as he dodged to the side and fled into the crowed.

"Ah! No! Stay away!" the audience members cried. Luckily for them Miyuki happened to have a button which launched all of the audience members out of the building. Unfortunately for them nothing existed outside of the building, so they were all suspended in endless darkness.

"Can I help out?" Prisoner 777 asked looking up at Miyuki.

"No…" She replied. "You're a judge; that would be cheating."

"Wait a minute; you're going to stop the only guy who might possibly be able to save us from doing anything?" Red questioned her disbelievingly.

"This is officially a contest now," Miyuki replied glaring at the other Tallest. "As much as I would love to let 777 build us a death robot; we're not allowed to bend the rules, even if it is life or death."

"Says who?" asked Purple raising an antenna.

"Important people," the host hastily answered. "Now shut up and build something!"

"Are you insane!?" Red asked as Purple disappeared back underneath the table. "We're not going out there with that Tallest eating monster running around loose!"

"It's chasing Zim," she tried hoping that somehow they'd be coaxed out of their hiding spot so that she could steal it from them.

"Nope, nuh uh, not coming out," Purple said waving a hand over the table, shooing her away.

"I'm guessing we aren't allowed to work together on this project either are we?" Lard Nar asked after a bit of reflection.

"Sorry, it's against the rules," Miyuki answered dropping Prisoner 777.

"Nobody cares about the stupid rules!" Red shouted. He held his head and let out a frustrated sigh. He knew the designs for most of the battle-mechs used in the Irken military, but he wasn't about to risk leaving his hiding spot to build one, or at least try to build one.

"I've done it!" Professor Membrane exclaimed happily, and he held up the device he'd been working on.

"Battle-mech!?" both Tallests questioned eagerly poking their heads up just as Zim ran by with the blob monster hot on his trail. Luckily for Red and Purple, the creature was too distracted trying to eat its former master to pay them any mind.

"It's better!" Shloonktapooxis said waving his single antennae around.

"I made…" Professor Membrane began pushing the red button on the front of the device. "Coffee!" The brown liquid began to drip down, and he quickly produced a paper cup he had found amongst the metal debris around him.

"Ooo can I have some!?" Gir asked leaping out from one of the piles of scattered technology.

"Sure you can little robot," Professor Membrane replied still sounding quite proud of his achievement. Miyuki had melted with disappointment and was now a puddle next to Prisoner 777. Red and Purple gave each other a strange look before sinking back underneath the table.

"What the heck is coffee?" Lard Nar questioned and Professor Membrane gasped. "You have never tried coffee before!?" The man pointed finger at the leader of the Resisty. "Then you must have some!"

Before Lard Nar could object, Professor Membrane shoved a paper cup filled with coffee into his hands. "I would offer some to you son, but you know what they say: drink coffee too young and it'll stunt your growth."

"That's a myth dad; it's already been disproved," Dib said while sifting though the debris on the stage for a wrench.

"Sure it has son." Professor Membrane remarked in his I'll-humour-my-son-so-he-doesn't-get-angry voice. He shoved his finger in Lard Nar's face, and the Vortian took an uncomfortable step backwards.

"Just how old are you any way goat man?" the professor asked, and Lard Nar glared at him

"I'm not a child if that's what you're wondering… and what the heck is a goat?"

"Vortians are naturally short… and goat-like," Miyuki explained hovering over to the Professor. She picked up a cup off the floor and held it out. "May I?"

"Sure," Professor Membrane replied pouring her some coffee.

Shloonktapooxis let his tongue roll out as he watched the vicious blob monster nearly close its jaws around Zim.

BOOM!

Some of the materials on the stage suddenly exploded, and Gir was tossed into the air smouldering and laughing.

"Bwaaaahh!" Zim continued to scream. He hadn't stopped to take a breath yet, so he was starting to change colour.

"Hang on a sec," Prisoner 777 called to Zim. The Vortian had taken a whole bunch of wires from many different locations, weaving them across the front of the stage to form some kind of giant net. Zim ran passed, and the blob monster crashed into the wires. It thrashed around and became entangled.

"Wew! That was a close one!" Zim exclaimed rubbing his forehead.

"It won't hold for long," Prisoner 777 informed him. "So I guess you guys better get building."

"Yeah, that's fascinating," Zim remarked ignoring the Vortian already.

A nice long coffee break and a few hours of chaos later…

"Who would have thought a simple spoon would have defeated that horrible blob monster!" Zim said grinning. He wasn't upset that his creation had been so easily destroyed, actually he was kind of upset that he had constructed a battle-robot only to have forgotten to install the weapons, but at least he didn't have to run around screaming anymore.

"You should have!" Lard Nar snapped glaring at the Irken. "It was your creation."

"The spoon wasn't technically a robot though," Miyuki stated gesturing at the object which was now in Gir's mouth. There were blob monster guts all over the stage, walls, floor, and ceiling, and the disgusting SIR unit seemed to enjoy eating them with the spoon he had. "But then again, most of you didn't even finish your robots."

"Hey, it usually takes months to construct these things," Red remarked folding his arms and lowering his antennae.

"Then how did Zim and Dib get theirs done so fast hm?"

"Well, when you constantly have to fight an annoying alien invader, you learn how to do things quickly," Dib explained from his seat on top of his robot; it was a large metal platform with two metal legs. It functioned enough to move, but that was about it. Like Zim's robot, it also didn't have any weapons or high-tech components.

"That wouldn't do anything Dib-Worm," Zim said with a laugh.

Dib ignored him and jumped down from his robot. It started to move, much to the boy's surprise, and it crashed into Zim's battle-bot. The two robots fought each other in a large epic battle which ended when they both broke apart and fell into pieces.

"How'd they do that?" Shloonktapooxis asked from behind the judge's table. As soon as everyone had seen the robots start moving, they had all piled behind the desk which seemed to be the only thing that could survive horrible explosions and crazy blob monsters.

"Technically what we just witnessed was impossible," Professor Membrane stated. "Then again, so is everything else that's happened so far."

KABOOM!

The scrap pieces of robot burst into flames and exploded.

**More Notes: **This is where I was going to start listing who each character was and which episode they belong to, but I decided not to do that after all. I already look like a total Invader Zim nerd, no need to make myself look any worse.


	6. Bringing Back the Audience

**Author's notes: **Now that I quit my job you would think I'd have more time for uploading fanfics and stuff, and I do. However, this doesn't seem to be helping me update any faster. If only I was motivated! Well my computer crashed a few days ago and it did try to wipe everything off the hard drive, unfinished fanfics included, so I am currently motivated. Maybe there will be more updates now? Maybe?

Disclaimer: I do not own Invader Zim or any of the original characters from the cartoon.

* * *

**Getting the Audience Back**

"Do you have any sixes?" Purple asked.

"Go fish," Dib said.

"You're lying!" Zim hollered.

"Stop saying that!" Dib snapped irritably at him. "You're wrecking the game!"

"Then where are these "fish" you speak of Dib-monster? Hmm!?"

"I'm not explaining this to you again!"

All of the contestants were sitting in a circle on the stage splaying a game of 'Go Fish' while Miyuki went to collect the audience members from the abyss outside. Gir had spat out these cards, and Dib had offered to teach the aliens a card game.

Lard Nar was winning this round by a lot, though the Vortian didn't seem to have very much interest in playing anymore. He kept looking around the room in boredom.

Prisoner 777 had disappeared behind the stage just before the terrible fire broke out, claiming that he had to rescue the other judges from a closet. Apparently Dwicky had hidden himself in the closet when the blob monster appeared, and Tak had tried to get him out. No one is exactly sure how, but Tak ended up getting stuck in the closet with Dwicky somehow…

"Hey, that SIR hasn't moved in a while," Red noted, his eyes fixated on the small robot that had gone into sleep mode some time ago.

"That's normal," Zim replied. "He usually does that after eating too many filthy human tacos."

"Well at least we won't have to worry about any explosions from him for a while," Purple remarked.

Red leaned over to his fellow Tallest. "Too bad we can't say the same thing about a certain someone else."

"Zim?"

"Actually I was talking about former Tallest Miyuki."

Squish.

The Irken contestants' antennae sprung up when they heard a strange squishing sound.

"What the heck is that?" Purple asked.

Shloonktapooxis turned left then right before looking up at the ceiling. "Um… I think I see the problem."

Swiiiish. Splooch!

Cards flew in the air as everyone (minus Gir) leapt out of the circle. Something had fallen from the ceiling… it kind of looked like…

"That is a corpse!" Professor Membrane stated gesturing at the body dramatically.

"An Irken corpse," Lard Nar added looking kind of grossed out. "I think… I think that's Miyuki's body!"

"I guess the bodies of the Tallests must have been thrown out when the blob monster exploded," Dib reasoned scratching his head.

"No way, then Spork's body would be here too," Purple remarked just before a second Irken body fell from the ceiling and landed on top of him. "Ack!"

"I told you so," the boy said smugly while the purple eyed Tallest fought to free himself from beneath the corpse.

Red burst out laughing much to Purple's annoyance. His fellow Tallest made no move to help him out, so Purple was stuck trying to free himself.

"Who won the last contest anyway?" Shloonktapooxis asked making a face.

"Gir did somehow," Zim replied flicking an antenna.

"Quick, let us remove ourselves from this stage before these corpses somehow come to life," Professor Membrane said raising a finger.

"Better safe than sorry," Shloonktapooxis agreed.

Just before they could all run off somewhere to hide, Miyuki returned with Duxi skipping along happily behind her.

"Sorry guys, but Duxi and I are having a little bit of trouble locating the audience," Miyuki told them. Her eyes narrowed when she noticed that they were all in running away positions. "Ok… what's going on?"

Everyone gestured to the corpses on stage, and Miyuki's antennae lowered and her mouth opened in surprise. Suddenly there was a huge vacuum that pulled her towards her body and she shrieked and held onto a post that was supporting a part of the ceiling. "Nooo! Someone get rid of it! Burn it! Destroy it! I don't care, just do something!"

_Attempting to correct premature deactivation… Spirit detected… attempting to re-establish link with the body…_Miyuki's Pak droned.

"Hang on a second… you mean Irkens can revive themselves…?" Dib questioned baffled.

"Sure we can," Red answered lazily. "Its one of the many benefits of having a Pak."

"Yes that's all very fascinating!" Miyuki called still hanging on to the post for dear life. "Now can I trouble one of you to destroy my Pak please? That would be great. Really."

"Why on Irk would you want us to do that?" Purple questioned having finally freed himself.

"Haven't you boys realized my height yet?" the host asked Red and Purple irritably, and they both shook their heads no.

"I'm taller than you guys, thanks to my freaken long antennae! So if I'm revived, the Control Brains will probably name me Tallest again!"

"Really?" Red asked turning to Purple.

"Come to think of it… she does look a little taller than us Red," the purple-eyed Tallest admitted.

"Wait… that's a bad thing?" Dib asked raising a brow at the host.

"I think that'd be pretty cool," Shloonktapooxis said grinning. "For Miyuki to be the Tallest I mean. She seems nice."

"Thank you floating cone guy, I appreciate the compliments, they boost my self-esteem enough for me to climb out of bed in the morning," the host remarked still clutching tightly to the post which had begun to creak a little. She was being sucked towards her body because her active Pak was being as stubborn as an Irken computer. "But right now I need you two to smash the stupid thing ok? Come on Purple, Red, I gave you guys a motive. Now smash the crap out of it!"

"What!?" Purple exclaimed looking appalled. "I can't do that to you Tallest Miyuki…"

"Why do you want to be stuck as a ghost anyway?" Red questioned her with a similar look on his face.

"I've already been Tallest once you can't make me do it again! It was horrible! Long drawn-out meetings, forced public speeches, stupid lazy workers, power outages, annual tours of everything, overseeing events I don't care for, too many smeets, not enough smeets, Food Courtia falling into debt, military collapse; did you know we had three fleets of untrained soldiers just because some stupid commander thought it would be funny!? And that horrible meteor shower that rained awful pain down upon the planet! It took years to rebuild, and the males! They kept giving me that look, you know, like they were undressing me with their eyes or something… I HATE THAT LOOK!

False broadcasting, Pak malfunctionings, Irk almost collapsing because everyone insisted on remaining on our "home planet" instead of moving to Conventia like I specifically asked them to! Nation-wide sugar abuse, the collapse of importation and later exportation, the introduction of those horrible high-powered laser guns which resulted in mass chaos, those horrible Jackers that tried to steal Conventia, space locusts, not enough drones, too many medical-personnel, and…" she stopped talking and turned her gaze to Red and Purple who were staring at her wordlessly.

"You boys seem to be handling everything just fine, so, bludgeon my Pak with a sharp instrument now please."

The microphone exploded after taking in too much of Miyuki's voice.

"Why didn't you just get a couple of advisors to do everything for you?" Red asked.

"Yeah, that's what we do when we're on the Massive," Purple said.

Miyuki's eyes became shifty. "They always blame the Tallest… Everyone does. You haven't noticed yet because you've been distracting everyone with these invasions, but just you wait… When things settle down everyone will want something or another and you're going to have to deal with it. I had to throw seventeen technicians out of the ship before they finally shut up about not having cool outfits. There will be a horrible uprising! Thousands will perish! Noo I will not have anymore Irken blood on my hands you horrible brain machines!" She gestured angrily at the ceiling as though she were speaking to something.

"Wait…Seventeen!? You had to throw seventeen drones out the airlock? They shut up after just one for us," Purple remarked.

"That's because you guys are warring with everything. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about," the host told them before switching her attention to Lard Nar. "How about you? Do you feel particularly destructive today?"

"Er... No thanks," the leader of the Resisity replied giving her a strange look.

"Fine… Zim?" she questioned hopefully.

"Zim would never kill his Tallest!" the small Irken announced only to receive death glares from Red and Purple and strange looks from everyone else.

The torrent of air sucking the host towards the stage was only affecting the host herself. Everyone else was able to move freely, including her old pal Duxi who had taken a hammer and was about to smash Miyuki's Pak into itty bitty pieces. It was too bad for him that Red noticed and lifted him up by his collar.

"I just had a better idea," Red told her, and Duxi pouted.

Once Spork's and Miyuki's bodies were safely stored in the freezer in the back room, Miyuki finally let go of the post. With a sigh she summoned her microphone to her hand and drifted over to where the audience should have been. "Well… I guess we're not going to have an audience today."

"That's ok, we've got cameras," Duxi remarked pointing up at the devices hovering around the stage.

"Where did those come from?" Lard Nar asked looking at the one closest to him.

"Oh, they've always been here," Duxi replied smiling happily. "You just couldn't see them until now."

"Why not?" Dib questioned, and the small white Vortian blinked.

"I dunno. Magic?"

Miyuki's eyes widened when she saw an extremely large button sitting in the center of the floor. She approached it cautiously and tapped it with her finger. Nothing. There were words printed around the button which read: "audience returning device." She pushed on it. Still nothing. She pushed down harder. No reaction. She climbed on top of it and started jumping up and down. There was still no reaction.

"Guys, I'm going to need some help," she called to the contestants, waving for them to come.

Dib and Shloonktapooxis wander over to help. The boy made sure to read the words written around the overly large button before climbing onto it. Shloonktapooxis didn't care. He just followed along.

"Ok, let's try this," Miyuki said readying herself to jump. "One, two, three!"

The three of them landed at the same time, but the button didn't move.

"Err… more help?"

Professor Membrane sighed as he too joined them on top of the button, and even Purple decided to give it a shot. They all jumped and landed. Nothing.

"It's stuck…" Miyuki noted. "We need more people. Lard Nar, Red, Zim, you three get up here!"

"Eugh?" Zim made a face at her. "Why should Zim do that?"

"Because we need to start the contest soon, and to do that we need our audience back," she explained, and Zim relented and went to join the others. Lard Nar and Red gradually made their way up there. On Miyuki's count, everyone jumped and hit the button when they came down. Nope. The stupid thing still refused to budge.

"Stupid doomy button…" Zim grumbled. "What's it stuck with? Some kind of super paste?"

"Duxi!" The host called to her helper who was busy munching on a banana. "Go get the judges and tell them we need them."

With the fruit still in his mouth, Duxi saluted and quickly ran off to find the judges.

They emerged from the back room and stared at everyone trying to remain balanced on the button.

"Where have you guys been!?" Miyuki demanded and Dwicky scratched the back of his head and lowered his eyes guiltily.

"That stupid human got himself trapped in the closet," Tak said lowering her antennae as she shot the man a wicked glare. "He begged me to help him. You should have told us that closet was alive."

Zim laughed. "Ha ha! You fools got trapped in a closet! That sure was foolish. Yup. Foolish."

Duxi marched onto the stage with his mop in hand. He seemed rather proud of himself.

"I thought 777 was going to help you guys out of there," Miyuki remarked sounding disinterested.

"He got stuck too," Tak replied narrowing her eyes at the host; her antennae twitching as she listened to Zim's taunts.

"Ok, whatever," Miyuki said gesturing for the judges to come. "All of you help us move this stupid button so we can get the audience back."

"I am going to fall soon!" Professor Membrane stated this fact in a vociferous manner.

"So am I…" Purple remarked clinging to Red.

"I don't think we can fit any more people on here," Dib noted.

"Nonsense," Miyuki said waving away the boy's words. "There's plenty of room left. You shorter people just need to sit on someone's shoulders that's all."

"I'm not going up there," Tak remarked as she folded her arms across her chest stubbornly. "You all look like idiots."

"No way," Red said sarcastically. "You think so?"

"Don't make me sick Duxi on you," Miyuki warned them. Prisoner 777 sighed and slowly made his way over to the button. The host extended her hand to him, and he took it. She boosted him onto her shoulders before turning to Tak and Dwicky who hadn't budged an inch.

"Alright. You asked for it…Duxi, mop attack!

The white Vortian brandished his mop, and Tak got into her battle pose as she stared down the strange energy being. He swung the object at her head; she ducked under it and leapt forward in order to tackle him, but he brought the mop back which caused her to dodge to the side instead.

"Stop making a scene already and get up here," Red snapped.

"Yeah, hurry before we lose our balance on this thing and fall," Purple added tightening his grip on Red as one of his feet threatened to slide out from under him.

"Yes my Tallest…" Tak grumbled letting her arms fall to her side.

Dwicky and Tak joined the group on button which forced both Dib and Shloonktaapooxis to climb onto Professor Membrane so there would be enough room for them all. Now with everyone on top of the button, the combined weight pushed it down. No one had time to get out of the way as the audience, chairs included, fell onto the contestants, crushing them into the floor.

Someone needed to rethink the location of the audience return button.

It took Duxi three hours to free everyone from under the audience, and by this time Gir had awakened from his nap. The robot squealed and ran around the stage as he looked for his 'piggy friends.'

The judges returned to their table, and the contestants lined up on stage. Miyuki found her microphone inside Gir's head, and she pulled it out and turned to the audience as she began speaking.

"Sorry about the whole getting hurdled into the abyss thing," she said rubbing the back of her head sheepishly. "But I'm happy to inform you that we can now get back on track and begin the contests once again!"

Everyone in the audience stared wordlessly at the host, except for Gaz who was still playing her GameSlave 2. One person clapped a little, but other than that there was no response.

"It looks like we're going to have to make it up to them somehow…" Miyuki whispered to Duxi. The Vortian look alike covered his mouth and started giggling.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked.

"I've got a really awesome idea!" Duxi replied.

"This doesn't have anything to do with anime does it? Because if it does… I'm going to grab the contest from the hat… and then smite you with an extinguisher."

"No no, it's good, I swear."

"What are you two speaking about!?" Zim demanded pointing an accusing finger at the host and her helper.

"SWIMSUIT CONTEST!" Duxi blurted. Miyuki's first instinct was to hit him, but she stopped and thought about it for a moment.

"Yay I get to be like Bay Watch!" Gir cheered.

Purple turned to Red who had suddenly burst out laughing.

"Uhh… Red, what's a swimsuit…?" he asked the red eyed Tallest who was too busy laughing to answer. Everyone else just stared at the host. She wasn't really considering this idea, was she…?

"But they're all guys. That won't be any fun," Miyuki told her helper. She gaped and nearly fell over when she saw that Duxi, who was still male, had suddenly changed into a bikini. He ran around Miyuki then leapt onto the stage.

Young energy creatures really had no shame…

"Guys in bikinis! Woot!" he shouted.

"Noooo!" Dib shouted completely horrified.

"What kind of disguise is this!?" Zim questioned pointing at Duxi's bikini.

"Eeek! Pervert!" Duxi exclaimed smacking Zim with a large mallet that had suddenly appeared from nowhere.

"No anime Duxi!" Miyuki snapped, and the mallet vanished. Duxi pouted a little.

"Jeez Zim, Purple, both of you need to get out more," Red remarked between fits of giggles. "Bikinis are something females wear to… haa haaa! Go swimming and stuff! Pfft hee hee…"

"You realize that if the judges agree to this, you're going to have to wear a bikini too Red," Miyuki told him raising an invisible brow.

"HAAA HAAA HAA!" Red buckled over laughing.

"Ok… one Tallest is broken," Miyuki remarked staring at him. "I guess the shock was too much for him."

"Oh gods…" Lard Nar murmured clutching his head.

"I'm not wearing a bikini!" Dib shouted. "No amount of points could make me do something like that!"

"What's wrong Dib-stink?" Zim questioned with a twisted smile. "Scared you'll lose?"

"What?" he questioned staring disbelievingly at his rival. "You can't be serious Zim. Those are girl clothes!"

"I wanna do iiiit!" Gir shouted racing around the stage. Its voice went from extremely high to extremely low. "I wanna dooo iiit!"

"I haven't worn a swimsuit in ages…" Membrane said, and suddenly Dib screamed and bolted off the stage. No one should ever be given a situation where they could potentially picture their father in a bikini.

Gaz kept her eyes fixated on her game as she grumbled to herself.

"And the judges say…?" Miyuki questioned eyeing the three.

"Uhh… sure why not?" Prisoner 777 said. Tak flexed her claws; she looked like she was about to murder someone.

"Actually, I think it might be good for their self-esteem," Dwicky admitted and Tak punched him hard in the face.

"I think this is a horrible idea," the female Irken growled as she sat back in her chair. "But it looks like I've been out voted."

* * *

**Author's notes: **How are the judges and host going to get ALL of the contestants to participate without a fuss? How!? You'll find out next chapter.

By the way, a part of this chapter and the last chapter was based on the unfinished episode 'the Trial.' The bodies of Spork and Miyuki will make more sense if you've read the script for it.


	7. Stop With the Inturruptions!

Author's notes: Well ha... it's been a few years hasn't it? To be honest, I wasn't sure if I would ever rewrite this one. Out of all of my fics, this was the one I wanted to write the least. Now look at it, getting all updated and what not. It gives me hope that I might one day be motivated to update the Irken Matrix and Shaping the Future again too.

Ha ha... one step at a time. I'm not even going to take this fic off of its hiatus quite yet.

I own no characters except for Duxi... and his race doesn't even really have an official name, just "energies of the universe."

**Stop with the Interruptions!**

"Alright, now before we start I just wanted to let everyone know that the swimsuit contest has been changed into a costume contest," Miyuki read off her cue card. She spoke loudly into the microphone and glanced over at the change room door where the contestants had barricaded themselves inside.

"It's much much better than a bikini contest!"she spoke loudly, hoping to entice them out.

She waited to hear any kind of response from them, but when a few moments of silence past she breathed a sigh and threw the cue card over her shoulder. "This isn't working!"

"I told you having locks on the inside was a dumb idea!" Duxi remarked. He approached the door with a big needle looking thing and began picking the lock.

Miyuki ran a hand down her face. "That's where the locks are usually supposed to go," she informed him. "How was I supposed to know they were going to barricade themselves in there?"

"I got it loose," Duxi announced cheerfully. The knob fell off, and he gave the door a push. It wouldn't budge. "I think they're holding the door shut... Oh drat."

"Hey, what's going on?" Red asked as he drifted down the hall.

They were behind the stage, so no one in the audience could see what was going on.

Miyuki stared at him. Then she pointed a finger at his face. "I thought you were in there," she gestured to the change room door.

"Uh no," Red replied, giving her a strange look. "I've been out here the whole time."

"Ah, I could sure go for another cup of coffee," Professor Membrane spoke. He had come from the stage area.

"And you..." Miyuki's antennae flattened. "What's going on here?"

"I was just giving some of the horribly misshapen audience members, and the normal looking ones, a speech about the wonders of science!" Professor Membrane announced in triumph.

A rather dizzy looking Dib and Zim stumbled after the Professor.

"Your parental unit is insane," Zim hissed.

"That means nothing coming from you Zim..." Dib muttered, clutching his head.

"I also did an experiment involving the laws of motion and quantum physics using a catapult!" the Professor remarked.

Before she had time to think about where the Professor could have gotten a catapult from, Lard Nar stepped out of one of the random empty rooms lining the hallway. "Did I miss anything?" he asked.

"What were you doing?" Miyuki demanded pointing dramatically at him.

Lard Nar stared at her for a moment. "I was taking a nap... Why?"

"Then who the heck is in the change room?" Miyuki questioned throwing up her hands in exasperation.

"You know... death really didn't do good things for her..." Red whispered, expecting Purple to be standing by his side, but he wasn't. "Where's Purple?"

"Oh my gosh! I got lost in the audience!" Shloontapooxis announced as he floated out from in front of the red curtain.

Everyone turned to look at him, wondering how someone could possibly get lost in the audience but not really wanting to ask.

"That just leave Gir and Purple," Miyuki noted, sounding much calmer now than she had a second ago.

As if on cue, a shrill giggle came from under their feet.

"Gir! Get out from under the floor boards!" Zim shouted.

"Aww! But there's a mouse in here!" Gir exclaimed. "I wanna have tea with it!

"Do not question me Gir!" Zim insisted angrily.

The little robot burst out of the floorboards; it's glowing red eyes locked on Zim as it landed. "Yes my lord!" He saluted before his eyes changed back to blue. "What was I doin?" Then without warning Gir used his rockets and blasted up into the ceiling.

Everyone stared at the small robot who had managed to lodge himself in the ceiling tiles. Little bits of debris sprinkled down. Duxi let out a shriek. "My eyes!" And ran towards the stage. "Ahh!"

"Ok..." Miyuki spoke as she ran her hand through her antennae. "Red and Membrane, I want you to break down the door to the change room."

"What? Why?" Red asked.

"Because I told you to."

"And you think I'm going to listen because...?"

"One, you have no choice, two, you have no choice, and the third thing-"

"Let me guess, no choice?" Red questioned flatly, letting his antennae fall.

"You and the Professor have the best chance of knocking the door down," Miyuki replied as a matter of fact.

"Sure! I'm up for it," Professor Membrane remarked, rolling up his sleeves.

"Eeee!" Gir squealed from the ceiling.

"The rest of you can work on getting the robot unstuck," Miyuki instructed.

"Anyone got a ladder?" Shloontapooxis asked, blinking up at the SIR.

"Why do we have to get Zim's stupid robot unstuck?" Dib questioned, shooting an angry look at his Irken foe.

"Eh, he'll come down eventually," Zim replied in a nonchalant manner.

While the contestants were hopefully working on their respective tasks, Miyuki left to find the judges. Prisoner 777 was slumped in his chair, out cold. Tak was grabbing some snacks from the audience's concession stand which was being operated by Gashloog, and Dwicky was having a conversation with some Plookesians he seemed to know.

Duxi was busy entertaining the audience with spinning plates and juggling pots of water.

"What happened to him," she asked the audience, gesturing to Prisoner 777.

"During the human's little show thing, he kept saying "it's all wrong" and then he fainted," Invader Larb replied.

"I see," she snatched a jug of water from Duxi.

"Hey!"

SPLASH

"Wahh!" Prisoner 777 fell off his chair when he was doused by water.

"Break's over people, get over here," Miyuki insisted, gesturing to the judge's table. She tossed the jug aside and waited impatiently for the judges to gather. "Now give me the name of a location. It will be the theme for the costume contest."

"Uhh..." Dwicky blinked. "School?"

"A lab?" Prisoner 777 offered.

"Stop being predictable!" Miyuki insisted.

"Sorry," both judges responded.

"Tak, pick a place."

"The beach," she stated.

"What? Why?" Miyuki asked. "I thought you were against the swimsuit idea! Did Duxi talk you into doing this? He did didn't he? Do you really want to inflict those kind of mental scars on all of those helpless aliens in the audience?" She gestured towards everyone watching.

"When you put it that way, then yes," Tak answered.

"Ugh. Fine."

BANG! CRASH!

Miyuki hurriedly returned to the change room door and found it partially open. She looked up and noted the hole in the ceiling where Gir had been stuck. No one was in the hallway.

The door creaked eerily as she approached. Then suddenly a long black hand shot out of the change room and pulled her inside.

"What the heck is going on!" she questioned loudly. The door slammed shut, leaving her in the black void.

"Gimme nachos! Nachoos!" Gir happily sang.

"Silence Gir! You horrible minion!" Zim shouted. After a few seconds of quiet he said. "That's better!"

"Yay! I like me some crazy!"

"Gir!"

"Why does this even happen?" Dib asked.

"Actually, now that I've had some time to think about it, I think we might have accidentally crossed into another dimension," Miyuki spoke.

"The scientific probability of that happening," Professor Membrane began.

"The probability doesn't matter if it's already happened!" Red snapped.

"I'm just happy I'm not alone in here anymore," Purple admitted.

"How long have you been in here anyway?"

"Hey, that hand thing grabbed me and dragged me in here!" Purple remarked. "It's not like I meant to end up in this room or whatever."

"I asked you how long you've been in here," Red told him. "Not how you got in here. I know how we all got here."

"So... how are we going to get out?" Shloonktapooxis questioned.

"We gotta swim like the fishes!" Gir exclaimed. "EEe!"

"There's no ground is there?" Lard Nar asked.

"Yeah. I don't feel any," Dwicky remarked.

Everyone paused, surprised to hear the judge's voice.

"What are you doing in here?" Miyuki demanded irritably.

"I thought this was the bathroom."

"Well that's a bit disturbing," Dib said flatly.

"And awkward," Purple commented.

"Ok everyone... I'll get us out of this," Miyuki said as she tried moving through the darkness. She bumped into something and began to feel it.

"That's my face," Dib told her.

Miyuki instantly recoiled. "Oh jeez, sorry kid. I thought you might be an escape hatch."

"This is simple," Zim remarked, sounding confident. "We just need to remember which direction the door was in."

"Yeah sure uh huh," Purple said. "Anyone remember where the door is?"

"Nope."

"Nuh uh."

"You're joking right?"

"I found a rope!" Professor Membrane stated vociferously. "Woe!"

"Dad?" Dib called through the darkness.

"Maybe something ate him," Zim suggested, cackling.

"I found me some rope!" Gir said loudly. "Weeee!"

"What happened to that little robot fella?" Shloonktapooxis asked. "He was floating beside me a second ago."

"Ok everyone, don't panic," Miyuki said holding her hands up in front of her. "I'm pretty sure they haven't been eaten by something horrible."

"What?" everyone but Zim blurted.

"You never said there was a chance that something horrible could eat us!" Shloonktapooxis cried.

"I thought Zim was joking when he said he thought something ate the human..." Red muttered.

"Hey, there really is a rope," Lard Nar mentioned. "Ah!"

"Um... captain?" Shloonktapooxis questioned.

"Great," Red huffed. "We're all going to die."

"Oh please, like a rope is going to doom us all," Miyuki remarked chuckling nervously. At this point, she didn't doubt there could be a monster made entirely out of rope that could wipe them all out.

"You mean this rope?" Dwicky asked. "Wahh!"

"It got another one!" Dib exclaimed.

"A rope!" Zim shouted. "What kind of horrible killing thing is this!"

"Woe!"

"Yikes!"

"AH!"

One by one everyone was pulled out of the darkness.

When Miyuki emerged, she fell on the wooden floor at Duxi's feet. The Vortian imposter was humming cheerfully as he 'fished' for the remaining contestants with a piece of rope Prisoner 777 fashioned out of strips of the red curtain tightly braided together.

"The abyss is leaking through," Duxi explained happily.

She quickly scrambled to her feet and searched for her microphone. When she wasn't able to find it anywhere, she summoned a new one to her hand. Then she turned her attention to the contestants; all of them were standing in the hallway looking dazed and confused, minus Dib and Shloonktapooxis who hadn't been fished out of the abyss yet.

"We've already wasted too much time!" she announced at racks of clothing dropped down from the ceiling. "The theme is beach wear. No you don't have to wear bikinis. Actually, please avoid doing that. Now find something, wear it, and get out onto the stage!"

Fun fact: Before I rewrote this, Tallest Purple had barricaded himself inside the change room, and there was no abyss leakage. It was kind of hinted that Purple might have been hiding out in the change-room this time as well, but he'll never admit it.

The rest of the original chapter forever be a mystery. Stupid computer virus. I'll keep posting fun-facts when I spontaneously remember something.


	8. Costume Contest Go

"I know Irkens wear their uniforms everywhere!" Miyuki stated. "I am... was an Irken myself."

She was beginning to get annoyed. Zim had been arguing with her for the past half hour.

"Yes! And you told us to wear something for this beach place. Zim is wearing something for it!"

"If you do this I'll give you food! What more do you want?"

"A photon-mega blaster!" He paused for a second.

"I think it's called a mega-photon blaster," Miyuki remarked, crossing her arms. "And what, may I ask, would you use that for?"

"It would be for melting the brain meats of those pitiful hyumans!"

Miyuki massaged her temples and breathed a sigh. Duxi couldn't keep the audience entertained forever. They needed to start the contest. "I'm not giving you anything that could cause fires or explosions!" she insisted stubbornly. "Now get dressed into something moderately embarrassing so we can get this over with and have lunch!"

"Ha! You and your lunch!"

"I'm done talking about this!"

"Zim!" Red spoke in an authoritative voice. He was wearing a pair of red swim trunks, sunglasses, and brown sandles. He was carrying a surf board under his arm. "I order you to do as your told."

"Yeah," Purple agreed. He was dressed in a purple Hawaiian shirt, shorts, and black sandles. "We're doing this for the donuts."

"Donuts!" Gir happily shrieked, bobbing his head in agreement. The Tallest stared at the small robot who was dressed in a pink bikini. "I feel pretty!" Gir announced before running down the hallway towards the stage.

"He's the only one who chose that right?" Miyuki asked; her voice waning. "Please tell me he's the only one who chose that..."

"But my Tallest," Zim tried to argue.

Red frowned as he glared down at the much shorter Irken. "You're not questioning your Tallest are you Zim?"

"No! Zim would never question you," the would be invader responded. "But just think of the doom I could rain down on the squishy heads of those filthy dirt..."

"Ugh. Now he's arguing with us," Purple remarked as he folded his arms over his chest.

"I'm not arguing!" Zim immediately argued.

Red groaned and ran a hand down his face. "Then go find something and wear it already."

"Yes my Tallest! I will find something to wear, and it will be the most amazing costume thing ever!"

The two of them watched Zim leave. Red shook his head while Purple muttered something under his breath.

"I remember those days," Miyuki remarked. She was still holding her microphone in her hand, but it wasn't turned on. There was no need for it since she wasn't announcing anything.

Both Tallests decided to head out onto the stage at that point since it would probably grant them an extra few seconds away from Zim.

Lard Nar was already out there reading a magazine Dwicky was lending him. He was wearing a pair of blue shorts, and he had traded in his over-sized green goggles for a smaller pair of green goggles.

Shloonktapooxis was wearing a yellow shower-cap... that was it. There wasn't much he could wear since he had no arms or legs. Gir was dancing in his bikini and singing.

"Bay Watch Bay Watch I get to be like Bay Watch!"

Duxi was completely worn out from having entertained the audience for a good solid hour and had melted into a muddle of goo that Gir occasionally stepped on. Tak was sitting in her chair looking irritated while Prisoner 777 was happily drawing up a new diagram for something Miyuki probably wouldn't want built.

Many of the audience members were zoned out or asleep in their chairs. A few of the more rowdy ones had tried blasting their way out through the walls only to be stopped by the Tallest's (former) secret service. Invader Larb, Spleen, and Sneakyonfoota had all been tied to their seats and gagged. Their blasters had also been confiscated.

A square shaped alien had been doomed by Gaz simply because his voice annoyed her. There were scorch marks where the poor guy had been seated, and the other person sitting beside her had moved down a few chairs.

"Duxi! Fix yourself!" Miyuki insisted as she walked onto the stage. Dib and Professor Membrane followed behind her.

Professor Membrane was wearing a typical black scuba-diving outfit, complete with oxygen tank while Dib was wearing a pair of black swim trunks with blue floatation devices around his upper arms.

The energy being rematerialized in his Vortian body and held his head. "Ohh... the juggling..." he whined before melting again.

"Good help is getting harder and harder to find these days," Miyuki grumbled. She came to stand in the middle of the stage, and she brought the microphone to her mouth. "Alright everyone! It's time to wake up! The contest is about to get underway!" Her voice boomed, and everyone who had been dozing shot up in their seats.

"This contest will be determined by the judges. The rules are simple: who ever is determined to have the best "beach wear" wins." She turned to the contestants. "Why aren't you all lined up yet!" she demanded.

Everyone quickly got into place.

"That's better. First up is..." she pulled out a card from her pocket. "Shloontapoosis. Am I saying that right?"

"Actually," the floating cone tried to say, but he was interrupted.

"It doesn't matter," she decided. "Let's get this done so we can have lunch. I'm starving."

"You aren't even alive!" someone in the audience remarked loudly,

Miyuki's antennae fell back. "Then I think I'm starving."

"Me too!" Gir cheered. The small robot was having a hard time standing in one place. It kept moving around.

"That doesn't make any sense," Dib commented.

"I don't think anything in this place will ever make sense," Lard Nar spoke.

"Alright. Go Shlootavio," Miyuki insisted, waving him along.

Prisoner 777 took one last look at his diagram before folding it up and putting it in his pocket. Tak glanced up idly with an unamused expression on her face, and Dwicky sat down after taking a long trip to the bathroom.

Shloonktapooxis drifted in front of the judges.

"Out of ten?" "Prisoner 777 questioned. "I guess a five."

"Zero," Tak muttered, crossing her arms.

"Gee... I guess a four?" Dwicky said.

Shloonktapooxis floated back into the line.

"Dib," Miyuki called.

The boy stepped forward.

"A six," Prisoner 777 said.

"Zero," Tak stated, slouching in her chair.

"Ten," Dwicky spoke, giving Dib the thumbs up.

Dib gave his former school counsellor a weirded-out look before returning to his place in the line.

"Okaay..." Yeah. That wasn't creepy at all.

"Membrane," Miyuki said, ignoring the suspicious look Dib was giving Dwicky.

The Professor came forward; everyone could hear him breathing. He was really using the oxygen tank for some reason.

"Wow..." Prisoner 777 commented. "I don't know what that is, but it looks pretty neat. I'll give you an eight."

"Zero," Tak droned.

"Are you going to give everyone a zero?" Miyuki questioned the Irken judge.

"None of their costumes have been very impressive," Tak replied shrugging.

"I'd say a seven," Dwicky said.

"Fine..." Miyuki spoke. "Gir, you go."

"Yay!" The little robot jumped up and landed in front of the judges. "Judge me like cheese!"

"Uh... hm... four?" Prisoner 777 responded, looking rather unsure.

"Zero," Tak stated, glancing away.

"Ha ha, robots are awesome," Dwicky remarked. "Eight."

"Woo!" Gir leaped back into his place. "I'm gunna dance now!" He proceeded to do a strange variation of the chacha.

Then Zim, in a horribly grotesque mis-matched robotic suit made up of several different costumes, approached the line. His suit thing groaned as it dragged it's self along.

"What is that!" Purple asked, pointing at Zim's strange creation.

"I don't know..." Red stared. "But I can tell it's going to be a disaster."

"Yeah, no kidding."

"We should probably get out of here before something explodes."

"Right."

"No one is going to be practising any self-preservation during this contest..." Miyuki warned them as she loomed eerily over the contestants. "Got it?"

Gir who had been about to runaway froze. "Aw! I wanted to run!"

"Why not?" Purple asked.

"Because I said so," Miyuki answered. "Do you really need another reason?" She eyed the Irkens and the Vortians in the audience who were slowly creeping towards the back wall. "Get back in your seats people!"

Duxi reformed himself and popped up from the floor, only to get completely run over by Zim's horrible grotesque creation. "The pain," he muttered.

"What do you think you're doing Zim?" Red questioned. His antennae flattened when the horrible looking mechanical thing hissed and screeched.

"This is my costume thing or whatever," Zim explained.

"Why couldn't you just wear something like any normal person would?" Lard Nar asked, breathing a sigh.

"Because he's not normal," Dib responded.

"Even the human thinks you're weird Zim," Red notified the would be invader as he ran a hand down his face.

"Yes, I am amazing," Zim agreed.

"Ok...judges?" Miyuki said, turning to the three judges. Dwicky and Prisoner 777 were gawking at the strange looking costume machine thing. Tak was resting her elbow on the desk and leaning against her hand, looking bored.

"Uhh... three..." Prisoner 777 spoke.

"Negative ten," Tak remarked.

"Four..." Dwicky replied.

"Good good," Miyuki checked the watch that appeared on her wrist. "We're making good time too."

"Huuuhh huuuhhh..."

Krthunk.

Professor Membrane suddenly collapsed. It sounded like his air tank was empty.

"Dad, if you run out of air, you should take off the mask..." Dib told his father, but the professor was already unconscious.

"Just ignore him," Myuki instructed.

"Uhh... shouldn't we take the breathing thing off?" Shloonktapooxis questioned.

"He'll be fine," Miyuki said dismissively. "Next."

Lard Nar stepped forward, eyeing Zim's machine warily.

"Six," Prisoner 777 remarked.

"Zero," Tak stated, yawning.

"Uh... six," Dwicky responded.

Lard Nar stepped back. Then the ugly costume monster looking thing groaned.

"What are you doing in there?" Red asked as he stepped forward. He frowned at Zim's machine.

"Oh nothing," Zim replied. The large device shifted and squealed.

"Zim..." one of Red's antennae twitched in irritation.

"One of the levers is stuck, so I'm unsticking it," Zim explained.

"Don't, just don't touch anything," Purple insisted.

"Alright... everyone needs to stop gawking at the machine," Miyuki told the contestants and the judges. "Let's continue this so we can go for lunch."

"Seven," Prisoner 777 spoke, resting his head down on the table. He must have been telling the truth when he said he wasn't biased.

"Since you are my Tallest, I'm obligated to give you more than a zero," Tak admitted, though she still looked pretty bored. "Six."

"Cool. Six and a half," Dwicky said.

Red walked back into the line, and Purple stepped up.

"Six," Prisoner 777 decided after looking up briefly.

"Five," Tak replied.

"Hawaii style is pretty cool," Dwicky remarked. "Seven."

"Awesome! Red won," Miyuki tossed whatever she was holding into the air. "Let's go eat food."

Screeeeeech...

The machine shifted and then suddenly lashed out. The contestants went flying in all directions as Zim's creation went berserk. Duxi charged it with a mop which shifted into a sword, but he was easily knocked aside.

Then the costume mechanical monster thing ejected Zim who smacked into the ceiling and lit the stage on fire with it's flame throwers. A few seconds later, it exploded.

"My stage!" Miyuki lamented. She along with the judges were taking shelter behind the judge's table.

"Why did you put flame throwers in it!" Red demanded as he slowly sat up and glared up at Zim who was stuck in the ceiling. Zim didn't answer because he was unconscious.

"Duxi!" Miyuki shouted.

The Vortian poser wandered over to her dazed.

"Clean up this mess."

He slowly saluted her before wobbling over to where his mop at been thrown.

Tallest Miyuki's bio: She was swallowed by the energy absorbing blob monster, but that doesn't bother her as much as being Tallest seems to. While everyone remembers Tallest Miyuki as being a good ruler, she remembers her position less fondly and never wishes to return to that kind of lifestyle again. Unreasonable, loud, and easily irritated, she volunteered to host the contest probably due to boredom. Her comrade Spork makes up the majority of the floor though she rarely mentions him.

Duxi's bio: the hyperactive fun-loving energy thing. If he didn't take the time to make a body for himself, he would look like a floating sphere of light. At first he wanted to impersonate Tallest Spork, but this creeped Miyuki out. He was forced to change his appearance into something that wouldn't give her flashbacks, so he decided on his Vortian form. Miyuki is usually angry at him for something. Random, weird, and not the most responsible helper.


	9. Questions

**Author's notes: **Welcome back for another round of... LOTU! I own none of the characters, the show, or anything like that... Duxi is my own character, but he hardly counts. Thanks for the reviews. I'll continue to post or not post regardless. If you have any questions or concerns, feel free to comment. In the meanwhile, I'll try not to melt your brains or burn your eyeballs with this strangeness I'm writing.

Please let me know if one or the other does occur. I'll try to fix things. Maybe.

* * *

**Questions**

Miyuki stared at Duxi. "Let me get this straight... you're saying there are hundreds of fanfics out there that has them," she pointed at the two Tallest. "Telling Zim the "truth" about his mission, and then Zim gets angsty or whatever, sometimes dooms the Irken race-"

"He's doing that already..." Red grumbled, crossing his arms.

"Or he ends up taking over the Earth-"

"Ha. That'd be funny," Purple remarked, digging into a bag of popcorn.

Duxi shrugged his shoulders. "Well yeah," he was sitting in a computer chair at the judge's table, scrolling through the sea of fanfiction on his laptop. "The Tallests are usually super evil in those ones. Like you're hoping they die at some point."

"Well they are blowing up planets for fun, so it's not that much of a stretch to imagine they do other terrible things," Miyuki reasoned.

"I wouldn't say we're evil," Purple commented. "Self-centred and uncaring yes, but not evil."

"Don't forget violent, greedy and gluttonous!" a random alien in the audience shouted.

Red glowered in the direction the voice came from. "Which planet are you from?" he asked, sounding rather intimidating.

"Yeeeup, Zim usually ends up being the hero in those fics," Duxi shrugged.

Miyuki squinted an eye. "Really? You mean people actually want to feel sorry for Zim?"

"That kind of seems to be an ongoing theme," Duxi remarked. He glanced at her for a second before returning his attention to the screen. "I love fanfics!"

"Look, Zim has been banished and/or reassigned multiple times," Red remarked, rubbing his temples. He breathed a sigh. "Even under Miyuki's rule, he was sent away from Irk because of the damage he caused."

"Yeah... thanks for that..." Lard Nar muttered, eyeing Miyuki. A small group of Vortians in the audience began murmuring to each other. The fact that Zim had been sent to one of their labs and caused so much collateral damage wasn't something they remembered with much fondness.

Then the Irkens took offence at her death... things hadn't really gone in the right direction since.

"Oh come on," Miyuki said, holding up her hands in mock-defence. "You guys would have done the same thing in my situation."

One of Red's antennae flicked back in minor annoyance. "If he wasn't smart enough to understand he was being punished then, why do people think he'll suddenly have this amazing epiphany and actually realize that we've been trying to get rid of him for the past however many years?"

"Yeah, that would be the day," Purple agreed. "We've already told him several times that his mission to Earth was fake."

_The first time._

"Yes yes, that's nice Zim," Red responded absently, waving the would be invader away. Hopefully the transmission would end soon.

"By the way Zim, you're a disgrace to Irk and you're not an invader," Purple stated from off screen.

"Purple!" Red snapped, turning to his co-Tallest. "I thought we were going to tell him that together."

"Oh yeah. Sorry, it just kind of slipped out."

Zim laughed. "That's a very funny joke my Tallest! To say I'm a disgrace when you're obviously impressed by my awesome Zimness!" The small Irken grinned evilly. "There are insects of doom I need to feed. Soon they will be craving human fleshh! I'll call you back in a minute!"

The screen went black.

Red blinked. "Well... that didn't go well."

"And he's calling us again..." Purple remarked unhappily.

_The second time._

"Ugh... it's Zim calling again..." Red said as he sunk in his chair. He folded his arms over his chest and flattened his antennae against his head. "When is it going to end?"

"We should blow up the planet with Zim on it," Purple suggested as he sat down in his chair. He was holding a bag of chips and a large soda.

"Yeah, we could try that..." Red mused, rubbing his chin. "Alright, we might as well get this over with..." he told Purple before regarding the communication technician. "Answer it."

"Greetings my Tallest," Zim said as soon as his face appeared on the screen.

"Look Zim, we're kind of busy doing... uh..." Red's eyes quickly scanned the room. "Important things."

"Of course you are my Tallest! You are talking to me, Zim!"

Purple leaned towards Red. "Should we tell him now?" He whispered.

"Alright," Red agreed. He sat up straighter in his chair. "Listen Zim. We've been meaning to tell you for a while now, in a very direct way, that you are not an invader."

"That's ridiculous my Tallest! Of course I'm an invader! I am Zim!"

Red frowned. "Stop talking and listen! Purple and I gave you a fake mission."

Zim blinked.

"You weren't meant to invade Earth. You were meant to die in a black hole or a supernova somewhere in space."

"Yeah," Purple agreed, nodding. "We lied so you wouldn't mess up Operation Impending Doom Two!"

"Now stop calling us! We don't care. We've never cared about you or your stupid mission!"

"We just want you dead," Purple stated.

Zim tilted his head. He looked very confused.

Red was elated. Finally the game would end and he and Purple could oversee the real invaders' missions in peace! Zim would be too crushed to call them ever again!

Then Zim cracked a smile. "Oh I get it! You are both very good actors my Tallest. Even I, Zim, was fooled for a moment. There's no need to worry sirs. I will complete this mission no matter what. There is no need to test my determination because I am determined! The Earth will be crushed under the mighty boot of Zim!"

Red smacked himself in the forehead while Purple choked on his drink.

"Zim... you're missing the whole point," Red tried.

"Now listen to my incredible plan to destroy those pitiful Earth-monsters!" Zim continued, undetoured.

"Oh no! A random attack on the Massive!" Red shouted, motioning for the communications officer to cut the transmission. The screen flicked off, and the crimson eyed Tallest gripped his head and stared up at the ceiling. "Why does this happen?"

"I dunno..." Purple responded having run out of snacks. "I'm going to find something to eat. Coming?"

"Yeah sure."

_The third time..._

Red and Purple sat in their chairs. Both of them stared at the blank monitor in front of them.

"Ok... this time we'll tell him in a way even he can understand," Red spoke.

"Yeah, this time he'll have no choice but to accept the truth," Purple remarked.

The poor communications officer sighed as he pressed the button.

"It's so good of you to call my Tallests!" Zim replied when he appeared on the screen. "The mission is going well! Just the other day I managed to doom several humans in their parking garages or whatever. Yup. The Earth is almost ready for conquest!"

"We aren't calling to hear about your stupid plans."

"Yes, my plans are amazing," Zim agreed.

"What?" Purple questioned, giving Red a confused look.

"Zim, you're a defective," Red calmly explained. "You aren't an invader. You aren't even a food service drone. The only thing you can do for the Empire is die immediately. Now do everyone a favour and self-destruct."

"Self-destruct...? Of course! Why didn't I think of this before!?" Zim remarked; his red eyes lighting up as though he'd just received a huge epiphany. "Thank you my Tallest! I would have discovered this on my own of course, but it was awesome of you to suggest that I explode my latest weapon of doom! The blast alone would be able to flatten several of the human's disgusting cities!"

The transmission ended, and Red covered his face in his hands while Purple stared at the black monitor.

"Um..." Purple turned to Red. "What just happened?"

"You see!" Red remarked gesturing at the large TV that had been playing these three failed attempts. "It's impossible to make Zim understand! We've already tried!"

"Yeah," Purple agreed. "He just doesn't get it."

"That is the worst case of denial I've ever seen," Miyuki admitted.

"That last one didn't even make sense," Lard Nar noted.

"You're telling me..." Red sighed. "Zim only hears what he wants to hear."

"Where did the other contestants go anyway?" Miyuki asked.

"I don't remember how we even started talking about this," Lard Nar admitted. "Or why."

"I got an email!" Duxi exclaimed jumping to his feet. He leaned in close to the monitor and clicked the mouse button.

"Oh right. That's why," Lard Nar said, eyeing the laptop.

"It's from Dib! It says: "Help we're locked in the closet." He read over it again. "Shouldn't there be a comma?"

Miyuki face-palmed. "Why does everyone keep getting stuck in that stupid closet?" She turned to the judge's table. "Seven, go get them out of there."

The pink Vortian hopped down from his chair and grabbed a crow-bar from underneath the table.

"Why are you always telling him to do things?" Lard Nar questioned with a scowl.

Miyuki looked down to regard the leader of the Resisty. "Because he's effective, and he listens to me. Tak doesn't listen to me, Dwicky can't even find his way to the bathroom, Duxi is a pain, and the secret service keeps going on coffee breaks."

"Still..."

"The judges are being hired," Miyuki shrugged. "I can get them to do odd jobs if I want to."

"You mean they're actually getting paid to be here?" Red asked in disbelief.

"Well yeah. It was in the paper," Miyuki explained. "Under classifieds. It was a job listing. It pays about thirteen monies an hour."

"Is it the same for the Irken security you have?"

"Obviously no," Miyuki chuckled. "I had to pay them more than you two did to get them to agree."

"So you're saying the judges can quit anytime?" Lard Nar pressed.

Miyuki gave him a weird look. "No. They're trapped here like you are. The only difference is they're getting paid to be here. "

"Why did you capture all of us and bring us here if you have video cameras!?" someone in the audience questioned loudly.

"Hey! Do you think this is some kind of audience participation thing!?" Miyuki shouted at the person. "You're just here to watch!" She turned to her energy helper. "Put that away Duxi. We need to start the next contest."

"Aww..." the Vortian poser folded the laptop several times until it was big enough to fit inside his pocket. The mouse floated up through the ceiling. There was a puff of smoke as the desk Duxi was using changed into the hat. He picked it up and held it out to Purple. "It's your pick."

"Do I have to?" Purple questioned, making a face.

"Yup!"

"Oh fine," Purple reached into the hat and pulled out a piece of paper. "Questions."

"What?" Miyuki grabbed it out of his hand. "Questions? Really?" She tossed it away. "Whoever is writing these things really needs to get an imagination," she stated, so whatever (or whoever) was writing the names of the contests could hopefully hear.

"I got them out," Prisoner 777 said as he led the contestants onto the stage.

"Oh good," Miyuki smiled. Her smile faded when she saw the worn out expressions on all of the contestant's faces. "What's wrong with all of you?"

"Gir wouldn't stop his blasted singing!" Zim exclaimed.

"I was singing like this!" Gir inhaled as though he was about to start singing at the top of his lungs.

"Look Gir, candy!" Duxi remarked, holding up a piece of red licorice.

"Yaaay! Candy!" the defective SIR exclaimed, launching it's self through the air. Duxi started running and was instantly pursued by Gir. "I think I'm going to die!" Duxi wailed.

CRASH!

BANG!

CLANG!

Crunch.

"I don't even want to know what that crunch was!" Professor Membrane spoke, shaking his head.

"Um..." Miyuki waited a short while for Duxi to reappear. When he didn't she summoned her microphone. "Alright then, let's set the stage for this next match."

The whole stage shifted. Smoke rose from the floor as everything got moved around. Eight tables with buzzers rolled into the stage area.

"Since when does the floor move?" Dib asked. He was holding onto a laptop. The device had saved from the closet, so he didn't really want to part with it.

"Since always," Miyuki replied shrugging her shoulders. "Drop that laptop. There will be no cheating in this contest."

Bats flew down from the ceiling, snatched the laptop, and flew through the wall into what people could only assume was the abyss.

"What were those?" Shloonktapooxis questioned.

"I will be asking the questions!" Miyuki exclaimed. "All of you go find yourself a table. The question will appear on this," a monitor crashed down from the ceiling into the floor.

"Ouch..." Spork muttered. "Could you stop dropping stuff on me? I'm trying to sleep."

"Quit whining," Miyuki told him. "You were the one who wanted to be the floor."

"No I didn't..."

"Well then you should have said something earlier."

Spork went back to sleep (or something) while the contestants moved into place. Gir was thrown by something back onto the stage. He landed on his head behind one of the tables and let out a shrill cry of pure joy. Then he got up and saw the buzzer.

Beep. Beep. Beep Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep Beep Beep. Beep Beep.

"Stop it Gir!" Zim demanded.

"Aww! But it's fun!" Gir remarked as he slowly pushed the button again. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

"Hee hee!"

"Where did the little energy guy go?" Shloonktapooxis asked.

Gir grinned and then opened his mouth.

"Let me out of here!" Duxi cried from somewhere inside the robot.

"Gir! Did you eat that filthy light creature?" Zim questioned in disgust.

"Maaaaybeee," Gir replied happily.

"You sicken me!"

"Yay!"

"He'll be fine," Miyuki reassured them as she pulled some cue cards out of her pocket. She began reading off the first one. "So here we go. Questions can be based on Earth, Irk, Vort, and... whatever else might exist out there. I'm assuming most questions are going to be from planets we've actually heard of. Who's feeling confident?"

"I think you are all insane," Professor Membrane remarked.

"And on that note, I will read the first beeeeeep!"

Gir giggled.

Miyuki sighed as she motioned for the Irken secret service to stand guard around the defective SIR.

"Question one."

All of the Irken security leaped at Gir in order to stop him from pressing the big red button. WHUMP!

"EE! This is fun!" Gir shouted from under the pile of secret service people.

One of Miyuki's antennae twitched in irritation. "Question one," she repeated. "What kind of government does Irk have?"

Zim blinked.

Purple glanced at Red.

There was an awkward pause.

"How can you not know what kind of government our planet has?" Miyuki asked, looking at the three Irken contestants. Her eyes narrowed. "Honestly?"

Red breathed a sigh and pressed his button.

"It's a totalitarian dictatorship," he answered.

"Correct."

"How does that work?" Dib questioned, raising a brow.

"It's amazing!" Zim remarked. "Your puny human mind couldn't possibly..."

"How can you argue for it? You didn't even know what it was!"

"I thought you would answer right away," Purple said to his fellow Tallest. "What took you so long?"

"I was giving you a chance to answer," Red replied.

Purple covered his mouth to muffle a laugh. "You should know better than that!"

"Yeah. Silly me."

"Ok people, back on topic," Miyuki spoke loudly into the microphone in order to regain their attention.

"What number is pi to the-"

Beep!

Professor Membrane's buzzer sounded.

"That would be 3.1415926535897932384626433832 7950288419716939937510582097 4944592307816406286..."

"THE SIXTH DECIMAL!" Miyuki shouted over the older human's ramblings. "The sixth!"

"It's too late..." Dib breathed a sigh and brought a hand to his head. "He won't stop..."

It was a mind-numbing hour later when the Professor finally stopped reciting numbers.

Miyuki was busy ramming her head into a nearby wall, Prisoner 777 had built a pair of headphones and was listening to something else through them, Dwicky and Tak were long gone, Red was hunched over his table, trying to maintain consciousness, Purple drowned out the noise by daydreaming about donuts, Zim and Dib were quarrelling, Gir was being chased all over the stage by the Irken secret service, and Shloonktapooxis was staring intently up at the ceiling.

Lard Nar was completely unfazed, waiting patiently for the contest to begin again. The droll of numbers wasn't much different from having someone go through every single piece of coding

... Out loud... for an entire day.

Miyuki froze when she realized the Professor was finally finished.

"It's... over?" she questioned everyone tentatively. When she turned to the audience she discovered most of them were passed out in their seats. "That was the correct answer... but if you let me finished talking, I was going to say you only needed the first six decimal places... not a thousand"

"Six?" Professor Membrane sounded appalled. "All of my colleagues know at least a hundred!"

"Why would they even need to know that?" Miyuki asked, squinting an eye.

"Yeah... And why is pie a number anyway?" Purple questioned. "I thought it was a food."

"I have no idea..." Red remarked as he slowly straightened up.

"I'm running!" Gir shrieked as he darted across the stage for the seventeenth time. "Running!"

The secret service agents collapsed in exhaustion. It hadn't helped that Gir seemed to be able to defy the laws of gravity. He'd been running all over the walls and ceiling too.

"This dimension is going to become a totalitarian dictatorship if you all don't start listening to me!" Miyuki snapped, pointing at Zim and Dib who stopped arguing when they realized they were the ones being pointed at.

"Uhh... What is it right now?" Shloonktapooxis asked curiously.

"Right now it's... a.. hm..."

"It was a democracy," the ceiling responded. "You know, before you took over."

"Yeah, as soon as Miyuki took over, it became a dictatorship anyway," one of the walls commented.

"What? But... but I've been taking classes..." she responded as a book labelled 'How to Retire from Being a Dictator for Dummies' materialized in her hand. "I thought I was making progress!"

"Sorry that they crushed your dreams of being... whatever it is..." some brave soul in the audience spoke. "But we're bored, so can you hurry up and finish this thing so we can leave?"

"Who says you're going anywhere?" Miyuki demanded irritably as the book vanished in a puff of smoke. "We still have at least twenty more contests before everything is done."

There was groaning from both the contestants and the audience.

"It's not so bad," Prisoner 777 tried to encourage them.

"You're getting paid!" a Vortian in the audience shouted. "For the rest of us, this is just like prison all over again."

"Blargghhh!" Gir who had made his way up to the ceiling suddenly barfed up Duxi. The energy creature landed on top of Professor Membrane, knocking him out cold. Then Gir tumbled down, having lost his anti-gravity powers, and crashed onto the judge's table with enough force to split it in half.

"Well...you couldn't see that in prison I bet..." Sneakyonfoota spoke.

"You're right..." one of the Vortians concurred. "Prison was better..."

Miyuki rubbed her temples as she slowly raised another cue card. "Let's continue..." Her microphone materialized in her other hand. "In order to take control of the Massive and override its regular functioning, you will need this device..."

There was another long awkward pause.

"... here's a hint..." she turned to Zim. "You used this."

"Eh? I did?"

Another long pause followed. The small Irken seemed to have no idea what she was talking about.

"You asked for it specifically!" Miyuki tried again in exasperation.

Beep.

"That would probably be a remote command chair," Lard Nar spoke.

"Correct," Miyuki said, tossing that cue card over her shoulder.

"Hey... was that the reason our ship went all weird that one time?" Purple asked.

"Ah yes. That was a brilliant plan," Zim stated happily, having finally remembered.

"How the heck did you get that kind of device?" Red demanded.

Prisoner 777 sank lower in his seat.

"Why? Because I am Zim!" he responded. "I can get all sorts of things without your knowledge! Pretty neat eh?"

"No... not really..." Purple muttered.

Seven let out a sigh. Luckily for him, Zim's ego was too big for him to admit he'd received help from Vort.

Miyuki cleared her throat. "Moving on..."

"Two of the contestants are still unconscious," Duxi noted as he sat up from the floor.

"I don't care," Miyuki stated, glancing over the next queue card.

"But it won't be fair!" Duxi insisted. "Can't you use your inter-dimensional powers to wake them up?"

"I could, but I don't want to."

"Come on. Be nice. Remember your anger management classes."

"Ugh... why couldn't you have remained gone...?" Miyuki signalled someone or something, and a bucket of water spilled over top of the Professor before falling on his head.

"Gir! Wake up!" she told the little robot loudly.

"Okie dokie!" Gir happily chimed as he bounced out of the shattered remains of the judge's table.

The Professor sat up and clutched the bucket on his head in surprise. "Did I fall asleep...?" he asked still sounding kind of dazed.

"What is Vort most known for?" Miyuki asked.

Red hit his buzzer.

"Being home to the universe's most comfortable couch."

"Correct," Miyuki responded.

Lard Nar buried his face in his hands.

"Is that really true?" Dib questioned her skeptically.

Miyuki sucked in a breath. "Who is asking the questions here?"

Gir pressed his button. "YOU!" he shrieked.

"...yes... that' right..." Miyuki responded.

"Wait, that counted as a point?" Dib asked.

"Yes it did! Now stop asking me questions!" She cleared her throat and looked down at the next cue card.

"I'm playing to win!" Gir cheered, his arms into the air triumphantly like he'd seen the people on TV do.

"What is the Massive's weakness?"

Dib was the first to press his buzzer.

"The snack pod chambers on either side of the ship."

Miyuki glanced down at her cue card, then at Dib, then back at the card.

"Yes... That's right."

The Tallest stared at the human for a second. Red frowned as he slowly turned to regard Zim. "Mind telling me how a human smeet was able to learn that information Zim?"

"The Dib is always spying," Zim answered, shrugging.

"You showed me the Massive's weakness through a life-like simulation," Dib told him.

Zim blinked. "What are you talking about stink-worm?"

"The one where the Meekrob gave me strange powers..." the boy spoke flatly.

The small Irken glanced up at the ceiling then back at Dib. "Eh..?"

The boy smacked himself in the forehead and ran a hand down his face. "You threw a muffin at my head after..."

"Oh yes!" Zim's eyes lit up with recognition. "You should have seen the stupidity on your face Dib-thing! Ha!"

"Zim..." Red growled; his antennae flattening in irritation.

"Well it's not really a secret anymore anyway," Miyuki said, gesturing to the audience. "Everybody knows this now. Of course if you win, you can have everyone in the audience destroyed."

"I would like to see you try..." Gaz grumbled cracking open an eye with an amused expression on her face.

"I wouldn't," one of the yellow aliens with a screw in his head commented.

"Great. Not only are we trapped in this horrible place, we're also probably going to die..." a Meekrob muttered.

"The next question is," Miyuki began, completely ignoring the audience members. "What kind of government did Vort have before it was conquered?"

Beep.

"It was a Geniocracy," Lard Nar answered.

"Wow... I don't know the answer to any of these," Shloonktapooxis admitted.

"Correct. Could you explain what that is?" Miyuki asked Lard Nar.

"It's similar to a democracy, but the leaders need to have a certain level of intelligence in order to be considered for election," the leader of the Resisty explained.

"Irk will never understand that type of government," Miyuki stated, flipping to her next cue card. "Alright. What is the official term for Earth's leader?"

Beep.

"President," Dib answered, glancing quick at his father.

Professor Membrane was still wearing the bucket on his head.

"Yes," Miyuki said. "President is correct... but I'm really wondering about this question since Earth still has a lot of different governments and different leaders are called different things..." she paused and tapped her chin. "I guess it was a generalization. The next question is... which Tallest had the shortest reign, and how did he die?"

Red pressed his buzzer. "Tallest Slip," he answered. "He tripped on the stairs leading up to the podium."

"Correct. Again. That information should be something ALL Irkens can answer since it is a part of our history," she eyed Zim and Purple.

Miyuki let out a sigh as she flipped to her next queue-card. "A train travelling at 72 kmph crosses a platform in 30 seconds and a man standing on the platform in 18 seconds. What is the length of the platform in meters?"

Beep.

"240 meters," Lard Nar replied almost automatically.

Miyuki flipped the card over to check the answer. "That's right."

"Wait... aliens use kilometres and meters?" Dib asked.

"We're not on Earth," Miyuki informed the boy. "It's politically incorrect to refer to anyone here as an alien... Except maybe that guy over there." She gestured to the creature with the fake clown head. "Which leads me to my next question..."

"The question was about numbers," Lard Nar explained to Dib who still looked a bit puzzled. "I just stuck kilometres on the end of my answer because that's the word the question used."

"Even if it's in a foreign language, as long as there's numbers, Vortians can generally figure out the answer," Miyuki said. "But that's not as important as my next question." She read: "How old do you have to be to legally buy alcohol in the United States?"

Beep.

"Twenty one," Dib replied. "Well... in most places..."

"Yes yes. I meant in general." Miyuki smiled, and her antennae perked up. "Ok, so, Red, Lard Nar and Dib. You three are in the lead. The rest of you, good bye!"

The other contestants were all launched into the area behind the stage.

"Wheee!" Gir squealed gleefully as he flew through the air.

CRASH!

"This next question will be the tie breaker. The question is completely random. The first person to answer it correctly wins this round. Are you ready?"

"Yeah," Red replied.

"Sure," Lard Nar responded.

"I guess..." Dib spoke.

None of them sounded really enthusiastic.

"What is Duxi's favourite pastime...?" Miyuki's eyes narrowed, and she slowly turned to her co-host. "Duxi..."

"Yeees?" the Vortian imposter responded, trying to look innocent.

"Did you put this in here?"

"Yes!"

"... I'm going to hit you later."

"I know."

Miyuki returned her attention to the three remaining contestants.

"Well I can't take back the question now. Go ahead and guess."

Red tapped his buzzer. "Reading fanfics?"

Duxi shook his head and grinned. "I love it, but it's not my favourite!"

Dib pressed his button. "Watching anime?"

The energy creature's grin widened. He nodded. "Yes yes, that's it!"

Miyuki tossed all of her cue card on the floor. "Dib wins. Good job. You can all have a ten minute recess before the next contest begins... unless something awful happens of course."

* * *

**More Notes:** Sometimes these chapters end up being much longer than I mean for them to be. At least I remembered my line-breaks this time!

By the way... hardly anything is canon! I've made up quite a bit of 'in story truths' that have nothing to do with the show. Like Tallest Slip and his unfortunate meeting with the stairs. Vort's government was another one. There will be more. And yes, Duxi is one of those characters that can access things in the real world. He rarely uses this ability unless he's trying to blackmail someone into doing something though, so, it shouldn't get too out of hand.


	10. Best Parent, Worst Parent

**Author's notes:** What is this? Another update? What are the chances?

So! Here's another chapter. One day I will have most of this uploaded and I won't have to worry about losing it to a computer virus again. Yay!

* * *

**Best Parent/Worst Parent**

Ah... the sweet smell of dark coffee. Miyuki leaned over her mug and breathed in the steam. She was sitting at the duct-taped judge's table with Prisoner 777, Dwicky, and Professor Membrane while some relatively light chaos happened. Compared to the fires and explosions from earlier it was light anyway.

Gir had gotten his hands on some taffy, and he was getting it stuck on everything, including Dib who was currently caught in a giant taffy ball, and Shloonktapooxis who was trapped in a taffy web on the ceiling.

Purple was just about to meet a similar taffy fate. "Ahh!" Yup. He was stuck to the floor.

Red had managed to avoid the sticky mess, but Gir wasn't slowing down, and the crimson eyed Tallest wasn't sure how long he could keep dodging the whacked-out SIR.

Zim had gone somewhere else, blissfully unaware of the situation his robot was causing.

Lard Nar ducked behind the curtains, hoping to avoid being stuck to something. Gir noticed and happily gave the leader of the Resisty a big hug, covering him in goo.

Yes... coffee... Miyuki sighed. "Alright. The coffee break is done," she said as she took one last swing and stood up from her chair. The cup vanished, and in its place appeared the hat. "Pick one," she told Professor Membrane. "And Duxi."

The energy creature popped out of the table. "Yeees?"

"Clean up this mess."

Duxi saluted with a mop already in hand.

The Professor reached into the hat and pulled out a slip of paper. He unfolded it and read it out loud. "This says "Best Parent."

Miyuki became a few shades whiter, and her antennae drooped. "Excuse me...?"

"I said..." Professor Membrane began in a louder voice.

"That was a rhetorical "excuse me!" Miyuki snapped, snatching the piece of paper from his hand. She scanned over it before crumpling it into a ball and sinking it in her coffee. "I guess that's it then... I'm going to get sued for child endangerment and spend the next five to ten years in prison..."

"Hang on... you aren't actually thinking of using real children are you?" Prisoner 777 remarked somewhat aghast.

Miyuki glanced at him. "There's an alternative?"

"Yes. Robots."

"Ah... robots," Miyuki clasped her hands together and smiled. "That will keep me out of prison a little longer."

"She was going to use real children?" Dwicky questioned, noting the horrible taffy mess around them. "Wow... That would be a reaally bad idea. I mean with the zombies, giant spiders, and crazy robots, I would definitely say this place is no good for kids."

"Shut up, I get it already," Miyuki told him irritably. "I wouldn't want PETA getting involved anyway."

"Uh, PETA is an Earth organization that protects animals," Duxi informed her as he continued mopping.

"Right... of course... animals..." She summoned her microphone to her hand. "Alright contestants, we have an interesting contest for you today. Do you think you have what it takes to be a good parent?"

"A parent? But I'm only twelve..." Dib told her having just been freed from the taffy.

"Well someone doesn't sound very confident."

Duxi had already covered the front of the stage and was now working his way across towards Purple.

Red had managed to clobber Gir hard enough to temporarily stun the robot. Because of this there were no new messes.

"I've already raised two children," Professor Membrane stated.

"You're still raising them aren't you?" Miyuki asked, flicking an antenna forward.

"Not really. They become surprisingly self-reliant after the age of five," Professor Membrane remarked.

Miyuki stared at him. She was pretty sure human children required more care than that. "... I'm really glad we're not using real children for this..."

"Wait a sec... what do you mean by children exactly?" Purple questioned.

"I mean smeets," the Irken host reworded.

"Smeets?" Purple's antennae fell. "But... but they're creepy!"

"She said we aren't going to use real smeets though," Red spoke.

"Ah. Hmm. Ok then."

Shloonktapooxis managed to eat his way out of the taffy he was trapped in, and since he could float naturally, he had no trouble rejoining the others. "That was kind of fun," he admitted, grinning happily.

"I don't see how that was fun," Lard Nar said as he came to stand beside him. The leader of the Resisty was trying to wipe some of the taffy off his goggles, but this was proving to be a futile process.

"Free taffy," Purple replied. He couldn't say he hadn't taken some advantage of the tons of taffy spread all over the stage.

"Yeah. Free taffy is awesome," Shloonktapooxis agreed.

"And super hard to clean!" Duxi added from where he was suspended from the ceiling, still mopping away.

"Like bubblegum!" Gir announced, springing up and bouncing over to the judge's table.

"Please don't tell me you have bubblegum too..." Miyuki said drawing back. She wasn't even sure how the robot managed to get its hands on taffy either. It was probably someone in the audience's fault.

"No! I got tuna!" A whole bunch of the squishy fish stuff shot out of the SIR unit's head compartment, covering the host, two judges, and Professor Membrane.

"Tuna!" Gir shrieked gleefully as he latched himself to Dwicky's head and started munching on the tuna caught in his hair.

"Ahhh!" the school counsellor screamed falling out of his chair. "Get it off! Get it off!"

"Hey! I can only deal with one mess at a time," Duxi remarked. He brought a finger to his chin. "Although I could try splitting myself in half."

"One of you is enough," Miyuki informed him wryly. She disappeared from where she was standing, and reappeared completely free of tuna.

"Meow."

"Who made that sound?" Purple asked, looking around.

"Arghfarghhmbl!" Dwicky continued struggling to remove Gir from his head.

Red's eyes narrowed when he noticed the thing walking towards them. "What is that?" he asked gesturing at the small fluffy thing.

"That would be a kitten," Dib informed Irk's leaders.

"Ah. A Kitten. I see," Red stared at it for a few moments before turning to Purple.

The lavender eyed Tallest had an expression of mixed dread and disgust, and he started to carefully back away from the little monster. Red also took a few steps back.

"Aw it's cute!" Shloonktapooxis remarked, drifting a bit closer.

"Don't touch it," Lard Nar seemed to be having a similar reaction that the two Tallest were currently experiencing.

"I can't anyway," he said. He didn't have any hands, so him touching something was more difficult than it was for most people. "But uh, why not?"

"Cute things can't be trusted," Lard Nar replied.

"Ok... guys... it's just a kitten..." Dib told them.

"Mew."

"It's attacking!" Purple stated, pointing at the little beast.

"No it's not!" Dib insisted.

The kitten wandered past everyone as it made its way over to the judge's table.

Miyuki had a stricken look on her face, and she quickly disappeared before the small thing could get her. Prisoner 777, who was still covered in tuna, hid behind the table.

Then the small animal began licking the fish mush off the floor.

"Hey there little fellow," Professor Membrane said, stooping down to pet it.

"Why are you all scared of a harmless kitten anyway?" Dib asked Lard Nar since the leader of the Resisty was standing the closest to him.

"On some planets... small adorable things are the most dangerous creatures of them all..." Lard Nar explained.

"Yeah, you just don't know that because you've never left your planet," Red informed the boy.

"Is that an Earth animal?" Miyuki questioned, reappearing in the middle of the stage next to Purple. "How did it get here?"

Duxi lowered himself down from the ceiling using some kind of pulley system. "Maybe one of the interdemensional portals we used to bring people here opened up," Duxi suggested, grinning. "I'll go check."

Tak reappeared a few moments after Duxi left and stood back a-ways from the judges table. "It smells horrible in here," she commented.

"Where have you been?" Miyuki asked. "And where is Zim?"

"Yeah, his robot has been going nuts!" Purple exclaimed.

"I shoved him into one of the portals," Tak replied, shrugging.

"... Which portal?" Miyuki questioned.

"It was the one by the change rooms. Why?"

"That must be the one that connects to Earth," Miyuki concluded. "You left it open, or broke it..."

"I think it's broken."

"Ok, you broke it and now we have that thing!" she pointed to the kitten.

"Mew."

"Meow."

"Merow."

Suddenly there was a whole bunch of cats walking out from behind the stage, following the smell of tuna.

"It's an epidemic!" Miyuki cried. "Quick, everyone get to the ceiling!"

She turned upside down and 'landed' on the ceiling.

Red, Purple, Dib, Professor Membrane, Tak, Lard Nar, Shloonktapooxis and Prisoner 777 stared up at her.

"You're the only one who can do that normally," Red informed her.

"Oh right... and I can't find the button..." she muttered to herself. The button that could launch all of them to safety was gone for some reason. Had she maliciously destroyed it after the audience proved difficult to return? That was the most likely scenario.

"Yay! Kitties!" Gir cheered as he unattached himself from Dwicky. He began scooping up armfuls of cats, much to the feline's displeasure. Then he started putting some inside the storage compartment in his head. "I'm gunna looove youu!" Gir said, squeezing a particularly fat cat tight.

Duxi ran out onto the stage. "It's... it's..."

Suddenly a jeep roared passed him. The contestants all jumped out of the way of the vehicle. It screeched to a halt in the center of the stage.

"PETA!" Duxi cried. "Everyone run for your lives!"

The people in the vehicle got out. They were wearing black t-shirts with big white capitals letters on the front which read 'PETA.'

"Uh oh..." Professor Membrane said as he glanced up just in time to see one of the men charge towards him. He was tackled to the ground while one of the women scooped up the kitten he'd been petting. The audience all filed out of the building into the abyss, except for Gaz who couldn't be bothered to move from her seat.

"Those experiments were necessary!" the Professor insisted.

Duxi joined Miyuki on the ceiling while the three members of PETA ran around gathering up all the cats. Prisoner 777 was chased around for a while because they thought he was a goat. The Tallests were overlooked because they were insect-like... and PETA hadn't yet decided whether or not they would go so far as to sympathize with bugs.

They would bring it up at the next meeting.

Lard Nar returned to his hiding place behind the curtains to avoid getting snatched. Shlooonktapooxis watched with his mouth agape, but no one took any notice of the strange cone thing. Dib was, at some point, violently thrown off the stage by one of the PETA people so she could retrieve a kitten sitting beside him.

Then once their vehicle was filled with the cats, they piled back into their jeep and roared towards the portal. "We'll be back for the goats!" the driver shouted.

Miyuki slowly floated down from the ceiling with her eyes fixated in the direction the jeep had gone. She turned to the judges table and found Tak sitting there like nothing was wrong. The tuna had disappeared. Had PETA taken it? Both Professor Membrane and Dwicky were lying on the floor unconscious. Prisoner 777 was standing near where the audience was supposed to be seated looking dazed and confused.

She smacked herself in the forehead. "Where's Gir?" she asked.

Duxi dropped down beside her. "I think PETA took him."

Miyuki snatched him up by the front of his apron. "Go find Zim and Gir! And fix the portal before those crazy people return."

"Yes sir," Duxi remarked. She let him go, and he ran behind the stage.

"Why does this always happen...?" she asked, crouching down and holding her head. Her eyes narrowed as she regarded the Irken secret service that was standing in the back row of the audience, drinking coffee. "Get the audience back here," she instructed them.

They quickly drank the rest of their coffee, tossed the cups, and hurried out the current large hole in the wall leading to the abyss.

"Duxi is going to need to patch up that hole too," she noted. She wondered briefly where it had come from, but then decided it would be best not to think about it. "Alright then..." she regarded the remaining contestants.

Red, Purple, and Shloonktapooxis were still standing on the stage, looking confused but no worse for wear. Lard Nar decided to come out of hiding when he realized the members of PETA were gone. Dib dragged himself back onto the stage, but he collapsed before he could make it any further.

One of Miyuki's antennae twitched. "Now before anymore insanity happens..." Large walls rose up on the stage. They came in between the contestants, separating them from each other. "That should keep them out of trouble."

"Er... not to be rude, but aren't those walls just made out of paper?" Prisoner 777 questioned.

Miyuki shot him a glare. "Be quiet. They don't know this."

"Right. Shutting up."

Twenty minutes later, everyone in the audience had been returned by the secret service, Duxi had brought back Zim and Gir, and he was currently working on fixing the portal so no more cats or PETA members could enter. Professor Membrane had regained consciousness and was shoved into a paper room.

Miyuki grabbed her microphone out of thin air just as the robot children were delivered through a different portal. "Now listen up everyone. I had to put a damage deposit down on these things. They cost me a thousand monies each, so don't break them! Understand?"

Gir had already eaten several holes in his paper room. "MMMMMHH!" he responded happily with a mouthful of paper.

She grabbed the sack of robots and opened it up. Each of the devices had been painted to show the species they were supposed to represent. Even so, they all looked pretty generic.

There was a piece of paper sitting on top of the pile, and she reached for it. Her eyes slowly scanned the page. "Should not be exposed to extreme heat or cold... personalities may vary... will automatically turn on with impact..." she crumpled up the note and tossed it over her shoulder.

She hauled the large bag over her shoulder and floated up towards the ceiling. After tossing each contestant a robot child, she landed on a podium which had emerged from the floor. The whole area widened. The paper walls expanded.

Then video cameras flew out from the walls and began recording while Miyuki summoned a big screen and flicked it on.

Each of the robots activated as soon as they struck the floor.

Miyuki looked over at Dwicky who was still out-cold. Tak was sitting at the judge's table with her arms folded over her chest and a bored expression on her face. Prisoner 777 was standing idly by.

Sometimes she wondered why she hadn't just kidnapped the judges when the energy beings were kidnapping everyone else. It would have been cheaper.

Gir finished eating himself out of the paper room right when his robot child turned on. For a second, the dysfunctional SIR stared at the other robot curiously. Then he suddenly exclaimed "I'm gunna make you into pizza!"

He squealed, grabbed the not at all real kid by the hand, and dragged it across the rest of the stage which had grown larger for whatever reason.

"Do we have ovens?" Dwicky asked.

"Shut. Up..." Miyuki growled.

The camera circled around the rest of the paper rooms before poking a hole to see what was going on.

Zim appeared on the screen looking bored. His robot child was nowhere to be seen, but the freezer that held Miyuki and Spork's bodies just so happened to be sitting innocently nearby.

"What did you do to your child?" Miyuki asked through a speaker on the camera.

"Huh!?" Ziim looked started for a moment. He reeled around to see the camera poking into the room and squinted an eye. "That was no worm baby! That was a robot! Zim already has one horrible robot minion!"

"I think you're missing the whole point of this contest."

"There is a point to this?" Zim gestured to the paper walls around him.

"Yes! You're supposed to take care of your robot child... you know, so you can try winning."

"You never told me any of this!" Zim remarked, jabbing a finger into the camera lens.

"Well you need to stop wandering off!"

"But you're boring!"

"Zim!"

"Boring I say!"

The camera floated to one of the other rooms and poked another hole into the wall.

"Keepawayfrommeyoufreaaak!" Purple shouted as he backed away from his robot child. The machine had a strange glint in its eyes.

"I said stay back!" he said, edging closer and closer to the wall behind him.

Clang bang smash!

The camera drifted over to the next room where the sound was coming from.

Red was standing idly with his hands behind his back. His robot child had been smashed into a heap of unrecognizable parts.

"What did you do!?" Miyuki demanded, burying her face in her hands.

"It called me daddy," Red remarked; his antennae flattening in irritation. "I thought it wanted to fight or something."

"That doesn't even make sense..."

"Yes it does."

"No Red. No it doesn't. You just destroyed something that cost me a thousand monies for something completely idiotic!"

"It called me daddy!"

Miyuki started messaging her temples. "Explain to me how that would be a bad thing... you wanted it to think you were a good parent, so the rest of us would think that, and then you would have won this contest!"

"A parent?" Red stared at the hunk of broken metal lying on the floor. "To a robot...? Are you defective?"

"THE ROBOT IS REPLACING AN ACTUAL SMEET! WHAT PART OF THIS DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND!?"

"..." Red stared at the camera. "Look... a dependant robot is just annoying. It's useless. I did you a favour by smashing the crap out of it."

"Ok... I knew my race would probably fail at this... I mean, the majority of us have no contact with smeets for most of our lifespans... " Miyuki breathed a sigh. "Still... this is just sad."

The video camera looked into the next room.

Professor Membrane had constructed something using the left over crap from some of the other contests that had been hidden under the floorboards. The robot was sitting on his shoulder, looking down at the device the Professor was working on.

"Success!" Professor Membrane stated loudly, holding the object high in the air. "I have just created... the super toaster!" He handed the blow-torch he'd been holding to the not real child. "Here random child, hold this while I demonstrate the awesome power of the super toaster!"

The robot pressed down on the handle and flames shot everywhere. Even so, Professor Membrane continued to try toasting a piece of floor board. The result was a horrible electric shock. Flames caught onto the paper walls.

"Nooo! It's all burning!" Professor Membrane lamented. Then the toaster exploded, blowing up him and the completely robotic child simulator.

Miyuki, Prisoner 777, Dwicky, most of the audience, and even Tak stared in disbelief as all of this happened.

"How did he manage to make a toaster so fast?" Skutch questioned from his place in the audience.

"And how did it explode anyway?" the Letter M asked.

"... luckily I took precautions to make each of the rooms explosion proof... and the fire looks pretty self-contained..." Miyuki muttered to herself.

"The walls are made of paper though!" A yellow creature with a screw in his head exclaimed.

"Yeah... how did paper manage to contain an explosion?" One of the secret service Irkens asked.

"Some questions weren't meant to be answered," Miyuki insisted.

Gir ran through the paper walls while happily dragging his floury robot child. It was completely covered in flour... and probably butter. He suddenly stopped when he came to Zim's room and began digging around in the freezer. He pulled out Zim's frozen mechanical smeet. "I'm gunna make you into pizza too!" he remarked.

"Attempting reactivation..." Miyuki's and Spork's Paks both droned.

There was a whooshing sucking noise, but Gir closed the door before either one could get sucked away.

The camera peeked in on Dib through the paper roof. For some reason the boy was staring up at the ceiling.

Slowly, the camera followed Dib's gaze. His robot child was stuck on the ceiling... it looked just as confused as Dib did.

"Uhh..." Dib blinked. "How am I supposed to get it down?"

"Why me... why?" Miyuki asked herself, shaking her head.

Gir hadn't yet finished grabbing all of his "ingredients." Just as the camera moved to peer into the next room, he crashed through the paper wall, grabbed Shoonktapooxis' totally fake child, that wasn't at all alive or anything, and rushed out squealing about pizza and baking.

"Uhh... Ok..." Shloonktapooxis watched through the Gir shaped hole in the wall as the crazy SIR disappeared behind the stage.

The camera returned to Purple's room. The Tallest was somehow tied and gagged, and the robot child was laughing maniacally. There was a hole in the floor where the rope could have come from... Miyuki started thinking about getting Duxi to clean underneath the stage. Apparently there was a whole bunch of random crap under there.

Then the camera hovered over to the last room. Lard Nar was telling his robot child a story in a very calm non-destructive manner.

It returned to view Tallest Purple again... but now he was untied and Red was there standing over a different pile of debris.

"Red!" Miyuki snapped.

"What?" Red questioned.

"That robot was psycho!" Purple stated, looking pretty shaken up. "It grabbed an axe... an axe! I thought I was a goner."

Sure enough there was a large axe lying near the smashed up robot.

"Wheeee! I put em in a pot a pot a pot!" Gir sang as he brought out a large pot with the three machines inside. They were covered in hot pizza sauce and cheese which appeared to have overloaded their circuits.

"Gir... Where did you get that stuff from...?" Miyuki asked as the robot cheerfully approached the judge's table.

"I got it from Bloaties!" he shrieked.

"Did someone say... Bloaties...?" Gaz questioned, glancing up from her hand held for the first time in several hours.

"...that means Duxi didn't finish fixing the portal..." Miyuki said; her voice fading as the sound of an engine growing louder and louder.

The jeep burst out from behind the stage; its wheels squealing on the wooden surface.

Crash!

"I told you we'd be back for the goats!" the driver yelled out his window.

This time the people in the audience stayed to watch as three members of PETA exited their vehicles.

"I'm sorry!" Duxi wailed from the back seat of the jeep. Apparently he'd been captured at some point in time.

There was mass chaos as Prisoner 777 ran, Dwicky hid, Miyuki returned to the ceiling, the paper walls surrounding the contestants were knocked down by angry PETA people, and then the animal rights activists spotted Lard Nar who actually remembered to grab his robot child and start running.

Tallest Red and Tallest Purple ducked under the judge's table to hide from the insanity.

Zim watched, amused by the destruction.

Shloonktapooxis panicked and began floating in circles rapidly.

In the audience, the Vortians were the first to take off when they realized they were the "goats." The Meekrob were quick to follow when one of the strange humans shouted that there were also "poor lost sea creatures" there... and for some reason the aliens with screws in their heads were thought to be ducks of all things.

Then the driver of the jeep revved the engine and ran over Dib, twice, before driving into the audience.

There was a lot of yelling and screaming. Fires started up. The jeep crashed into a solid wall, startling the energy creature that yelped and returned to its floating ball form. This of course caused the abyss to leak in.

* * *

**More Notes:** PETA is extremely and/or somewhat exaggerated in this fic. If you happen to be offended, please disregard all the times they are called crazy. Thanks. xP

Hopefully I didn't lose anyone in the chaos. Is everyone still able to follow the story alright? Do I need to dig-out people from the rubble and scattered bodies? Ha ha. I'm sure everyone will be fine. Yeeep. This one actually turned out closer-ish to the original version, minus a few things I can't remember or won't say.


	11. Best Survivor

**Author's Note: **-insert whatever I've said before in here-

* * *

**Best Survivor**

After the PETA members pissed off Gaz... she led an army of angry audience members to reclaim the building. Of course she ended up their leader somewhat by chance... and she refused to speak to anyone once the pet-crazed organization was dealt with.

The wall was put back by the secret service while Duxi, who had escaped his captors during the epic fight, dug out Professor Membrane's charred remains from a pile of debris.

Prisoner 777 decided to fix the portal, and unlike Duxi, he was successful.

Gir's disturbing cannibalistic behavior came to an end. Unfortunately, none of the robots were salvageable from the melted square 'biscuit.' Miyuki could have sworn he was going to make a metal pizza out of them... he must've changed his mind.

"I need more janitors for this..." Miyuki sighed as she looked over all of the destruction left behind by their run-in with PETA before drifting down from the ceiling.

Dwicky and Tak had been sent to find the few missing members of the audience. Most of them had returned on their own since the only thing outside of the building was the abyss, and all of the portals had been sealed off by the energy creature acting as the ceiling.

No one could escape that way anymore.

"Yes you do. And better security from the looks of it," Red commented as he peered over the top of the judge's table to see if it was safe to come out yet.

"Who knew the secret service sucked so bad," Purple remarked, also risking a quick glance.

Duxi fetched Dib's smooshed body and dragged it to the front of the stage.

"Ha! The Dib is dead!" Zim stated triumphantly.

"He'll be alive again soon enough," Miyuki told him irritably. "And so will the Professor. I just need to find..." she pulled out a strange looking remote. "Ah ha. The Reverser. Perfect."

She pointed it at Dib and pushed the button.

BTZZAP!

The boy sat up and fixed his glasses. All of the injuries he'd received from being run over were gone, and apparently he was breathing again. "Did I get hit by a bus or something...?" he murmured.

"It was jeep!" Gir exclaimed, munching away happily on some bird seed.

Miyuki pointed the controller at Professor Membrane. BzztaaAM!

The Professor's charred skin changed back to its original hue and texture. It took him a bit longer to realize he move. "I could have sworn I burned alive in some horrible accident!" He exclaimed as he propped himself up.

"You uh... kind of did," Shloonktapooxis said.

"That would explain the memories I have of terrible searing pain!"

Lard Nar fell down from an air shaft and landed hard on the stage. The robot child followed after him. It landed on top of the Vortian, crushing him with its heavy metal body.

Dib's fake child had shorted out on the ceiling, leaving Lard Nar's as the only functioning device left.

"You ok boss?" Shloonktapooxis asked.

"Yeah..." Lard Nar mumbled. "I just need to... lie here for a while..."

"Oh. Ok."

The controller in Miyuki's hand transformed into her microphone. "Well... considering Lard Nar was the only one who didn't destroy his robot child... he wins by default." She walked over to them and snatched the robot by one of its arms. "And this is the only one I can return for a full refund..."

"Can you imagine what would have happened if they were real children?' Duxi asked, chuckling.

"You're awful," Dib remarked.

"Yeah, I am," Duxi agreed with a nod.

A cardboard box dropped from the ceiling and Miyuki tossed the robot into it. The momentum shot it back through the ceiling and out into the abyss. "My financial losses aside, I think we should hurry and start the next contest."

"Before something else horrible happens?" Shloonktapooxis questioned.

"Exactly," she ran a hand through her antennae.

"Why don't you invite guest judges anymore?" Duxi suddenly questioned. He appeared sitting on the judge's table near Dwicky who was reading the latest newspaper. No one was really sure how there were newspapers... But nothing in this strange dimension seemed to make sense anyway.

"Because the last guest judge was a ferocious Tallest eating blob monster," Miyuki reminded him moodily. She crossed her arms over her chest. "I'd rather not get eaten again thank you."

"Well… Zim only made one of those... as far as anyone knows," Red spoke, and everyone turned to glare at Zim.

"He made a giant Santa-suit monster..." Dib said with a scowl.

"With a big face like this!" Gir made a funny face.

"Ha ha. Yeah," Zim smiled and brought a finger to his chin. "That was pretty impressive."

"No it wasn't!"Gir cheered.

"What did you do with it...?" Purple questioned. They stood up and took a quick look around to make sure everything was relatively normal before venturing out from underneath the judges' table.

"I had the Dib toss it into space!" Zim answered, looking smug. "It feeds off the jolly, so it shouldn't grow anymore."

"You see?" Miyuki remarked, turning to Duxi. She pointed an accusing finger at Zim. "What if the next guest judge is another one of his horrible creations? Do you want me to do the democratic thing and put it to a vote? Because I'm pretty sure none of these people want to risk getting themselves brutally mauled or killed by one of Zim's crazy monsters."

"I do!" Gir shrieked.

"...ok, no one besides the strange robot then," Miyuki consented.

Duxi grinned. He took a piece of paper out of thin air and held it out to Miyuki. "You've already signed this."

She snatched it away from him and scanned over the page. Her antennae fell. "What?... I'm required to have at least five guest judges? Where did this even come from?"

"Yup, and I dunno. You signed it."

"Why did you sign that...?" Lard Nar asked as he slowly, and painfully, got to his feet.

"I must have been drun...uh... sleep deprived."

"Ok first of all, you're a ghost, so you can't drink. And you can't sleep either because you don't technically have a body," Dib informed her.

"I am a ghost. You are not. Given this fact, who do you think knows more about ghosts, huh buddy?" Miyuki questioned the boy. "Have you seen anything go through me yet? What about the coffee I was drinking earlier? No? That's because I drank it!"

"She gets a bit defensive when her deadness is brought up," Duxi leaned over and whispered to Tak who was sitting in the chair beside Dwicky's.

She pushed the Vortian poser away with a scowl. "I don't care."

The hat slowly drifted down from the ceiling. Miyuki and the contestants watched as it landed on top of Tak's head.

"I guess that means it's your pick," Miyuki said.

Tak took the hat off, looking very much annoyed. She reached in, pulled out a piece of paper, and unfolded it. "Best Survivor," she read out-loud. Then she tossed the paper away.

"That doesn't sound good..." Red spoke, glancing at Purple.

"None of these contests have really been good..." Dib commented flatly.

"Good point," Purple remarked. "As soon as we get out of here, I'm going to eat so many donuts."

"... What does that have to do with anything?"

"What?" Purple squinted an eye as he looked down at the boy. "Because they're good obviously."

"Yes, and I will continue my conquering of that horrible dirt ball planet!"Zim announced happily.

Red rolled his eyes and Purple scowled.

"Ok, let me explain what this contest is all about," Miyuki said standing up straight.

The large TV screen had been trashed during the PETA invasion, so another one fell from the ceiling, crushing the useless one underneath. "This contest will take place on Planet Doom."

"Hang on, Planet Doom is in our galaxy," Red stated.

"Yes?" One of Miyuki's antennae twitched. "Your point?"

"So I know how dangerous it is," Red replied.

"I'm not following."

"If we die outside of this dimension, we'll be gone for good won't we?"

All of the contestants stared at her.

"You know... I'm not really sure," Miyuki responded, rubbing her chin. "I guess there's only one way to find out."

"Trial and error!" Duxi cheered.

"That doesn't sound very reassuring," Lard Nar remarked.

"I'm sure it will be fine," Professor Membrane said. "This is just a crazy dream after all."

"Dad... this isn't..." Dib tried to say, but he decided to give up. His father wasn't about to start believing in the existence of aliens. "You know what? Fine. Believe whatever you want."

"You will be divided into two teams," Miyuki continued. "You can help each other if you want, but the game only ends when there is one survivor left."

"Are you saying the rest of us have to die?" Lard Nar questioned in disbelief.

"Well yeah. It's called the 'best survivor,' not 'the best survivors."

Before anything else could be discussed, all of the contestants vanished in a puff of smoke.

"I'm going to be the cameraman!" Duxi decided as he grabbed one of the floating cameras and disappeared.

"Ugh..." Red groaned as he slowly blinked open his eyes and gazed up at the fire-orange sky. He slowly sat up. Every part of him hurt, and when he looked down and saw his indent in the ground he knew why.

The freaken host literally dropped him here... what a pain.

"Ouch..." Purple muttered, crawling out of the bushes. "That was painful."

Red breathed a sigh of relief. "If you're here, that probably means you're on my team."

"Not that it really matters," Purple stated unhappily, and his antennae flattened as he rose to his feet. "There can only be one survivor. Can you believe that?"

"Do you really think it's smart to be standing around, talking out in the open?" Lard Nar questioned from high up in the branches of a nearby tree.

Red and Purple looked up at him. "Oh great. It's... that guy," Purple remarked, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Well I know who I'm bludgeoning to death first," Red commented.

"Hey! What do you mean by first?" Purple demanded.

"That's not what I meant!" Red quickly defended himself.

"Sure it wasn't," Purple said sarcastically.

"There is a whole other team out there Purple!"

"Uh huh. Right. That's totally what you meant."

Then the steady beat of drums sounded from somewhere deep in the jungle.

"Oh shoot..." Red's antennae fell as he turned to face the direction the sound was coming from. "It's the flesh eating reptile people."

Lard Nar debated whether or not he should climb down after being threatened. He wasn't exactly sure he could either. He'd landed in the tree upon arrival, and Vortians weren't known to be the best climbers. After a short debate, he went for it.

Climbing was about as awkward as he expected it to be, and near the bottom he slipped and ended up falling to the ground. He got up quickly, eyed the Tallests who were debating on what to do, and dusted himself off.

"We should run," Red insisted.

"No way, hiding is better," Purple disagreed.

"Why don't we run now and find somewhere to hide later?" Lard Nar suggested, rubbing his temples. Out of everyone he could have been stuck with it had to be these two...

"Pft. Like we're going to listen to a..." Purple started, but the drumming was growing even louder. "Sounds like a plan. Let's do that!"

And so the three of them took off as fast as they could away from the noise of impending doom.

"Wheee! I'm swingin' like a munkah!" Gir cheered as he swung past them, using the vines in the trees above. "I'm tarzan! AHHHHHHHH!" He hollered.

"That stupid robot... is going to lead them right to us..." Red panted.

"Hit it with something!" Purple blurted.

Red stopped long enough to grab a large stone off the ground and launch it at the annoying SIR. Thwack! It struck the robot in the head, and Gir landed in the bushes laughing happily.

Dum dudu dum dudu dum

The crimson eyed Tallest managed to catch up to Lard Nar and Purple just as they reached a small lake. Everyone stopped and took a quick look around. There was nothing but wide open space around the lake. If they ran towards the brush, they might get seen.

"I don't think they would think to look for us in the water," Lard Nar commented. "But we'll be in trouble if we have to hold our breaths too long."

"Yeah, and if Purple or I go unconscious, our paks will fry everyone water," Red stated, glancing at Purple.

DUM DUDU DUM DUDU

"That settles it I guess," Purple remarked as he began wading into the water. Lard Nar followed after him, but Red hesitated a moment longer. He was beginning to wonder if he couldn't take them all out with the weapons in his Pak. When he tried to open his Pak however, it wouldn't budge.

He relented, and plunged in.

A few seconds later, the aliens appeared. They sat down beside the water's edge, made a fire, danced for a while, ate a chicken, played a game of poker. Then just as suddenly, they packed up, doused the fire, and left. As they trudged back into the jungle, the one playing the drums started up the beat again.

Dum dudu dum dudu dum

As soon as the sound became faint, Purple surfaced, and gasped for breath.

"That... was... too close..." he muttered. He crawled out of the water and collapsed on land, panting.

"Red...? You alive...?"

Both Lard Nar and Red appeared in the water, and they slowly made their way to land.

Red collapsed beside Purple. "Never again... I never want to hold my breath that long ever again..."

"Yeah... Me too..."

Lard Nar dragged himself out of the water, breathing heavily. He slowly managed to climb to his feet. "We... can't stay here..." he spoke when he noticed the fire the cannibals put out when they left was still smouldering. "They might... come back..."

"Well there is plenty of jungle to hide in," Purple remarked, having regained his bearings already. He stood up and took a step. Slish slosh. His shoes were full of water. "Uh. Just a sec." He took off one of his shoes and let the water drain out.

Red rose to his feet, and he did his best to ring out the water which had been absorbed by the long skirt thing. "Alright. I guess at the moment it wouldn't hurt to work together..." Red admitted. "But no funny stuff from you." He pointed an accusing finger at Lard Nar who frowned.

"Me? You Tallest are the irresponsible ones."

"Yeah, well you're just plain stupid."

Lard Nar crossed his arms. "That means nothing coming from you."

"Are you looking to get clobbered you little pest?"

"What a typical Irken thing to say."

"Ok ok. First of all, arguing with Red is kind of my job," Purple insisted coming in between the two. He put on both shoes which he had taken the time to drain out. "Second... uh... well. We still need to find a place to hide right? Let's do that already. The aliens here are giving me the creeps."

"Fine," Red grumbled as he began marching towards the treeline.

"Sheesh... you didn't have to tick him off," Purple told Lard Nar before following after Red.

Lard Nar sighed. He'd almost rather be stuck with Zim than having to deal with two idiotic power-hungry adolescence. Almost.

Oh well. His past experiences had taught him to make the best out of any situation. The Tallests weren't his preferred choice for company, but he knew they had a better chance at surviving if the three of them stuck together.

Then a camera was shoved into his face.

"Howdie!" Duxi remarked. "What're you doing?"

"Trying not to get eaten," Lard Nar remarked irritably, shoving the camera away. The energy creature's presence reminded him that this was all Miyuki's fault. He couldn't believe he had once respected her.

Did death really mess her up that badly, or had she always been like this? He'd only met her in person once...

"Hmm! That sounds like a pretty good plan," he commented. The camera floated out of his hands and drifted along after the Tallests. Then it caught sight of a large dragon-fly looking creature and it began to follow it.

"No!" Duxi insisted, launching himself at the camera. Both energy and machine fought, and Lard Nar watched until both of them rolled out of sight.

"Ok..." He blinked. That was one of the stranger things he'd seen today. He caught up with the Tallests who had stopped short of an overgrown path.

"I don't hear any drums," Purple commented. "I think it's safe."

"They aren't always playing the drums Purple..." Red told his co-Tallest. The sun was slowly descending behind the mountains. Soon it would be dark.

"Maybe we should build a bunker..." Lard Nar suggested. "That would keep us safe overnight."

"What's a bunker?" Purple questioned, raising an invisible brow.

"It's an underground fortification," Red explained. "You know... for protecting people against stuff."

"You mean it's in the dirt?" Purple made a face. "Gross."

"When it's a matter of life and death, do you really think a little dirt is an issue?" Lard Nar demanded, pressing his hands into fists.

"Obviously yeah."

"We don't have anything to make a bunker with," Red stated. "And there's no way we could complete it by nightfall if we use our hands."

"Which just isn't going to happen," Purple added stubbornly.

"Shovels are pretty basic tools," Lard Nar informed them. "It won't be hard to make a few."

A blur of grey descended from the trees, and Purple let out a startled cry when Gir suddenly landed on his head. "I FOUND YOU!" the robot shouted.

"Ahh!" Purple shouted as he gripped Gir and tried to pull him off.

Lard Nar smiled. He'd just gotten an idea that would save on a whole bunch of time and effort. "Hey uh... robot."

Gir leaped down from Tallest Purple's head and landed in front of the Vortian. "Yeeeees?"

"Do you want to do something for me?"

"Maybe!" Gir bounced a little. "What is it? What is it I do!?"

"Do you want to dig?"

"I'm not supposed to dig no more!"

"But do you want to?"

"NO!" Gir giggled.

"Aw really?" Lard Nar scratched his chin thoughtfully. "That's too bad. I was about to have all this fun digging in the dirt. I thought you'd want to have fun too, but oh well." He shrugged his shoulders. "I guess I'll make this awesome fort by myself."

"I'll do iiit!" Gir squealed as he began digging as fast as his little robot arms would let him. In a matter of minutes he'd made a dug-out which was a simple mound of compact dirt with a square shaped hole for an opening.

The little robot jumped out of the hole, grinning happily.

"Wow..." Purple stared at the robot, and then at Lard Nar. "You actually got it to listen to you."

Dum dudu dum dudu dum

"I'm gunna say hi to the neighbours!" Gir exclaimed before running in the direction of the drums. "I love you neighbours!"

"Do you really think those lizard things won't notice a giant mound of dirt in the middle of the jungle?" Red questioned Lard Nar sceptically.

"It's not really that big," Lard Nar informed him. "But if you're so worried about getting discovered, you can stay out here. Maybe climb a tree or something."

"That'd better than having to touch gross things underground," Purple remarked, taking an uneasy step back from the object of his disgust.

Red looked over at where the sun was currently descending. It wouldn't be long before the land was covered with darkness, and while this wouldn't pose too much of a problem for him or Purple since they could see well in the dark, they weren't quite sure what they would encounter in the night.

"Alright fine," Red relented. "We'll try the underground bunker thing."

"We will?" Purple asked, squinting an eye.

Red shoved Purple into the small underground hovel after Lard Nar, much to the lavender-eyed Tallest's distress.

"I don't like crawly things!" Purple insisted, crouching away from the dirt walls and ceiling. Then he felt something brush past his legs. "AH!"

"Would you be quiet?" Lard Nar snapped in a hushed tone. "That was just me. I need to close off the entrance."

"So we can suffocate?"

"No. So the lizard people won't find us. You can poke a hole in the roof to let air in. You're tall enough."

"I'm not touching it," Purple told him forcefully.

Lard Nar sighed as he dug along the bottom and collapse the walls near the entrance. This dirt covered the opening. "Fine. Whatever. Suffocation isn't the worst way to die."

Red reached up to test the ceiling. It felt pretty solid for something that had been made by a crazy robot in less than five minutes. He punched a hole in the dirt ceiling using his fist since he still couldn't access anything from his pak. He was starting to wonder about that.

"Ahh..." he gripped his sore hand close to his chest plate. "That hurt more than I thought it would..."

"Ew. Your hand is all gross," Purple stated. "Ack! Don't wipe it on me Red!"

"How many times am I going to have to tell you to be quiet?" Lard Nar spoke. "Out of all the aliens I've worked with, you two have to be the most annoying..."

"More annoying than Zim?" Purple suddenly asked.

"Well... no. I guess not."

Dun Dundun dun dun dun

"Yaaaaay!" Gir cried happily from outside. "I get to be soup!"

"Do I even want to know?" Red asked, his red eyes narrowing in the darkness.

"Wow... you both look really creepy in the dark," Lard Nar commented.

The Tallests' glowing eyes turned to him.

"I don't get why people keep saying that," Purple's shadowy form seemed to loom like a nightmare.

Lard Nar's back hit the wall. He hadn't even realized he'd been backing up in fright. He'd been trying to treat the Tallests like they were a part of his team, but now that they weren't in any immediate danger of getting eaten, he remembered they were awful.

What was he doing? They were going to be trapped in a small claustrophobic space for the next nine hours, or however long it took for the sun to rise. On top of that, they didn't have any food or water. On top of even that... they were the freaken Tallest!

Maybe it would be better to sleep and just hope he woke up in the morning.

"Ahhh!" Purple shrieked, startling Lard Nar awake. "I just saw eyes! Eyes over there!" He probably pointed in the direction he saw them.

"Seriously Purple, calm down," Red tried.

"No! This place is creepy! I want out!"

"It's only been a few hours... do I have to go over the long list of every night creature that could eat us again?"

"Well I think the bossy guy died! I haven't heard him in forever, and now these creepy eyes appeared!"

"Are you sure it wasn't the Vortian you were seeing?"

"I know what I saw Red!"

"You... saw... meeee." Something in the corner spoke in a creepy voice.

"Waaah!" Red allowed Purple to drag him through the dirt covering the entrance and out into the jungle.

A few seconds later, Duxi emerged from their hide-out laughing. "Oh my gosh. Your faces. So funny!"

"Why are you here?" Red demanded.

"The other team isn't around anymore that's why," Duxi responded, grinning knowingly. "It's just you three left." He added for extra emphasis.

"But it hasn't even been a full day," Lard Nar said in disbelief as he stepped out of the bunker.

The way had been cleared by Purple's frantic escape.

"Yeah well..." Duxi tapped his chin. "Professor Membrane fell in a volcano upon arrival, Dib got squashed by a giant Cyclops shortly after that, then Shloonapiz was eaten alive by a swarm of fire ants, and Zim got himself banished from the planet forever when he cut down the oldest tree in the jungle which gravely insulted the locals."

"Isn't the penalty for cutting down a tree death?" Red questioned, raising an invisible brow.

"Nope, that's for littering," Duxi informed them gleefully. "In any case, he's been disqualified."

"Leave it to Zim to escape death..." Red muttered.

"What happened to the robot?" Purple asked.

"Boiled to death."

"Huh." Purple blinked. "He really did become soup."

"Wait... if the penalty for cutting down a tree is banishment, then couldn't we just do that?" Lard Nar asked. He risked a quick glance at the Tallests, thinking he might need to start running for his life at any moment.

"Nah, they changed it to death after Zim was banished."

Red smacked himself in the forehead, and Purple groaned.

Duxi rocked back and forth on his heels and folded his hands behind his back.

"So... you're going right?" Purple questioned.

"Nope."

"Okay... Why?"

"I lost the really expensive camera Miyuki bought," Duxi replied. "So what's the plan? Are you going to start killing each other off?"

"I would never kill Purple," Red insisted.

"That's not what you were saying earlier," Purple told him flatly.

"You know I didn't mean it like that."

"Riiight," Purple edged away from him.

"Ohh! Tension!" Duxi exclaimed clasping his hands in front of him now. "Too bad I lost the camera."

Dum dudu dum dumdum dum.

"Shoot!" Red turned to the bunker, but it had already collapsed in on its self.

"Action! Yay!" Duxi cheered. "We get to run for our lives now right? Oh wait..." he drifted into the air. "I can fly!"

"You annoying little..." Red grumbled.

Duxi just laughed.

DUM DUDU DUM

Red looked up at the nearest tree. "Since I can't access the weapons in my pak, I guess we don't have much choice..." He walked over to the base of the tree and hoisted himself up to the first branch.

"Oh! So you did notice the super glue," Duxi commented.

"You! I should have known..." Red groaned before glancing down at his co-Tallest. "Well, come on already."

"Coming," Purple replied before directing his attention to Lard Nar. "We'll have lots of time to kill each other later, so let's keep trying this team work thing for a bit. Maybe we can survive an extra few minutes or something."

"Yeah I guess," Lard Nar agreed. They probably weren't going leaving him behind at this point because of the risk he'd be if he got captured by the 'cannibal aliens'. If he was caught, he would totally give up the Tallest's location without any feelings of guilt.

"Stop talking and get up here, both of you, now," Red insisted.

DUMDUMDUM

The drumming stopped just as Purple and Lard Nar made it to where Red was mid-way up the tree.

"What are you doing?" Duxi asked them loud enough for the aliens below to hear. He casually floated by with his hands lazily behind his head.

The cannibals were lizard-like aliens with dark green scaly skin, short tails, and star shaped ears. They had long claws and sharp teeth. Their eyes were yellow with tiny black slits for pupils.

Also, the term 'cannibal' wasn't really correct because while they eagerly ate other aliens that happened to land on their planet, they didn't seem very fond of eating each other.

Their leader spoke fast and gestured up at the three contestants in the tree. His followers began piling dry sticks around the base of the trunk, and then one of them set it ablaze.

"I thought cutting down trees was illegal or something," Red commented.

"It is, but burning down trees is a sign of respect for the jungle," Duxi responded before drifting away from the black smoke. "Someone needs to do more research!"

"Does anyone else want to hurt him?" Purple questioned.

"Yes," Lard Nar said.

"So much..." Red grumbled.

That tree burned down, but they were able to move to the next tree. The aliens wouldn't letup though, and soon that tree was ablaze.

"We're going to have to jump down and make a run for it," Red informed them.

"In our armor?" Purple questioned. "That's going to be painful."

"It's either that or we burn to death up here."

"Yeah ok. Let's get this over with."

"On three. One... two... three!"

The three contestants jumped down and made a mad dash for freedom with the lizard creatures following in quick pursuit. They, the contestants, continued running until they fell off a cliff.

Red caught onto a tree branch, Lard Nar landed in a giant fern, which did try to eat him but he managed to scramble away, and Purple was swallowed whole by a large Venus flytrap looking thing.

The crimson eyed Tallest couldn't help but laugh when he saw Purple struggling to free himself from the man-eating plant.

Purple managed to force it open long enough to glare at his co-Tallest. "Oh ha ha. This is real funny..." he said in irritation before the plant snapped shut again.

"It... is..." Red spoke between laughs. "You should see yourself!"

Then it began raining spears from the cliff above.

Sclirt!

One went right through the plant Purple was in, killing both plant and Tallest.

"Let's get the heck out of here!" Lard Nar exclaimed as he began running away from the barrage.

Red didn't reply because he was too stunned with seeing Purple die, but he followed after the Vortian.

When they had made it well away from the cliff, Lard Nar collapsed. If he had known he would be running for his life so frequently, he would have done cardio back on Vort. He slowly turned to regard Red who had stopped nearby. He seemed to be brooding.

It was just them left now... which meant the second one of them died, the other would be free to leave. He scrambled back to his feet, all too aware that he was at a disadvantage if Red decided to attack.

"What is this place...?" Red questioned; his eyes narrowing. The jungle had abruptly come to an end. Now all that was in front of them was a barren wasteland. There were no plants at all, just hard rock and stone outcrops.

"This would be the Plains of Disillusion!" Duxi informed him as he drifted down from the sky. "There is a chemical gas that leeches to the surface. It tends to disorient people and make them violent. None of the planet's inhabitants come here."

Lard Nar held his head. He was starting to feel dizzy.

"What kind of chemicals are we talking about here?" Red asked.

"The kind that make you crazy!" Duxi remarked, laughing.

"Oh..."

Red blinked as he tried to clear the darkness seeping into his vision.

* * *

**More Author's Notes:** Dun dun dun. I don't own Invader Zim or Survivor. It might be kind of cool to do an actual crossover. Maybe I should check to see if it's already been done first though. That would be a fun read.


	12. Super Twister

**Author's Notes:** I'd like to take this time and space to thank the people who've reviewed. You know who you are, and I know you're awesome.

On a completely different note, I don't own Invader Zim yet. It's a work in progress. Nah, I'm just kidding. I could never afford to own any cartoon. Not even the terrible ones like… well I don't watch the terrible ones so I don't know. Whatever one you're thinking of. Yeah. That one.

* * *

**Super Twister**

There was a muffled voice coming from somewhere... Red opened his eyes and found Miyuki's face hovering close to his.

"How are you feeling?" she asked, taking a couple steps back to give him some space.

"What happened...?" Red muttered as he sat up on the big steel table he'd been lying on. He ran a hand down his face and slowly looked around. "Where am I?"

"Well first of all, congratulations, you won," Miyuki told him.

Duxi appeared at her side wearing a surgical mask and big blue rubber gloves.

"How did I do that?" Red questioned; his antennae flattened as he glared at the former Tallest.

"Duxi told me you found a conveniently placed chainsaw on the ground and used it to hacked Lard Nar into tiny bits," the host glowered at the Vortian poser. "Thanks to this idiot, we've been watching a dragonfly for twelve hours... One of the audience members actually tried to start a coup because of it. Can you believe it? Twelve horrible hours..."

"But why do I feel like I've been mauled or something?" Red asked.

"That would be because you hacked yourself into tiny bits after you finished cutting Lard Nar into pieces."

"It was disgusting," Duxi cheerfully informed Red. "There was blood on everything!"

"You ok Red?" Purple questioned as he walked into the room. He had a big bucket of popcorn in one hand and a slushie in the other.

"Nope, going to vomit..." Red spoke, trying to suppress the wave of nausea that struck him.

"Please don't. Duxi just got all the blood and organs mopped up off the floor," Miyuki said.

"Organs?" Red covered his mouth and squeezed his eyes shut. Yup. He was very close to puking.

"What part of 'hacked to little pieces' don't you understand?" Miyuki questioned. She turned to the open door. "There was only a slight zombie infestation this time. Prisoner 777 is taking care of it. I'm pretty sure it's safe to leave the room."

"Yeah, it's safe. There are just a couple zombies wandering around in the audience," Purple remarked before shoving a handful of popcorn in his mouth.

"Then let's go pick the next contest!" Miyuki exclaimed, thrusting her fist into the air. "Come on people. Time is monies."

"I think I'm going to need a few minutes..." Red muttered.

Then he suddenly collapsed to the floor. Duxi skipped over to him and checked his pulse. "Nope. Dead again."

"Curses..." Miyuki muttered.

Crash.

Purple suddenly keeled over, his slushie and popcorn spilling all over the place.

"Dead too?" Miyuki asked.

Duxi checked Purple's pulse and nodded gleefully.

"Oh drat. Stupid complications."

It was a while later when all the contestants were finally alive again. How Miyuki wouldn't say. She got them to line up on stage before pulling the hat out from underneath the judge's table.

"Hey... Why is everyone changing their colours?" Zim questioned when he noticed Gir had turned pink.

Dib's face and hands were blue in colour, Red was beginning to turn orange, Shloonktapooxis had become green, Lard Nar was dark grey, Purple was fully white, and Professor Membrane's skin had turned teal.

"That would be a side effect," Miyuki explained. "It will go away over time... maybe. Hopefully."

"Um... why do I smell like candy?" Purple questioned.

"Do not ask me those questions!" Miyuki insisted. "Duxi," she held out the hat. "It's your pick."

The energy creature popped out of the hat with a piece of paper in his hands. He landed on the floor, unfolded the paper, and read. "Super twister!"

"Alright. Bring in the twister machine," Miyuki called to the secret service. Five of them came out hauling a giant machine. It took up most of the stage.

Duxi flicked the switch to turn it on, and it started rattling.

"What is the point of this...?" Dib asked.

"This device generates a twister," the host explained. "All of you will be locked inside. I guess the last one to lose consciousness wins." She turned to the audience. "Also, I've been informed that we have a guest judge who isn't a terrible ravenous monster... isn't that exciting?"

"I want to go home," a square-shaped alien wearing a hat stated. He was sitting in the back row.

"Too bad, you're all trapped here until I say so!" she cleared her throat and adopted a pleasant smile. "So everyone, get in," she told the contestants, gesturing to the large device.

Professor Membrane fell over. The rest of the colourful contestants just stared. Zim squinted an eye.

"What's wrong?" the host questioned.

"Zim is not going in that... that thing!" the small Irken insisted, pointing an accusing finger at the device. "It looks filthy!"

"It's not filthy! I just had it washed!" Miyuki insisted. "Besides, you don't get a choice on whether or not you go in. The only choice you have is how. Either you walk in there of your own freewill or I get the secret service to force you. Now what's your pick?"

"I'M GUNNA PLAY IN THE WIIIND!" Gir shrieked as he ran for the door in the machine.

"That's better," Miyuki said.

"Me too!" Duxi cheered as he ran after Gir. Miyuki stretched out her hand to an impossible length, caught the Vortian poser by his shirt, and dragged him back to the stage.

"You are not allowed to participate or go near any of the contests," she reminded him. "Especially after you lost my expensive camera."

"Awww..." Duxi pouted.

She dropped him and returned her attention to the contestants.

"I choose to take on the secret service!" Zim stated boldly.

He was easily overpowered and tossed inside the machine.

"I'm going.." Dib sighed when he realized the Irken task force was looking at him next. He trudged into the machine and was instantly caught up in the high winds.

"It might not be so bad," Shloonktapooxis remarked, trying to stay positive. He floated over to the machine and was sucked in rather violently. "AHH!"

The Tallests looked at each other. "Pfft... you're orange," Purple said.

"Right... this is going to be a good day," Red spoke sarcastically. "I can feel it already." He strode towards the machine and was pulled inside by the extreme winds swirling around.

Purple followed after him.

"Lard Nar..." Miyuki said in a low intimidating voice.

The leader of the Resisty seemed to have fallen into a daze, but he looked up when he heard his name.

"Yeah?"

"Get in the machine."

"Oh... yeah... right..." he walked over to the large device and was taken up by the strong air currents.

The secret service hauled Professor Membrane over to the machine and threw him inside.

"Thanks... but since he's already unconscious, that was kind of pointless," she informed the Irken security. They looked around and rubbed their arms sheepishly.

"Uh... Miyuki... while you were doing that..." Dwicky began. He had been sitting quietly at the judge's table, but when she turned to him, he gestured to the audience rather worriedly.

The entire audience had been turned into zombies, and the security force hurried to erect a chain link fence around them.

Miyuki smacked herself in the forehead. "Seven!" she called, and the pink Vortian scrambled over some of the zombies to make it to the stage. "I thought you said you were handling it..."

"I was, but then one started biting, and then those ones started biting..."

One of her antennae flicked forward. "Why didn't they bite you?"

"I used anti-zombie spray."

"... is there such a thing?"

"I just invented it."

"Oh... well, can you please fix the audience?"

Prisoner 777 sighed. "Finding a cure is a bit harder than coming up with a repellent... but I'll try." He hurried behind stage so he could start experimenting with the strange chemicals and devices Miyuki had bought online.

"Where is Tak? And the guest judge for that matter?" she questioned Duxi who was near the stands, teasing one of the zombies with a live fish.

"I dunno," he responded.

She scowled. "Can you go find out?"

He threw the fish into the audience, and all of the zombies lunged for it. "Kay," he said before disappearing.

He reappeared a few seconds later with Skoodge in one hand and a snarling zombie Tak in the other.

"Don't let her eat me!" Skoodge cried as he tried to run away, but Duxi kept his grip on the Invader. Unfortunately his hold wasn't very good on Tak, and she managed to slip out of his grasp and attack Skoodge.

There was ripping sounds, loud snarls, and screams as Skoodge tried to fend off the hungry zombie.

He failed badly.

"Miyuki, I don't mean to be a bother, but I think you've got the wrong kind of twister," Floor-Spork informed her.

"What do you mean it's wrong?" She asked, dropping her gaze to the floor. "It's obviously an artificial twister."

"Yeah, but there is a game called twister as well. Humans play it on Earth."

"A game?" she placed a finger on her chin thoughtfully. "Hmm... but this works too. Besides, how can a silly game be super?" Her eyes narrowed. "Wait... how do you know about Earth games anyway?"

"Duxi told me to tell you because you threatened to smash him with a mallet when he didn't return the video camera," Spork explained in all seriousness. He paused for a sec. "Did I say that right?"

She turned to Duxi who waved at her innocently.

"Ok... fine. The ones who don't fall unconscious in the next hour can play this... twister game or whatever," she decided because she didn't know what game it was and she was curious.

An hour later, the machine spat up all of the contestants.

Professor Membrane had been reduced to a mummified corpse, Dib was unconscious, Red smashed into a wall when he was thrown from the machine and became unconscious, and a similar thing happened to Lard Nar and the floor.

That left Shloonktapooxis, Zim, Gir, and Purple as contestants for Twister.

For some reason, they all had their normal skin colours again except for Professor Membrane who was dry and brown from mummification.

"Can I set it up!?" Duxi asked loudly, getting in Miyuki's face. She struck him in surprise.

"Oh. Yes. Go ahead..." she spoke. "Just remove yourself from the stage after you do that."

The Vortian poser bounced back to his feet and ran to grab the large playing mat.

"The room is spinning!" Gir cheered as he continued to spin in circles. "Whee!"

"Gir! Stop that at once..." Zim spoke. He clamped a hand over his mouth; his antennae drooping. "Ugh..."

"I'm pretty sure my organs are in the wrong places now..." Purple remarked, clutching his abdomen.

"I'm sorry I'm not a doctor," Miyuki responded. "I patched you up the best I... oh. You're talking about the twister machine! Right. IT messed up your organs, not me. Ha ha."

Purple stared at her in shock and disbelief.

"At least you still have organs my Tallest," Zim tried to cheer up his leader. "The way she was hacking and slashing, I didn't think there would be any of you left."

"W-What...?" Purple stammered.

"Don't listen to him!" Miyuki insisted as tape appeared over the small Irken's mouth. "Zim is crazy."

"I know that, but... what the heck did you do to us?"

"Your deaths were a major inconvenience for me too alright," Miyuki responded as she brushed back her antennae. "I had to learn how to do surgery. I watched three long boring videos on it. Seriously. They took forever."

"Why didn't you use the remote thing?" Shloonktapooxis asked.

"Because Duxi lost it..." Miyuki grumbled.

"Oh...Um... the professor guy isn't looking too good..." Shloonktapooxis noted worriedly.

"He's all crunchy looking!" Gir agreed.

"He'll be fine. I'll get the secret service to bring him into the back," Miyuki spoke as she motioned for the Irken security people to haul the Professor's corpse away. "And now I get to read up on Twister so I can explain to the audience what it is."

A piece of paper appeared in a puff of smoke in front of her, and she began to read.

"They're kind of undead though," Shloonktapooxis commented.

"Yeah... I don't think they'll care much..." Purple spoke straightening up. One of his arms was hanging limply at his side. When he noticed, he popped his shoulder back in place and flexed his hand.

"Mmff mffmm!" Zim struggled with the tape covering his mouth.

"Twister is a popular game... played by all classes... strange and awkward positions... last one to fall wins," Miyuki read. "Huh." She looked at Shloonktapooxis. "You need arms and legs for this game, so you're out."

"Oh. Ok," Shloonktapooxis said, slowly drifting away.

"I finished setting up!" Duxi announced. He had the spinner in his hand. The floor mat was spread out in the centre of the stage, away from the unconscious bodies of the other contestants.

"Alright," the piece of paper vanished. "The point of this game is to not fall. Duxi will spin the thing, I guess, even though I'm still angry at him... it tells you where to put your hands and feet. You might end up getting very close to the other people playing."

"Mmmff!" Zim insisted, gesturing to the tape.

"You don't need to talk for this game Zim," Miyuki told him. "So I'll just leave it on."

"Alright! First is left foot green," Duxi announced. "Go go go!"

"I'm doin' it!" Gir exclaimed, placing his left foot on one of the green dots.

Purple looked down at the mat and did the same. Zim crossed his arms and stomped down on a free green dot.

"Left hand blue," Duxi said.

Purple stooped down and placed his left hand on a nearest blue dot. Gir reached passed Zim forcing Zim to pick one closer to Gir.

"Right hand yellow,"

Everyone followed the direction, though Zim was getting more entangled by Gir.

"I like this game!" Gir cheered.

Zim just rolled his eyes.

"I'm just glad it doesn't involve dying," Purple spoke.

"Left foot red!" Duxi announced.

Gir went underneath Zim and easily found a spot for his left foot. Zim paused in order to look closely at the board, and he struggled to find a place, but he did. Only now Gir's face was in his face. The robot gave him a big grin.

"Hi!"

"Mff..." Zim scowled.

Purple nearly lost his balance, but he managed to do it.

"Right foot blue!"

Gir and Zim both tried to move at the same time, and they fell. They ended up in a twisted pile with arms and legs everywhere. "Yaay! I fell!" Gir shouted.

Purple turned a bit so he could place his right foot on a blue dot. Then worried they might make him keep doing it, he purposefully fell. "Oh drat. That sucks," he remarked, picking himself up.

"Let's do it again!" Gir squealed.

"No, I think you should all run instead," Miyuki remarked, pointing at zombie Tak and Skoodge who had just finished devouring Dwicky.

"Cripes!" Shlooktapooxis exclaimed. He'd been drifting in circles for a while not, but he stopped and began floating quickly towards the area behind the stage when Miyuki pointed out the two ravenous zombies.

Both Zim and Purple started running as well, and Gir followed along happily thinking it was some kind of race while undead Tak and Skoodge lumbered after them.

* * *

**More Notes:** So, Miyuki used skittles in the revival process. How do you revive someone with skittles? I would guess the same way Pokémon are revived with revives or Final Fantasy characters with Phoenix Downs.

However the effectiveness rate is definitely well below a hundred percent for these skittles.


	13. Fantasy Battle

**Some Notes: These weird new log-in options completely confused me. It took me five minutes of non-stop attempts at logging in before I realized I was apparently trying to get on here through fictionpress. I don't have an account on fictionpress. There's the problem.  
**

* * *

**Fantasy Battle**

"So Dib, deal or no deal?" Miyuki questioned, looming closer to the boy.

Dib shielded his eyes from the glare of bright lights. Everything was a bit of a blur after he became conscious in the middle of the zombie disaster. Luckily Prisoner 777 had found a cure before the zombieness could spread to all of the contestants.

And now he was playing a random game Miyuki heard of on the internet. Go figure.

"Phone a friend!" Duxi cheered from where he sat on the judge's table.

"That's the wrong game!" Miyuki snapped back at him. She managed a smile. "Well?"

"Uh... deal I guess," Dib said, mostly because he wanted to end the game.

"Really? You're fine with just a thousand monies?"

"I can't even use that currency," Dib told her.

"Oh. Right. Earth doesn't have intergalactic travel... do you want to give the monies to me then?"

"I thought the money was yours anyway..." Dib said, raising a brow. "Why are we even playing this?"

"I'm trying to give Seven enough time to completely cleanse the area of zombieness before we begin."

"So what happened to Skoodge anyway?" Zim asked. He and the rest of the contestants were sitting on the stage. After a long struggle, he managed to get the tape off his mouth.

Professor Membrane was alive again although he sometimes slumped over randomly.

Gir was munching on his foot. Why? No one really wanted to know.

"Em... he is... salvageable..." Miyuki remarked, avoiding eye-contact. Zim just laughed.

The microphone appeared in her hand, the lights dimmed, and the random person who was playing the banker casually walked back to his seat. "Let's choose the next contest... Dib. It's your pick."

The hat popped out from between two floor boards and smacked into the boy who managed to catch it.

Dib pulled out a piece of paper before letting it go. It drifted down and vanished into the floor. The human child opened the paper and read, "Fantasy Battle."

"Oh good," Miyuki clasped her hands together. "I can use the fantasy portal I found in the closet."

"There was a portal in there?" Dib questioned.

"Yes. That's what I just said."

"Then why didn't anyone see it when we were locked in there earlier?"

"..." Miyuki stared at him for a few moments. "Uh..." she thought for a little while more. "It was invisible?" she tried.

"Like the cameras were before they magically appeared right?" Red questioned, rolling his eyes.

"Silly green man," Professor Membrane let out a hearty chuckle. "Magic isn't real. Only insane people believe that!"

Red squinted an eye at the tall human.

"Excuse me? You can be perfectly insane and not believe in magic," Duxi argued, peeling a random banana.

Dwicky rested his hands on the table. "I think a lot of kids believe in magic before they grow up and become all cynical."

"You're a student counsellor... you're paid to say that," Miyuki noted lightly.

"No, I was a student counsellor," He gestured to his Plookesian friends in the audience who waved at him. "Then I was an adventurer, going wherever those guys went. And now I'm a judge."

"Right... well this contest is actually going to require the judges," Miyuki told everyone before narrowing her attention to the contestants. "Of course they'll be sitting here watching you on the big-screen, far away from any danger."

"Good... because I would hate to become a zombie again..." Tak muttered.

Prisoner 777 returned to his seat at the judge's table after helping the audience return to normal.

"I like danger!" Gir shouted happily.

"This time the monitor will actually show us what's going on because Seven reprogrammed the strange dragonfly obsessed recording device... after it was recovered from the death bog..." She glanced at Duxi.

"What?"

"Go fetch the fantasy portal, and try not to lose it on your way back."

Duxi saluted. "Yes sir!" he responded before running off to grab the machine.

"Um uh... If you can fix people, why can't you fix machines?" Shloonktapooxis asked.

Miyuki stared at him with somewhat of a chocked expression. "Me...? Fix machines?" She let out a laugh and shook her head. "You don't want one of the ways you die to be in some big fiery explosion do you?"

"I thought this dimension gave you special powers or whatever," Purple said.

"Yes... and fixing machinery isn't one of them unfortunately," she grabbed her microphone out of nothing. "All I can do is make stuff appear out of thin air, buy things with an almost unlimited amount of monies, revive you guys when you happen to kill yourselves, and eat and drink without having substances pass through me."

"Ok..." Purple blinked.

"The last part was kind of unnecessary," Lard Nar informed her.

"And really not impressive," Dib added.

One of Miyuki's eyes twitched. "It sounds like some of you want to return to planet Doom."

"Hey wait," Dib raised his hands defensively. "I was just kidding..."

"That planet was boring," Zim commented, folding his arms across his chest and smirking.

"Yeah... because you didn't end up dying..." Red muttered.

"I don't remember anything about that place," Professor Membrane mused.

"You died before you could see it," Dib informed his father.

"Ah. That's right," Professor Membrane mused, rubbing his chin through the fabric of his neckband. "There was a volcano."

"And too many trees!" Zim exclaimed.

"It was a jungle. Jungles have trees Zim!" Dib stated, throwing up his arms.

"So… I'm going to go ahead and completely change the subject by asking how many more of these crazy contests we have left before we can all get out of here," Red said, looking at Miyuki expectantly.

The host tapped her chin thoughtfully. Then she shrugged. "I don't know. Something like twenty?"

"I got the thing!" Duxi remarked loudly as he reappeared holding the portal over his head.

"Good," Miyuki sighed. "Go ahead and activate it."

Duxi pressed the big jewel in the centre of the hard metal case. It opened, light shone everywhere, and Duxi scrambled away so he wouldn't get sucked in. There was a flash of even more light that nearly blinded the audience and the judges as the contestants vanished into the portal.

Miyuki pulled a remote out of nowhere and flicked on the monitor.

The first to become fully coherent was Dib. He sat up and took in his surroundings. Then he glanced down at himself, wondering why he felt a draft on his legs. "Ah!" he jumped up and tugged on the blue dress he was wearing. "What the heck is going on!?"

"Wheee!" Gir suddenly appeared out of the bushes. He had translucent fairy wings, and he eagerly put them to use, flying here and there. "I'm a spider!"

"I was kind of hoping someone could tell me that," Lard Nar said as he stumbled out of the foliage. He was wearing a bright golden crown and a long red cape with white trim.

Professor Membrane sat up a few feet away and moved to rub his sore head, only, there was a tall pointy wizard had there. When he looked down at himself, he realized he was wearing a long purple wizard's robe with interesting blue swirls that also covered a portion of his face. Not far away was a staff with a big yellow jewel at the tip.

For whatever reason, he felt compelled to grab the staff as he stood up. "As I thought," he said, sounding rather pleased. "This would make a perfect walking stick."

Bzzzt!

A golden light shone from the jewel. It struck a nearby bush and turned it into a goat.

"Meehh!" the creature darted off.

"Huh... that was odd..." Professor Membrane mused.

Dib slapped his forehead. "Great... he gets magic and he doesn't even believe it exists..."

"So... we probably shouldn't stand too close to him then?" Lard Nar questioned, eyeing the professor warily.

"Yeah..." Dib replied, breathing a sigh.

Then Zim emerged from some shrubbery dressed in a red dress, although he didn't seem to be concerned by this. "So... what are we supposed to do now?" he asked. He smirked. "Is this a battle to the death?"

"I don't know," Dib spoke.

"I'm flying!" Gir cheered, diving down low and forcing Lard Nar and Dib to duck out of his way.

"Gir! Stop flying around!" Zim demanded.

"I don't wanna!" the robot remarked.

"I order you to come down here!"

The robot hesitated.

"Now Gir!"

Gir's eyes shone red. He landed on the ground, his eyes switching back to their usual blue as he pouted a bit. "But I wanna make friends with the birds..."

"So this is where all the yelling is coming from," Red spoke as he and Purple wandered over from the thicket. They were wearing heavy metal armour that knights used to wear during the medieval ages. Purple's visor kept falling down over his face, no matter how many times he tried to make it stay up.

"Maybe we should have gone the other way," Purple commented, since Zim was there and everything.

"Hey uh..." Shloonktapooxis floated out from behind a cluster of trees. He was wearing a yellow and red joker's hat with bells attached. "Everyone is wearing something different."

"Good observation Shloopaloo," Miyuki remarked as she materialized in front of them.

"Holy crap!" Purple exclaimed recoiling away.

"Oh come on, I'm not that frightening," Miyuki responded rolling her eyes.

"Did you follow us here?" Red questioned, frowning.

"No," Miyuki replied gesturing to herself. "This is a hologram."

"But you're a ghost..." Dib commented.

"It is possible for ghosts to use holograms Dib," Miyuki insisted before returning her attention to the rest of the contestants. "Anyway, it looks like when you entered the fantasy world, each of you gained a character role."

"Like dungeons and dragons!" Duxi remarked through the hologram projector.

"Dib, Zim, both of you are damsels."

"What is this damsel you speak of?" Zim questioned.

"Live bait," Miyuki responded.

"Uh huh I see," Zim responded, scratching his chin in thought.

"Why do I have to be a damsel?" Dib asked, again pulling on the front of his dress.

"It won't come off," Miyuki informed him. "And the roles were assigned at random," she shrugged. "Gir, you are a fairy."

"Yaaay! I get to be magic and fly!" Gir cheered as he again flew up into the sky.

"Red and Purple, you two are knights. You have more strength than anyone else."

"It could be worse," Red commented.

"Although this stuff is pretty heavy," Purple remarked.

"Membrane-" Miyuki tried to continue.

"That's Professor Membrane," the Professor interrupted.

"Right, whatever," she said dismissively. "You're a wizard. You can cast magic spells."

Bzzzt!

Another bush got changed into an animal; this time it was a beaver.

"Sheldon, you're a court jester," Miyuki said.

"His name is Shloonktapooxis," Lard Nar corrected. "You could at least try getting it right."

"I'm Irken, so I don't care," Miyuki responded.

"You were Irken," Red commented.

"Yeah, now you're just dead," Purple added.

Her antennae flattened. "Let me finish this explanation so you guys can get started on your quest!"

"It's ok, I don't mind," Shloonktapooxis told his boss.

"Lard Nar, your identity is the king. All of you have your own abilities. Now go forth and defeat the evil dragon laying waste to this land. The person credited with killing the dragon wins."

"Uhh..." all of the contestants looked around them. The land seemed pretty green and vibrant.

"Are you sure there's a dragon?" Dib asked.

"Yes I'm sure. Just follow the signs. You'll find it," and with that the hologram vanished.

"What sign is she talking about?" Zim questioned.

"I think she was talking about that one right there," Shloonktapooxis replied. If he could point he might have, but having no hands or fingers, he couldn't. Instead he headed to the small wooden post that had an arrow pointing towards the East and the word dragon hastily scrolled on the bottom.

Since they had no other leads, they decided to follow it. Only Gir fluttered off somewhere else.

"What is a dragon anyway?" Purple suddenly asked.

"In the stories it's a man-eating fire breathing giant lizard with wings," Dib explained.

"Oh..."

"Do you think we'll be able to defeat something like that?" Shloonktapooxis asked worriedly.

Bzzzt!

A rock got magically turned into a pickle.

Dib sighed. "If we had a wizard who knew what he was doing, we might have a chance..."

"So we're probably all going to die again..." Red spoke.

Bzzzt!

A tree changed into a fish.

"This sure is a strange walking stick..." Professor Membrane noted.

Dib let out another sigh. "Yeah... probably," he answered Red.

"HA! You have no faith in your skills puny Earth-Monkey!" Zim remarked. "That's what makes you pitiful and weak!"

"You're no better off Zim," Dib insisted.

"Lies!" Zim snapped. "I am filled with confidence!"

"How is that helpful...?" Dib muttered to himself.

They stopped briefly at the next sign. It was pointing towards a range of mountains close by.

"Ok... so who's going to fight the dragon exactly...?" Purple ventured as they continued on at a slower pace.

"Usually it's the knights who fight the dragon," Dib answered.

"Uh huh. Right, like that's going to happen."

"Obviously we're all supposed to fight it," Red cut in. "Giving two contestants an unfair advantage over the rest would be biased or whatever."

"He does have a point," Shloonktapooxis commented. "Though I'm not really sure what a jester is supposed to do..."

RAAAAAAAWWWWRGHH!

A large roar echoed through the small valley, causing the ground to tremble. Then the large beast emerged from its cave. Its slitted yellow eyes locking onto Dib and Zim. It gave its wings a flap and charged at the two damsels.

Dib stared in wide-eyed terror as they creature sprinted towards him. Zim took this opportunity to flee. When the boy realized that his rival had already bolted, he turned and started to run. He kept tripping over the front of his dress however.

"Haaa! You're going to get eaten Dib-worm!" Zim cackled gleefully.

"So are you Zim!" Dib shouted.

"Should we do something to help?" Shloonktapooxis asked, turning to his boss who was watching Zim and Dib as they ran for their lives.

He blinked and turned to his follower. "Uh... well... I think we should try to save the boy at least..." He looked over at the Tallests who were standing idly by. "You're the knights."

"So?" Red questioned squinting an eye. "Zim and the Earth-boy are keeping the monster pretty distracted."

"I'll help you son!" Professor Membrane exclaimed as he raised his staff.

BZZT! His pointy hat changed into a lampshade... "Hm... I'm not too sure how this is supposed to work."

Dib dove into the bushes to hide, so the dragon focused all of its attention on Zim who of course changed his direction and started heading straight for the other contestants.

"Don't come over here!" Purple shouted as he, Red, Lard Nar and Shloonktapooxis (well sorta) started running.

"We're going to die!" Red shouted.

"Again!" Purple added.

"Then fight the stupid thing already!" Lard Nar snapped.

Interestingly enough, both of the Tallests stopped running, unsheathed their swords, and charged at the angry dragon.

"Red...?" Purple spoke, sounding very confused. "What are we doing?"

"I don't know..." Red responded. They crashed into the beast swords first, but the creature's scales were too hard for them to pierce. The dragon stopped and tried to bite off Red's head. Luckily he was able to get his sword up in time to block the huge teeth from clamping down on him.

"Wew," Zim wiped his forehead as he came to a stop near Lard Nar and Shloonktapooxis. "That was a close one."

"Your leaders are going to get eaten at this rate," Dib noted as he crawled out of the bushes.

"Right! We need a plan..." Zim mused.

"How about getting the wizard guy to make the dragon smaller?" Shloonktapooxis questioned.

The ones who weren't fighting the dragon turned to Professor Membrane who was still wearing the lampshade.

"Yeah... I think we need a different plan..." Dib spoke.

"Oh sure, go ahead, take your time!" Purple shouted as the beast's teeth scraped against his shoulder guards.

"Yeah, no hurry!" Red exclaimed sarcastically just before the dragon knocked him down.

"You hear that?" Zim shrugged. "They're fine."

"That's sarcasm Zim!" Red snapped. "Sarcasm!"

"What do you think boss?" Shloonktapooxis asked, glancing at his captain.

"You know I can't come up with plans easily..." Lard Nar said.

There was a long pause where only the sound of slashing swords and biting teeth could be heard.

"Yeeep..." Zim commented after a while.

"We have to kill this thing before we can leave..." Dib ventured, hoping that this reminder would prompt someone to come up with something.

The dragon lifted its head and caught sight of Dib and Zim again. It roared as he swung away from the Tallestd and barrelled towards them.

Red and Purple collapsed exhausted the second the beast's attention was off of them.

"Um... do you guys have any ideas?" Shloonktapooxis asked.

"Give me... a sec..." Red muttered raising a finger to signal a moment. "Need… air…"

"Why is... this armour... so heavy...?" Purple questioned.

The dragon chased Zim and Dib all over the place.

"It... looks like..." Red took one long breath and exhaled. "It looks like damsels are distractions. Purple and I are the brawn, and probably the only ones that can face the thing head on like that... but its scales are too hard. Our sharp metal blade things don't work on it." He shifted his gaze to Professor Membrane who was making bubbles appear accidentally.

"If he could make these weapons stronger, or the dragon weaker, we could kill it no problem..."

"We're missing someone," Shloonktapooxis noted, looking around.

"The crazy SIR unit," Lard Nar, Red, and Purple all spoke at once.

"What do fairies do?" Lard Nar wondered.

"YOU CALLED MEEEE!?" Gir shouted as he flew through the sky towards them. Then it noticed the dragon. "I'm gunna huuug youuu like a muffin does!" Gir shrieked as he launched himself at the creature. He latched onto its face, startling the beast that reared up and began shaking its head side to side.

"I guess that works..." Red remarked though he didn't sound very sure.

Then fire began spurting from the dragon's mouth which made Gir laugh gleefully. He continued laughing even after he was thrown far into the sky.

Dib was hiding behind a sign post, and Zim was buying something from a merchant who had just wandered into the area with his cart. The dragon made a snack out of the man before turning its sights on the small Irken who threw the chicken pot pie he just bought in the beast's face.

"Eat this chicken you slobbery beast!" Zim exclaimed.

Fortunately for him the potpie got into one of the dragon's eyes, giving the small Irken enough time to flee once more.

The dragon ran over Professor Membrane, crushing him into the ground as it continued to chase Zim.

"Alright... let's try attacking it again," Lard Nar said.

"When you say that, you mean me and Purple don't you?" Red asked with a scowl.

"Oh come on..." Purple said, pushing his visor back up over his eyes.

Lard Nar smiled. He'd figured out what the king's role was... it was to order the knights around. "Yup. Go attack it."

"Oh dla..." Red nearly cursed as his body moved to intercept the dragon.

"I'm starting to really really dislike you," Purple stated as he too was forced against his will to attack the beast.

The dragon leaped right over the Tallests and quickly snapped up Shloonktapooxis. It swallowed the cone alien whole and licked its lips. Buuurp.

Lard Nar fell back, stunned, but the Tallests quickly came in between him and the dragon.

"Holy crap... it just ate that guy..." Purple spoke.

"Yeah, and instead of running away, we have to defend this guy..." Red muttered.

The dragon loomed over them menacingly as the Tallests brought their swords up to defend themselves.

KRTHUNK!

Suddenly the beast toppled over dead.

"..."

Dib slowly crept out of his hiding place as everyone gathered around the motionless dragon.

"Did it just die?" Purple asked.

Then its head started to move, and everyone jumped back.

Shloonktapooxis emerged from the dragon's mouth, covered in gooey saliva.

"Uh... what just happened?" he questioned.

Then the sky, land, and everything surrounding them began to swirl around as they were flung back into the strange dimension they had come from. Most of them landed on the stage. A couple landed just off to the side.

"So judges?" Miyuki questioned. "Did you see how the dragon died?"

The judges turned their eyes away from the screen to regard her.

"Uhh...no," Dwicky admitted.

"Not really..." Prisoner 777 answered.

Tak said nothing.

"... it was poisoned people. Poisoned."

"By the pie?" someone in the audience asked.

"No, by the jester," Miyuki responded. "That was the jester's special skill. He's poisonous."

"I don't get it!" someone else in the audience shouted.

"Never mind then. Shloonktapoyo won. He gets three points. It's up to the judges to decide who will get the next points."

"I liked when Zim threw the pie," Dwicky remarked.

"Yeah, that was pretty cool," Prisoner 777 agreed.

"Ok, two points to Zim," Miyuki said. "Who gets the last point?"

"Uh... the wizard guy?" Dwicky responded.

Miyuki stared at him. "Ok... Why...?"

"Sympathy point...?"

"Yeah, a sympathy point," Prisoner 777 said with a nod.

"Ok ok... one sympathy point for Membrane," Miyuki concluded. "We'll resume in a moment... after everyone regains their bearings."

Some of the contestants had started to move from the places they had been flung, but some were still immobile.

"I'll give them ten minutes," she decided before wandering off to find some more coffee.


	14. Another Fail

**Another Fail**

Miyuki was going to kill him... it was going to be difficult to kill an energy being, seeing as they weren't really 'alive' in the same way other beings were, but she would do it.

Her stupid assistant Duxi decided a water fight would be "super fun" so he got out the water-guns and gave them to the contestants, and also to some of the audience members. It had been a full hour since then... the stage was drenched with a mote surrounding it and there was water dripping from the walls and ceiling.

Dib and Zim were getting far too into this battle... they were merciless. Zim was shooting at everyone and Dib was mostly shooting at Zim. Shloonktaopoxis, who didn't have any arms and couldn't really fire a gun, got caught in the cross fire and ended up getting knocked into the mote.

He had been floating face-down for a while now, probably drowned.

The Tallest were taking refuge behind the judge's table again. Tak leaped into the fray when Zim accidentally hit her. Dwicky was on another one of his bathroom trips. Prisoner 777 joined the Tallest under the table and was busily scribbling out another diagram.

Gir used the weapons in his head to blow up a portion of the audience... why? Miyuki wasn't sure, but he quickly took to the "water-tag" game when he picked up a water gun from an unconscious audience member.

Professor Membrane wandered into the back somewhere, Lard Nar and a few other Vortians were forced to join in when Skutch, Larb, Sneakyonfoota, and Tenn began hunting them down with their water guns.

"Ok, that's enough!" Miyuki shouted from where she sat on the judge's table. All of the water guns vanished from their hands.

"Aw..." Duxi looked down at his empty hands and pouted.

"Finally," Red muttered breathing a sigh. He'd been wondering when Miyuki was going to step in and end the craziness.

Dib rang out his trench coat and slicked back his hair.

"Woo!" Gir raised both fists in the air. "Let's do it again!"

"Yeah again!" Duxi cheered.

"This is not happening again!" Miyuki stated in a very loud and authoritative voice... the contestants stared at her, and the audience members slowly trudged back through the ankle-deep water to their sopping wet chairs.

Prisoner 777 waved the remote up over the table. "I saved your controller," he informed her.

"Oh good," she floated over and took it from him.

"What does that do exactly?" Dib asked.

"It reverses things," Miyuki responded. "Like when you got flattened by that bus."

"Ha!" Zim laughed. "You were squashed like the gooey worm you are Dib-stink!"

"Whatever Zim."

She pointed it at the stage; the mote vanished, the water disappeared, and Shloonktapooxis became ok again.

"Does it do anything else?" Red questioned as he and Purple decided to venture out of their hiding place, completely untouched by any drop of water.

Tak returned to the now unoccupied judge's table, and Prisoner 777 climbed back into his seat.

"Not really," Miyuki responded. "But on another note, there is a new guest judge today." She pulled out a card. "Control Br... oh crud..."

Red glared at her. Purple gaped. The Irkens in the audience looked at each other, not really sure how to react to this.

"This is really stupid," Tak finally stated.

"I don't have any control over who the guest judges are going to be," Miyuki defended herself. "I thought that would've been obvious with the whole blob creature episode and my constant paranoia after the fact..."

Then the Control Brain materialized through the portal connected to Irk. It was currently wedged in the ceiling near the judge's table, for convenience sake.

"I wanna play with it!" Gir insisted.

Red groaned and brought a hand to his forehead. "This isn't happening..."

"Yes it is!" Duxi quipped.

"That's the only one on the whole planet isn't it?" Purple asked.

"Yes..." Red sighed, imaging the chaos Irk would be in without its control brain.

"I wouldn't worry too much," Miyuki commented shrugging. "It's not like you don't have enough soldiers to rebuild the planet."

"So much for not changing things outside the dimension," Duxi remarked. "Oh well. We tried."

"We could still replace the control brain with something else..." Miyuki mused.

"But what has the same kind of shape and general mass as a control brain?" Duxi asked.

"Hmmm..." Miyuki and Duxi's eyes fell on Dib.

"W-what?" he stammered, backing away from the strange host and her even stranger helper.

"Uhh... do you know what's going on boss?" Shloonktapooxis questioned Lard Nar who was standing with his arms folded across his chest.

"Yes... what we're witnessing right now is complete stupidity..."

"Oh."

Back on Irk...

A guard who, was patrolling along the stairs outside of the control brain's room, paused when he saw a bright flash radiating from the door. He took a look around as another guard joined him from the hallway. They both stopped and looked at where the control brain was supposed to be suspended.

Dib was hanging there with some kind of plug in his head, not looking very happy.

"Huh..." the first guard's eyes narrowed a bit.

"Does that control brain's head look a bit big to you?" the second one questioned.

There was an awkward pause before they both turned to each other in shock and surprise. Control brains didn't have heads...

BOOM!

Miyuki stared at the burning fireball on the screen that had once been her home planet, trying to avoid Red and Purple's accusing looks and ignore the cheers from several non-Irken audience members. The remote for the monitor fell out of her hand.

"I can... fix that..." she said lamely before switching her attention to Duxi. "Go fix it," she instructed him.

"Can I use the remote?" Duxi questioned, batting his eyes at her.

She sighed as she handed the 'reverser' to him.

He gave a joyful squeal and vanished.

"That wouldn't have worked anyway, since you need all the contestants to participate in the contest…" Prisoner 777 reminded her.

Tak held her head and muttered something unintelligible.

"BWAHHA!" Zim just laughed at the carnage, and the fact Dib just blew up as well.

"Uh... that was your planet that just exploded..." Shloonktapooxis informed him.

Zim stopped laughing and wiped away a tear. "Yes, yes it was," he agreed.

Lard Nar gave him a sideways glance. "I'm starting to wonder about your sanity," he said. "…again."

"Zim is perfectly sane!" the small Irken exclaimed.

"Noo you isn't!" Gir remarked, sticking out his tongue gleefully. He found the remote for the monitor on the floor and began flipping through the channels.

"Oh come on guys..." Miyuki said, raising her hands in front of her defensively. The Two Tallest were glaring at her now. "It was an accident. How was I supposed to know Dib's large head would destroy Irk like that?"

She turned to the control brain, looking for some back-up. "Am I right?"

_**If you weren't certain of the outcome, you shouldn't have tried it.**_

Miyuki raised an invisible brow. "How can I be certain of any outcome?"

_**You can't. You require asking someone smarter than yourself.**_

Miyuk stared in disbelief. Did the control brain just give her a snippy remark?

"Just put everything back the way it was!" Red insisted.

"I'm working on it!" she stated. "Give me some of time."

Three hours later, a very singed Dib was standing with the rest of the contestants on the stage, waiting to hear what horrible contest they would have to do next.

Most of the audience had decided on one hobby or another: paper mache, knitting, wood carving, reading, painting, and such things because the waits between contests were mind-numbingly boring. The control brain had been returned to Irk, and on the screen, the Irken's home planet appeared in perfect repair.

Duxi kept coughing up smoke; he'd been scorched pretty badly. Also, Dwicky had finally returned from his bathroom adventures.

"There's a trap door that leads to a world made entirely out of candy near the change rooms," he informed everyone upon his return.

Miyuki gave him a blank stare. "Uh huh... that's nice..." Her microphone materialized in her hand and she tapped it once to make sure it was working. "Alright everyone, stop what you're doing and pay attention. The next contest is about to get underway."

Everyone except for Gaz put away their stuff... and since no one was about to make Gaz do anything, Miyuki decided to ignore the small human and just continue on. "First the hat..."

It flew out of the wall and smacked into Shloonktapooxis' face.

"Go ahead and draw," Miyuki encouraged him, though he was a bit dazed.

Shloonktapookis managed to get a piece of paper out using his antennae thing. Miyuki snatched it up, uncrumpled it, and read out "death maze."

"Hmm..." Professor Membrane rubbed his neckband. "A maze is rather scientific."

Before anyone else could comment, the walls expanded outwards and a giant maze complete with a surrounding force-field just kind of appeared where the stage had been. All of the contestants ended up at the start site.

Miyuki flung away the paper and brought the microphone closer to her mouth. "Alright. The point of this game is to make it to the end, alive if possible. There are many hidden traps and unforeseen dangers..." The contestants were beginning to head out into the maze. "I'm not finished explaining everything!" Miyuki insisted.

"Huh? Oh yeah," Purple spoke. "The name kind of gives it away already."

"Make it through the maze without dying, yatta yatta," Red remarked, sounding bored as he continued walking.

"I just want to get this over with," Dib admitted as he trudged along.

"The ants go marching one by one horrah!" Gir began to sing.

"Stop with the singing Gir!" Zim remarked.

Lard Nar, Shloonktapooxis, and Professor Membrane trailed along behind the others.

"Fine," Miyuki remarked indigent. "I WAS going to give you all some idea of what you're walking into, but I guess I won't."

She moved away from the glass of the maze and sat down on the judge's table between Tak and Dwicky.

"Uhh..." Dwicky held out some mints he was keeping in his pockets. "Want one?"

"No, I'll pass," Miyuki replied.

The contestants soon came to a three way split. Gir kept walking, humming happily, unaware that the others had paused to consider which direction would be best. He went straight.

"Uh... I'll follow the robot I guess," Shloonktapooxis volunteered after a brief moment of silence.

"I don't think that thing has any idea what it's doing..." Dib commented.

"Neither do we," Lard Nar remarked, and he did have a point.

"I want to try the right one," Purple said.

"Then let's go left," Red decided as he started to walk.

"Oh come on. My luck isn't that bad."

"Yes it is."

"Great idea my Tallest!" Zim stated as he began following after his leaders. "I also would have chosen this direction."

"Ugh..." Red groaned. "Zim... why don't you go right instead?"

"Yeah," Purple echoed.

Despite the Tallest's dissatisfaction, the three ended up continuing left.

"I suppose that means we should try the right way," Professor Membrane mused.

"Yeah I guess," Dib said.

Dead ends, pitfalls, poison darts firing from the walls and floor, flames shooting out from small tubular things, and poisonous snake creatures... all of that happened in the first five minutes.

Lard Nar was beginning to think they had definitely gone the wrong way. He just managed to duck under another flame when he saw Gir giggling happily with its legs melted into the floor.

He let out a sigh as he carefully approached the dysfunctional SIR unit, motioning for Shloonktapooxis to stay back.

"Doo dee dooo dee doo," Gir sang, unfazed by his current state. He grinned big when he noticed Lard Nar coming towards him. "I'm a statue now!" he announced proudly.

"Can you move at all?" Lard Nar asked.

"Hmm. Let's see!" Gir tried pushing himself and wiggling back and forth. "Nope! I'm stuck. Oh wait!"

He detached what was left of his legs from his body and began running around on his hands, setting off several more poison darts. "I can go on mah hands!"

"Ok Gir, come here," Lard Nar beckoned the robot over.

"Wheee!" Gir squealed as he continued down the hall, setting off traps as he went.

Lard Nar watched the robot go before deciding to follow after him, avoiding the places he saw the traps activate. It was too bad one activation didn't disarm them.

Shloonktapooxis drifted behind his captain, setting off less traps because he wasn't touching the floor, though he still had to watch out for the ones in the walls.

Sand traps, lasers, poison gas... and more lasers. It was ironic how Zim managed to trigger almost every single one, and yet it was the Tallest who usually ended up having to dodge for their lives.

"Ok Zim, that's enough," Red said, sounding more anxious than angry, though he was feeling a good dose of both.

"What's enough my Tallest?" Zim questioned, completely unfazed.

"You... and your stupid luck!" Red snapped.

"Yeah," Purple licked his two fingers and put-out the fire burning at the tip of his antenna. "You're going to get us killed."

"Ha ha, me, kill my Tallest. You're funny my Tallest."

Zim leaned against the wall, setting off some metal shrapnel booby trap that whizzed past him.

Clunk clunk clunk

Many of the sharp pieces stuck into the wall, barely missing the Tallest. A few ended up hitting Irk's leaders, but luckily their armour managed to take the hit.

"We're splitting up," Red decided. There were two ways they could go now anyway. He began walking down the right hallway. "Purple and I are going this way. Zim, you go the other way."

"Hmm. Alright," Zim actually agreed. "This could be the way out. I'll let you know if it is my Tallest." He then left, triggering a few more traps; one of them being a giant rolling stone that dropped down from the ceiling. It rolled, paused at the split, and seemed to deliberately choose the path the Tallest's chose.

Red and Purple both turned around when they heard a loud rumbling.

"AHHH!"

It was too bad their hallway was a dead end.

Electrical fields, giant flesh eating spiders with webs covering the floor and ceiling, arrows, and hot lava streams were what Dib and the Professor were faced with. Unfortunately the years of working in his lab had left the Professor with very little stamina. After nearly getting eaten by spiders for the second time, he needed to stop and rest.

"I'm beginning to wonder what was in the other direction..." Professor Membrane admitted. They'd hit a dead-end and were about to retrace their steps back to the hallway they passed by a bit earlier.

"Yeah, me too," Dib said.

Then suddenly lava started pouring out from the ceiling, forcing them to run desperately back the way they'd come. Professor Membrane got a stitch in his side and was swallowed up. Dib kept running, found another dead end, backed tracked to the next hall and smacked into Gir.

Miyuki decided to go stand by the giant exit located in the side of the maze so she could see who would make it out first.

Gir propelled himself through the large open door with his hands. "I found youuu!"

"Yes you did," Miyuki agreed. "You also won."

Shortly afterwards, Dib managed to drag himself out, though he had been burned pretty badly by the lava. Then Zim walked out of the maze, nonchalant, followed by Lard Nar who looked like he ran into something that tried to eat him before arriving at the exit.

The Tallest had been crushed under the boulder, Shloonktapooxis disintegrated when a vat of acid fell on him, and Professor Membrane of course had been burned to a crisp by the lava.

"Gir wins this round, so he receives three points..." she studied the other contestants for a short while. "I guess I'll give Dib two points and Zim one point for making it out alive."

Dib moaned in pain, Lard Nar collapsed bloody and out of breath, Gir kept going "weewoo weewoo" over and over, perhaps mimicking an ambulance, and Zim just looked smug.

"That maze was nothing!" Zim remarked placing his hands on his hips.

"But... but I worked so hard on it!" Duxi exclaimed before bursting into tears.

Then the maze collapsed.

"Oh yeah, I forgot the screws!" Duxi said, smacking himself in the forehead.

Miyuki glared at him. He smiled ruefully as a mop and bucket appeared in his hands.

"I helped!" Gir exclaimed, motioning to Lard Nar who was now completely wrapped up in curtain fabric.


	15. When Lizards Attack

**Author's Notes:** I finally have more time to post new chapters. Hooray.

* * *

**When Lizards Attack**

"Duxi..." Miyuki said flatly.

Her helper continued to stare at his laptop screen without blinking.

"Duxi," she said a bit louder.

There was no reaction.

"Duxi!" she snapped, and the energy being blinked before turning to look at her.

"Yes?" he answered.

"Are you still on Youtube?"

He glanced back at the screen briefly. "Err..." he returned his attention to the host. "Maybe."

She glowered at him. "It's been five hours."

"Really?"

"What are you watching?"

Duxi grinned. "Cat videos!"

She gave him a blank look.

"What? They're popular."

"Shut your laptop before I hurt you."

"Ok fine..." Duxi pouted. He closed the screen and hopped down from the judge's table.

The judges weren't there. This confused her until she remembered she locked them in a cage of slobbering mutant lizard creatures in order to keep the audience entertained.

Oh shoot. They'd been in there for five hours already...

"Duxi!" she shouted when the Vortian poser ended up back in front of the laptop again.

"Right sorry," Duxi replied, raising his hands defensively as the laptop melted into the desk.

"Now where did the contestants go...?" she wondered; her eyes roaming through the audience and over the stage. The cage was sitting in the centre of the stage with blood pooling around it. The bodies of the mutant lizards lay piled up on the floor.

Prisoner 777 was lost underneath the carcasses and was most likely no longer living. Dwicky had received quite a few bites and was holding his limp arm. Tak looked completely unscathed if not a little bored.

"Alright, go let them out," Miyuki instructed Duxi who had crawled underneath the judge's table in an attempt to watch more youtube videos. She frowned at him, and he turned to her with a smile.

"They're addicting," he explained.

"When you changed into a Vortian... why couldn't you change your brain?" she questioned him sourly.

"Aw... that was mean!"

He vanished in a poof of smoke, reappeared beside the cage, and picked the lock.

The door swung open and Tak stepped over the dead bodies as she made her way out. Dwicky's eye started twitching, but he slowly crept out after her.

Duxi kicked away a few of the dead mutant lizards and found whatever remained of Prisoner 777.

"Uh... Seven is dead," he told Miyuki.

"Did you find the remote?" she asked him.

"Oh yeah!" Duxi grinned as he pulled the controller from a pocket in space. He pointed it at the former mostly eaten judge and pressed the button.

Unfortunately he wasn't very accurate with the device, and he ended up reviving most of the mutant lizards along with Prisoner 777 who was quickly eaten again. "O my gosh!" Duxi exclaimed, tossing the remote. "Run for your lives!" He threw his arms up in the air and ran away screaming.

They swarmed the audience and began biting and tearing at anything that moved.

"Auugh!"

"My face!"

"Get it off!"

"Shut up," Gaz growled at the shrieking alien next to her. "Your voice is annoying me."

Miyuki watched the chaos, clenching her trembling hands into fists as she tried not to lose her temper. A hot steaming cup of coffee appeared in front of her. She carefully took it and started sipping it slowly.

"What's going on out here?" Red asked, walking onto the stage. His crimson eyes widened when a good number of the drooling slobbery lizard monsters turned to stare at him. His antennae fell and his mouth opened as though he was going to say something, but he decided instead running would be the better option, so he did that.

Several of the mutant beasts launched themselves after him.

"What are those!?" Purple shouted from somewhere behind stage.

There were snarls and the sound of ripping and biting.

"Hm... what strange looking lizar-aaaah!"

"Quick, while they're eating the human, let's go!" Red instructed.

"I can't believe you used my dad as a shield!" Dib exclaimed.

"Wheee! I'm gonna be like pizza!" Gir cheered. "Gimme the chicken! Gobble gobble!"

Zim laughed maniacally. "Ha ha! An army of mutant lizards! I'll make them obey me!"

Miyuki rubbed her temples and let out a sigh.

Two hours later, the carnage had been completed. Shloonktapooxis, Professor Membrane, Gir, Dwicky, and most of the audience were dead. Dib climbed up the red curtain to avoid getting torn to pieces, Red and Purple used their usual hiding place underneath the table and escaped that way, Zim somehow gained control over a few of the mutant lizards. He led them on a rampage, and then crashed them through a wall into the abyss.

"The pain..." the energy creature that was the wall whined.

Lard Nar woke up from wherever he'd been sleeping and walked out onto whatever was left of the stage, looking around in confusion. "What happened?" he asked.

Miyuki was sitting in Prisoner 777's spot with her antennae flattened in annoyance as she tapped her fingers on the table. She frowned. "Oh. Nothing unusual... just Duxi... causing chaos..."

The Irken secret service stood around idly reading newspapers and chewing bubble gum after their epic battle.

"You guys, start cleaning up," Miyuki instructed them. "And if one of you could find and brutally destroy that useless helper of mine that would be wonderful."

They did rock paper scissors to decide who would find and kill Duxi. The winner ran off while the others started reconstructing the wall.

She summoned the reverser to her hand and began zapping people.

Once everyone was back to normal, she stuck the reverser in a dimensional pocket and snatched her microphone out of thin air, and made her cup of coffee disappear.

"You know, I'm starting to think we should just stay down here," Red commented from under the judge's table.

"Both of you get out of there," Miyuki said. "Seriously... don't you have any dignity?"

"Nope. Never had it," Purple remarked with a shrug.

"I used to have some before I came here," Red remarked.

"Ok whatever, just get out," Miyuki insisted.

Red and Purple crawled out from under the table, stood up, and dusted themselves off.

"So... are we almost finished with these contests?" Dib asked, and Miyuki let out a laugh.

"Don't be ridiculous," she replied, smiling. "We still have at least twenty more contests to do."

"You said that before!" One of the audience members shouted.

"Yeah, a few contests ago," another one added.

"We. Still. Have. At least. Twenty," she repeated herself through clenched teeth.

"That was a strange dream," Professor Membrane commented as he sat up rubbing his head. He took a good look around and frowned a bit. "And apparently I'm still in it."

"Is there any way you can erase our memories of the last three hours?" one of the Vortians in the audience asked.

"Not without inflicting permanent brain damage I can't," Miyuki told her.

"Why are we here again?" a small square shaped alien with a hat questioned. He was sitting in the third row.

"Because the Irken Empire has taken several planets, conquering a good chunk of the known universe, so there is what you would call universal unrest," Miyuki answered, running a hand down her face. "I guess we might as well have a brief question and answer session... considering not all of the contestants are fully conscious yet."

She glanced at Shloonktapooxis and Gir who were still lying sprawled out on the stage.

"I've got a question," Red interjected. "How many planets would we need to give up to stop these stupid contests from happening?

Miyuki shrugged her shoulders. "I have no idea, but it's too late for that now. The ball is already rolling so to speak." She raised an invisible brow and smirked. "It serves you right for getting all greedy with the planets. You should have sold a few to keep things more balanced. Like I did..." her expression fell. "But you weren't supposed to know that because it was highly illegal at the time."

"Who the heck would buy a planet?" Purple questioned, frowning.

"If they're highly flammable, you might be able to talk the Jackers into buying them," Miyuki began. "Not that I would know this from experience or anything."

"Ok, besides the Jackers," Purple pressed.

"I am not giving you my list," Miyuki insisted, wagging her finger at him. "If you want to sell, go find your own contacts."

"It's not that we want to sell," Red told her irritably.

"Yeah, we just don't believe you," Purple remarked.

"The Control Brain's wouldn't allow it," Red stated.

One of Miyuki's antennae twitched. She pulled the remote for the monitor out nowhere and flicked on the screen.

(At Jugdementia)

"Yo, so , ya think them kids are getting suspicious yet?" a control brain wearing sunglasses questioned the other two.

"Nah, they'll never figure out the real reason for operation impending doom two."

"Ya forgot to use caps man," the third control brain noted.

"Really? I meant to say "Operation Impending Doom Two," the second control brain corrected its self.

"Yo C-3, how can ya even tell?"

"I'm psychic dawg."

"Foshizzle?"

"Word."

"Diggin it."

The first control brain slowly rotated a though it was scanning the room.

"Ever get the feelin' ya's being watched?"

The screen fizzled out.

"Ok... so the control brains are still a bit insane after that incident I don't want to talk about..." Red muttered, covering his face with his hand. "What's your point?"

"They went insane?" Lard Nar questioned, raising an invisible brow.

"Yes, and I don't want to talk about it," Red insisted. This was the only reason there hadn't been trial for Zim yet… besides, Zim had a tendency to make things worse.

There was a loud smash, and one of the other walls crumbled. "MWAAH HAA!" Zim laughed maniacally as he rode in front of 'his army' of mutant lizard creatures. "Feel the wrath of my minion's claws and chewy teeth!"

"Ahh!" Sneakyonfoota, Tenn, Skutch, Larb, and several other invaders as well as a few other aliens in the audience were trampled on by the swarm.

"Why...?" Spleen questioned crawling away from the wreckage. He stretched out his hand to grasp something invisible. Then he fainted.

"Well, there goes most of the invaders," Purple noted.

"Again..." Red let out a sigh.

Miyuki nodded and offered him a reassuring pat on the shoulder. "Don't worry. Once you're dead, you won't have to deal with these things anymore."

"That sounds an awful lot like encouraging suicide," Spork floor noted.

Miyuki's antennae fell. "Go back to sleep Spork."

"I can't. There's an army of something rampaging on me, and I can't exactly tune them out."

"I believe they are heading in our direction," a now alive Professor Membrane commented.

"Alright. One more time..." Red spoke ducking under the judge's table.

"Yup," Purple agreed, following after him.

This time it was a bit more cramped because the judges, and Professor Membrane, decided to join them. Dib climbed back up the red curtain, Lard Nar found a random trap door that led under the stage, and Miyuki sat on top of the judge's table.

"How long do you think it'll take for him to get bored of destroying stuff?" Dwicky asked.

"Based on past experience... we're going to be here a while..." Red replied. He wasn't even grossed out that he was touching aliens. He really must be scarred for life or something.

"Aren't you going to stop him?" Miyuki questioned Dib who was hanging out in the curtains. "You two are rivals aren't you?"

"I don't have any equipment," Dib replied. "Besides, it's not like he's trying to destroy the Earth right now or anything."

"Are you saying the Earth is more important to you than this random dimension I forced you into?" Miyuki asked him.

"Uh... yeah."

"Well fine then..." she scanned over the audience, looking for the Irken secret service. Most of them were lying twitching among the other unconscious people. The two that remained were hiding under a pile of knocked out aliens. She doubted they would be able to stop Zim on their own.

"Then there's only one other thing I can do..." she turned to Gir. "Wake up Gir! Zim wants to play!"

The little robot bounced to his feet, squealing happily. "I wanna play too!" he shrieked as he rocketed towards Zim.

"No Gir no! Stop! Stop at once! Listen to me!"

TWUNK

Gir knocked Zim off of the leading lizard that let out a vicious roar as it turned to eat the Irken and robot. Only Zim was a bit too fast, and he managed to dodge the teeth. Then one by one the lizards began to explode until everything was covered in gooey organs and green slime.

"Ughh..." Miyuki stared at the mess. "My stage... my... everything! Zim!"

The small would-be invader regarded her as he wiped some of the goo off his uniform.

"You wrecked my stuff!"

"Yes, yes I did," Zim grinned. "I'm amazing!"

"Wheee!" Gir squealed as he lay in the slime and began rapidly moving his arms and legs. "I'm makin' angels!"

"Why did they suddenly explode like that?" Dwicky asked.

"I think he put a bomb in them," Prisoner 777 answered.

"Would you two stop moving around so much?" Tak growled.

"Sorry," Prisoner 777 spoke.

"I just had a thought!" Professor Membrane exclaimed, raising his index finger dramatically, and almost whacking Purple in the face. "How are we going to get out?"

"I uh... hadn't thought of that..." Dwicky admitted.

Tak tried to move first, but she was being pinned in by the other two judges. "One of you will have to move before I can," she told them.

"Hang on..." Dwicky tried, but he was stuck between Tak and the Professor. "I... I can't..." he breathed.

"Oh great... don't tell me we're stuck in here..." Red said, not sounding very happy. He was wedged between Purple and the side of the desk.

"Alright, I won't tell you, but I think we are," Purple responded.

Miyuki smacked herself in the forehead. "Dib, Zim, help me gather some slime."

Dib slid down the curtain and landed easily on the stage. He looked over at the audience and was amazed to see Gaz was still sitting in her seat even though everyone around her was rolling on the floor or completely unconscious. She was wearing rain boots and hand an open umbrella set up to protect her from the slime.

A short while later, once everyone was free and almost everyone was awake and present, Miyuki grabbed the magically appearing hat and thrust it towards Gir. "You choose," she told him.

"Yaaay!" the robot began flinging pieces of paper everywhere until only one remained inside the hat. Miyuki quickly snatched it away from the robot and opened it up.

"Can you do Whose Line?" She squinted at the paper before rolling it up and tossing it away. "Was that a request or a title... and what the heck is a "whose line?"

"Oh boy! I love that show!" Duxi cheered as he poofed into the room.

"You! I ordered you dead!" Miyuki insisted, jabbing a finger at him.

"I was horribly maimed! But you can't really kill me. It just doesn't work."

"Fine..." she glowered at him for a while before turning to the secret service hiding behind the audience. "You guys. Maim him again."

"Noooo!" Duxi squealed, latching onto Red's arm. "She's so mean! All I did was accidentally bring the lizards back to life! It could have happened to anyone!"

"Yeah... ok. Get off," Red told him in annoyance.

"You need me to explain the game!" Duxi tried desperately as the Irken security came to pry him off their leader. "I can tell you all about it!"

"So can google," Miyuki informed him wryly.

"I'm starting to feel bad for him," Shloonktapooxis admitted.

"I like games!" Gir squealed. "I wanna throw a samich!"

"Everything is covered in green slime!" Duxi shouted, clinging to Red for dear life. "You need me to clean! For free! Everything! Faster than anyone else! I'm useful!"

Now he had a valid point.

"Fine," Miyuki said, motioning the security away. "Start cleaning, and explain to everyone what a "Whose Line" is."

As soon as the Irken secret service withdrew, Duxi breathed a sigh of relief and unattached himself from Red's arm. He summoned his mop and bucket and began cleaning off the stage. "It's a fake game show about doing impromptu acting."

"Wait wait wait... Impromptu acting? What is that?"

"People make up suggestions or whatever, and the 'players' have to act them out on the spot. But since all the actors are usually guys, sometimes they have to play girls and then they awkwardly kiss each other and it's really funny."

Red and Purple gave each other strange looks.

Shloonktapooxis blinked. Dib stared. Zim let out a laugh which turned into a cackle, and he shook his head. "Foolish pathetic hyuman entertainment!"

Professor Membrane rubbed his chin through his neckband, Lard Nar sighed, and Gir ran around in happy little circles.

"I don't really get the whole acting thing," Miyuki admitted.

"It's just pretending to be someone you aren't really," Dib tried to explain.

"HA! That's what makes it pathetic and weak brain mush!" Zim remarked.

"I watched it!" Gir suddenly remembered.

"You see my point!?" Zim gestured to his robot.

"Ok but..." Miyuki tried.

"Brain mush I say!" Zim exclaimed.

"But..."

"I am Zim!"

"Shut up Zim!" Miyuki snapped. "I'm trying to ask the Earth-boy a question!" She glared at him before returning her attention to Dib. "But how are you supposed to pretend to be someone you're not?"

"Um..."

"You mean you dress up like them?" Purple questioned, raising an antenna.

"Haven't you ever mimicked someone to make fun of them?" Dib asked.

"Ohhh," Red, Purple, and Miyuki said all at once.

"That makes sense," the host agreed with a nod.

"Well if that's all it is, that shouldn't be difficult," Red decided.

Dib glanced over at Shloonktapooxis and Lard Nar, wondering if acting was something outside of alien knowledge. The Vortian caught him looking and guessed what the boy was thinking.

"I know what acting is," Lard Nar said. "Irkens personalities are downloaded into their paks.. and since they're a militaristic society, their job selection is limited... there's coding and whatever involved."

"Yeah, and they also lack empathy," Duxi remarked, eyeing Miyuki.

"I'm working on my empathy thank you," Miyuki informed her helper as she crossed her arms. "And Invaders do this 'acting' thing all the time. They have to pretend to be filt..." She glanced at the audience. "I mean... just aliens."

"You were going to say filthy," Lard Nar commented.

"Shut up," Miyuki told him. "I'm also working on my social skills ok? Don't judge me."

"So... how does Miyuki have a personality without her pak?" Dib enquired, and everyone fell silent.

"I thought her personality was messed up," Purple commented after a while.

"You shouldn't happen!" Zim agreed pointing accusingly at Miyuki.

"You know... I never really questioned why or how," Miyuki responded, looking thoughtful. "Technically ghosts shouldn't have personalities anyway... "

"Are you sure you're dead?" Dib questioned.

"Yes yes, I've already had several days of therapy for this," Miyuki responded, waving dismissively. "None of you could even see me before you were brought into this dimension. Do you know how long I haunted the Massive? At least six weeks. When that didn't work out I haunted Vort lab 9 until the invasion. Then I left to wander the galaxy. Now I'm here."

"Ok then..." Red flicked an antenna forward. "Let's just get this over with..."

"Duxi can host this since he knows the game," Miyuki decided, tossing the microphone to her giddy helper who already had the stage cleared off. "I'm taking a nap. Wake me when it's over."

"Are you sure leaving him in charge is a good idea...?" Purple asked.

"It's a terrible idea, but I want a break," Miyuki replied. "The judges will help out if things go horribly wrong. Right judges?" She turned to the judge's table. Tak shrugged, Dwicky snored slumped over in his seat, and Prisoner 777 gave her a thumbs up.

"There you go."

She headed to the area behind the stage as Duxi leaped onto the judge's table, startling Dwicky awake.

"Who what where?" the former counsellor sputtered before falling out of his seat.

"This is going to be so much fun!" Duxi gushed.

"Anyone else scared?" Shloonktapooxis asked, staring at the Vortian poser.

"Yup," Purple replied.

"Kind of..." Dib spoke.

"I think I will be in a moment," Lard Nar said.

"Yay fun!" Gir shouted, waving his arms enthusiastically.

"Oh sure, this will be full of fun," Zim remarked grinning. "And horrible doom!"

"Doooooom!" Gir echoed happily.


	16. Can You Do Whose Line?

**Disclaimer: Nick. owns Invader Zim. Jhonen Vasquez created it. Ect ect. Don't sue me.**

I'll address some of the recent reviews below this chapter.

Yes. I think I will. I also kind of want to whine about computer issues, but I'll resist. For now.

* * *

**Can you Do Whose Line?**

"Hello! And welcome to Fake Whose Line," Duxi greeted the cameras. He was sitting at the judges table, holding onto a bunch of cue-cards that appeared to be just for show because he wasn't reading them at all.

The judges had been forced into the audience. Tak sat with the Invaders, Prisoner 777 joined his fellow prisoners, and Dwicky claimed a seat next to his Plookesian friends.

"I'm the host, and I'll be giving out fake not real points to whoever I want! The winner gets to do something I haven't thought of yet. Ok! Let's get this things started with a game called "Let's Make a Date!" He eyed all the contestants mischievously. "Remember, the faster the bachelorette guesses, the faster you can eat the snacks I got to bribe you all! You also have to stay out here until he guesses close to what you are, and I can keep you out here for decades if I have to, so make sure your acting is really really good!"

The contestants were all seated on stools across the stage. Professor Membrane was sitting apart from the others.

"Membrane-"

"That's Professor Membrane, strange hyperactive child," the Professor corrected him.

"You're the bachelorette."

"Well I don't have much time for dating when there's science to do!"

"No no, I mean, you're playing the bachelorette..." Duxi gave him an odd look. "You did hear me say bachelorette right?" He turned to the others. "And you guys are the possible dates." Envelopes fell from the ceiling and landed on each of them. "Each of you will have a strange quirk that Membrane will have to guess." He grinned as they all opened their envelopes. "Alright, you can start whenever you're ready Professor!"

Membrane raised a brow as he folded his legs and leaned forward a bit. "So I'm supposed to act like a single female on this show then?"

"Yes," Duxi said with a nod. "And you ask them girly questions. You know, like what colour lipstick they like or what kind of animal is their favorite. Stuff like that."

"Oh come on..." Dib commented dropping his paper in disbelief.

"Eh..." Red squinted an eye at the description of his character. "Could be worse."

"Huh," Professor Membrane sat up straight. "Ok..." he cleared his throat and turned to Gir who was sitting closest to him. "So... Bachelor number one."

"HIIII!" Gir squealed, waving. He swallowed up his envelope and grinned.

"Yes, Hi."

"Hiiii!" Gir shouted, waving harder.

"Um yes... anyway."

"Hiiii!"

"Gir, your acting thing," Duxi whispered into the microphone so everyone could hear anyway. "Do that."

"Ok!" the crazy SIR remarked, dropping out of his chair and flailing around. "Blaaarghhh!"

The other contestants gave Gir strange looks.

"Good luck trying to figure that one out," Purple commented.

"Alright..." Professor Membrane switched his attention to Shloonktapooxis who was hovering over the stool beside Gir's. "Bachelor two. If I was feeling horribly ill!" He reached out and curled his fingers dramatically. "How would you comfort me?"

"Well I guess I'd come over and maybe bring some... some... woooooe!" he started spinning rapidly down to the floor. "Gooodbyyyeee glub glub glub."

"Hm... I like your style!" Professor Membrane commented, pointing at him abruptly before regarding the next bachelor. "Bachelor three. What are you looking for in a woman?"

Dib let out a sigh. These contests were reaching a whole new level of awkward. "Well... I reckon I ain't be lookin' for no woman."

"Interesting... I'm not too sure how I should take that," professor Membrane commented, turning the the fourth one. "Bachelor four, where would you take me on our first date?"

Purple sat up a bit straighter. "Date...? Well I uh... you?" He glanced at Duxi briefly. "Well uh..." he turned back to the energy creature, his eyes lingering on the host. "I don't think it's going to work out between us."

He suddenly got up from his chair and walked over to the judge's table. "Hey... I just noticed you from over there," he gestured vaguely towards the stage. "You're... not at all horrible. Actually you look... um... ok I guess."

"Thanks! I do ab work-outs!" Duxi remarked, smiling happily.

Purple seated himself close-ish to the host. "I think I'm going to stay over here."

"Ah, well it looks like he's already got himself a date" Professor Membrane commented as his gaze shifted to the next bachelor. "Number five, what are your hobbies?"

Lard Nar smiled and reached to touch Red's hand. "My hobbies are, I guess you could say... having a good time," he spoke in a silky voice.

"AHHHH!" Red shrieked, recoiling away from Lard Nar.

"Er... was that a real reaction of a fake one?" Lard Nar questioned, flinching.

"Ahhhh!" Red continued to scream as he inched away from the Vortian. His elbow tapped Zim, and he spun around to face the small invader. "Ahhh!" he pointed and screamed again before sliding off his stool and running into the area behind the stage.

Duxi laughed and clapped his hands. "He's totally cheating and getting into the snacks right now I bet!"

Gir's movements became more like flopping as he continued his 'act.' "Lookit meee! Look! I'm floppy!"

"I see I see," Professor Membrane rubbed his chin through his neckband and nodded. "Bachelor seven. What is the thing you want most?"

"To crush the meat-brains of you pitiful dirt-beasts!" Zim remarked, leaping onto his stool. "Err... I mean..." he sat back down. "GET OUT OF ZIM'S WAY YOU SLOW... THING!"

"From the looks of it, you need anger management bachelor seven."

"Lies!"

Professor Membrane clasped his hands together. "Ok... so bachelor one."

"Eeee!" Gir squealed, flopping around.

"What's your favorite activity?"

"I'mma splash youuu!" the crazy SIR remarked, flopping closer to the Professor.

"I'm a fan of synchronized swimming myself," Membrane said.

"Soooo... can you guess who he is?" Duxi prompted.

"I think he's some type of Osteichthyes," he replied.

"Can you say that in simple words?"

"He's a fish."

"More specific?"

"Well I can't really tell what type of Osteic.."

"No no, what's he doing?"

"Uh..." Membrane stared at Gir who was still bouncing around on his side. "Flopping?"

"I'm a floppy fish!" Gir cheered.

"That's close enough," Duxi decided grinning. "You can go have candy now Gir!"

"YAY CANDY!" Gir shouted, jumping up and running towards the energy creature.

"No no no!" Duxi made the referee's stop sign. "In the back, the baaack." He pointed towards the back of the stage where Red had run off to.

"I'm gunna eat until I explode!" Gir announced before dashing behind the stage.

"Augh! They're back here now too!" Red shouted in panic, though he didn't reappear.

Duxi deflated in his chair. "That was close," he said as he rested his head against the table. "I do not want to end up inside that robot again! At least not right now."

Purple chuckled. "Aw, you're so cute when you do that."

"That's so sweet! If I wasn't a completely genderless energy creature that has absolutely no sexual drive, I'd totally marry you," Duxi remarked, leaning against Purple's arm.

"Ugh..." Purple tried to keep his smile and not recoil in disgust. "Yeah well... that's too bad..."

"Bachelor two... I'm guessing you probably can't answer any more of my questions because you just went down a drain or something right?" Professor Membrane spoke.

"It was a toilet," Duxi informed him, sitting up straight. "But that's close enough. You're free Shlopo!"

"Woo hoo! Alright," Shloonktapooxis remarked as he floated up off the floor and drifted into the back.

"Not another one! AHH!" Red's voice echoed from off stage, over the sounds of obvious munching.

"Shlopo, I like that name," Duxi decided.

"Bachelor three..." Professor Membrane crossed his legs and folded his hands. "If you were going to take me on a trip, where would it be?"

"Er... well I cain't be goin' far 'cause of the cattle... But Texas ain't a bad spot..." he squinted a bit. "Are ya a man or a woman anyway?"

Professor Membrane chuckled and fanned himself with his hand. "Does it matter bachelor three?"

"It matters."

"Oh I got it now! You're a homosexual country fellow."

Gaz smirked without looking away from her game.

"Yeah," Dib sighed as he slid down off his stool. "I can go now right?"

"Yuuup!" Duxi replied. "Go little sparrow, be free!"

"Ok then..." Dib said, giving the host a weird look before walking into the back area.

As soon as he was gone, Red rushed out and found a seat in the audience next to some Meekrob. Breathing a sigh of relief, he eyed the other contestants distrustfully. "All of you just stay away from me!"

"Bachelor four," Profesor Membrane turned to look at Purple who was still sitting beside Duxi at the judge's table. "You're dating the host aren't you?"

"Well... not really..." Purple said, glancing at Duxi.

"Yeah, I turned him down," Duxi remarked. "It was a painful heart-wrenching experience, but I'm sure he'll get over it one day! Guess again."

"He has very strong emotional feelings for you?" Professor Membrane tried.

"Use the l word human, for Irk sakes," Purple spoke, dropping his head down on the table.

"Oh. He loves you," Professor Membrane stated, pointing at Duxi.

"Yup that's right!" Duxi said with a nod. "He's hopelessly in love with me, poor guy!"

"Yup uh huh," Purple responded, perking up. "Can I go now?"

"Sure," Duxi replied, and Purple left.

"Bachelor five," Professor Membrane switched his attention to Lard Nar. "I'm a romantic at heart!" he announced. "So! If you were going to do something romantic for me, what would it be?!"

"Well I'm a pretty good at writing long boring proposals for my boss, so I could probably type you a poem after work sometime," Lard Nar responded. "That's what I did for my last three love interests... Oh! Excuse me for a moment, I'm getting a call," he pretended to pull out a communicator. "Hi Dievo, Oh sorry, Ricky, silly me," he covered his mouth and chuckled. "You've really got to stop calling me at the office you silly boy." He pretended to listen while checking his nails. "Uh huh. Yeah? Six thirty sounds good sweetie, see you then."

He returned the invisible communicator to its pretend place and smiled. "If you want to go on a date hun, we can go tomorrow around sevenish." he frowned. "No wait, that's when I'm meeting Felif..." he tapped his chin. "Or was his name Ralcon?"

"You ma'am have way too many boyfriends," Professor Membrane commented.

"Close! But not quite!" Duxi stated. "Try again."

"Hmm..."

"What's her profession?"

"She works at an office? Office assistant...? Secretary?"

"Bing bing! That's right!" Duxi remarked jumping up in his chair. "And whaaat is she having trouble with?"

"It appears she's having trouble keeping track of her dates."

"Sure, that's pretty close," Duxi said before regarding Lard Nar. "So do you have a whole bunch of sisters or how did you come up with that?"

"I don't have sisters," Lard Nar responded. "And I'd rather not get into it thanks."

"Ok, now I'm curious. Did you go to acting school?"

"No."

"Ok ok, so... ex girlfriend?"

Lard Nar sighed and shook his head. He slid off his stool. "Stop asking me."

"Then..."

"Can we just chalk this up to me being observant of other people?"

"Nuh uh," Duxi responded, shaking his head. "I want to know!"

"Yeah well, he guessed who I was, I'm free to leave, bye," Lard Nar spoke as he turned and walked away.

"Noooo! COME BACK!" Duxi shouted, but Lard Nar had no intention of returning unless physically forced to. The host sighed. "Aw man. He got away."

"Bachelor six, you seem to be afraid of the other contestants."

"You bet that's right," Red spoke, running a hand through his antennae. He stood up among the aliens who were currently pissed at him and Purple due to losing their homes and becoming enslaved to the Empire. They were glaring at him, but none of them were willing to make a move or say anything.

What good would that do anyway? There were a lot of Irkens in the audience, and they wouldn't sit by while a Meekrob or Vortian or whatever tried to kill their Tallest.

Still. It was just too weird having their enemy sitting casually beside them.

"You really acted like you were freaked out," Duxi commented.

"Being repulsed and being freaked out," Red shrugged. "There's not much difference."

He walked back down the steps and into the area behind the stage.

"True true," Duxi agreed, pushing around his stack of cue-cards as Membrane thought of a question to ask Zim.

"Bachelor seven."

"Eh?" Zim blinked. He'd been zoned out for a while.

"If I was captured and taken away by the IRS for doing illegal experiments on llamas, how would you rescue me?"

"Me?! Rescue you!? Zim wouldn't rescue a dirty Earth monkey!" Zim snapped. He paused, and his voice lowered to a more normal level. "Though I could use those "llamas" to cause incredible destruction and doom. HA!"

"You know... I'm starting to think Zim can't act," Duxi spoke at a random slug crawling up his chair.

Five hours later...

"I just don't know!" Professor Membrane admitted loudly, burying his face in his hands.

"I guess I could give you a tiny hint," Duxi decided, poking the slug that had made its way onto the table.

"Couldn't you have done that earlier...?" One of the Meekrob in the audience questioned.

"Yeah, like you did for everyone else," a Vortian sitting close to the last speaker added.

"Yeah," a human in the fourth row agreed awkwardly.

"I was distracted," Duxi admitted, smiling. "Let's see." He tapped his chin. "You've already got that he's angry. What beverage makes you angry?"

"You mean he's an alcoholic?" Professor Membrane questioned, sitting up.

"Yes, but he's supposed to be doing something," Duxi remarked. "What are you not supposed to do when you're drunk?"

"Mix dangerous chemicals together," Professor Membrane answered immediately. "I mean, drive! He's a drunk driver."

"Yaay!" Duxi applauded. "We got through the first game! Ten points for Membrane for figuring out who everyone was eventually. Six for Dib just because, and another twenty seven for Shlopo! Now for the next game..."

"You mean there's more of this horribleness!?" Zim questioned.

"Of course!"

All of the contestants appeared out of thin air in the middle of the stage.

"Who would have thought candy-land really exists," Dib said as he detached a lollipop from his ankle.

"Oh, so you found the trap door?" Dwicky asked from his place in the audience. "Isn't it neat?"

"It's more like he fell into it," Red commented.

"I played in the chocolate! The bunnies were so happy!" Gir announced.

"Who would have thought chocolate bunnies could be so scary!" Shloonktapooxis spoke, and his tongue poked out of the corner of his mouth.

"And that's one adventure the people will never know about," Duxi remarked, tapping his cards on the table. "So the next game is called Questions Only! You can only speak in questions. You can't take too long either or I'll buzz you out." He set a giant buzzer on the table. "Four of you go to the left, and four to the right. Purple and Shlopo, you start."

"Can we leave once we're buzzed out?" Purple questioned, sounding hopeful.

"Ha ha! Weeeell... I don't want you guys to be too eager to book it out of here," Duxi told him mischievously. A giant tank of sharks dropped from the ceiling and landed just off stage near some of the audience. "So when you get buzzed out you'll be tossed in there!"

"Oh boy..." Shloonktapooxis stared at the ravenous creature swimming around in the tank. He swallowed. "So um... are we starting now?"

"First we need a scene," Duxi replied, switching his attention to the audience. "Where are they and what are they doing?"

"Lost in a jungle!" someone called out.

"That'll work," Duxi remarked, picking up the slug on the table and fixing his cards so they were stacked neatly. "Go for it guys."

Purple and Shloonktapooxis looked at each other for a moment, unsure of who should start.

"Where are we?" Purple asked after a while.

"Are we lost?" Shloonktapooxis questioned.

"Is this your fault?" Purple retorted cheekily, placing a hand on his hip.

"How would it be my fault?" Shloonktapooxis blinked.

"Weren't you driving?" he gestured to where their imagined ship or something was parked.

"How can I drive?" Shloonktapooxis asked, looking down at himself.

"Who was driving then?"

"Er... How would I know that?"

"Couldn't you see who it was?"

"I uh... oh..."

BEEP!

"You're outta there!" Duxi remarked, now sporting an umpire's outfit. A large claw shot out from underneath the shark-tank, clamped around Shloonktapooxis, and dragged him into the water.

Purple's antennae flattened, and everyone winced as the sharks began feeding on the cone-shaped alien.

Membrane and Red refused to step up, so Gir bounced in.

"Whatcha doin'!?" He asked rocking back and forth, grinning.

"What happened to the ship?" Purple asked.

"It exploded!" Gir replied giddily.

Beep!

The claw snapped up the robot and dragged him into the tank to meet the sharks.

"Good job surviving so far Purple!" Duxi cheered. His eyes fell on Red and Membrane. "Well if no one on that side wants to go... Lard Nar! Your turn!"

"This is because I wouldn't answer your question from before isn't it?" the leader of the Resisity asked. He let out a sigh as he took his place across from Purple.

"You can do it my Tallest! Make him suffer the terrible fate of the fish monsters!" Zim cheered.

One of Purple's eyes twitched in irritation.

"You do realize only one of us won't end up getting eaten by those things right?" Dib questioned the would be invader.

"Of course Dib stink! And that one will be Zim!" He cackled. "I can't wait to see you stuffing those creature's bellies with your large head!"

"You're the one that's going to get eaten space-jerk!"

"Ha! I laugh at your pitiful attempt at huumor!"

"If you guys keep arguing I'll bring out some fanfics about you two!" Duxi remarked, as his laptop appeared in a poof of smoke. He held it up threateningly.

"You're lying!" Zim shouted, pointing a finger at the host. Dib shut up immediately.

"And with that awkwardness, let's keep the game going!" Duxi announced.

Both Purple and Lard Nar were looking around the room, trying not to focus on the fact they were most likely going to end up shark food.

"Go on," Duxi encouraged them.

"Where did our guide go?" Lard Nar asked, returning his gaze to the Tallest.

"Didn't he say he was going to find help?"

"Do you think he got eaten by something?"

"How long has it been since he left?"

"Didn't he leave about an hour ago?"

"Has it only been an hour?"

"How far do you think it is to civilization?"

Purple couldn't come up with a question quite quick enough, and he was tossed into the tank.

"Gooo Professor Membrane!" Duxi remarked, petting his new little pet slug he just decided to keep.

The older human stepped forward.

"Can you tell me how to find a trail?" Professor Membrane asked.

"Did you see one somewhere?" Lard Nar questioned, looking from left to right.

"How thick is this jungle?"

"Does it seem like I'd know?"

"Aren't you the guide?"

The leader of the Resisty raised an invisible brow. "Do I look like the guide?"

"Do you think it will rain?"

Lard Nar glanced up at the ceiling. "Can't you see the sky?"

"Well I... er..." Professor Membrane fumbled.

Beep!

The claw came and left with the Professor in its clutches.

Red decided to step forward without any prompt from the host. He smirked down at the Vortian, planning to get revenge for Purple's defeat.

"Are we still lost?" he asked.

"Well... do you know where we are?" Lard Nar questioned with a scowl.

"How did we land up here?"

"Didn't you see the fire?"

"Wasn't there a lot of smoke?"

"Why are you asking me that?"

"Didn't you say there was a fire?"

Lard Nar held his head. "How can I remember at a time like this...?"

"Shouldn't we have a stock of supplies somewhere?"

"Did you see any?"

"Didn't you see the storage compartment?"

"How would I know where that is?"

Red knew what he was doing. "Weren't you the one who built it?" he asked, knowing that as a Vortian, Lard Nar would probably put too much thought into answering this question.

"I..." Lard Nar froze. Shoot.

Beeeep!

The buzzer sounded, and the claw jolted out of its compartment, snatched up the Vortian, and tossed him into the tank to be eaten by sharks.

"Why hasn't there been any screaming?" Dib asked.

"It's sound proof silly," Duxi replied simply. "Same reason you don't hear any splashing! You're up."

Dib took a few steps forward and turned to face Irk's leader. He swallowed. Hopefully his experience of asking a lot of annoying questions over the years would help him.

He decided to start out with a basic question. "How's it going?" he asked.

"What do you mean?" Red questioned, looking down at the boy.

"Why don't you understand what I mean?"

"How could I understand when you won't elaborate on the question?"

Dib raised a brow. "Why do I have to elaborate?"

"Do you know where we are?"

"What does that have to do with my last question?"

Red gestured. "Can't you see I'm moving on?"

Dib sighed. "Why did I go with you?"

"Have you always been this forgetful?"

"Why do you want to know?

"Can't I ask you a simple question?"

"Isn't there anyone else on this trip?"

"Have you seen anyone else?"

Dib pointed at his glasses. "Can't you see I'm mostly blind?"

"What happened to your eyes?"

"Will you dislike it if I tell you not to ask me about that?"

"Why don't you want to talk about it?"

Dib folded his arms and looked away. "Can you just stop bringing it up?"

"Was it a hunting accident?"

Dib blinked and ten gave the Tallest a weirded-out look. "Why would you think it was a hunting accident?"

Red chuckled, remembering a funny incident with two drones and some kind of strange outer space larva of some kind. "Ok I'm out," he admitted.

Beep!

The claw crawled out of its spot, snatched up Red, and hauled him into the tank. A shark went flying out a few seconds later. It landed flailing in the audience with blood on its teeth and a giant dent in its nose.

"You know... if you aren't careful, PETA might come back..." Prisoner 777 spoke up from his seat.

"That's a risk I'm willing to take!" Duxi said as the claw grabbed the shark and dropped it back into the tank. A couple moments later, the same shark was flung out again. "I guess Red is putting up a bit of a fight," Duxi grinned. "Zim, it's your turn!"

"You aren't just going to leave that thing in the audience are you?" an alien with a screw in its head questioned, eyeing the shark warily.

"He'll be fine, just lift your legs up a bit so he doesn't bite your feet off," Duxi replied.

Zim strode towards the Dib and stopped a few feet from the human.

"How did you get here?" Dib asked.

"Didn't you see Zim on the ship-thing worm filthy?"

"Were you lying when you said you didn't like jungles then?"

"When did Zim say he didn't like jungles stink-beast!?"

"Didn't you say that yesterday?"

"Is your head full of brain worms hyuuman!?"

"Are you denying you said that!?" Dib said more forcefully. It wasn't too difficult to break Zim's concentration.

"You're lying Dib-beast!" Zim insisted, jabbing a finger at the human.

BEEP!

"Time for the next game!" Duxi announced.

"Wait a minute... aren't you going to throw Zim into the tank?" Dib asked.

"Huh?" Duxi blinked. "Oh gosh no." He checked a watch that appeared on his wrist. "I don't know when Miyuki is going to wake up, so we have to move on."

"So that thing you said about keeping us here for decades?" Zim questioned, squinting an eye.

"That was a lie!" Duxi admitted, rubbing the back of his head.

"Why is Miyuki sleeping when she's a ghost and doesn't need to?" Dib asked.

Duxi looked at him and grinned. "You're good!"

"Wait... what?"

A giant sheet fell over the large fish-tank. Duxi hopped down from his seat, carrying his pet slug, and reached for a corner. "Aaaand," he pulled off the sheet.

The tank was gone. In its place were the six dripping and trembling contestants who had previously been devoured by the sharks. "They're fine!"

"Yeah, we're fine," Red snorted. His antennae flattening irritably. "And guess what?"

"What?" Duxi asked, smiling innocently, until Red's Pak torches burned him to a crisp. He blinked, scorched beyond recognition, and fell over.

"The super glue finally wore off," Red informed him, smirking.

"Thank you," Purple said as he wrapped his arms over is midsection and winced.

"You ok?" Red asked, eyeing his companion.

"Yeah... the flashbacks will stop soon... I think..."

"It feels good to have all my limbs again," Professor Membrane commented, stretching a bit.

"Dad... you've been dying pretty frequently... are you ok?" Dib asked.

"Yes son, never better," Professor Membrane commented. "I never realized how twisted my subconscious really is, but don't worry, I'll find a way to fix myself as soon as I wake up." He clenched his hand into a fist and brought it close to his face dramatically. "The insanity shall not spread!"

Dib face-palmed.

"I wish I could believe this was a dream..." Lard Nar spoke, sighing.

Duxi popped in and out of the dimension. When he reappeared, he looked perfectly normal again. "You still got to tell me where you got your girly acting from!" the host insisted.

"You're really the only one who cares about that," Red told the annoying Vortian poser. "Try watching any soap opera on TV. There are plenty of annoying women creatures in those shows."

"Closet soap-opera junky?" Duxi questioned.

"I'm ignoring you now," Lard Nar informed the energy being.

"Forty nine points to that ceiling fan!" he pointed up at a random ceiling fan that ad appeared all of a sudden for no reason above the stage. "It's time for the next contest!"

"I liked the little fishes!" Gir remarked loudly, before rushing over to the dead shark in the audience and giving it a hug.

"The next game is!"

"WAFFLES!" Gir shrieked.

"Nope! Super heroes!"

"I WANNA BE A SUPER HERO! LIKE PIZZAMAN!" Gir shouted loudly, dashing back and forth across the stage.

"Seriously Zim, doesn't that thing ever short it's self out?" Red asked.

"No, Gir takes too many naps for that... although he does occasionally explode," Zim replied, shrugging.

"And that doesn't affect you, like at all?" Purple questioned. Even though he and Red gave the robot to him as a joke, they doubted any of the other Irkens would have held onto it for very long considering Gir's destructive nature. Then again, Zim also had a destructive nature...

"Gir's insanity aside," Duxi spoke, regaining everyone's attention. "This next game starts with a super hero trying to solve a problem of some sort." He glanced over the contestants. "Shlopo, you can start! Now I'll ask the audience what kind of super hero you'll be, and what problem you need to solve! Once that's done, another contestant will jump into the scene to help out, and you can make up a name for them, got it?"

"Actually..." Shloonktapooxis began, sounding unsure.

"Good!" Duxi continued undetoured. He turned to the audience with his slug buddy rolling across his shoulder. "What would be a weird name for a super hero?" He looked expectantly at the humans since not everyone else would know what a super-hero was. The Plookesians had some idea due to their extensive travelling, and the porn eating aliens did as well because of eighteen and up reasons that couldn't be mentioned.

"Ice-cube man!" some random person in the audience yelled.

"And what kind of super hero thing is he doing?" Duxi questioned, looking back and forth, hoping to spot the next speaker.

"Trying not to melt!" someone else remarked.

"Works for me," Duxi replied after failing once again to locate whoever was talking. His attention returned to the cone-shaped contestant. "Ok. Start."

Shloonktapooxis blinked. "Umm… you mean now?"

"Yes!"

"What do I do?"

"You're trying to keep yourself from melting."

"Oh…" Shloonktapooxis looked up at the ceiling. His gaze wandered over the audience. "So… how do I do that?"

"You can use thiiiis!" Gir remarked tossing a giant plug onto the stage.

"Hey! Where did you get that?" Duxi asked.

"Up there!" Gir announced, pointing at the ceiling. There was a giant hole right over the stage.

"That's odd…" Duxi rubbed his chin. "The plug wasn't there earlier, I'm pretty sure."

"That's nice and everything, but I'm kind of getting bored of standing around…" Red remarked. One of his antennae flicked back in irritation as Zim continued talking about something stupid. Both Tallest were trying to tune him out. "Could we just get this over with so we can move onto the next horrible thing Miyuki has for us?"

"You don't like my game…?" Duxi asked, tearing up.

"It's not even 'your game," Dib insisted. "You stole it off of a television show!"

The Vortian poser grinned. "Yes I did!"

Splish.

Some water fell onto the stage, and everyone's attention turned to the large hole in the ceiling.

"That water didn't just come from there did it?" Purple questioned.

"It did," Tak responded from where she sat in the audience.

"What's that?" Zim asked, suddenly becoming aware that the Tallest had 'stopped' listening to him.

FLOOOOOOOSHH!

A ton of water rushed in from above, flooding the building. First the contestants were knocked off the stage into the audience, and then the room started to fill up to the ceiling. Many of the Irkens in the audience struggled to stay afloat with their heavy paks weighing them down. Some guy drowned. Other aliens bobbed around in the water.

"That was lucky," Purple commented. He and Red were clinging to the judge's table to keep themselves afloat. "Do you think Zim died?"

"Of course he didn't," Red grumbled.

"WEEE! I'M SWIMMIN'" Gir shrieked as he paddled around.

"How are you not sinking?" Dib asked the metal robot. He was treading water carefully, trying not to use too much energy because who knew how long they would have to swim?

"I got air in me!" Gir replied cheerfully.

"Well… that makes sense…"

"And ballooons!"

"Have you seen your sister?' Professor Membrane asked, swimming past his son.

Dib sighed. "No dad, I just surfaced."

"I see," He continued to paddle around. "I'm sure she'll be fine."

Duxi emerged from the depths wearing goggles and a snorkel. Gaz surfaced with him. Her wet hair fell over her face, and she grumbled in annoyance.

Shloonktapooxis was nearby. He was having a hard time floating without turning over and over.

Then the energy being making up the wall decided it didn't like being wet and vanished. This caused the water to burst into the abyss, carrying everyone along with it.

* * *

**Author's note****s/replying to reviews****:** I debated whether or not I should write about their small adventure to candy-land, but I decided against it, at least for now. I will mention one thing about it though; those cute chocolate bunnies are dangerous and shouldn't be played with.

Who will survive the flood? Find out next chapter!

To nightmaster000: I don't think Duxi did too badly considering its him and everything. I think he does a bit better with supervision though.

To cryptologicalMystic: Yes they were doomed very nicely.

TallestCora: I spent days in the "Whose Line" section of Youtube before I wrote this chapter. It was awesome in a 'please help me escape' kind of way. Sorry they didn't quite get to the scenes with a hat before the flood happened.

Pechkapesh: Thanks! I'm sure Miyuki would appreciate hearing that considering the contestants aren't always very cooperative. I'm not sure how I'd write everyone being together in a normal house without the crazy supernatural stuff. I think all of the windows would need to be barred, and the walls would have to be super thick and probably made out of some kind of reinforced steel, also the door would need to be dead-bolted shut and made out of an indestructible material. The floors and ceiling also. I don't trust Zim not to destroy stuff.


	17. Trapped in the Abyss

Author's Notes: You can expect more character death, death threats, and maulings. You know, the usual.

* * *

**Trapped in the Abyss**

"Duxi…" the rather wet and agitated former leader of Irk muttered.

"Yes?" her energy helper replied.

"How the heck did you manage to flood the entire building AND most of the abyss?"

"Weeell… there was this plug you see… and when it was removed water started pouring in from somewhere…"

"I did it myself!" Gir announced, sounding pleased.

"This is just great…" Zim mumbled as he dislodged himself from the palm tree he smacked into. He brushed his antennae back and turned to his crazy SIR unit. "Gir! You need to stop grabbing random objects at once!" He curled his fingers dramatically. "I command youu."

"But they're so pretty!"

"Yes, sometimes they are…." Zim admitted. "Wait! I don't care if they're pretty!"

Dib had ended up on top of the palm tree while everyone else managed to cram onto the small desert island. Prisoner 777 was standing in the water since he didn't want to compete for dry land. Besides, it wasn't like there were any sharks or anything… was there?

"I'm sorry!" Duxi blurted while Miyuki strangled him to relieve her anger.

"This is why we have a host!" She shouted tightening her grip around his neck. "You're supposed to stop this from happening!"

"But you didn't really do a good job stopping those lizards from before," Prisoner 777 reminded her.

"You…" Miyuki glowered at the pink Vortian. "Shut up."

"Sorry…"

"It's the truth," Lard Nar spoke. He was standing close to the palm tree. "Besides, it was your idea to put Duxi in charge."

"Oh, so now this whole water fiasco is suddenly my fault?" Miyuki questioned, releasing the energy creature that fell flat on his face. She stood up straight and scowled at the leader of the Resisty.

"It's not entirely your fault…" Prisoner 777 offered.

"Didn't I just tell you to stop speaking?"

"Yeah… erm…"

"Would you stop bossing him around?" Lard Nar questioned her irritably.

"I'm his boss! It's my job to boss him around!" Miyuki snapped.

"And me," Duxi added, pointing at himself. "You get to boss me around too."

Miyuki smacked herself in the face, wishing she was somewhere else.

"Yeah, that's great you get to boss people around and whatever, but I have a question," Red began. He was almost standing in the water. "How the heck are we supposed to get out of here?"

"Just jump right in," Duxi answered, hopping into the ocean.

"Ok…" Red's eye twitched. "But seriously… how are we supposed to leave this place? Like the whole dimension… permanently. "

"OH MY GOSH THERE'S SHARKS IN HERE!" Duxi shrieked before getting pulled under water.

Prisoner 777 winced and cast a hopeful glance at the small island. Unfortunately there wasn't too much room to spare, and Miyuki was looking ticked off and the only space available was right next to her, and heck it was better to stay in the water…

Purple was standing a bit higher up on the sand and a bit too close to Zim for his liking. "I just hope we're not stuck here forever or something…" he said.

"We won't be stuck here forever," Miyuki insisted.

"Well, it could always be worse I suppose," Professor Membrane remarked, rubbing his chin through the fabric. He was standing on the opposite part of the island Miyuki was on.

"Yay! Can I explode yet!?" Gir asked loudly.

"No!" Zim, Purple, Red, Dib and Miyuki all shouted.

"I'm going to throw that thing into the water," Red grumbled.

"You can my Tallest, but he'll just keep coming back," Zim informed his leader.

"Ok, stop talking about throwing each other to the sharks and concentrate for a moment," Miyuki told them.

"I was just thinking about throwing the robot in the water… but now that you mention it," Red's gaze shifted to Zim. "There are other people I wouldn't mind using as shark food right now."

"We're trapped on a desert island, in the middle of a flooded abyss that's supposed to go on forever, without any food or drinkable water, and you're talking about killing each other?" Miyuki questioned in exasperation.

Red shrugged. "There'd be more room."

"I see your point," Miyuki replied with a nod. She was also feeling a bit crowded. "Feel free."

"Um... do you think I could maybe…?" Prisoner 777 ventured, glancing from the water around his legs to the island. "You know…?"

"I want to lie down Seven," Miyuki stated as she lay on the small little patch of sand she had. "I can't lie down if you're standing here."

"You're going to let him get eaten by sharks so you have a place to lie down?" Lard Nar spoke in disbelief.

"Yes," Miyuki replied waving him away. "I'm still pretty tired."

"You're a ghost! You don't even need to be on the island in the first place!" Dib exclaimed.

"Yeah, can't you float?" Purple asked. "Like that guy?" he pointed at Shloonktapooxis who was hovering over the water near Professor Membrane.

"Like I'm going to expend all that unnecessary energy floating," Miyuki replied, rolling her eyes.

"How typical. I guess an Irken is still an Irken, even after death," Lard Nar stated unhappily as he folded his arms over his chest.

"Hey! I don't see any of you even trying to think of a way out of this mess!" She remarked. "And I happen to think much better lying down."

"You say that, but you still haven't said anything amazing," Zim spoke, and he pointed an accusing finger at her.

Duxi scrambled back onto land, looking a bit chewed up. He leaned against Miyuki so he would be out of the water. "Wew… that was painful… probably."

"Get off of me Duxi," Miyuki said, shoving her helper back into the water. The noise attracted the sharks, and Duxi was dragged off again.

"You know… those were probably the sharks from the tank earlier," Shloonktapooxis commented.

"Ugh… don't remind me…" Purple murmured.

"Hold on… The abyss that's supposed to go on forever is flooded, and we happened to land on a random island that's not supposed to exist… unless..." Miyuki began, glancing down at the sand.

"You're welcome," the island replied.

"Spork?"

"Yup."

"Ok… so why can he become things like floors and islands and you can't?" Dib asked.

"Obviously he's had more practice," Miyuki responded. "Besides, my specialty isn't assuming different forms. It's…"

"Being a terrible host?" Purple guessed.

"No."

"Causing senseless destruction and pain?" Lard Nar offered.

"No!" Miyuki exclaimed. She coughed into her hand. "It's leading obviously. I'm a natural born leader."

"Uh huh…" neither of the Tallests looked or sounded convinced.

Gir had started to build a small sandcastle while everyone was talking. No one seemed to notice except Shloonktapooxis.

"Ghosts aren't supposed to be able to become solid mass though…" Dib protested weakly. "It doesn't make any sense."

"We're not on Earth Dib, we're in a freaken alternate dimension," Miyuki informed him. "Stop being so narrow minded and embrace the freedom of not knowing anything."

"Freedom she says," Red commented, resisting the urge to roll his eyes. "Except we're being held here against our wills."

"Now you know what it feels like," Miyuki retorted.

"Someone is getting awfully moody," Purple remarked.

"I was trying to sleep for just a few hours, and I wake up to this," she gestured to the large expanse of water around them. "I am a little bit irritated if you can imagine. Also, Seven, I was joking. Get out of the water."

"Alright," Prisoner 777 readily agreed, walking up to a small patch of free space by Miyuki.

"That wasn't a very funny joke you know," Dib said.

"Look kid, you're being even more annoying than Zim is right now."

"Eh?" the short Irken looked up because he heard his name.

"It's too bad I didn't bring any sunscreen," Professor Membrane noted, shielding his eyes as he gazed towards the sun… sun?

"Where did the sun come from?" Purple asked squinting an eye.

"How am I supposed to know?" Miyuki asked. "And Spork, can you make yourself bigger? It's feeling a bit cramped."

"I can't. Not with the palm tree," Spork admitted.

"And why's that?"

"I'm not quite sure."

Miyuki sighed. "Did you see where the other judges went?" she asked Prisoner 777.

"They floated off some time ago… um…" He looked around and pointed away from the sun. "That direction I think."

"And the audience?"

"Most of them drowned. Well… I think the Meekrob are ok."

"Yeah, they would be," Zim remarked, nodding. "It would have been fun to watch them all squirm like wriggly squirmy things."

The Tallest gave Zim a weirded-outlook.

"Oh," Miyuki checked herself to see if she could find the reverser. It was probably lying at the bottom of the ocean… dead. "Ok… then I guess we have no choice. We'll just have to wait for the energies of the universe to help us out."

"You're going to rely on excess star energy to save us…?" Red questioned, flicking his antennae back.

"Duxi is a really bad representative," Miyuki replied. "Most energy beings aren't like that. Well some aren't like that… there are a few."

"But still. It's excess star energy," Red pressed, not sounding at all convinced.

"We're going to die here," Purple said as a matter-of-fact.

"We aren't going to die here," Miyuki insisted. "You'll see. They'll help us."

"No they won't!" Gir interjected.

A full week later…

"Ok… I'm not sure you remember this because you're a ghost… but some of us actually have to eat and have water to live," Dib spoke. He was lying on top of the palm tree, hardly able to move. Professor Membrane was already dead from dehydration. Fortunately the 'sun' wasn't giving off much heat.

"Ha, your snivelling is pathetic Dib-worm," Zim commented, though he also seemed fairly lethargic. The only reason Dib wasn't dead yet was due to his stubbornness to not die before Zim did.

Somehow that helped him defy the laws of nature.

Shloonktapooxis had given up floating above the water and was drifting away in the large ocean-like expanse. Prisoner 777 was sprawled out beside Miyuki who was cuddling him in her sleep. Both Tallest were sitting down. Red's feet were in the water but he didn't care. The sharks couldn't come this close to land anyway.

Lard Nar was curled up against the trunk of the palm tree, trying to focus. His vision kept blurring. Unfortunately Vortians required food and water too.

"Yeah… she's sleeping…" Purple responded.

"Again..." Red grumbled.

"You know, I could always turn into a boat," the Spork island offered.

Everyone, besides Gir who was swimming in circles around the island, dead-panned.

"I mean it might not help much since this is the abyss and everything, but I could try floating towards the light anyway."

"I don't think you're supposed to go towards the light…" Dib offered, believing something horrible would probably happen.

"We don't really have much of a choice…" Prisoner 777 muttered as he tried to push Tallest Miyuki off of him. For a ghost she was pretty heavy for some reason. "If we stay here much longer, you, me, Lard Nar, and maybe that cone guy are going to be dead in a couple days. Uh… unless he's already dead… the cone guy."

"What about the Irkens?" Dib questioned.

"Oh, we'll die too," Red reassured him. "Just not as fast."

"I might kill myself to make it faster," Purple offered.

Red glared at his fellow Tallest. "We're Irk's leaders Purple. We can't just 'kill ourselves.'"

"Oh right. We don't have the self-destruct things."

"That's not what I meant…"

"I could blow us all up my Tallest," Zim offered, reaching for his self-destruction device.

Purple intercepted him. "I think you've killed enough Tallest in your lifetime thanks!"

"You're welcome," Zim responded, smiling and feeling pleased with himself. "It was no trouble at all."

Red rolled his eyes. Purple breathed a sigh of relief when the small Irken dropped his hands to his sides. Sometimes Zim said the creepiest things.

"Should we vote on what to do?" Prisoner 777 asked since no one seemed to be making a decision.

"What's to vote on?" Red questioned him irritably. "We either stay here and die or head somewhere else and probably still die."

"I vote we try not dying," Purple replied.

"Anyone object to that?" Red questioned.

"No," everyone conscious person on the island responded.

"Meee! I dooo!" Gir shrieked as he leaped out of the water and splashed Zim and the Tallest.

"Gir!" Zim shouted. "Stop taunting the sharks and get back on the island!"

"But I don't wanna!"

"Do it," Zim insisted. "Do it now," he added more sternly.

"Ok!" Gir responded as he crawled back onto land.

Spork shifted his shape into a sail boat, forcing everyone into even closer quarters with each other. Dib was fortunate that the palm tree he was on turned into a crow's nest attached to the mast for the sail.

Miyuki woke up still clinging to Prisoner 777 who she quickly shoved away from her as she sat up. "What's going on?" she asked, looking around.

"We're heading towards the light," Red responded.

"Isn't that usually a bad idea?" she questioned. "That's the last thing I saw before I died… no wait… the last thing I saw was darkness because that stupid worm thing ate all the light."

"Either way, it's better than dying out here," Lard Nar remarked. He was being squished up against the base of the mast. Professor Membrane's corpse was taking up too much room. "I hate to sound insensitive, but I think we should probably toss the professor's body into the ocean."

"Hey, that's my dad," Dib responded.

"Correction Dib-thing. That WAS your dad," Zim remarked, sounding almost pleased.

"I know Dib… but he's taking up a bit of room…" Lard Nar told the boy. He breathed a sigh, knowing there was no nice way he could suggest tossing the man's body away.

"I agree," Purple replied. He was stuck between Red and the corpse. The professor's head was leaning against him in an uncomfortable way. With a shove, he knocked the dead man overboard. "Problem solved."

Prisoner 777 blinked. "Oh… ok then."

"Someone tie a rope to the Professor and Sherlock so we can tow them behind the boat," Miyuki instructed, rubbing her temples.

"I'll do it!" Gir announced; waving his arms in excitement.

Spork made a rope appear, and Lard Nar tied it to the mast while Gir grabbed the other end and dove into the water.

"Why are you trusting the robot to do it?" Dib asked.

"I'm not," Miyuki replied. "It's just no one else is stupid enough to dive into shark infested waters… unless you want to volunteer." She shrugged.

"No, I'm good," Dib responded.

The first thing Gir tied the rope to was a shark. It wasn't very impressed, and it ended up chewing on Gir a bit before spitting him out, dragging the boat in circles, and breaking away.

Then after a quick game of splash everyone on the boat, the dysfunctional SIR unit managed to tie the rope to the two lifeless contestants.

After that, the Spork boat began heading in the direction of the ball of light hanging in the abyss.

"Why…" Duxi groaned as clung to the side of the boat. His clothes were tattered and he was shivering. "Why did you let me get eaten for a whole week like that Miyukiii…?"

"Red, shove him back in the water for me," Miyuki told the crimson eyed Tallest.

"That's not fair…" Duxi whined. "I only took my eyes of the SIR for a second… like you're doing now… and is the water getting closer?"

"I'm sinkin' the ship!" Gir announced, and indeed, he had somehow made a hole in the ship.

"Spork! How did you not notice that!?" Miyuki asked him loudly, gesturing at the hole in the hull.

"Notice what?" the Spork boat questioned.

Miyuki smacked herself in the forehead. "Just fix yourself before we end up in shark infested waters and more contestants die!"

"…Huh? Ok."

Spork made the hole vanish before they could sink into the ocean.

Miyuki ground her teeth, and her antennae flattened in agitation. "Seriously… I should demand more monies for this…"

They continued drifting towards the light, and they stopped to pick up Gaz who was using a few dead aliens as a raft.

"Wasn't that just a tiny bit mean?" Duxi, who refused to let go of the side of the boat, questioned.

"Humph…" the girl folded her arms over her chest and cracked open an eye. "They were dead anyway."

"I'm glad to see you Gaz, but how did you manage to stay alive for so long?" Dib asked.

"Most of the drinks from the concession stand washed up here," she explained in her usual annoyed tone.

"Are there any left?"

"Does it look like there are any left Dib?"

"I missed you fluffy!" Gir shrieked, latching onto Gaz. "I'm gunna love you like a pig!"

Flames spread out from her, and the dysfunctional robot laughed as he caught fire. "Yay! I'm burning pancakes!"

"Yeowch," Purple remarked, recoiling away from the sudden fire. "What the heck?"

Lard Nar raised one of his arms to shield himself from the flames. "How is she doing that…?"

"That… well…" Dib blinked. "I don't know… she's kind of always been able to do that…"

Just as suddenly as the fire appeared, it was quenched. "Let go of me," she said through clenched teeth.

"Let go of the human right now Gir," Zim insisted, grabbing his robot and pulling him off. Gir happily landed on the small Irken.

"Your head's like a pillow!" Gir cheered.

"Enough Gir! Your actions have been… very bad. Now get off of me!"

"Awww…." Gir pouted as he slowly got up.

"Could you guys please refrain from starting any fires while I'm driving," Spork told them. "It's a bit distracting."

"It doesn't really matter," Miyuki commented, breathing a sigh. "It's not like there's anything to crash in—" _clang_ "to…" she buried her face in her hands. "Nevermind…"

"Says the person who can't burn to death…" Lard Nar remarked quietly to himself.

Once Duxi managed to dislodge the Spork ship from some wreckage, they started sailing again.

"Ok… we should try salvaging whatever we can from the water. Duxi, lure one of those sharks closer so we can kill and eat it. Red, Lard Nar, both of you are in charge of killing the shark when it gets close to the boat. Seven, make some netting out of this rope so we can drag it along and hopefully find something left over from the concession stand. Zim, you need to keep a close eye on Gir. Dib, keep watch for anything we might crash into. Purple… keep an eye on Zim."

"Gir shouldn't cause any problems for now," Zim notified the host, gesturing at the small robot sleeping on the deck.

"I… I don't think…" Dib began as he tried to pull himself into a proper sitting position. He sank back down. "I can't move…"

"Right, that's swell," Miyuki told him dismissively. "Is there anyone else who's going to have problems doing their tasks?"

There was no response. She rolled her eyes. "Just raise your hand."

Lard Nar and Prisoner 777 both raised their hands.

Miyuki held her forehead. "Humans and Vortians…" she muttered to herself.

"Does not wanting to do it count?" Duxi asked.

"No."

"Drats."

"Can you kill the shark on your own Red?" Miyuki asked.

"How am I supposed to know?" Red responded, flattening his antennae. "Why don't you help me?"

"It's a host perk," Miyuki responded. "I don't have to do anything."

"Are you technically the host right now…?" Lard Nar questioned raising his head slightly to regard her. Moving was becoming a real pain.

"Well technically I can't really host without a building… or an audience…" Miyuki reasoned, scratching her chin. "But I'm still not going to do anything. I'm instructing you for your sakes. Not mine. I won't die without food or water."

"Hey, isn't that land over there?" Zim asked, pointing to the area near the bright white light. The ship's hull dragged along the ground in the shallow waters, and the light dispersed into several energy creatures.

"There you guys are!" one of them spoke.

"We've been searching the abyss for over a week trying to find you guys," another added.

"We were going to give up if we couldn't find you today and just drain the whole abyss with you in it," a third mentioned, and it let out a small laugh.

Miyuki looked up at Dib. The boy wasn't asking any questions, so he was probably dead or unconscious. "Thanks for not doing that."

"The whole process would've killed everyone," the second energy being remarked bobbing up and down as though it were nodding.

"Sounds like a party…" Red commented flatly.

Then they were swamped by a huge tidal wave.

* * *

**Random Fact:** I decided to look up Duxi to see if it happened to be an actual word. Boy was I surprised to find out it was. In Latin Duxi means "I lead." … -facepalm- I named him wrong.


	18. Head Implosions

**Notes:** So after out watery fiasco, Miyuki reveals there is in fact another guest judge. Who will it be? The portals also aren't working properly. Will anyone escape?

These questions and more will be answered in this chapter!

Warning: So much character death, implied racism against non-Irken aliens, talks of cannibalism, no romance, hard to follow randomness, and some lowering of self-esteem.

* * *

**Head Implosions**

"I want all of you to stop complaining about starvation and/or dehydration right now," Miyuki insisted, folding her arms stubbornly across her chest. It had taken three more days to fish all of the audience members out of the water, and then the entire abyss needed to be drained and the building restructured.

Everything was almost finished, but now the contestants were all lying sprawled out on the stage moaning about hunger or whatever.

"Can't we take a break? " Purple asked from his spot on the stage.

"No," was Miyuki's immediate response.

"Oh come on… I just died again yesterday…" Dib spoke, before covering his face with his hands. "Dehydration is horrible…"

"That is a very lame excuse in this dimension," Miyuki responded as she raised an invisible brow at the boy. "And you know it."

"You know, dying is still traumatic even if you get revived," Lard Nar informed her.

"I'm worried about dream cavities!" Professor Membrane exclaimed as he suddenly sat up. He raised his index finger. "I can't remember the last time I dream brushed my teeth."

"I DON'T WANT TO GET CAVITIES!" Gir shouted as loud as he could. "I WANNA EAT POPCICLES FOREVER!"

Miyuki sighed. "Is anyone else worried about that?"

There was some groans and moans from the contestants, but no audible words. Then after a brief pause, Lard Nar spoke up, "if we say yes, can we put-off doing another one of your horrible contests?"

"My contests aren't horrible," Miyuki insisted. "But yes… technically…"

All of the game players suddenly stood up and ran behind the stage to 'brush their teeth.' Miyuki smacked herself in the forehead.

After a very long reprieve that took almost three hours, Miyuki got the Irken secret service to haul the contestants back onto the stage. By this time, the judges were all sitting at their table, and the audience appeared to have recovered from their shock.

There was a dark figure seated beside Prisoner 777. A spotlight tried to shine on it, but the device ended up exploding.

"Finished?" Miyuki questioned them dryly with a frown and a hand on her hip.

Everyone looked at everyone else.

"Yeah, we're good," Purple replied.

"Might as well get this over with…" Red muttered.

"I made me some waffle-pizza!" Gir announced, pulling one out of his head compartment. He hugged it, and then swallowed it whole.

"Ok then…" Miyuki squinted an eye at Gir before gesturing to the judge's table. "I would like to introduce to you all to our new guest judge. I've been told that this person is very hardy, so we don't have to worry about them getting mauled by a certain zombie," she looked accusingly at Tak.

Zim chuckled at the thought of Skoodge being devoured by a zombie.

"EAT SOME WAFFLE!" Gir remarked loudly as he pounced on Zim and tried to shove a pepperoni waffle in the Irken's mouth.

"No Gir! Stop this at once! I command youuu!"

The other contestants edged away from Zim and Gir, and then they turned their attention to the rattling hissing noise coming from the judge's table.

Miyuki pulled out a cue card and read from it. "Miss Bitters."

Another spotlight shone on her, and she hissed, and it burst into flames. Pieces of spotlight fell all around the stage. One of the pieces smacked Professor Membrane in the face. He fell backwards and landed hard on the wooden floor, out cold.

"You're all good for nothing, and I hate every one of you," she stated, looking at the contestants and the audience members.

Dib's jaw dropped, and he pointed at Ms. Bitters. "Why is my teacher here…?" he asked.

"Put your disgusting digit away you horrible child," Ms. Bitters insisted, leaning forward in her chair in a menacing fashion. Then she sat back down and folded her hands on the desk. "To answer your meaningless question, I had no choice but to participate in this pitiful excuse of mindless entertainment."

"It's true." Miyuki responded, summoning a cup of tea to her hand. "Duxi captured her and brought her here to participate as the next guest judge," she explained. "Once you're in this dimension, there's no leaving unless the energy beings let you."

Ms. Bitters growled in irritation.

"The fact that you can do that…" Lard Nar rubbed his temples and let out a long sigh. Miyuki could make beverages appear out of thin air? He'd also come close to dying of dehydration, so he wasn't feeling very happy with her at the moment.

Miyuki looked at him. "What?"

"I'm going to be an airplane now!" Gir announced as he launched himself into the air and slammed into a wall. A rather dishevelled Zim stood up and dusted himself off.

"That miserable robot…" he muttered to himself.

"Where is that little energy guy?" Shloonktapoxis asked.

Miyuki raised an invisible brow and glanced around. "I guess he didn't survive." She shrugged her shoulders, and then took a sip of her tea as another cue card poofed into her hand.

"Wait… how did he die?" Dib asked.

Miyuki gestured at Ms. Bitters.

The old teacher glowered at the host. "I didn't kill the annoying hyperactive child who dragged me in here," she remarked. "As satisfying as it would have been."

Tak giggled, and everyone turned to stare at her.

"Duxi! Stop impersonating the judges right now," Miyuki told him forcefully.

"Aww…" Duxi shifted back into his Vortian form and leaped over the table.

"I was wondering why she wasn't giving off death vibes today…" Prisoner 777 said, blinking.

"Huh uhh… what?" Dwicky said removing a newspaper from his face as he sat up straight. He yawned and rubbed one of his eyes. "Did I miss something?"

"Duxi…" Miyuki muttered as she flattened to show her irritation. "Where's Tak?"

"She said something about escaping through one of the busted waterlogged portals," Duxi replied with a grin.

Miyuki made her tea and her cue-card vanish, and she summoned a rather large bazooka in their place. "No one escapes from me!" she shouted, disappearing from the stage.

Purple and Red looked at each other worriedly. "Wasn't she a horrible shot…?" Red questioned.

"I don't remember…" Purple answered. "But for some reason, seeing her wield a giant weapon like that gives me the chills…"

"The Universe is doomed," Ms. Bitters said. "That makes everything you've ever accomplished in life meaningless, assuming you've even managed to accomplish anything." She looked over the contestants. "From the looks of it, you're all worthless."

Shloonktapooxis started to tear up. "I think my self-esteem just died a little."

"Just ignore her…" Dib whispered to the floating cone. "She's always saying stuff like that."

"What are you whispering about Dib?" Ms. Bitters demanded.

Dib tensed and slowly turned to regard his teacher. "Nothing Miss Bitters…"

"You're already annoying me," Ms. Bitters remarked with a scowl. She gestured to one of the corners with a long creepy finger. "Go sit over there so I don't have to look at you."

Dwicky sat up straight in his chair. "Hey! This is why more than half the children coming to see me were from your class."

Ms. Bitters gave him the evil eye. "What's your point?" she asked, and all of Dib's classmates sitting in the audience remained as still and quiet as they could.

Dwicky sank down low in his seat. "Nothing…"

Dib sighed as he slowly trudged over to the place she indicated.

Zim snickered at this, and Ms. Bitter's beady eyes snapped in his direction. "You're just as bad. Go sit in the other corner and reflect on how meaningless your life is."

"But," Zim tried to interject, but his teacher's icy stare quickly silenced him. He walked over to the opposite corner and started muttering quietly to himself.

The Tallest looked from Zim to Ms. Bitters in disbelief.

"How did you do that?" Red asked.

"Yeah, we can't even get him to listen to us," Purple admitted.

"That's because you're whiny insecure teenage brats with no real life experience," Ms. Bitters retorted.

"Hey, we've done plenty of stuff!" Purple stated.

"Let me guess, you've both gone through school, and then you were forced to do some kind of 'work experience' that gave you an unrealistic expectation about the real world. Then once that was all said and done, you were somehow fortunate enough to skip the normal hardships of life and get thrust into a position that requires very little skill or effort to do," her body stretched unnaturally like a snake, and she loomed over them. "Am I right?"

Purple turned to Red and mouthed 'holy crap she's right…'

"Well… er…" Red's antennae fell and his crimson eyes glanced off to the side as though he was trying to come up with a proper answer.

Ms. Bitters sat back in her chair, still looking miserable. "Don't strain yourself now. I'd hate for the school to have to pay for another ambulance because someone was thinking too hard."

"That's happened a few times actually…" Dib commented from his corner.

"Only filthy stink-monsters hurt their brains thinking!" Zim cut-in.

"Well you don't think at all Zim," Dib retorted.

"Why don't you come over here and say that Dib-worm!?" Zim snapped.

"I would if Ms. Bitters wasn't glaring at us!"

"Ha! You're a coward!"

"Then why don't you come over here Zim!?"

"Zim moves for no one!" the small invader insisted. "No one!"

"You're just as scared of Ms. Bitters as I am, just admit it."

"Shut up Dib," Gaz spoke. She was sitting nearby, looking vexed because her Gameslave had finally run out of batteries. "I'm sick of your whining."

"You're just lucky you don't have to participate in any of these stupid contests," Dib told her.

"Watching you is just as bad," she remarked irritably.

Duxi did a cartwheel across the stage and morphed back into Tak. He thwacked into a wall. "Ouch!" Then he reverted to his Vortian form again.

Then the audience decided now would be a good time to fight among themselves.

Dwicky smiled happily. "Come on everyone, can't we all get along?"

"That optimistic attitude of yours is sickening," Ms. Bitters told the former councillor. "One day you're going to wake up and realize this world isn't all rainbows and butterflies."

Shloonktapooxis decided to hide behind the stage so his self-esteem wouldn't get damaged, the Tallest stayed where they were and tried to think of some kind of comeback, Zim started kicking the wall, Dib crouched down and sighed, and Professor Membrane stayed unconscious. Gir was also sleeping apparently.

Lard Nar was starting to think there was no point in hanging around since Miyuki was gone and the next contest wouldn't start until she came back. It was kind of amusing to see the Tallest getting brought down a few pegs, but now he was wondering if one of those broken portals Miyuki mentioned might help him escape this awful place.

It would be kind of satisfying to prove that he didn't need the energies' approval to leave.

The racket the audience was causing could be the perfect cover…

"See!?" Miyuki said as she held up a lifeless Tak by her leg. She gave the dead Irken a small shake, showing that her body was like jelly. "There are portals that lead to terrible places too, like the planet that turns your bones into jello…" She dropped Tak and took a look at the battered remains of the audience chairs which had been used as projectiles.

"Duxi…" she glared at her small helper who'd been thrown into the ceiling.

"Mmff?"

"What the heck is going on here?"

Duxi struggled for a bit until he dislodged himself from the ceiling. He landed on Miyuki's head. "Well, after you left, the Irkens decided to suddenly attack the Meekrob who were in the process of attacking the Porn eating aliens who'd apparently decided they weren't on good terms with the screw heads and they accidently got the Vortians involved which then somehow triggered the blob's involvement, and I think the humans joined in because they were bored." Duxi took a long breath before collapsing on the floor.

She was about to call the Irken security when she realized they were a part of the brawl. Letting out a sigh, she turned to the Tallest. "The Irkens are your people, so stop them already," she insisted, jabbing a finger in the direction of Tenn who was wrestling with a Meekrob and Sneakyonfoota who had a Vortian prisoner in a headlock.

"They're just releasing some tension," Red spoke with a shrug.

"Yeah," Purple agreed.

Miyuki nearly grabbed Red by the front of his uniform, but she paused, thought better of it, and grabbed Purple instead. "Look you… I'm not spending another four hours reviving everyone here, so you're going to go over there and order your people to stop fighting right now or I'm dropping you into the portal that will turn you into that," she indicated the lifeless/boneless Tak lying crumpled on the stage. "Got it?"

Purple nodded quickly.

"Good."

"Hey! You can't tell the Tallest what to do!" Zim exclaimed.

"I just did," Miyuki told him.

"Oh yeah. I guess you did."

She released Purple, and lavender eyed Tallest hurried over to the audience in order to gain his follower's attention. Unfortunately it did no good, and he ended up getting caught in the mess. Only when Red stepped in did the Irkens slowly withdraw from the fight.

"You ok Purple?" Red asked his somewhat dazed and hurting co-Tallest.

"Yeah…" he felt his jaw. "Who knew Meekrob could punch so hard?"

"Who knew they could punch at all…" Red added.

"Or that they could turn themselves into giant fists and punch that way," Purple remarked.

"Now, amass your Irken army and separate all the other warring factions," Miyuki instructed them. She was sitting on a stool in the middle of the stage drinking a tall glass of iced tea.

"What?" Red questioned, staring at her in disbelief. "Why should we?"

"Because the sooner everything gets cleared up, the sooner we can start the next contest, which means the sooner we'll have a winner and everyone can go home," she turned to regard Prisoner 777. "While they're doing that, I want you to fix all of the damaged portals."

"But… but there's like thirty of them…" the Vortian judge said.

"Thirty five," she corrected.

"Right… thirty five…"

"Recruit someone to help you then."

Prisoner 777 perked up a bit. "Anyone?"

"Yeah. Fine," she eyed him sceptically. "Just as long as it's not me."

"Red?" Prisoner 777 questioned the crimson eyed Tallest hopefully.

Red narrowed an eye at the Vortian judge. "You want me to help you trap myself, and everyone else, in this terrible dimension?"

Prisoner 777 tapped his fingers together somewhat ruefully. "It'll get you away from Miyuki for a while," he offered. "Please? You're the only non-Vortian I know who's good with machines."

"Why don't you ask a Vortian to help you then?"

"Because…" Prisoner 777 gestured to the audience. Pretty much all of the Vortians had been knocked out in some manner or another, and Lard Nar was nowhere to be seen.

"Oh," Red commented. He rubbed one of his eyes. "You guys suck at fighting… but anyway, why should I make any effort at all to trap myself in here? A better plan would be to figure out how to use these portals to escape."

"Remember the bones into jello thing I just told you about?" Miyuki questioned him moodily. "No one is escaping from here."

"Ha! That's what you think," Zim remarked.

"What do you mean by that?" Miyuki asked.

"Somebody left to find a way out hours ago while you were being distracted by your need to destroy Tak!"

"Bones into jello people!" Miyuki exclaimed in exasperation. She paused to regain her composure. Then she asked, "who was it?"

Zim shrugged. "Eh… I dunno."

"Come on Zim, think! I need a name!"

The small Irken just blinked and then shrugged again.

"And Gir… stop chewing on my arm!" Miyuki snapped at the small robot that must have woken up and thought her arm would taste good. She threw the robot across the stage, and Gir squealed in delight.

"Ok… I'll help you this once, but only because Miyuki is starting to really weird me out," Red told Prisoner 777 as he watched the host bandaging her arm. He turned to Purple. "You'll be ok on your own right?"

"Of course," Purple replied. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"I'm going to do you a favor and not answer that."

"Duxi, get out of that hole in the ceiling right now," Miyuki insisted. Her helper had, for some odd reason, gone back into the hole he'd previously been smashed into.

"Mff mm!" Duxi responded, but he made no effort to leave.

"I'm awake!" Professor Membrane announced as he leapt to his feet. He took a look around, and his shoulders slumped. "Never mind, apparently I'm still dreaming!"

"Ok… just calm down and think…" Miyuki told herself. She rubbed her temples. "Alright…" She flicked her antennae forward and managed to dodge an incoming projectile. "Duxi! Your next mission is to find the person who escape and drag them back here, dead or alive."

"Mmm mff!" Duxi said as he poofed away.

"Purple! Use your people to get the rest of the audience under control!"

"Ok ok, I'm on it…" Purple said as he walked towards the large disturbance, waving away her words.

"Red and Seven, start on the portals right away," she instructed.

"What a pain…" Red remarked as he and Prisoner 777 headed behind the stage to find the first portal.

"Zim… get your robot off of me!" Miyuki yelled, pointing to Gir who was latched onto her head.

"You're so fluffy Sally!" Gir exclaimed happily, nuzzling her cheek.

"Gir! I demand you come down from there at once!" Zim barked, and the small robot hopped down.

"Dib… eh… you're fine where you are," Miyuki told him. "Just stay there… and where's Shippy?"

"Shloonktapooxis,'' Dib corrected her. "I think he's in the back somewhere… Ms. Bitters kind of upset him."

"Dwicky, go into the back and give Sherbert some one on one support," Miyuki instructed the human judge.

"Would you like me to do anything?" Professor Membrane asked.

"Could you make coffee?"

"Sure! I stored my coffee maker somewhere around here," Professor Membrane answered as he began searching for it.

"Lard Nar, I need you to start collecting the bodies of your…" Miyuki paused and frowned. "Where's Lard Nar?" she questioned.

"…" the remaining people; Ms. Bitters, Zim, and Dib, just looked at her funny.

"Oh that little…" she balled her hands into fists. "That guy is really starting to try my patience!"

"Are you going to start this thing soon?" Ms. Bitter questioned the host. "Or are you planning to keep us here until we rot?"

"I'll go find Lard Nar," Miyuki told her as she summoned another bazooka to her hand. "Assuming no one else tries to escape, we should be ready to start within the next two hours."

"You were at a beach this whole time!?" Miyuki snapped, dropping Lard Nar on the stage and aiming her bazooka at him. It'd taken two hours just to locate the proper portal, and it had taken another hour to track him down within the world and haul him back.

The plus side was Red and Prisoner 777 were finished repairing the portals, so no one else could just wander away. All of the audience members who'd been fighting had also been subdued, and they were now sitting calmly in their seats, waiting for the next contest. Tak had also been somewhat revived by Duxi.

The energy being failed to find the missing person who was Lard Nar, so he came back and started "fixing" the dead audience members with a new remote he bought on Ebay. Tak still wasn't fully herself though, so Miyuki decided to let her rest behind the stage.

"Well… yeah," Lard Nar replied as he stood up and fixed his goggles. "It wasn't a planet I knew, but the people there were pretty friendly."

"Friendly enough to be cannibals!" Miyuki snapped poking him in the chest. Her weapon vanished in a puff of black mist "You can't just befriend every alien species out there you know. What if they'd eaten you, or sacrificed you to their sun-god or something?"

Lard Nar stared at her evenly. "I know you're prejudice against non-Irkens, but really, you should give people a chance. Just because their looks and customs might be different doesn't automatically make them cannibals or sun worshiping cultists…"

"But they could be."

"Yes, and if that was the case I would have run for my life, but they weren't."

"As far as you know."

Lard Nar's eyes narrowed at her. "I'm seriously done having this conversation with you."

"Fine. Everyone have a cup a coffee, and then we're starting the contest."

After drinking coffee, all of the contestants lined up on the stage. Dib was standing between Lard Nar and Professor Membrane.

"So… what were you doing on the planet you went to?" he asked the leader of the Resisty quietly.

"Making friends," Lard Nar answered with a bit of a smirk. "I also proved it's possible to escape from here."

"Could you speak their language and everything?" Dib questioned him since he was now in flow-blown curiosity mode.

"Er… well no… not really. But they seemed to understand hand-gestures well enough."

"Stop talking," Miyuki cut in. "I'm not in the mood for any more delays! So without further ado, I've asked Ms. Bitters to pick a contest for us."

"I want them to be stuffed into a small poorly built spaceship and sent out into space until their heads implode," Ms. Bitters stated.

"Alright…" Miyuki rubbed her chin. "So… I guess the last one to implode wins."

All of the contestants stared at her with their mouths hanging wide open, except for Gir who was doing some kind of ballerina dance.

"You've got to be joking!" Red exclaimed.

"Does it look like I'm joking?" Miyuki asked, placing a hand on her hip. A lever appeared in the floor, and she reached down to pull it. A large ugly metal space vessel crashed through the ceiling. It was being held together by a couple of loose screws and some duct-tape. "There. Perfect. Everyone get in."

She glanced over her shoulder. "Dwicky and Prisoner 777 too."

"Wait, why?" Dwicky asked automatically.

Miyuki resisted the urge to roll her eyes. "Because I need someone in there to see who implodes last," she replied.

"But what if we implode first?" Prisoner 777 questioned.

"Yeah, can't you use cameras or something?" Dwicky said.

"No because that piece of junk won't be able to run cameras…" she scowled at the two reluctant judges. "Just get in there."

It was cramped. Everyone was forced to be shoulder to shoulder with each other, and they could hardly breathe.

"Maybe we'll get lucky and suffocate before we implode," Purple offered somewhat optimistically.

"Purple… seriously… everything's been death with you lately," Red commented. "I'm starting to worry a bit."

"Red, if you come out of this without being mentally scarred, I'll be worried about you," Purple replied.

One of Red's antennae drooped. "What…?"

"Because that's not normal."

"You gotta be normal like a hamster!" Gir offered before giggling insanely.

The rocket launched, and even though they weren't wearing seatbelts, they were too crammed in to be tossed around. They were hurled out of the dimension into real space.

"Wheeeeeee!" Gir exclaimed cheerfully.

"I'm going to vomit!" Dwicky exclaimed before covering his mouth.

"Please don't do that…" Dib said.

"I wonder if this is going to slow down at all," Professor Membrane remarked, holding his head. "Physics isn't doing good things for me!"

"Not you too dad."

"Just think happy thoughts everybody," Dwicky tried to encourage them, though he was close to barfing.

"I'm thinkin' about mah muffins!" Gir responded.

"That's just not going to work for me right now," Dib told the councillor.

"That's because you're not trying Dib," Dwicky responded. "Like vomiting for instance, you can think of it as throwing up or second dinner."

"Great… now I'm going to be sick…" Purple spoke.

"Get your smelly self away from Zim pig-weasle!" Zim remarked, shoving Dib away from himself. This forced the boy into extremely close (and awkward) quarters with Lard Nar.

"Zim!" the boy snapped, kicking the Irken.

Lard Nar sighed as he tried to become one with the terribly built wall. "How did those two end up next to each other?"

"Both of you seriously need to stop squirming around," Red commented.

"Oh wow… I think I'm starting to feel a bit funny," Shloonktapooxis admitted. Then he imploded.

At first everyone just stared in shock in the small empty space Shloonktapooxis had been.

"It's starting…" Prisoner 777 said in a hushed tone.

Everyone was quiet. Then Red and Purple both imploded.

"Holy!" Dwicky remarked, recoiling away.

Zim imploded next.

"Oh no…" Prisoner 777 remarked just as he collapsed in on himself.

"Yaaay! Meee!" Gir shouted before he crumpled and vanished.

"Auugh!" Dwicky was next followed quickly by Lard Nar.

"Well son, it looks like it's just you and…" Professor Membrane began, but he fell quiet when he realized he was the only one left. Dib must have imploded when he wasn't paying attention. "Oh… then I guess it's just me now," he remarked as he looked out of the small cracked window. "Hmm… space sure is nice to look at. It makes me want to learn quantum theory all over again!"

Slerrrrrk!

Then he was gone.

* * *

**More Notes:** I have no idea what imploding sounds like, but it probably doesn't sound anything like "slerk." Maybe more of a whoosh pop? I dunno. Someone needs to implode for me in real life so I can find out.

Any volunteers? I'm kidding, don't do that.

Did anyone guess I don't like the dash in jello? xD


	19. Worst Nightmares

**Author's Notes:** **Warning!** This will be darker than most. Be prepared for mentions of torture and descriptions of abuse. I mean more than normal. There is also some talk of death as well as there being a few near death experiences, some alcoholism, and consumption of things that shouldn't be consumed.

I was also experimenting with line breaks and might have overdid it a bit. As per-usual though, feel free to read this at your own peril.

* * *

**Worst Nightmares**

"So which of you imploded last?" Miyuki asked the contestants who were doing their best to stand in a proper line on stage.

"If you were just going to revive them, why did you make us implode too?" Dwicky asked. He was sitting at the judge's table, grasping a small garbage can so he could puke in-between talking.

"I was wondering the same thing!" Duxi admitted as he drifted passed the judges.

Prisoner 777 was collapsed on the floor, and Tak was sitting beside Dwicky rediscovering the joys of having bones again.

"I don't care…" Purple said, looking away and clutching his midsection. "Seriously… all of this dying is making me feel gross."

"That's just the embalming fluid I forced you all to ingest," Miyuki explained in a non-caring manner.

Lard Nar stared at her in open confusion. "Why…?" he asked.

Miyuki rolled her eyes at him. "Because the next time you all die, I might not get to you before your bodies start to decompose," she told them as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Dib ran behind the stage, covering his mouth with his hands. As soon as he left their sight, horrible retching sounds could be heard coming from his direction.

"So who was the last one to implode?" she repeated irritably as she folded her arms across her chest. "Come on people, you know I can make you stand here all day."

"I believe I was that person," Professor Membrane offered.

"Good," Miyuki smiled. "Does anyone object?"

"You're really annoying, you know?" Red murmured, covering his face with his hand.

Miyuki shot him a glare. "Well if someone had eaten more vegetables, they could have won."

"What does eating vegetables have to do with implosions?" Lard Nar asked.

"I don't know. Your kind are the scientists, not mine," Miyuki reminded the Vortian.

"Your logic makes no sense to anyone," Lard Nar stated.

"Why are my eyes burning?" Red questioned.

"Embalming fluid," Miyuki answered him. "I said that like twenty seconds ago."

Gir left the line and started bouncing around to make the sloshy noises. "I got sloshing in meeh!" the robot exclaimed.

Zim was also looking a little worn out. He panted a bit before glancing at Gir. "Why did you give him that stink water?" he asked. "You know it won't do anything for a robot right?"

"Oh gosh…" Red murmured, rubbing his temples. "Now she's putting embalming fluid in a SIR unit?"

"Fair is fair," Miyuki responded, gesturing at Gir. "It's not like it's hurting him any." `

"Look… uh… Miyuki…" Prisoner 777 spoke up from the floor. "I know you're trying and everything… but do you think… maybe… I mean we've been doing this for a while…"

"Oh I get it," Miyuki responded, and she made a suitcase appear out of nowhere. "None of you appreciate the work I do!"

"Well your 'work,' or whatever, usually ends up killing us," Red told her flatly.

"I just want a small break…" Prisoner 777 mumbled to himself. "Like five minutes."

Duxi floated over to her in order to watch her pack. She opened up the suitcase and tossed her microphone, cue cards, a bag of marbles, an uncooked turkey, three decks of playing cards, a large squash, and a 'welcome' doormat inside.

"I don't need to be here," Miyuki informed them all. "Someone else can easily host this thing." She snapped her suitcase closed and created a dimensional tear in the center of the stage. "Good bye people." She stepped through to the other side, and the tear closed behind her.

Duxi blinked. "Um…" he looked over at the contestants.

"Aw…" Shloonktapooxis's expression fell. "I think we hurt her feelings."

"But she's been killing us all bloody week…" Lard Nar remarked.

"Yeah," Red spoke as he sat down on the stage. "She's annoying and painful."

"Who cares if we hurt her feelings?" Zim questioned.

"But… but if she's gone then what am I supposed to do!?" Duxi asked them loudly. "I… I need someone to boss me around!"

"This is just a minor complication," one of the walls stated.

"Yeah, it's no biggie," the ceiling remarked. "We still have someone who can run this thing."

"Who…?" Duxi questioned, looking up at the ceiling all teary eyed.

The floor vanished and Spork appeared. "Sorry little guy," the former Tallest remarked as he squashed Duxi into the new floor.

He dusted off his hands and turned to the contestants. "I don't think we've been formally introduced." He smiled. "My name's Spork. I'm also a former Tallest of Irk, and until now I've been acting as the floor."

Red and Purple eyed him warily. "So… you're really Spork then?" Purple asked.

"Yup," he held out his arms. "I thought this gaudy green armor I'm wearing would give it away."

"Ha! It's green!" Zim stated, pointing rudely at the new host. "No one wears green anymore!"

"That's because…" Red almost explained, but then he remembered it was pointless trying to explain things to Zim, so he stopped.

"Does that mean you're as crazy as Miyuki was…?" Dib asked as he wandered back onto the stage, still looking rather sick.

"Don't be ridiculous little human boy," Spork said cheerfully. "Miyuki and I have always handled things very differently. For instance, I wouldn't have forced any of you to ingest embalming fluid while you were all semi-conscious. Also, I turned into an island when everything flooded instead of letting you all drown, like she was going to."

"You don't have proof of that!" Floor Duxi insisted.

Spork calmly pulled a tape recorder out of thin-air and hit the play button.

"It's a good thing this island happened to be here, otherwise I would have just saved myself and watched everyone else drown," Miyuki's voice said on the recording device.

"Yeah! Me too!" Duxi's voice echoed happily.

Floor-Duxi quieted for a moment. "Oh yeah, I forgot about that," he admitted after a short while.

"Well… ok…" Red said. "I guess you sound a little better compared to Miyuki…"

"Eh," Zim shrugged. "They all sound the same to me."

"I don't wanna be the floor!" Duxi, or the floor, cried. "I need freedom!" He quieted when Spork stomped on him rather forcefully.

"So I've been thinking, since the hat hasn't been around for a while, I should just go with a little contest I've had in mind since yesterday," Spork said. The hat floated out into the stage, but he quickly grabbed it and flung it behind the curtains.

"How can you tell what day it is?" Dib questioned.

"Actually, I've been wondering the same thing," Professor Membrane spoke. "But more so about real life! I mean, how long have I been passed out in my basement for?"

Spork laughed, and then suddenly Dib and Professor Membrane were both gagged.

"Please don't speak out of turn," he told them. "As long as I'm in charge, we'll stay focused on the contests and not banter about unrelated things."

"Um… excuse me but… how will we know who's turn it is?" Shloonktapooxis asked.

Spork rubbed his chin. "That is a good question. Well, how about when I say it is?"

"Oh…"

"Any other questions?" he asked, looking at them one at a time. "No? Good."

"Is it just me, or does he seem a bit controlling?" Lard Nar whispered to Red.

"Yeah… I was just thinking the same thing…" Red spoke quietly.

Then a giant anvil fell on them both.

"I was wonderin' where I put that!" Gir cheered as he latched onto the heavy weight.

"What was that!?" Purple blurted, pointing at the anvil that was currently crushing Red and Lard Nar, probably to death.

"That, my friend, was a consequence of speaking out of turn," Spork answered. "I would crush you too, but I need to get the secret service to set up another anvil."

"I never thought I'd live to see the day when regular working Irkens would crush their own Tallest," Tak remarked from where she was seated at the judges table. She had her arms folded across her chest and her boots resting on the table top.

Some of the Irken secret service who were standing nearby shifted uncomfortably and started fiddling with their hands.

"It's a crime punishable by deactivation," she continued, sounding rather confident. "You all just committed treason."

A large piano fell on top of her from above. Some other members of the secret service were setting up large objects to land on the contestants and audience members if they spoke out. One of them gave Spork the thumbs up.

"Cripes!" Dwicky exclaimed after a bit of a delayed reaction which was him falling out of his chair. His puke bucket fortunately landed harmlessly nearby. Prisoner 777 slowly crawled underneath the judge's table to avoid getting squashed by the random objects dropping from above.

"Anyway, I like to call this little contest, "Worst Nightmares," Spork continued undeterred.

"That sounds horrible!" Shloonktapooxis exclaimed before he too was crushed under an anvil.

"There's my second anvil," Spork said pleasantly. Then a large machine crashed down and landed on stage. It was an ugly sight with metal pipes sticking out and wires going every which way. There was a screen attached to it, but it was faded and dull.

"What filthy device is this!?" Zim demanded, and a large rock fell from the ceiling and landed right on top of Purple.

"Why… does this happen…?" Purple murmured from beneath the stone.

"Alright, now everyone hook themselves to the machine," Spork instructed them.

"YAY! I WANNA TRY IT!" Gir cheered as he launched himself through the air towards the ugly device. He missed ramming into it and flew over top. He crashed into a ladder upside-down and started squealing happily when he saw how funny everyone looked with their legs the wrong way. "You look like a fuzzy mushroom baby!" he told the floor, who was Duxi, who didn't know the robot was talking to him.

Dib and Professor Membrane hurried to do what Spork asked since they were both worried they'd be crushed next.

"I can't… because some jerk… broke all my bones…" Purple managed to answer.

Then Zim suddenly realized his Tallest had been smashed under a giant rock like a potato. The would be invader glanced down where he could see Purple's head sticking out, and said, "I don't think all of your bones are broken my Tallest." The small Irken smiled. "Most of them are probably, but not all of them."

"Ok… but I kind of want to be left alone now, to die in peace…"" Purple muttered.

"You're saying you can't move because your bones are broken?" Spork asked in wonder.

"Yeah…" Purple responded.

"Same here…" Red murmured; apparently he managed to stay alive.

A few minutes later, everyone was standing with helmets attached to the machine and visors over their eyes. None of them appeared to have any broken bones or lost appendages. Spork reached for the switch along the side of the device. "I'm about to turn it on," he warned them.

BZZZTTTT!

"Ahh!" the contestants were electrocuted for a brief moment. Then they all collapsed, unconscious.

* * *

"NOOO!" Purple bolted up instantly. He glanced around, and then buried his face in his hands. "Nowaynoway…"

"You only lasted five seconds…" Spork informed him in mild irritation as he snapped his pocket-watch closed. Where the watch had come from was anyone's guess. "What happened?"

"It was a nightmare!" Purple responded, peeking through his fingers to glare at Spork.

The former Tallest raised an invisible brow. "Well yes… that's kind of the point."

"I dreamt I woke up here! And then I woke up here!"

Spork deadpanned, and he stared at the Tallest in disbelief. "Your worst fear was waking up in this dimension?"

"Whyyy Control Brains? Whyyy!?"

"Purple…" Spork spoke calmly. "There are several other things you could be most frightened about… like being short or getting mauled by Blorch Rats."

"Well it's kind of hard to think about stuff like that when I keep dying all the time here!"

Gaz scoffed from her seat. "Whiner."

Spork shrugged his shoulders. "Oh well. Let's check on the other contestants." He looked at the screen that was currently showing Professor Membrane.

* * *

The Professor was working happily in his lab, mixing chemicals and conducting experiments. Then suddenly the FBI barged through the door and started seizing everything.

"This is all perfectly legal!" Professor Membrane argued.

One of the agents produced a sheet of paper. "Not according to this they aren't."

His lab was taken away, then his title, then his house. He ended up a hobo on the street dressed in rags and panhandling small change. Then an older Dib dressed in a fancy black suit walked passed him.

"Son!" he called, happy to see him.

The young man glanced up from the newspaper he'd been reading on the go and frowned. "Who are you?" he asked Professor Membrane.

"Son it's me."

"Sorry, I don't know anyone by that name," Dib responded as he started walking away.

"I'm your dad," the professor tried.

"I think you have me confused with someone else," Dib remarked, and his pace quickened.

"Nooo!" Professor Membrane wailed just as it began raining.

* * *

"Forty seconds," Spork notified the Professor when he woke. "You beat Purple's score."

Professor Membrane sat up quickly and held his aching head. "That was a dream?" he questioned in confusion. "And… so is this! My brain is more impressive than I thought to be having so many delusions at the same time." He pointed up at the ceiling. "I should experiment on myself!"

"Right," Spork commented offhandedly. "Let's check on Gir next."

* * *

"MAH MUFFINS!" Gir sobbed as he knelt beside a large pile of smouldering black muffin remains. "I loved you muffins!"

"RAAAAWGHH!" A giant potato monster rose up from the ground and started eating a giant lollipop.

"OOo!" Gir stared at the large piece of candy. "Can I have some!?"

"NOO!" The beast roared.

"Waaah!" Gir cried.

* * *

Then he was awake.

Spork snapped his watch closed. "Fifty three seconds," he spoke. Then the screen switched to Shloonktapooxis' nightmare.

* * *

The floating cone-shaped alien was trapped on a spinning wheel that kept going faster and faster.

"AAAAAAHHH!" He screamed.

Flick.

* * *

Zim was running away from rabid children in ugly Halloween costumes and gross looking mechanical animals.

"Leave Zim alone you filthy sacks of PIG!" he shrieked.

Flick.

* * *

"My Tallest…" a small Irken technician spoke, looking rather nervous. He was holding a clipboard in his hands.

"What do you want?" Red asked. There were dark circles under his eyes, and he was leaning heavily on his fist. It appeared as though he hadn't slept in days.

"Well… I was told to inform you Purple killed himself in the Meekrob prison…"

Red nodded. "I see…"

"Also, the armada blew up."

"Uh huh."

"And our enemies are on their way here to capture you…"

Red sighed, and his antennae fell. "Anything else?"

"The Control brains decided to make Zim the new leader of Irk."

"What!?" Red's eyes widened and he sat up straighter in his chair. "How is that possible!? He's short!"

"In light of your horrible failure my former Tallest, the Control Brains decided height doesn't matter anymore," the technician explained, clutching the clipboard close to his chest. "They chose Zim because he's awesome and pretty indestructible."

"But he'll destroy…"

Then the door slid open and intimidating aliens wearing steel masks walked in.

"I'm really hating this…"

Flick.

* * *

"Hey! That was just getting interesting," Dwicky remarked before shoving another handful of popcorn into his mouth. He'd gotten a whole bag of it from the concession stand in the audience.

Tak frowned. "I'd self-destruct if Zim was ever made leader of Irk."

"Me too," Invader Spleen agreed from his seat in the audience.

* * *

"Mother…"

"Yes dear?"

"Please… I'm begging you…" Lard Nar pointed at the dark-grey Vortian accusingly. "Please at least use protection."

There was a young Vortian in his arms, and another one crawling along the floor. The place was a mess with non-child things lying around everywhere.

"Seriously, I've only been gone for three days!" he said in exasperation. "How am I supposed to earn monies if I can't leave you alone?"

"Aww, my snookie is angry," his mother swooned as she wrapped her arms around him. "Mommy needs a favor."

"No, you're drunk, so just go to bed," Lard Nar insisted, frowning in irritation.

"But Mariv is expecting me…" his mother whined. "You have to drive me."

"I did not get a license so I could drive you to all your boyfriends' houses," he insisted, shoving her away.

The little Vortian he was holding started to fuss, so he cradled him. "Could you just look around and see what you're doing?"

There was an unconscious child in the corner of the room. Lard Nar paled and his mouth fell open.

"Mother! What the helk!? Did you give them any food or water while I was out!?" He questioned, rushing to his younger sister's side.

She smiled and giggled. "I don't know!"

"There are bruises… mother! What did you do!? What did you bloody do!?" he demanded angrily. He checked for a pulse, and his eyes started to water. What if she was dead? Oh lord… no. No she wasn't. Good.

Why on Vort had he left them alone...? Three days was far too long for him to be away!

"She wouldn't stop crying," his mother said, her face flushed from her drink. "So I made her be quiet for a while." She hiccuped and started to laugh. "She hasn't cried all day!"

"Where are the others?" Lard Nar questioned, grabbing her by the arm and forcing her to look at him. "I only see three! Where are the others!?" The child in his arms began to cry loudly. He let go of his mother and headed towards the backdoor. It better not be open...

* * *

"Oh gosh, that's just… just horrible!" Dwicky said throwing his popcorn away so he had room to put his head down and bawl.

Tak blinked. The audience just stared.

"What?" Spork asked looking around. He pointed the remote at the screen. "Is everyone bored of this already?"

"How can you even say that!?" one of the Vortian prisoners in the audience demanded.

"Oh wow…" Purple said; his voice barely above a whisper. He'd never seen something like that before.

"Yeah! I'm not even sure I have empathy, but I know enough to understand I don't like what I'm seeing!" Invader Tenn remarked.

"Get that poor guy out of there!" one of the Meekrob shouted.

"I can't. He has to be disturbed enough to wake up on his own," Spork told them in an uncaring fashion. Then he changed the channel.

* * *

Dib was getting mauled by aliens under the direction of a horribly misshapen Miss Bitters.

Flick.

* * *

Red was in the process of defending himself against being captured by the aliens tat were likely intent on killing him slowly.

* * *

"Holy smokes!" Shloonktapooxis exclaimed when he snapped awake. "I think… I think I'm going to throw up!" he announced, wrenching away from the helmet and hovering quickly behind the stage.

Then Miyuki materialized with a cup of coffee in one hand and a microphone in the other. "One of the energies fetched me from the abyss," she informed Spork, who turned to look at her. "They said you're messing stuff up with your controlling behavior and this horrible contest…" her microphone poofed into the hat. "That wasn't even chosen by the hat," she insisted, holding it out.

Spork smacked it away. "Too bad Miyuki. This is my show now."

Miyuki glared at him, and her grip tightened on her coffee mug.

"AHHH!" Zim screamed as he woke. He tore the helmet off his head and launched it into a wall. "They were drinking my blood candy!"

Red woke next. He felt his throat, removed the helmet, and ran a hand through his antennae. "Jeez…" he muttered. "Talk about doing it the old fashioned way…"

Then Lard Nar woke up. He wiped his tears away, unhooked the helmet from his head, and walked solemnly into the back.

"Dwicky, go work your magic," Miyuki told the former school counselor as the hat and her cup vanished from her hands. She cracked her knuckles. "I have a ghost to beat up."

"Sure ok," Dwicky replied. He stood up from his seat, and Gir latched onto him.

"I wanna help too Sally!"

The two of them left just as the confrontation between the two former Tallest began. It was a mess of chairs being thrown, and ninja stars flying past. They floated up into the air and started to combat hand-to-hand but the combined energy created a vortex of powerful air currents that sucked in all of the audience members, including Gaz who lost her game and folded her arms in irritation as she flew around with the rest.

When Dib woke up, he heard a loud crash and quickly removed the helmet only to be swallowed up by a whirlwind.

* * *

"You know what…?" Lard Nar spoke from the top of the pile of bodies. He'd been sucked out from the back due to the clashing energies and the storm they created.

"What?" Dib asked; his voice was muffled a bit because he was buried somewhere in the middle.

"I think I've completely my motivation to consider even maybe killing the Tallest…" he admitted. "I mean… what if one or both of them came back like Miyuki…? Or worse… Spork?"

"Oh please…" Red spoke. He was a bit out of breath because he'd been fighting to free himself from the pile. He was near the place Dib's voice was coming from. "Like Purple and I would really come back as lunatics after deactivation; the point of deactivation is not coming back at all."

"If we do somehow manage to 'come back,' we might go insane since both former Tallest went crazy after dying…" Purple said from somewhere at the bottom. His head and arms were free, but the rest of him was getting crushed. He rested his forehead against the floor."Not that I care or anything... but uh... that didn't actually happen did it? With those smeets and your drunk mother?"

Lard Nar heaved a sigh. Of course everyone who wasn't unconscious at the time had seen that... "No, it never happened," he insisted. "I don't know if she ever could have done something like that or not because I never left my younger brothers or sisters alone long enough to find out."

"Oh... alright..." Purple responded faintly. "I'mgunnapassoutnow'kay?"

"Did you have to make such a big mess?" Duxi whined at the host.

"Hey… I'm not the one that caused mayhem this time," Miyuki insisted from her spot close to where Purple was slowly being smushed. "In fact, I'm usually the one trying to clean up everyone elses' messes."

"But then you make everything more horrible!" Zim announced from deep within the pile. His voice was so loud however that everyone could hear him just fine.

"Most of these people are just unconscious," Miyuki stated.

"… wait… what?" Lard Nar asked. "What does that have to do…?" He breathed a sigh. "Never mind… I'm just going to lie here for a little while longer…" It was going to take a long time for him to suppress the memories he'd gotten from the nightmare machine. Maybe some blunt-forced trauma would help.

"Ok, but it's going to be kind of awkward when the people underneath you start waking up," Miyuki warned him. Professor Membrane was one of those people.

"If they wake up!" Zim exclaimed.

"I told you most of them aren't dead!" Miyuki insisted. "Seriously… I try my best to host this… this thing, and this is the thanks I get!"

"Well uh… thanks for coming back to save us from Spork…" Shloonktapooxis told her. He was buried in the middle somewhere too, but there was a small opening near his face.

"He was overstepping his boundaries," Miyuki remarked. "Spork knows this is a pg-13 rated show. Some of the things he was showing on screen were not appropriate for the younger members in the audience. Besides, the energies upped my salary."

"This is pg 13?" Dib questioned in disbelief from wherever he was.

"It's not my fault children are becoming more and more desensitized towards violence," Miyuki responded with a slight almost shrug. "And like I said, the energies upped my pay… and it's actually pretty difficult to find a job once you're dead, so yeah. I came back for the monies."

"You mean you wouldn't miss me at all?" Duxi asked from the ceiling. The floor was still there however because Miyuki forced Spork back into it.

Miyuki's antennae flattened. "Not you," she told him honestly. "But… I suppose it's kind of nice having Prisoner 777 listen to me, and the Irken secret service… and maaaybe I would miss Gir just a tad."

"Where is the robot?" Shloonktapooxis asked suddenly, looking around.

"I think I saw him and Dwicky heading on another magical adventure to Candyland," Duxi answered. He was wielding a crow-bar and probably had some intention of using it to start freeing the contestants eventually. Apparently the dysfunctional SIR and the former school counselor were the only ones who managed to somehow escape the whirlwind.

Miyuki's antennae flicked back, and she clenched her jaw. After a short while, she let out a sigh. "Secret service!?" she called, and they groaned from somewhere in the pile. Her expression changed to one of disappointment. "Crap. They're stuck too." She cleared her throat. "Prisoner 777?"

"…Yes?" the pink Vortian answered from underneath the judge's table.

"Can you move?"

"Yes."

"Can you help Duxi get us out?"

"Well… I'm actually trapped here," Prisoner 777 admitted ruefully. "One side of the people mountain slid down and blocked my exit."

"Dangit."

"Miyuki… you're a ghost," Dib reminded her flatly. "You can just go through people and get out."

The former Tallest made a face. "And touch their insides? No thanks."

"Why not? Red asked.

"Because they're gross alien insides," she replied. "Duh."

"You're a ghost though, so you won't even be touching them," Lard Nar informed her.

"It's the thought that matters Lard Nar, not the actual touching," Miyuki stated.

"Ha! While all of you were talking, Zim has escaped!" Zim announced, folding his arms across his chest. Everyone turned and found him standing a short distance away from the pile.

"How did you do that!?" Red demanded.

"Because I'm amazing!" Zim responded proudly as he raised his head in a confident manner.

"Hey boss… you can get free too right?" Shloonktapooxis questioned.

"Well yeah…" Lard Nar replied.

"Then why don't you do that?" Purple questioned.

"I'd actually rather not get into it…"

"No seriously," Red spoke, struggling uselessly in a hopeless attempt to escape. "If you can move, you should hurry up and do that."

"I really think I shouldn't."

"Would you stop trying to be all cryptic and mysterious or whatever and just tell us why you can't move so the questions stop happening!" Miyuki demanded.

"If you must know, I think the only reason why I'm not bleeding to death right now is because my leg is wedged between two corpses…" the Vortian replied.

"Not corpses…" Miyuki muttered.

"I'd imagine it's probably worse than you think it is," Professor Membrane, who was semi-conscious now, commented. Then he promptly passed out again.

"I think he meant to say it's not as bad as you think it is," Dib spoke.

"No, I meant what I said," a now unconscious Professor said, and this kind of creeped Miyuki and a few of the contestants out.

Gaz in the meanwhile was digging through a section at the bottom of the pile.

"Thanks for helping," Duxi told her, dropping down from the ceiling. He landed beside Lard Nar and grinned. "Let's see how bad your leg is!"

"Don't touch me," Lard Nar insisted, pushing Duxi away from him.

"I'm not helping…" Gaz muttered. "My Gameslave is in here somewhere…"

"Didn't you run out of batteries for that thing?" Zim asked.

"I was using a Meekrob to power it," Gas replied through clenched teeth.

Zim scratched his chin. "I see… that's actually pretty clever little Gaz."

"Ok… so just so I have some idea… who's going to need therapy after this?" Miyuki asked them.

"Me," Red replied.

"I will," Dib spoke.

"Me too," Purple agreed.

"Same," Lard Nar answered.

"I could go for some," Shloonktapooxis said.

"Zim?" Miyuki questioned, eying the small Irken.

"Hah! Zim needs no counseling!"

"Ok. As soon as Dwicky gets back from Candyland, I'll put him to work," Miyuki remarked. "Now hurry up and get me out of here Duxi. I need to unpack my stuff and track down my reverser. Also, is there anyone recording who won these things? Prisoner 777, Tak?"

"Um, Tak is over here," Purple said. "She isn't moving though."

"I'll try keeping track of it," Prisoner 777 replied.

"Good," Miyuki spoke. "Duxi, I'm giving you fifteen minutes to get us out of here."

"Working on it," the Vortian poser told her happily.

Her focus shifted to Zim. "Since you're out, you can start digging too."

"Zim will do no such thing!" the small Irken insisted.

"You will, or do you want to get shot out of a canon into a wall for fun later?"

"Haa! Like that would happen."

"It will happen if you don't help get me, I mean us, out!"

Meanwhile in the Abyss, Ms. Bitters was floating around in the dark expanse of nothingness silently enjoying her solitude.

* * *

**More Notes:** It was everyone's worst nightmares, so nothing that appeared on the screen was really real, although there were hints in "Whose Line" that Lard Nar's mother is flirtatious. There were also hints in "Best Parent/ Worst Parent" that Lard Nar is the only one in the group actually capable of taking care of young children. I was debating on whether or not I was going to leave his family in this fic ambiguous or not. In the end I decided not to.

It's kind of ironic that the ones who were faced with less serious stuff woke up first.

Also, it seems Ms. Bitters found the abyss through the change room passage. Originally the guest judges really only lasted a chapter before vanishing somehow... It can be possible to bring some of the guest judges back as audience members I guess.


	20. Another Oops

**Author's Notes:** I decided to write this one when I'm sleep deprived; like the good old days. In any case, this chapter will hopefully help everyone get back to normal. As normal as sleep deprivation will let me.

* * *

**Another Oops**

"Ok Duxi, you can pry Zim off the wall now," Miyuki instructed her energy helper.

"Okie dokie," Duxi agreed with a salute. He made his crowbar reappear and skipped over to the squashed Irken who'd made a decent sized dent in the wall. The catapult that had been used to fling him was sitting innocently in the middle of the stage.

"Seven, are you finished boarding up the trap-door to Candyland?" she questioned loud enough for the Vortian to hear.

"Almost!" Prisoner 777 called back.

"Secret service, have you put out all the fires?" she asked.

"Yes sir!" One of them responded with a salute.

"I still don't understand how the fires happened…" Red remarked, crossing his arms.

"Some things just happen Red," Miyuki told him as a matter-of-fact. "It's no use over-thinking it." Her attention turned to Gir who was swinging from the curtains. "Purple, get that robot down from there."

"Why me?" Purple asked, and his shoulders slumped.

"Don't question me," Miyuki spoke, wagging her finger. "You wouldn't want me to suddenly quit again would you?"

Purple sighed. His antennae flattened against his head as he walked over to the curtains in order to coax the crazy SIR down.

"You can't quit again though," Duxi remarked. He was carrying a shovel over his shoulder. "You signed a contract saying you wouldn't."

"Shut up, they don't know that," Miyuki whispered harshly, and she glared at him.

"Sorry!"

"Just finish placing all the audience members back in the right place after you get Zim down."

"Yeah, ok."

"And why haven't you got Zim down yet?"

"The crowbar didn't work, so I'm gunna use this," Duxi explained, holding up a shovel.

There was rubble and other debris scattered across the floor, though the people pile had been taken care of. The only thing left to do now was sweep and get the audience back into their seats.

"Fine," Miyuki huffed as she dusted off her hands. "Dwicky, how're things going with you?"

"Pretty swell I think," Dwicky replied in a tone that sounded much too cheerful. "Red and Dib are both showing some signs of recovery. Well, repression anyway. I think that's pretty close to recovery." He stepped out onto the stage carrying a clipboard and a pen for taking down notes. "Purple is well… I think he might have a bit of clinical depression."

Miyuki scowled at him. "You mean you don't know?" she asked placing her hands on her hips.

"I'm a counselor, not a psychiatrist," Dwicky told her, rubbing the back of his head ruefully with his pen.

"I was an Irken before," she commented. "I'm pretty sure we can't get depressed."

"Well… ok… if you say so," he scribbled out a few things in his notes and turned to the next page. "But it looks like Zim could be a sociopath… though I'm just going off my freshman notes."

Miyuki rubbed her temples. "What makes you think that?"

"Well… he sees his self-serving behaviours as permissible… his sense of entitlement is off the charts, he seems to be caught up in his own delusions, he doesn't appear to have any sense of shame or guilt, he seems to get upset over relatively small matters while remaining indifferent towards things that would upset normal people, he's prone to verbal outbursts, he tries to intimidate people to get what he wants, he has a startling lack of empathy, he always blames others when he fails, he doesn't see anything wrong with himself, one of his goals is to enslave mankind… and do I really need to go on?"

"That could describe almost any Irken," Miyuki shrugged.

"That's not true," Purple insisted as he tried walking with Gir latched on to one of his legs.

"Whheeee!" the dysfunctional S.I.R. exclaimed while being dragged across the wooden floor.

"I don't know about that," Miyuki spoke, looking somewhat bored. "A lot of Irkens I know have most of those symptoms."

"Who else do you know besides Zim who's prone to verbal outbursts and delusions?" Red asked.

"Those are just two symptoms. We have the rest, or are you going to try to convince me Irkens aren't self-serving, have a strong sense of entitlement, no sense of shame or guilt, use intimidation, lack empathy, blame others for failure, want to enslave other planets, and don't see this as being wrong?"

She took a deep breath. Then she frowned a bit in thought. "Oh right. I don't need to breath."

"You know, them being a race of sociopaths makes sense," one Vortian said to another, and there was a murmur of agreement from most of the audience, including some Irkens.

"I don't really consider myself a sociopath though," Miyuki stated, brushing her antennae back. "I'm more of a psychopath."

"There's really no difference…" Dwicky began, but he was cut off by Duxi who'd just managed to pry Zim off the wall. The Irken was flung across the stage, and he ended up smacking right into the former counselor who let out a startled yelp before crashing to the floor.

"Alright, so what was your assessment?"

"…" Dwicky blinked. "Oh… uh… they probably shouldn't be doing these contests anymore…" He pushed Zim off and slowly stood up. He dusted off his pants. "I mean, they might go bonkers if this continues."

"Dang it!" Miyuki remarked. "Then I guess I have no choice but to use that thing." She moved to try and snap her fingers but she couldn't. One of the Irken security people dragged out a large metal cylinder device anyway.

"What is that for?" Red questioned. His antennae flattened, and he squinted an eye.

"This is my mind eraser device," Miyuki explained, placing her hands on her hips. She raised her head and smiled proudly. "This thing can erase all your horrible memories of the last contest."

"Can you erase our memories of all the contests?" Purple asked hopefully.

"No," Miyuki responded flatly. "Just the last one." She switched her attention to Duxi who was busily setting up the unconscious audience members in their seats. Gaz was buying food at the concession stand, fully awake and not very happy because she hadn't been able to find her gameslave.

"Duxi, go fetch the other contestants. I think Dib is stuck in the closet, again, somehow… Shloontapockie was floating up and down the hallway the last time I saw him, Professor Membrane was drawing crazy numbers all over the change room wall, Gir was eating the floor boards in the back, and Control Brains only know where the heck Lard Nar is."

"I'll find them all!" Duxi remarked before poofing away.

"I'm just going to go…" Dwicky said pointing at the judge's table. "Uhh, yeah." He walked over to his chair and sat down.

Prisoner 777 wandered out from behind the stage, holding a hammer and some leftover nails. "I closed it off."

"Good. Now help me program this machine."

"Sure… uh…" he looked it over and frowned a bit. "It doesn't have any buttons."

"It operates on brainwaves, so you have to think about what you want it to do."

"Oh… why can't you…?"

"I'm a ghost, so there would be some complications… also my thoughts aren't really what most people would call "stable" anyway."

"Well, ok…" Prisoner 777 said as he moved closer to the machine. "What should I do?"

"Just touch the device and think about it erasing the contestants' memories about the last contest."

Purple glanced at Red worriedly. "You know… I've got a bad feeling about this…"

"Yeah, same here," Red agreed.

"Ughh… my spine…" Zim moaned from where he was sprawled out on the stage. "Curse you… you ghost thing."

"I found them!" Duxi announced, dropping the rest of the contestants on top of Zim.

"The pain!" the small Irken remarked.

"Alright," Miyuki grinned, and she pointed at Prisoner 777. "Activate the machine!"

"What's going on…?" Dib asked as he picked himself up.

The cylinder started to glow.

"Oh jee… I hope I'm doing this right…" Prisoner 777 mumbled to himself.

BZZTZZT!

Light shot out at all of the contestants. Most of the audience got caught up in it as well. Gaz seemed to be immune. It didn't even try to touch her.

"My eye!" a Vortian prisoner shrieked.

"Both my eyes!" a screw-head alien shouted.

"Who the heck are you!?" Zim yelled, shoving Lard Nar away. "Get off of me!" He paused and scowled. "Who am I anyway?"

"That's a good question…" Red muttered, holding his head. "And where is this place?"

"Umm…" Shloonktapooxis floated up off the floor. "I dunno." His eyes grew wide. "I think I'm lost!" He frowned a bit. "Where was I going?"

"Prisoner 777…." Miyuki turned to look at the pink Vortian who was tapping his fingers together. "What were you thinking about exactly?"

"Err… well… maybe just for a brief moment… I uh… I thought maybe it would be funny if they lost all their memories… and umm…" Prisoner 777 explained, dipping his head ruefully.

Red and Purple stared at each other for a second.

"Yep…" Purple spoke first as he glanced away. "I have no idea who anyone is."

"Same here…" Red said. "But I've got a feeling I probably won't like any of you." He glared at Purple. "Especially you."

"No!" Miyuki shouted. "I can't have them not remembering who they are! Use the machine and fix this!"

"But… but what if I think something that makes it worse?" Prisoner 777 questioned, taking a step back.

"Grr…" Miyuki's antennae flattened, and she brought a hand to her forehead. "Why do you alive people always have to make things so complicated!?"

"You called meh!?" Gir asked, latching onto the host.

"You… you remember who you are?" Miyuki asked.

"I remember so much!" Gir cheered. "So muuuch."

"How?"

"He doesn't have a brain!" Duxi responded as he drifted across the stage.

"I don't hava brain!" Gir agreed, giggling.

"I'm really confused right now," Dib told Lard Nar who was just beginning to regain his senses. The Vortian was currently being crushed under Professor Membrane who'd rolled on top of him and was only now beginning to wake up.

"Yeah… me too… whoever you are," the leader of the Resisty murmured.

"Dib! Dib my friend…" Miyuki spoke, and she walked over to the human boy. She crouched down and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Look around. This place is full of aliens right? Doesn't that make you want to remember who you are?"

"Uhhh…" Dib glanced around at the members of the audience drooping in their chairs. "What's an alien?"

Miyuki smacked herself in the forehead. "This is hopeless."

"I'm really sorry," Prisoner 777 told her.

"It's fine," she replied, folding her arms across her chest. "I'm not angry… I'm just very disappointed. With life."

"Afterlife," Duxi corrected, and she took a swipe at the annoying energy creature.

"Who are you?" Zim demanded, shoving a finger in Dib's face.

"I don't know," the boy spoke, smacking the Irken's hand away.

"Oh… Ok then. So… do you know who I am?"

"How am I supposed to know who you are if I don't even remember myself?"

"Ugh…" Miyuki hung her head. Then she began pointing at everyone, "Dib, Zim, Purple, Lard Nar, Membrane, Gir, Red, and Shupix. Those are your names."

"Why the heck am I named after a primary colour?" Red asked.

"Purple?" The lavender-eyed Tallest made a face. "How did that name happen?"

"We were named by machines," Miyuki started to explain. She sighed and held her head. "Machines aren't known for being the most creative and… wait, does it really matter? The point it those are your names, so deal with it."

"I wanna be called a pickle!" Gir cheered as he let go of the host and launched himself into the audience.

"My name is Zim?" the small would-be invader questioned.

"Yes, that's your name," Miyuki answered.

"Are you sure my name is Dib?" the human boy asked.

"Yes your name is Dib! I think I can remember a few names thanks."

"You should have told them something hilarious," Duxi whispered to Miyuki. The Vortian poser was hovering around the host like a big annoying fly.

"And I'm Shupix?" Shloonktapooxis said in confusion. He smiled. "I like that name!"

"Is Lard Nar a first name? Or is it a first and a last name?" the leader of the Resisty pondered out loud.

"Please stop talking about your names before you all become victims of accidental multiple stabbings…" Miyuki remarked, and one of her antennae twitched. "Tak!" she turned to the judge who was sitting in the audience due to a mix-up on Duxi's part. "I want you to try programing the machine."

The unresponsive Irken didn't reply.

"Darn it… she's still unconscious…" Miyuki grumbled. "Who else could do it…?"

"I wanna try it!" Gir announced, waving his hands in the air.

Miyuki paused to consider the robot's request.

"That's a bad idea and you know it," Duxi insisted, drifting past her again.

"I know," Miyuki replied. "Shut up."

"Where is this place?" Shloonktapooxis asked looking around. "Or uh… what is it?"

"This is another dimension outside of your regular dimension," Miyuki explained. "Currently you're all trapped here until we finish doing all the contests…"

"Oh…"

"What kind of contests?" Zim asked, folding his arms over his chest. "Are they amazing?!"

"Yes they're amazing," Miyuki responded.

"How many are there?" Dib asked, frowning a little in thought.

"There's at least twenty left."

"Will they involve!" Professor Membrane raised his index finger dramatically. He froze, and then slowly lowered his arm back down. "I forgot what I was going to say."

"Science?" Miyuki prompted.

"What is a science?" Professor Membrane asked in confusion.

The host smacked herself in the forehead and let out a sigh. "Never mind."

"Never mind what?" Purple questioned.

"Be quiet. I'm trying to figure this out," Miyuki told them.

"But you aren't doin' anything!" Gir cheered.

"Yes I know! Just give me a moment to clear my head," Miyuki insisted, summoning a cup of tea. She took a sip and walked into the back for a moment of peace.

Duxi started laughing. "It's funny because she's a ghost. Her head is already clear. Like see-through clear."

Someone in the audience coughed.

Miyuki returned to the stage an hour later only to find the audience members chatting amiably with each other and the contestants. There were no fires or explosions or anything like that. She could hardly believe it.

"Gir… why are you growing mushrooms on my stage?" Miyuki asked the crazy SIR unit.

"I named em all Billy!" Gir replied, sounding proud.

"Get rid of them," she insisted, placing her hands on her hips.

"Ok," Gir remarked before shoving all of the mushrooms into his mouth.

"That's right Sour-Face," Zim agreed with a nod. "There really is no hope of dieting when you think about it that way."

Miyuki's eye twitched. "Sour-Face?" she questioned. "That's just some nameless Vortian in the audience. Why the heck are you calling him that?"

Zim shrugged his shoulders. "He said he couldn't remember his name, so I, Zim, gave him one."

"…Why sour face?" she questioned him.

Zim raised an invisible brow. "Why not sour face?"

"Just… ugh…" she gestured to the centre of the stage. "Go stand there. I'm going to think all your memories back into your brains using the machine from earlier."

"I thought you couldn't do that," Duxi spoke from the judge's table where he was sitting with Dwicky and Prisoner 777. He had a small dish of soap and seemed content to be blowing bubbles.

"I'm going to try it anyway," Miyuki responded.

"I don't have to listen to you!" Zim remarked, folding his arms across his chest. "I don't even know who you are!"

Miyuki glared down at him. "Either you listen to me or I get them…" she gestured to where she thought the Irken secret service agents were, but they weren't there. "Duxi… where are the secret service people?"

"They're running around naked in the back I think," her energy helper replied.

"W-what?" she stared at him in disbelief. "Why? I was just back there! I didn't see any naked Irkens running around."

"Then maybe the closet got them," Duxi shrugged. "Or the change rooms."

"But why!?"

Duxi shrugged again.

"Ok, Red and Purple," she turned to the two Tallest.

Red was chatting with a screwhead alien, and Purple was reading one of the newspapers Dwicky found somewhere.

"Yeah uh… I decided being named after a colour is pretty lame, so I'm Felix now," Red told Miyuki who walked over to the nearest wall and started banging her head against it.

"Yeah, and I'm Gordon," Purple responded.

Bang bang

"Ouch, stop it!" the wall insisted, making a hole which Miyuki fell through into the abyss.

She reappeared a moment later, looking miffed. "Why did you two choose human names?" she demanded, pointing at Purple accusingly.

"They were in the paper?" Purple answered as he held it up for her to see.

She turned to Professor Membrane who was chatting with a group of Meekrob. "Ok you, and you two, go stand near Gir." The robot was sitting in the center of the stage, vomiting up mushroom mush.

"Ew," Purple made a face.

"Do we have to?" Red asked. "That thing is pretty gross."

She turned back to the Tallest before scanning the audience for the other contestants. "I don't care. Do it anyway."

Gaz must have convinced Dib that he was supposed to be her own personal servant or something because the boy was fetching her food from the concession stand. "Dib, stage, now," Miyuki insisted, pointing towards the middle of the stage.

Shloonktapooxis wasn't within sight.

"You, Lard Nar," Miyuki addressed the leader of the Resisty who was trying to nap on one of the audience's chairs.

The Vortian straightened up and moved his goggles resting on his forehead back down over his eyes. "Yes? What?"

"You realize you're sitting with Irkens right?" she prompted, still hoping one of the contestants might remember something about themselves.

Lard Nar took a quick look around him and frowned. "Um… ok? The green ones are called Irkens then?"

Miyuki let out a long sigh. "Never mind, just go stand on the stage next to the barfing robot."

The leader of the Resisty slid off his chair. "Fine," he agreed.

She found Shloonktapooxis locked in the closet. The naked secret service people were all passed out in the hallway for some reason.

Once everyone was lined up on stage, Miyuki touched the device and closed her eyes in order to concentrate.

BOOM!

The device exploded in her face.

All of the contestants had been thrown back from the blast. Miyuki opened her eyes and gave a frustrated sigh. "This is why I don't handle machines!" she replied, gesturing to the bits of metal and floor lying scattered around.

"That hurt you know," Spork commented.

"Shut up Spork!" she snapped.

"Why don't you let me…?"

"No! Just stay as the floor and don't move," she told him. "You're never allowed to be the host again as long as I exist!"

"You got us to stand here so you could blow us up!?" Zim shouted as he sat up and held his aching head. He paused and smiled a bit. "Neat."

"How was that neat?" Red asked irritably as he moved to sit.

"Do it again!" Gir insisted squealing happily, bouncing back to his feet.

"Do you need me to fix that?" Prisoner 777 asked from his chair.

"Unless you can think everyone's memories back, I don't see a point," Miyuki answered, and the pink Vortian sank in his seat.

"Sorry…" he said.

"Did anyone else notice the floor talking?" Dib questioned.

"Don't be ridiculous crazy child," Professor Membrane spoke. "Floors don't talk. At least I'm pretty sure they don't… maybe they do."

"That was the floor?"Shloonktapooxis asked. "Huh."

Duxi stopped blowing bubbles. They vanished and he hopped into the air. He drifted over to the host. "Should I make the memory juice?" He questioned, plopping down on her shoulder.

She stiffened and clenched her hands into fists. For a while she didn't say anything. Then she spoke, "there is such a thing?"

"Uh huh."

"Why didn't you say anything before!?"

"Because it's funny when you fail," Duxi responded. He floated away laughing before she could get her hands on him.

* * *

**More Notes:** Dang. So close. Not really. The contestants will be fine probably. At least they don't remember the last contest anymore. I decided to post this one quickly because yeah. Needless to say, Spork is more floor material than host material.


	21. Exclamation Mark

**Author's Notes:** Oh good gravy! I was searching through my documents, and I couldn't find this chapter anywhere. I finally did of course; it had moved itself to the very bottom of my folder for some reason, like something caused it to sink? That's weird because this one doesn't even have any water in it. Not that it makes sense that way…

To Fluffiet who gave me a rather lovely paragraph (like I do to the people I review because paragraphs are awesome) I just want to assure you that Dwicky has received at least a diploma (maybe) and that his freshman notes aren't full of doodles, grocery lists, and notes to the guy beside him. Nope. Not at all.

Thanks for the reviews. I'll update eventually. The every week thing I had going didn't last very long. -sigh- It never does.

* * *

**!**

Purple was standing on the stage not looking very happy. His arms were folded across his chest as he waited for Miyuki to be done whatever it was she was doing. The other contestants just looked dazed.

"And that's the last of the memory juice," Miyuki announced, flinging the empty bowl into the audience. It smacked Invader Spleen in the face.

"I didn't get any," a very confused Letter A told the host.

Miyuki gave him a blank stare, and then shrugged her shoulders. "Whatever. I'm not going through all the hassle of collecting the ingredients again."

"All five hundred seventy three of them," Duxi remarked happily. He pointed a finger up at the ceiling. "And most of them weren't on any of the known planets in the Universe."

"Yes…" Miyuki's eye twitched and her antennae flattened in irritation. "Thanks for that little reminder."

Duxi beamed at her. "No problem!" He poofed into a blob-alien and jumped into the audience.

Red rubbed one of his eyes. "Well… getting cured was pretty disappointing."

"Yeah, no kidding," Purple agreed. "I was finally not paranoid of dying."

Miyuki ran a hand down her face. "Look… I know some of the stuff that's happened here has been a bit stressful..."

"You can say that again," Tak, who'd regained consciousness and was once again sitting with the other judges, commented. She folded her arms over her chest and glared daggers at the host.

"But wouldn't you rather remember who you are?" Miyuki asked. "I mean Red, Purple, you guys renamed yourselves Felix and Gordon."

Zim covered his mouth to hide some very obvious laughter "Pft... No offense my Tallest, but human names are pretty terrible."

Both of the Tallest shrugged. Yup, all respect was surely gone if Zim (of all Irkens) was laughing at them…

"It was still better than remembering all the times I've died in the last week or whatever," Red told her.

Miyuki turned to the other contestants with a frown. "Do you all feel this way?" she demanded. "Even after I spent who knows how long collecting the ingredients for the cure?"

Gir hugged himself. "I LIKE MEH BECAUSE I'M FLUFFY!"

"A life without science isn't worth living!" Professor Membrane insisted. He slapped himself in the forehead. "I can't believe I forgot the most important thing in my life!"

He paused for a moment before glancing down at Dib who was staring at him.

"I mean, ONE of the most important things in my life," he corrected himself, and he started to laugh. "Of course you and your sister are both very important to me!"

"Yeah… sure…" Dib agreed, rolling his eyes. He turned to Miyuki. "Look… we've already done a lot of contests… can't we just you know, end this?"

"Do you really not care who wins?" Miyuki asked in disbelief. "I mean, what if the winner is Zim, or worse, Gir?"

"I think it would be worse if Zim won," Red whispered to Purple who nodded.

"Yeah, I agree."

"Me too!" Gir cheered as he cartwheeled off the stage.

"Do I have to remind you of the Impending Doom all of you are facing?" Miyuki asked. She pointed at Lard Nar. "If he wins, you might as well forget about your invasions," she told the Tallest. "And your position as Tallest."

"I'm just tired…" Lard Nar admitted. "If I won, I'd just want to go home and sleep..."

"No you wouldn't," Miyuki remarked, sounding very serious. "You would kill the Tallest, free your planet, and destroy Irk."

Lard Nar raised an invisible brow at her. "I'm beginning to get the impression that you don't have a really high opinion of me." He held her gaze. "I'm not some sadistic immoral crazy guy. I'm just a guy who wants to free his planet and take a very long nap. That doesn't have to involve murder or anything like that. Besides, YOU have already killed the Tallest and destroyed Irk."

"Well... I fixed them..." Miyuki muttered to herself. "Do your friends see things that way?" She asked, looking at Shloonktapooxis who was hovering next to Dib with a smile on his face.

The floating cone alien blinked. "Um… uh… if I won I wouldn't kill anybody either."

Miyuki ran a hand down her face and sighed. "Well that's boring. At least I know if Red and Purple won there'd be huge consequences for all of you." She turned to Zim. "Especially you."

"Yes, such consequences I would have because I am amazing," Zim agreed with a nod.

"Yeah sure…" Red responded rolling his eyes.

"Like we don't remember you crushing us with that boulder," Purple commented.

Zim tilted his head and frowned in confusion. "I don't remember this!"

"Of course you don't," Red spoke.

"Well regardless of whether or not you're participating willingly, you're still participating," Miyuki insisted. She summoned her microphone in one hand, and the hat in the other. "Let's get this thing started."

All of the contestants except for Gir groaned.

"YAYY!" the robot cheered from where he landed up on the floor.

"For starters, I would like to announce a new guest judge," Miyuki said, gesturing to the person walking out from behind the stage.

"Umm… uh… hi…" Spleenk said, rubbing the back of his head ruefully. He stopped in the middle of the stage and took a look around at the audience. He was obviously confused about what was going on.

"Spleenk…?" Lard Nar spoke in disbelief, and the navigator turned to him.

"Oh, hi boss," Spleenk greeted his captain happily. "So this is where you went. Everyone was wondering what happened. We kind of made a few bets after you disappeared."

Lard Nar's shoulders slumped. "What kind of bets…?"

"Hi Spleenk!" Shloonktapooxis greeted his comrade.

"You're here too?" Spleenk questioned in surprise. "Wow… we kind of thought you imploded." He took another look around. "What is this place?"

"This is an alternate dimension," Miyuki replied in a dramatic fashion.

"Aw… I guess I owe Ixane monies," Spleenk admitted. "She was the only one who guessed that."

"What have you guys been doing since I've been gone?" Lard Nar questioned.

"Er… um… nothing?" Spleenk replied with a forced smile.

"Really?" Lard Nar pressed. "You've all been doing nothing the entire time?"

"Not that kind of nothing," Spleenk responded, raising two of his hands in mock defense. "The um… kind of nothing when you're doing something but not the kind of something you probably wanted to hear about, so I just said nothing kind of nothing."

"As much as I want to stand around and wait for you both to catch up with each other… I don't," Miyuki informed Spleenk and Lard Nar. "You," she pointed at the navigator. "Go join the other guest judges," he gestured to the judge's table where Dwicky, Tak, and Prisoner 777 were sitting.

Dwicky raised a hand and waved a tentative hello. Spleenk returned his attention to his boss, looking for guidance.

"Just… do what she says…" Lard Nar spoke, hanging his head. Hopefully Spleenk wouldn't be trapped here long enough to go crazy…

"Yes! That's what I like to hear!" Miyuki stated, and she held out her hand for the hat which fell down from the ceiling. "Now to pick a contest!" She insisted, holding it out to Zim who squinted up at her.

The would-be invader reached into the hat and pulled out a piece of paper. He handed it to her without bothering to look at it. What was the point? All of them were terrible.

"It says… "!" Miyuki said and she smacked herself in the forehead as the paper fizzled out of existence.

"How did you even say that?" Dib questioned.

"That's not important," Miyuki insisted, waving away his words. "The important thing is to find out its meaning."

"Does it even have a meaning?" Professor Membrane questioned.

"I think it means pudding!" Gir offered. "Lots and lots of pudding!"

"Do you think your energy friend can translate it?" Shloonktapooxis asked the host.

"No, but I guess it couldn't hurt to ask," she looked all over the audience trying to find him, but he wasn't anywhere.

Miyuki's eye twitched. She tore a hole in the fabric of space and reached inside. She pulled Duxi out who was trying to swim away from her grasp. "You!" she held him up and gave him a bit of a shake. "What does "!" mean?"

"How am I supposed to know?" Duxi whined. "That's not even a word."

Miyuki started shaking him harder. "I don't know. You're my helper aren't you? Can't you just know these things?"

"Maybe it doesn't mean anything," Prisoner 777 suggested from his seat.

"Yeah, maybe it was a dud," Dwicky added.

"There are no "dud" contests," Miyuki responded, and her antennae flattened in annoyance. "Besides, the hat already disappeared, so I can't have Zim redraw even if I wanted to."

Miyuki let go of Duxi who vanished into another tear.

"I should hire a new helper…" she grumbled. "Someone who isn't an energy being," she scanned the audience briefly. "Nope, you're all horrible. I can already tell."

"Psst…" the wall whispered. "I know the answer."

"Then tell me already!" Miyuki replied.

"It's monster taming."

"How do you know?" Miyuki asked.

"Because… "!" are what people do when they're frozen in fear, especially when facing down a giant monstrosity."

Everyone deadpanned.

Miyuki coughed and cleared her throat. "Ok… I guess I can go with that…"

Dib sighed. "I know I ask a lot of questions… but why can't we ever have an easy contest..?"

"Because that would be boring you pitiful worm-monkey," Zim responded, folding his arms over his chest. "Fighting monsters is much more exciting."

"Not fighting Zim," Miyuki corrected. "Taming."

"Ha! Call it whatever you want," Zim remarked.

Miyuki frowned at him. "I will… in any case, Spork!"

"Yeah yeah…" the other former Tallest said.

The floor shifted, and the stage became much bigger. Then a hole appeared and several large monsters with sharp teeth, long claws, and beady eyes crawled out of it. Miyuki casually flipped herself upside down and landed on the ceiling. Then she summoned her microphone.

"Ok, so this is how it's going to work. The contests each have a monster they have to tame. Once they choose a monster they can't un-choose it. Everyone will be given two hours to try and train these things. At the end of the two hours, the judges will decide on which creature is the best behaved. The tamer with the best-behaved monster wins," she looked down at the Tallest, Dib, Lard Nar, and Shloonktapooxis who were all slowly backing away from the creatures. "If you get eaten, you're automatically disqualified," she informed them. "Also, I'm not liable for any bodily harm that might result to the audience members sitting close to the stage."

Some of the audience members sitting in the first and second rows tensed up. A few started looking around to see if there were any other places to sit. Gaz just shrugged her shoulders as she continued playing her game.

"I wanna play with this one!" Gir announced as he leaped to his feet and launched himself through the air. He smacked into the face of the largest monster which was a lion-maned lizard creature. The robot latched onto its snout, and the beast roared and started waving its head around in a frantic attempt to dislodge the S.I.R.

"Wheeee!" Gir cheered as he was whisked away behind the stage.

"..." all of the contestants just stared.

Then Zim stepped up to face down one of the animal-things. "You!" he pointed at a medium-sized three eyed fish with legs. "You will obey me or suffer my wrath!" The creature growled and bared it's fangs at the small Irken, but Zim was undeterred. He marched right up to the monster. "You dare defy Zim!?"

The creature launched its self at Zim who ended up struggling not to get eaten. Then he was dragged into the back.

"Well, I suppose I could give this a try!" Professor Membrane remarked as he stepped forward. He approached a pink looking cat thing with antennae and whiskers. It was sitting a little ways away from the other creatures with a blank look on its face.

"Hey there little fella," Professor Membrane spoke as he knelt down and started petting it on the head. "You know, you kind of look like one of my robot inventions, perhaps my subconscious…" then the little kitty's back opened up revealing rows of pointy teeth. The mouth opened to an impossible size and snapped up the professor whole.

All that was left where Professor Membrane had been kneeling was an ominous blood smear.

"Any chance we can forfeit?" Purple asked Miyuki hopefully.

The host was sitting on the ceiling lazily fiddling with her microphone. "Nope," she replied. "And if the rest of you don't try, something horrible will happen to you."

"Is it worse than getting torn apart by weird-looking monster things?" Red questioned.

"Yes."

The crimson-eyed Tallest sighed as he slowly walked towards a large fat glob thing with one eye and no visible mouth. It had a sharp tail full of spikes though that Red was keeping an eye on. "Ok… I'm not really sure what I should be doing…" he admitted. He got as close as he dared at just stared at the monster. "So… are you going to listen to me, or are you going to try ripping me to pieces?"

Seven mouths suddenly appeared all over the creature's body, and it grinned as it moved closer.

Red's antennae fell and his mouth fell open. "Oh… crap."

The monster barreled forward with all seven mouths open wide, and Red decided his best option at this point would probably be to run for his life, so he did.

"Watching other people do this isn't making me want to do it any more…" Purple said, and his antennae drooped.

"Would you rather take the mystery punishment…?" Lard Nar asked, watching as one of the monsters got bored and started eating people in the audience. It swallowed up two Meekrob and bit into a screw-headed alien, but it spat him out.

"I'm thinking about it…" Purple admitted.

The judges were being eyed by the creepy cat thing that swallowed up Professor Membrane. Prisoner 777 gulped and started shaking. Dwicky decided to hide behind the judge's table, and Tak brought out her pak-legs. Spleenk was watching in shock as the audience members were eaten.

"Couldn't you have put these things in some kind of arena?" Tak questioned the host irritably.

Miyuki blinked and she brought a finger to her chin. "You know… that would have been a good idea…" she scowled. "Next time tell me that before I unleash monsters on the stage."

"That's the kind of thing you should be thinking about before you do something," Dib told her.

"Yes, and you're up next," Miyuki retorted.

Dib took an uneasy step back as he stared at the remaining creatures.

"It's ok, I can go," Shloonktapooxis offered. He drifted up to a cat-sized stick-bug looking thing. "Um… so… how's it going?" he tried, only to have the think attach its self to his face. "Ahhh!" he yelled, floating in frantic circles before flying off the stage and crashing into some audience members.

"Oh jeez…" Purple breathed as he ran a hand through his antennae. "We're going to die… we're so going to die." The monsters still on the stage and the one in the audience all turned to stare at him.

"Animals can smell fear," Lard Nar told him as he tried to keep his head up and look confident. "They'll attack us faster if they smell fear on us."

"Well it's not like I can exactly stop being scared," Purple informed the Vortian. "Even the people that didn't look scared ended up getting eaten or mauled, so I don't think it matters too…" before he could finish his sentence, the pink cat charged him, and the strange looking giant purple thing with horns that had been eating audience members rushed the Tallest as well.

"Ahhh!" Purple screamed as he was viciously attacked by both monsters. Lard Nar and Dib both stared in wide-eyed horror at the scene, frozen in place. When the creatures finally let up, Tallest Purple was nothing more than a pile of bones.

"I'm scared for my life…" Dwicky admitted as he peeked his head up over the table only to see the pink cat coming towards them. He ducked back down and covered his head. "Make them go away…"

Prisoner 777 was also taking shelter behind the judges' table. He was too scared to check on things like Dwicky did, but even hearing Tallest Purple getting mauled made him shudder. Spleenk decided to join them while Tak stood on top of the table, preparing to face-down the feline that had turned its attention to her.

Dib let out a sigh. "It might be better just to get this over with…" he said.

"Yeah… the pain can only last so long…" Lard Nar spoke.

Both of them approached the two monsters left on the stage. One looked like a misshapen yellow bird creature with four eyes and dagger like teeth. The other was a gross looking slimy naked rat looking thing.

Dib carefully approached the bird monster. He reached out a hand and touched some of its feathers. The creature tilted its head and blinked.

"Hey… this isn't so bad," he said, turning to Lard Nar. Dib balked. All that was left of the Vortian was one of his belts. "Oh..." he swallowed as his eyes met the beady black eyes of the slimy rat monster. It hissed and took a step closer.

"Squak!" the bird creature fluffed up its feathers and raised its head high to make itself look bigger, and the other monster quickly backed down.

Two hours later… Tak had been eaten by the pink cat thing. Prisoner 777, with Spleenk's help, managed to make a quick make-shift bunker out of the judges' table and the chairs when Dwicky ran off in fear and accidentally became living bait. The entire first row and some in the second row in the audience had been devoured. For some reason the monsters seemed to be wary of Gaz, and they left her alone.

"Ok judges, come out so you can judge who won this thing," Miyuki told them. She was lying on the ceiling flipping through a magazine.

"I uh… I kind of think it might be better if we stay in here…" Prisoner 777 spoke from inside the bunker.

"Do you guys do this every day?" Spleenk asked his bunker-buddy.

"Um… yeah… pretty much…" Prisoner 777 replied.

"You two," Miyuki ground her teeth as she made her magazine vanish. "I'm not joking. Get out here right now or I'll let Duxi break apart your bunker."

"Yay!" her young energy helper cheered as he appeared over the judge's table with a mallet. "I like destruction!"

"Wait wait, we're coming out," Prisoner 777 said, and he opened a pretty nifty looking door and climbed out of the metal and wooden bunker. Spleenk followed right behind him. Once they were out, Duxi smashed the crap out of the bunker anyway and saluted Miyuki. "Now they have nowhere to hide sir!"

Next Miyuki had the secret service and Duxi round up the remaining monsters and the living contestants.

Red managed to wound the monster he'd been fighting with, but he'd also been badly hurt. Once he'd been able to escape from the creature's clutches, he dragged himself into one of the change rooms where he ended up falling into the abyss and seeing Ms. Bitters who growled at him before vanishing into the gloom.

He'd been in the process of bleeding out when Duxi found him and poofed him back onto the stage with his weird looking injured monster that was also still alive.

The insect creature that latched to Shloonktapooxis' face ended up taking control of his brain. The cone shaped alien hovered around looking for audience members to maul. It took three of the Irken secret service people to haul him onto the stage.

Gir had worn out his lion-maned lizard. The S.I.R. unit had dressed it up with the curtains and had started serving it tea, much to the exhausted creature's displeasure. It took several secret service people to drag the lizard thing onto the stage while Gir skipped along happily behind them, singing about tuna.

The bird animal that protected Dib seemed to think the human was its own offspring. It kept the boy close and fussed over him like a mother.

Zim had managed to gain the upper hand and had attached a device to the creature that would make it completely obedient to him. He was having it rampage through the audience when Miyuki told the secret service to start rounding everyone up. Several of these Irkens perished trying to get both the monster and Zim on the stage.

Professor Membrane, Lard Nar, and Purple had all met with unfortunate ends and thus lost any chance at winning this contest.

"So judges," Miyuki spoke from the safety of the ceiling. "The winner should be the one who demonstrates they have the most control over their creature."

Red was sitting on the stage, glaring at his monster who was eying him hungrily. When it inched closer, he pushed it away with his foot.

Dib tried to step away from the bird animal that was preening him.

Gir was hugging his creature that looked like it wanted to escape.

Shloonktapooxis stared off at nothing with the insect thing still attached firmly to his face.

"Destroy! Smash everything!" Zim shouted at his fish creature who was wrestling to break free from a number of secret service Irkens. "Destruction is nice!" Unfortunately the constant commands mixed with its struggle to break free caused the device to fry and the monster to go ballistic. It threw off the Irkens that were trying to detain it before turning on Zim to crush him.

"Not me you smelly fool!"

"Well… I was going to say Zim…" Prisoner 777 admitted. "But now… I'm not so sure."

"All of you try and get your monsters to do something," Miyuki instructed the contestants.

"Stop trying to crush me! I am Zim! You must obey me!" Zim shouted, but his creature wouldn't listen.

"Dance with me!" Gir squealed as he continued to hug his poor giant maned lizard.

"Go die," Red hissed at his blob monster that swiped at him with its tail.

Dib carefully pushed the bird thing's head away. "I'm not sure what I should ask it to do."

"Anything," Miyuki responded. "It doesn't matter as long as you can show you have some say in what it does."

"Oh.. ok..." Dib looked into the bird thing's eyes. It titled its head. "Follow me?" He walked in a large circle on the stage, and his creature followed him closely. "Now stay," he held up his hand. The creature stopped and watched Dib walk backwards for a little bit. "Ok…" Dib ran a hand through his hair. "Um… I guess that's good. I don't know what else I should tell it to do."

"I vote for Dib," Prisoner 777 said.

"Yeah, me too," Spleenk agreed.

"Ok, Dib wins," Miyuki concluded. "Now… let's see about getting these monsters out of here shall we? Also, one of the energies can bring Spleenk back to wherever you found him."

"Oh, me me!" One of the walls said.

"No not you," Miyuki insisted, but it was too late. The energy creature quite being the wall, and the building collapsed.

* * *

**More notes:** Monsters or strange animals from another planet maybe? I had the score written up here but I erased it! Ha ha. Oh well. For those of you who are curious, no one in the story knows who's winning. They've suffered too much mental trauma to remember who won what. Also, the majority of the judges kind of aren't very good, and the only effective one has been kept pretty busy.

Miyuki can't seem to remember how many contests they were supposed to do. Maybe there was never a number to begin with, so for now it's still anyone's game.


	22. The Great Not So Great Swap

**More Notes:** Summer job secured. I guess that means I should get back to posting these.

* * *

**The Great Not So Great Swap**

"That was a complete and utter disaster…" Miyuki groaned. She was hanging off one of the high-beams in the ceiling, looking even more disappointed than usual. It had taken the remaining members of the Irken secret service hours to cart all of the creatures out of the dimension. Then she had spent another few hours ordering other people to clean things up, and then she had to revive the audience and the dead secret service members, not to mention the three dead contestants.

"I'm so depressed; I might have to do something drastic to make myself feel better…"

The contestants had been flung into the audience or across the stage when Zim's out of control fish monster somehow popped back into the dimension and attacked them. Most of them were unconscious. Only Lard Nar, Purple, and Dib seemed to have landed properly to avoid being knocked out. Gir was also unconscious somehow but no one bothered questioning how this was possible.

"Like what…?" Lard Nar asked as he carefully slid off the back of someone's chair. That someone was a screw-headed alien who had received some good old fashioned blunt force trauma to the face when Lard Nar smacked into him.

"Oh! Let's turn all the contestants into girls!" Duxi exclaimed happily.

Dib paled, Purple groaned as he picked himself off the floor, and Lard Nar rubbed his temples and sighed in annoyance.

"Compared to other things… that might not be so terrible…" Purple admitted. Then again, Irkens didn't care much about genders. Since their whole governing system was based on height, and they didn't need to reproduce biologically, male or female didn't really matter too much them.

Even if he was turned into a girl, Purple would still be Tallest.

Miyuki became quiet as she thought over this proposal. "Maybe later," she answered after a while. "I was thinking maybe something equally traumatic for everyone. Irkens wouldn't care as much about that."

"Gir would like it," Duxi agreed with a nod.

"Gir would like anything," Miyuki reminded him.

"True," he tapped his chin and grinned. "How about mixing them up?"

Miyuki smirked. "That sounds like a better idea. It'll also make the next contest more interesting."

"What are you talking about?" Dib asked, though he had a feeling he was going to regret knowing the answer.

His eyes were unfocused… Dib blinked up at the ceiling. Something didn't feel right… He brought his hand to his forehead and slowly tried to sit up.

He turned to his left and saw Gir lying beside him. The robot's eyes were black and lifeless. On his other side were the other contestants, all lined up on steel tables. A sinking feeling made his chest feel heavy, and as he lowered his arm he caught a glimpse of green.

"Ahhh!"

Gir jolted up. His usual cyan eyes were a lavender color. "What!? What happened!?" the robot spoke. He looked down at his little metal arms and legs. "I'm a SIR unit! Oh Control Brains why!?"

"I'M BIG AND GREEN!" Purple shrieked happily. He bounced off the table and landed face-first on the floor. "I FEEL PAIN AND I LIKE IT!"

"Purple?" Zim questioned quickly leaping to his feet and looking around. The metal-legs in his pak deployed as he looked around for any possible threat. "What's going on? Why do a feel short?" He looked down at himself and saw he was dressed in standard Irken pink-striped attire. "Oh no…"

"Oh gross!" Gir exclaimed before making a face and hugging himself. "I'm filled with some kind of slime…"

"That's my pudding!" Purple informed Gir. He scrambled to his feet grinning. "I made it outta spaghetti and toast!"

Red, who was actually Dib in Red's body, tried sliding off the table. He wasn't used to having such a small waist and a long skit-thing that prevented most leg movement however, so he ended up in an awkward position on the ground. "Ow…"

Lard Nar woke up relatively normally. He yawned and stretched, but then when he tried to step down off the table he fell very dramatically. "My word! It seems I have dreamed myself odd legs of some kind…" he noted when he looked back and saw his strangely bent legs. He moved one testingly. "Hm… this is both frightening and interesting."

Dib, who wasn't really Dib, sat up and stared at his legs in shock. "Um… uh… I'm not exactly sure how to use these," he admitted.

Shloonktapooxis woke up and promptly rolled off the table. "What the…?"

Then Professor Membrane stood up and folded his arms across his chest. "I'm filled with filthy-worm juice and meat stink!" he exclaimed in an irritable fashion. "And what are these!?" He promptly removed the goggles and flung them out into the hallway. "Zim doesn't need inferior human eye-wear!"

Miyuki stepped into the room and hid a saw behind her back. "So… if you haven't already guessed, I've made you guys switch brains." The saw vanished and she clasped her hands together close to her face. "And what better way for you to test your new bodies than with a new contest?"

Professor Membrane strode forward and snagged Miyuki by the front of her uniform. "FIX ZIM RIGHT NOW YOU PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR AN UNDEAD HOST!"

Miyuki vanished from his hold and reappeared in the center of the room. She adjusted her ghostly armour and placed a hand on her hip as she turned to look at the Professor. "I thought you'd be happy that you're taller Zim."

"Height doesn't matter when you're an inferior alien species!" Professor Membrane informed her angrily, even though she should have known this already. "Now fix this! Do it right now!"

"Not until after the contest," she told him, wagging her finger in a scolding manner. "I want to see how you guys do in your new bodies."

"Why are you doing this to us?" Shloonktapooxis asked as he tried to float. He ended up spinning over and over as soon as he lifted off the floor.

"Because I can," she replied.

"Hm…" Lard Nar rubbed his chin thoughtfully. He pushed himself up off the floor. Then while he was standing, he tried to take a step. He fell on his face. "Why gravity?! Why have you betrayed me?"

"So who is in whose bodies?" Red asked. His antennae flicked forward, and then back, then forward again. Obviously he was testing them out.

"Uhh…" Miyuki blinked. "Well…"

"She has no idea," Duxi announced, drifting down through the ceiling before passing through the floor.

"How about all of you just say who you are and I can quickly write it down on this piece of paper?" Miyuki suggested, pulling a pen and a piece of paper out of thin air.

"Why should we?" Zim asked, crossing his arms and squinting an eye.

"Because I can't put your brains back until I know which ones go where," Miyuki informed him wryly.

"Even though the organic brains probably aren't the Irken ones, she still gets confused," Duxi informed them, shrugging his shoulders.

"I'm Purple," Gir said quickly.

"I'm Dib," Red spoke.

"Shloonktapooxis," Dib responded.

"I am Zim!" Professor Membrane exclaimed.

"I'M A PICKLE!" Purple squealed happily.

"Red…" Zim spoke.

"I'm Professor Membrane," Lard Nar stated.

"I'm probably going to be sick…" Shloonktapooxis said.

"Here uh, boss? Let me help you," Dib spoke as he tried moving. He instantly met with the floor.

"How are we supposed to participate in contests if some of us can't even move?" Red asked, gesturing to the bodies of Dib, Lard Nar, and Shloonktapooxis.

"That's not my problem," Miyuki told them. She made the pen and paper vanished before snapping her fingers and teleporting everyone onto the stage.

The audience's glazed eyes and bored expressions disappeared, and most of them sat up straighter in their chairs. Miyuki had alluded that the contestants probably weren't going to be themselves, and some of them were slightly interested.

"How did it go…?" Prisoner 777 asked as he cast a sympathetic look at the contestants.

Purple was jumping around, playing tag with an invisible something or other. "I'm gunna get you leaf!"

"Pretty well actually," Miyuki admitted. "There doesn't seem to be any paralysis or comas like you were worried about."

"Oh… I see…" Prisoner 777 spoke. He felt bad for the contestants, but he was kind of glad she hadn't thought to make him and the other judges switch bodies as well.

"This time it's my turn to pick a contest," Miyuki spoke, holding out her hand for the hat. She frowned and her antennae fell back in irritation when the hat didn't appear. "It's Red's turn? Lard Nar's? That barfing thing in the audience's?"

The hat fell down from the rafters and landed in front of the barfing alien who stared at it mystified.

"Just pick a contest," Miyuki told it, and the creature got down off its seat and reached in to take a slip of paper. The host stretched her arm to an impossible length and grabbed the slip of paper from the confused audience member. She brought it close so she could read it.

"TTikTTik," Miyuki stared at the word. "What the heck does that mean?"

"Let's see!" Duxi remarked, popping up from the floor and snatching the paper from her. He squinted at the writing and turned it upside down. "Oh! This is killkill with the Ls underlined." He tossed the paper. "I think what it means is that game where the contestants stand high up with some kind of large stick thing and they attack each other until one falls to their doom."

Miyuki raised an invisible brow. "Are you writing these things?"

Duxi laughed. "No way. I just know how energies think."

"So an energy being is writing these?"

"Uh…. Maybe."

"Fine, have your secrets," Miyuki said as she turned to regard the contestants. "Alright. Let's get this show started."

"Yeah… I still can't move," Red spoke from his crumpled position on the floor.

"I must agree with that statement," Lard Nar remarked from where he was sitting.

"Well hurry up and figure it out," Miyuki said. "Gir didn't have any trouble adapting to his new body." She pointed at Purple who was prancing around on stage.

"But he's abnormal…" Red protested.

"Red is doing fine too," Miyuki insisted, pointing at Zim.

"I was this size once, like decades ago," Zim responded, waving her away. "You actually gave me an advantage putting me inside another Irken's body… as horrible and annoying as it is."

"Well Zim is also doing ok in his new body," Miyuki remarked, placing a hand on her hip.

Professor Membrane was kicking a wall. "Ha! I will crush you!"

"Err…" one of Miyuki's antennae twitched. "What is he doing?"

"Stop trying to crush me!" the wall insisted.

"Crushing apparently," Duxi answered, floating by.

"I don't understand how I'm supposed to move when my limbs aren't even attached properly," Gir admitted just as one of his arms fell off. "Well that's just fantastic…"

"Ok fine," Miyuki relented. "I'll give all of you five minutes to figure out your new bodies. Then I'll have you beat each other with a stick."

"On a balance beam!" Duxi's voice echoed.

"Right," Miyuki agreed. "On a balance beam…"

"Hundreds of feet above the grou…"

"Ok Duxi, I think they get it."

The first ones who were supposed to fight were Dib and Purple who appeared in their places across from each other.

The lavender eyed Tallest tossed his pugil stick over the edge and started break dancing on the high beam. The result was Dib, who was having trouble standing and grasping anything, falling to his doom…

Next up seemed to be Lard Nar and Gir. Neither of them moved for hours. Then finally Lard Nar tried to move, slipped, and crashed head-first into the wooden floorboards below. It was not a pretty sight.

Then the one who was in Red's body and the one in Shloonktapooxis' were teleported onto the high-beam. Instantly Shloonktapooxis rolled off, leaving Red the winner by default.

Then Zim and Professor Membrane faced off in what would have been an epic battle maybe. Unfortunately the person inside Professor Membrane forgot how big his feet were, stepped on his own toe, and became a victim to gravity.

Miyuki watched in disbelief from the judge's table. "I thought this would be funny… but I'm actually feeling more disappointed than I did before, if that's even possible."

Dwicky held out a bag of popcorn for her, and she scooped up a handful. "I'm not even sure what I should think…" the councillor admitted.

Purple dropped down and landed across from Zim on the beam. "HUG ME!"

Zim's antennae fell and his eyes widened as Purple barreled towards him. "Oh shl…" He managed to use his pugil stick to pole-vault over the Tallest. He landed on the high beam and spun around in time to back-step away from his advancing opponent.

"You need a hug!" Purple remarked opening his arms wide.

Zim tried whacking him in the face with the pugil stick, but it had zero effect. Then Purple scooped him up and started squeezing him hard enough to crush his insides. "Let… go…" he choked as he tried to breathe.

"Ok!" Purple replied, and he did. Zim fell a great distance before being flattened on the ground.

Then Red dropped onto the high-beam. He winced as he slowly pulled himself to his feet. He could barely stand, but he was beginning to figure it out.

"Lookit what I can do!" Purple squealed before leaping off the beam. "Wheee!" CRASH! "Yaaay! I wanna do it again!"

"Um…" Prisoner 777 glanced at Tak who was tapping her fingers irritably on the desk. "Are you feeling ok…?"

"Mind your own business Vortian," she stated.

"I can't feel my fingers!" Gir squealed in delight.

Duxi floated up through the desk and poked Tak in the face. "She's just sad she doesn't get to participate! Right?"

Tak slapped his hand away. "Don't touch me or I'll…" she squinted an eye. "Did you just change your gender?"

Girl Duxi grinned. "Mayybe."

Miyuki glared at her. "Stop adding gender confusion to the room."

"But I can be both," Duxi insisted, crossing her arms and scowling. "Don't smother me."

"Can't you just pick a gender and stick with it?" Miyuki questioned her irritably.

"Nope. I'm genderless, so I can be anything."

Miyuki rolled her eyes. CRASH! Red hit the floor. The judges and the host glanced at the crimson eyed Tallest lying crushed into the floorboards beside Purple. She quickly looked up and saw Gir sitting on the high-beam.

"Who are you again?" Miyuki asked Gir.

"Purple," Gir responded.

Miyuki stared at him blankly. "You actually won this…? What happened to Red?"

"Wait… you were expecting Red to win?" Red asked as he slowly picked himself off the floor.

Miyuki's eyes drifted off to the side. "No…?"

"You owe me twenty monies," Duxi informed her.

Miyuki's antennae flattened as she summoned the monies to her hand. She begrudgingly handed it to her energy helper.

Duxi chuckled and started counting as he changed back into his male Vortian form.

"No huh?" Zim remarked, folding his arms over his chest. "Then what was that?"

"Nothing," she insisted as she stood up and started walking towards the back area. "Come with me so I can put your brains back."

"Woo hoo!" Purple cheered, throwing his arms up as he got to his feet. He ran after Miyuki joyfully while the others grumbled and lingered behind. Some of them were still lying sprawled on the floor. Zim, Red, and a dazed Professor Membrane were all on their feet while Lard Nar, Shloonktapooxis, and Dib were barely moving.

"I will get the name of that van…" Professor Membrane mumbled. "Then it will pay…"

"Um… I'm kind of stuck up here," Gir called, but Miyuki didn't hear him.

"I can make something to get you down," Prisoner 777 offered. "But it will take a while."

"You're a robot," Shloonktapooxis reminded Gir. "Just jump down."

"Yeah… I don't really know how to jump," Gir responded. "This thing's legs aren't even connected."

"Then just fall," Shloonktapooxis stated.

"I'm not going to take advice from you," Gir informed him. "You can't even move."

"He has a point boss," Dib spoke.

"You can't move either," Shloonktapooxis told Dib.

"Yeaah, that's true."

"I'll wheel you guys into the back," Duxi offered, pulling a wheel burrow out from under the desk. He turned to Dwicky. "Help me do that ok?"

"Uh… ok…" the councillor agreed, rising to his feet.

An hour later, Miyuki had finished returning everyones' brains to their bodies. She brushed off her bloody hands and removed her surgical mask. "Alright Duxi. Wake them up."

Duxi poked Lard Nar. "Wake up!"

"Ugh…" the Vortian sat up and held his stitched up head. "Why are you shouting…?" He caught sight of his arm, and his eyes widened in surprise. "Hey… this isn't my body!"

Miyuki balked. "What do you mean? I put everything back."

"You must've gotten mixed up," Duxi said with a shrug.

"Is everyone like that?" she questioned, grabbing Dib and giving him a shake. The boy's eyes blinked open and he stared at her. Then he grinned and squished Miyuki's face. "Hi Sally! You makin' me breakfast!?"

"That robot's brain is a paper-clip and a piece of gum!" Lard Nar remarked, smacking himself in the forehead. "How could you get that mixed up with an organic brain?"

She dropped the S.I.R. "Gir is inside Dib? Then… darn it! Now I'm going to have to do this all over again!" She turned to Lard Nar. "Who are you?"

"I'm Red," Lard Nar told her irritably, and he crossed his arms over his chest.

"That hurt…" Purple spoke as he slowly sat up and rubbed the stitches in his head. His lavender eyes widened, and he stared with his mouth agape at his hand. "I'm an Irken? But… but I'm not even a contestant…"

"Who are you then?" Miyuki demanded, and Purple pointed at Prisoner 777's body which was lying close by.

"How the heck did you get mixed in there?" Miyuki questioned, heaving a sigh.

"You asked me to bring you crackers…"

"Oh. Right…. What did I do with those anyway…?"

The other contestants started waking up. Prisoner 777's eyes snapped open and he leapt to his feet only to awkwardly lose his balance and fall over. "What is this!?" he demanded, looking at his legs. "This isn't Zim's body! This is a Vort-thing's body!"

"I do have a name you know…" Purple mumbled to himself.

"Yes! But no one knows what it is!" Prisoner 777 remarked.

Shoonktapooxis woke up, and his eyes widened in horror. "Oh no… don't tell me…" his eyes flicked down to where his legs would have been. "How am I supposed to move without any arms or legs?"

"Yeah, you try figuring that one out," Gir spoke as his yellow eyes sparked to life, and he pushed himself into a sitting position. He let out a sigh. "Well… this is better than not having limbs… no offense Shloonktapooxis."

"None taken," Tak remarked as she moved to sit without the use of her arms. "I'm actually having a hard time figuring out how to use arms and legs."

"Wait… Tak got mixed in too?" Miyuki questioned dumbfounded. "How did that happen?"

"That was me!" Duxi admitted, raising his hand. He winced when Miyuki shot him a glare. "Because she looked sad missing out on it before," he explained.

Zim's eyes blinked open; he clutched his head and slowly sat up. "I'm having a major headache!" He glanced around. "Does anyone have any aspirin?"

Professor Membrane groaned and carefully rose to his feet. "Whatever you did… you better be able to fix it…" he growled at Miyuki.

"I'll will," Miyuki assured them. "I just have to figure out which brain is in which body."

Red regained consciousness and breathed a sigh of relief. "Well I'm glad things are back to normal," he commented, stretching his arms over his head. Everyone gave him a blank look. He blinked. "What?" He felt his face and held out his hands to look at them. "Everything seems normal."

"The colour?" Duxi hinted.

Then he realized the armour he was wearing was red and black. "Oh. I'm in Red's body."

"Well I was pretty close with him," Miyuki said.

"Yeah, just keep telling yourself that," Duxi remarked, floating around with his arms folded behind his head.

"Seven," Miyuki spoke turning to Purple. "Your memory is pretty good right?"

"Um… yes?" Purple responded.

Miyuki's eye twitched. "Say it like you mean it."

"Yes, yes it is," Purple replied.

"Then I want you to remember which brain is in which body and help me put them back."

"Oh… ok…" Purple hesitantly agreed.

"Alright Duxi, knock everyone out with your sledgehammer again."

"Okie dokie!" Duxi exclaimed, wielding his massive hammer.

WHAM!

* * *

**More notes:** the second switch looked like this:

Red: Lard Nar

Zim: Prisoner 777

Prisoner 777: Purple

Gir: Dib

Dib: Shloonktapooxis

Shloon: Tak

Lard Nar: Gir

Professor Membrane: Zim

Tak: Professor Membrane

Purple: Red

(I needed to write that out to remind myself).


End file.
